One day I will stand here again.
Yes exactly here I will be.
And I will look through the window.
All the shadows, the stars, the moon, the sparkling lights, the darkness will be facing me.
And I will stand here.
Do nothing.
But I will feel.
I will look outside and I will feel.
I will not want to cry.
I will force me to not cry.
Because I don't want to, you know?
I just do not want.
I will just look outside.

Do you know the moment, when somebody tells you, that you can be infinite? That the whole world is just not ending, that it is the infinity of which we could all just dream?
In some countless seconds I let imaginations arise and circle in my mind.
It sounds fantastic, it sounds fabulous, not? Amazing maybe, but definitely not true. Or at least not going to happen to me.

You know I am standing here.

Outside I can see lights. I can see things sparkle. There are shadows moving around.
It is quiet. Completely quiet. No sound anywhere.
I look around as if I would be searching for single tones. As if I could catch them while they are flying around. What an illusion: tones flying around!
Like the moving shadows outside. Like the sparkling lights that exstinguish within seconds and relight again. Which first just spread in circles, fly in the sky and just disappear as if they had never existed before.
The darkness follows. And then, just when your hope is vanished, just swept away, and your heart gives a little skip and you unconsciously hold on your breath for a split second, just then, when something happens but actually doesn't happen,
a new light appears from nowhere.
That light is a little full sparkling light bubble, which grows, becomes bigger and lighter, powerfully filled with light.
That bubble divides itself in thousands of little unites, shaped as drops and they spread as far as they could.
Thousands of little sparks everywhere from nowhere.

I am standing here.

Darkness left.

The sparkles had gone and are replaced with something which is nothing.
Yeah, just a piece of useless nothing.
A huge hole of nothing.
We call it 'darkness'. But you know what?
It is the darkness which keeps me secure.
The one with no prejudices which would critize me.
Without the light which makes the darkness itself.
Without words which cause the silence you can feel.

I stand here.

Completely surrounded by darkness.

I am standing here and looking around.
Not the way of looking in order to examine your environment. Not the analysing way of looking at things, in order to find out, what is hidden in the core of it.
I mean the kind of looking which gives you some pieces of something incredible. What we would call 'feelings'.
So you feel in some weird way hypnotized and you are in the same time so overwhelmed with it that you even get boosebumps on your whole body.
The result is that you actually don't know what is happening to you, but you know you don't want to know it. You don't need to know it. You accept it, just look around.
Now, do it.
Look out of the window. What are you seeing? Darkness? Stars? Is that all you see?
Really?
Look once again.
Close your eyes.
Forget everything around you.
Forget the thoughts circeling around your mind.
Just forget.
And look once again.
Just one more time.
Look straight through the night.
And maybe you understand what I am telling you.
Maybe you understand, that I am standing here.
Yeah, right here, I am standing.
Not knowing what 'here' means.

But I keep standing.
I stand here.