If I wrote to you daily, I wonder if the difference would be made. I don't know  what that difference would be or if it would be much, any inch would be significant even if it would be a negative one.
  Captured here in this digital world are my truest thoughts. They are genuine. They are mine.
  My words on slow days. Even keel.
  Nothing better than a few minutes of my time jotted here from my phone. Texting away parcels of myself.
  I never realized sitting in a car with you that my criticisms would be taken so heavily. Cruising back from the ocean in the dark. I was mean.
   You never know someone till you anger them some. If they are worth the time they'll see past it and that's how it's gone my whole life. It took you to show me that "philosophy" was so wrong. And it changed me.
  Anime on the other hand is still a cartoon. Jajajaja. Much love buddy.
  I don't know if I can spit words everyday here. I don't know if it's worth the time to keep posting shit here not knowing if it's ever going to reach you.
  Our relationship is so strained and I'm gripping to one memory of a time, a thread, really that is attached to a stream of rope that is winding in a perpetual motion of forward.
  No less. I am grateful for you. That you are alive. Healthy enough to be angry. Grateful that as long as the grudge is strong, so is the memory.
  It is sad that I have not been there to be helpful to you. To not have given you better guidance. To not. . .
   I can not ever apologize enough.
  Your grand dad is a most generous soul. I could never be more grateful that you have him. I'm sure you've been a great deal to him since you are the son he would have raised.
  I believe in you. I believe in him. Today I hope you are good. That things are well and that you come out of the veil that blinds you to some degree. You do know you can't see everything everything is from behind there.
   I wish I had more time to write you today. Again soon.
Dec 1 2015.

12-2-2015
Today I venture on taking on the wreckage of my past. I have a shit ton of that stuff.
Today's adventure is taking care of my driving record. I have Hidden behind this childish belief that I am free. In truth, this life is a lot of things but it is not free. You can do anything you want so long as you are willing to pay.
And I have not payed for anything in a great while. Yeah. I payed for food and clothes and shit but I have never payed the government for anything they didn't condemn me for. What I mean by that is, I haven't payed the government for anything they didn't put me in jail over.
So now they didn't put me in jail over driving illegally and I mean many times over, I just kept driving.
Many of my friends have shaken their heads at me over the years. Some of them were like, "you don't have insurance even?"
I'm just another human who forgets the shit that's out of sight. Anyways. At least in this case, that is how it is. So I'm taking a break there to write a bit here.
This is going to turn into some weird letter diary.
I'm writing to you my "unimaginary" (not even a word) friend.
So far away you are.
Alright well. So this is the second of December, eh?
Hope you're having an adventure.

12-3-15
Steam power was revolutionary for its time but today, it has no use.
  Nobody uses it at all. Steam powered anything is obsolete.
   Just a useless fact of obviousness.
  Today I am so unmotivated.
  Everything that comes from my hands seem lazy including this days message.
  I am not sure what makes a day for laziness. Nobody ever thinks about why the day is lazy. Ever.      
  On lazy days, I think, we are so lazy that we never think as to why we are that way.
  However, for me anyway, it is imperative that I am productive for my life depends on it. My life, is all about being the opposite of this day. It doesn't pay, if you know what I mean.
  It gets slow around here in December and I figure it takes minutes to drop a few lines. It takes a few minutes to text a few lines even if they are lazy. Even if they are or can be pointless to any extreme.
  My world here is cold. There is snow on the ground and today it is windy so it feels colder than it really is.
  I've been watching Netflix and trying to draw stuff out of my head and I have a page of doodles that don't match up significantly well.
  I dogged down philosophy when that's what I spend most of my days doing. Thinking. Counter thinking. Every variation of jumbled matter.
  Well... I think fishing is boring.
  Then I caught a fish. Then it wasn't boring anymore.
  Adventures sometimes come to those waiting right? Enjoy your day dude. Don't let anyone get in the way of that.

12415
  Today, I awoke to the loving arms and warm kisses of my lady. We have been together now over three years. I have never met anyone like her.
  She means a great deal to me. Although we didn't meet until I was in my late thirties and her early thirties, when I am with her I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I want to make good impressions on all her family and friends. I do my best to not embarrass her in anyway.
   It's weird to me because I have never cared to do that with anybody's parents or family ever. I have never really had a strong family foundation to go off of.
  When I look at her I see past time. I see past flesh. I see past the imperfections and complicated personality barriers. And I see a woman who is strong. Smart. Independent. A person who could do well without me. Who is true and honest with her eyes and smile. Or frown. Jajajaja.
  A person who trusts me when I say I'm gonna drive for a week and do what I say I am going to do.
  I awoke this morning to an angel. Who lifted me from the depths of malfunction and disorder.
  She is like a mother to my kids. She cares for them as I would. She is at times more concerned for them than I am.
  She has listened to me talk about you and with loving hand walked with me through this journey.
   The story of how we got our first date is long winded and cute and kind of embarrassing to me so I will save it for a lazy day... But I will tell you today, that story isn't as important to me as the story of what we have become.
   We are a team. We help each other emotionally. Physically. Every day, thank the gods for her.
   I have a woman who doesn't need me. But wants me. I have searched my whole life for one like her. And so many times I think I looked in the same places.
  I am not talking down any of my past loves. Don't get me wrong. I was blessed to have had them, good and bad. How else would I know she is everything they were not.
   Her heart is gold. Her mind is as sharp as the samurai's  sword  and her lips sweeter than local honey.
  Maybe I'm over sharing.
   I'm in love. There is nothing at all like it. I hope someday you find it. I hope that you wake up knowing you're not alone. That the person you start the day with will be there when you go to sleep. That you are content and peaceful.
   Love is a scary feeling. It is uncontrollable and when it takes you, you become blind to everything else around you at first. Infatuation then wears. And if you feel the same after that....
   Well that's just it. It's different for everyone. Travelers on the same road on different days, if you know what I mean. It has always been different for me.
   I've held onto certain qualities. Or certain things or for what ever purpose or even held on longer than I should have, way after that ship sailed for way to long, as if anchored to it being dragged under water.
   In most cases in my life, love hurt.
   And it's scary. Nobody wants to hurt.
   You have to learn it though. We all do. Wether it's a family member. Or a pet. Or our heart walks away in the hands of a heartless wench. We have to learn to deal sooner or later.
   We weren't meant to walk the earth alone. Numb to emotions. Playing with your shadow is like playing with yourself.
   I hope that you find someone to make mistakes with. Who will adventure with you. Who will laugh and cry with you. Who will caress your back when you fall asleep and will kiss you awake when the sun has risen.
   Much love kids.

12-5-15
Impossible it seems for me to dream up something everyday to write here. When I wonder why you no longer write here, I now know that it's probably because it seems very difficult to be creative in this manner every day.
The right word combinations that may or may not convey something very heart touched everyday. To portray to the readers heart and soul that these thoughts are truly genuine. To touch them with the right amount of something that hits them, just enough to keep them reading every day.
Dude, I feel you. Day five and I'm wavering wether this worth my time or not. Honestly, I'm struggling.
Talking about honesty though, that's all I can do here. Be honest.
About myself. About my story. About my description. About my intentions.
And I guess, even about my fiction.
The turns in life are many. Even if our eyes are straight with our feet.
These words are mine. They come from my heart. They come from within in hopes to reach you.
If I had to put a stamp on them and get to a mailbox to send them.... You be waiting longer to receive them.
I wish you the best in your dealings with whomever crosses your path today.
Make good stories to write about. Maybe I will read them again someday and I promise to do it without criticism.

12-6
Sitting in the quiet solitude of my early morning here. Listening to the house creek as it warms from the early morning frost.
Sometimes on my day off I sit here sipping coffee. Usually watching tv. Anything but the news.
   Today, I'm just listening.
   I am grateful to have awaken. To be breathing. To be healthy. And to have a place to wake up in.
   I know that I am better off than years ago. There was a time in my life when I didn't care if I had those things or not.
   And when I look back, I see a lot of things I've left behind. A lot of things I have gone through and the things that went through me. All I can say is that I am truly thankful for my present.
  A daily gift above all pasts. A chance to make things right. A life    fully moving forward and that never waivers in its direction.
   We all have a job to do. Wether we get payed for it or not doesn't matter. Our lives are plentiful and at times desperate.
  Today I am grateful that mine is not.
  I wish you to have an easy day. That it is even. With just enough good and bad that it is worthy of memory.

12'7

Today I awoke and within like seconds I was thinking about the eyeball.
Not the one in my head or yours. The one that is at the top or on the "cover" of these books. I suppose some of these guys an gals in here have over 1k eyeballs.
I suppose it means someone has read your writing.
I got to thinking about that. I doubt that these writings to you would even reach that many readers. But it could reach the right reader.
Maybe the eyeball makes me nervous and paranoid. There won't ever be a password here. Never be a bank account. Or my moms name. The way things are now, I guess you could find it way easier online in other regions on the inter webs.
So I made some coffee and laughed at myself a little. I do that a lot. Laugh at myself.
It's going to be 54 degrees here in the hills so I better get out there. It is my days off man.
I have to use my time wisely. Especially in the winter. 54 degrees feels like 70 when its been cold. It should be beautiful today.
I don't know about you, but, if I was you, I would be out of my normal. Out of my usual. Confronting something that I haven't seen, talking to a stranger. Enjoying the air.
Be good, man.

12815

  Respect.
  It is a value we search for in all people. It is a value that I hold high. Without it, we could have many people around us, but nobody around us at all.
   It's like walking into somebody's bar for the first time. Not knowing anyone in there and expecting to be served as well as the guys who have been going there for years.
   I don't think you can buy it from the bartender no matter how much you tip while you drink.
   That's right, you cannot buy respect.
   It's earned over time. It's beaten into you by great waves landing on the shore. It cuts us. It shapes us. It breaks us down and builds in a way that is sturdy.
  I guess what I'm talking about here is, the respect we have for ourselves. Without self respect we will never find anyone respecting us.
   I hope that whatever you are doing that you are gaining respect anyway you can. That you are true to those you respect and that they never forget that you respect them.

12915
I remember growing up in my hometown this morning. This time of year it was always very foggy.
In December, the morning had a certain smell that I distinctly remember that was pungent and fresh. Morning dew rested itself over the warm cow pies left on the ground by all the surrounding farms.
Walking in the fog on my way to the bus stop, you could actually see the water drops in the air that made the thick fog covering my path to center court where we got picked up.
When I was eight and nine years old, this place was a heaven built hell paradox. Going to school in those mornings could be a living hell which I literally loved.
I was a war filled little shit. I loved the bus stop. I got a lot of attention there.
I was made fun of for all kinds of things. Being I was poor and not well groomed and we weren't very well dressed.
That wasn't because my mom couldn't buy us nice things, more so it was because I was so hard on them. I was so easy to get at. I never realized that all these other kids were so just as poor as we were. And they probably had exactly the same issues as me.
The truth was, I enjoyed any attention I could get. I didn't get a lot at home unless it was the same attention I got at the bus stop.
A lot used to happen at that early morning bus stop.
People talking about the newest videos on MTV. Or the newest pop music or even what awesome stuff that they did that weekend or what they had planned for the next.
One of the many smells I remember from the bus stop was the smell of fresh ripped grass.
Oh yeah. The fighting that happened at that bus stop was epic. And a lot of the time, it was being cheered on by the bystanders waiting for the same bus I was waiting for.
I didn't win all the time. But I did win.
And going to school in ripped clothes and grass stained pants was a normal for me.
The fight in me with others is over man. Every day is a battle for me now.
My biggest fights are with myself. How to eat. When to exercise. When to lounge. How many hits to take off my vape. Stupid stuff like don't do stupid stuff like put a bunch of personal information online about yourself and still doing it.
We all have battles everyday. May you conquer yours in a fashion that isn't harmful. May you fight the good fight my friend and stay humble.
I don't seek attention the way I used to anymore. Self respect has done me well.
Have fun today.

12-10 2015
  Talk about battles...
  It's gonna be short today buddy. I've payed a lot for my past. Sadly today, for most things that breaks down to a monetary amount and every time I mess up in my adult life, you pay a huge amount of time one way or the other.
   Jail time or bail time. Either way I pay when I mess up.
   I've payed my way out of driving debts. All tickets payed and I just got my first drivers license in twenty years.
   It's a good day. That's a fact. That obstacle has been there a long time and I've danced around forever.
   Feels good to be somewhat more legal than I was just an hour ago.
   Have a great day dude.

12-11
Another great day in the mid west.
Today my little brother is in town.
Jerimiah is like 12 years younger than I am. He is the whitest coconut in our family.
He lives in Omaha and doesn't come around that often. We aren't that close since I wasn't around much when he was growing up but we get closer all the time.
Raised totally different, we took different paths.
I enjoy our time together. He is my long lost broseph. Even though we are different we have a lot of similarities.
I hope you make your way back to a world of possibilities and take an adventure into the unknown. It's one thing to read about them but it's something else to actually be on one.
Self-discovery is everything.
Good day.

  12-12-15
   Today we went to the monument named Crazy Horse. It's about 20 to 30 minutes away from Mt. Rushmore.
  It was nice as me and my brother adventured into this monumental museum with my two English Bulldogs.
  They said if I was to hold them off the ground that we could walk through. I tried to just walk in with them after reading the sign but immediately as we walked in we were ushered out.
  We were allowed to walk through some other doors and we came across a very nice lady who happened to take notice in my pups. She knew they weren't letting us through the front doors because of the dogs but also because her family owned the place and she gave my brother a package which was all the information you would have gained if you walked through. Even a historical DVD on the history of 68 years in carving a mountain into a monument. Pretty wild.
   So very nice. And understanding.
   Her hospitality was so genuine.
   I have the hardest way of showing people that they're welcome. I know for a fact that my methods are a bit abrasive. Sometimes even worse than sand paper.
   And I thought to myself how my life would be if I could find a way to make myself a bit more welcoming.
   Hanging with my brother today was so cool. Can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

12.13.2015
The high light of my day came so many times that I really couldn't tell you what it was.
I started out awaking early to my lady, making her way out the door to go get what it takes to make dog food. Yeah, we make our dogs fresh ground dog food for every week. I will come back to that one in a bit.
Last nite I injected a beef brisket with apple juice. So shortly after she walked out the door I took to my two missions for the morning. Missions are basically chores but I don't like thinking of them as chores.
It is my duty to take care of myself so nobody really has to. I am a self-sufficient adult. I like that. So I started my laundry and kicked on my smoker.
First, they are both missions that take time. And a good portion of my day will be to take care of these things. Although they may take some time, they don't require a lot of working hands.
Set the smoker to smoke. Hold at about 125 degrees and let the smoke flavor the meat. When cooking a good smoked meat, you're looking for your meat to be deeply flavored by whatever wood you choose to burn. Today's flavor will be hickory. It will smoke about 8 hours before I wrap it in tin foil and a couple sticks of butter with a lot more apple juice, where I will leave it cooking a few more hours. Where then I will pull it from the smoker and let them juices lock into the meat so that it is juicy and mouth melting. Not tough or dry.
Brisket cooking is an art. It's an expensive mistake if it's anything less than easy to cut. Believe me, I've learned a lesson trying to reach a master level. It takes a few good try's for sure.
So laundry is started. The brisket is going. So, I set up the meat grinder.
Our dog food is pretty simple. We buy a pre made grind of meat. It's like a hamburger except it also has liver, lungs, organs, and hearts. It comes in beef, lamb, or poultry.
We start with this meat base and then grind up hard boiled eggs, carrots, broccoli, green beans, peas, squash, and few more other veggies and garbanzo beans. After we grind it all, we then hand mix up a big tub of grinds and the make these meat balls which weigh about 7.5 oz.
Our dogs eat two meat patties in the morning and two at night.
I always thought since I started that I could probably make a living just making up high grade dog food. There's a little more to it than I posted here but for the most part, most of the recipes are written here for anyone who wants to make my idea a reality.
A little more research and I'm sure you could figure it out.
Basically, three highlights right there. I'm happy cause I will have some clean clothes, my family will have a great dinner, and so will our puppies.
But then my family came to visit us. My sister and brother showed up. Then her daughter and her boyfriend.
When we get together we tell stories and pick on each other for any of our choices made. Anything from weird clothing we may be wearing to how fat I am today to any poor choices we may have made in the past.
Honesty, it is a good time. Any thing that came up today that brought in laughter was definitely a highlight.
We made plans with my sisters significant other, to go shoot some guns at the shooting range.
HIGHLIGHTED BY ONE LOUD MOMENT. Where guns were going off. People laughing and hanging out with family. I had no idea that going to a shooting range that I would see families having a hoot while the shot guns from any caliber.
There was this Vietnam Vet who couldn't even walk but he had a whole family there who was there to shoot this bad ass browning which was fully automatic and that old bastard still was an awesome shot.
My brother had a 9mm Smith and Wesson. It's a pretty gun but my nine didn't jam and I shot a whole lot more clips than him.
My brother in law was far more advanced than I did imagine. He has it together. He doesn't come off at all anything aggressive but I would not want to meet him in a gun fight. That guy can shoot.
I'm not allowed to have guns. Somehow. I happened to have this one.
After the range, we went back to my sisters house where we got to grubbing. My wifey made an awesome Mac and cheese as well as some coleslaw to go with the brisket which I made really well. And to compliment the dinner she also made some homemade peanut butter cookies.
So..
I had a day like ICECUBE once had.
Amazing moments can be remembered forever but it's the souvenir that reminds you every time you see it.
I gave my brother his first gun when he was six. It was a red rider BB gun. We had some good times with it for sure. And 21 years later I was able to give him another one. My 9mm cannick 55 is now his.
I hope he loves it.
Some days, when working loses its luster, I am thankful that there is so much more to know about with my family. Our family is actually bigger than I imagined. Look at my family, my Facebook family list is way longer than I ever gave it thought.
My family is pretty rad.
I almost forgot to write, I was so busy today. I love you man. I wish I could show you. Someday, may never come.
But there is always tomorrow.
Good nite kid.

12/14/15
  I'm not sure what to write about tonight.
  I waited all day thinking about what I would write about. I was out and about but even with my eyes wide open, they might as well have been closed.
  I couldn't help but notice what will be happening here tomorrow.
  We have freezing fog. They call it ice fog here.  It's beautiful really. My favorite weather. First it's a fog like you have seen before except everything it touches, it sticks to. Then as it gets colder the moisture layers everything and freezes over the top of older frost.
  Ice fog turns the black hills white.
   Everything in the morning is iced and against the blue sky, it makes for a beautiful sight.
   It melts as easy as it came.  We have had a few good days of it. It is the beginning of our first big snowstorm this year. A no travel advisory till Thursday. Or late Wednesday night. 4 to 12 inches is to be expected.
  We will see...
   I am guessing around five here in Rapid City.
   The fog has already iced the roads here. With the expected snow and wind with snow drifts it should make it a tough commute.
   If I get snowed in here, it will make it hard for me to keep these writings to myself. Nobody knows I'm writing here and I'm not trying to keep it a secret or anything, I'm just writing from my hip.
  Straight up type stuff.
  I am watching the numbers grow since I started writing this. They aren't really significant. I'm not in a thousand eyeballs or anything. It's not going to my head or anything.
  I am surprised that whoever you are, that you are still reading my letter diary. I don't know what is so interesting about it. Yet I am thankful that you are adding to its number of readers.
  Grateful, honestly.
   It isn't much Holmes. . . But it's what I have today. Thanks for picking me up and reading.
   I gotta have some whatever days so you know when I'm really bringing it. Jajajaja.
   Well here is to our winter on coming. Good night Homies.

12-15-2015
So... Twice this week in the many conversations I have had with people, the subject of "broken relationships".
   I am one who has become a real sap when this has occurred in my life. I have had my share of splits and hard times.
   I have never been married. Shocker, right? Actually not really. If you just look around slowly, I would bet if you even had a quarter of my commitment issues, you can see why.
   I have not felt the need for committed relationship my whole life for one reason. It's been hard finding that "one". I've searched a long time for the ONE I have. And I am lucky to have her as she is.
   Anyways. These two or three conversations have a few comments in common and I'm not outing anyone's names here and if this sounds like you, it's because this stuff is way more common than anyone wants to admit. You are not that unique.
   One of my buds is going through separation with his wife of a few years. They have made a few kiddos and now they are splitting up.
  He is regretting a few choices he has made but justifies his negative behavior by her newest bad behaviors.
  Who she hangs out with or who she involves in her life is on her.
   He says that she is just a woman and try's to minimize the situations and although she is sending him definite signs of a rigid boundary, he still lingers in hopes she rebounds back to him.
   I have put myself here before. It's totally shitty. I get it though. I've held on before way longer than I should have before and learned the hard way, that this is a great way to let the seeds of resentment grow to harvest really slowly.
   The other was this college kid I was working on today. He said that his girl was acting out a lot before he went to school. And that she got so anxious about him leaving that he felt it would be a good idea to end their relations just before he left for school.
   He seemed to have a lot to say about what and who she is "seeing" now. What she's been up to. And where she's been spending her time.
   Funny thing to me was that they were 9 hours drive away from each other.
   I got to thinking, this dude must have a spy or a drone he operates from hell o'far away to know what's up with his ex.
  I've done the long distance thing before too, and I'll tell you, for me, it hasn't ever really worked either.
   There were a couple of kids I was working for and it seems the younger these guys are the worse the talk is about these girls or ladies becomes. They were talking about this girl who had told her boyfriend that she was wanting an open relationship.
    Obviously this is not a good situation. She likes you. She likes him. Maybe him too or her for that matter.
   I can't blame the guy for saying no, but his friends were being total jerks with their opinions of her. And I am totally keeping it clean here.
   I am no love guru. Aye, I never read no relationship self help books either. I have had my share of failed relationships. That's all I have.
   Over the years, I have been an open ear to anyone willing to chat, and with that came many stories of relationship advice and divorce stories and advice. And so on. Everything from building stuff to buying stuff to investing stuff to stealing stuff and human trafficking.
   Man the things people will talk about in a tattoo shop. Some of things are good. Some of them not the kinds they talk about with mom if you know what I mean.
   
  So. Here it goes. My rant.
  Carry this advice with you always. Everyone is on a journey.
   Sometimes, on the road to destiny, we walk with people. We even hold hands. We eat together. We sleep together.
   Sometimes it's only a moment.
   Other times, it's more than a season. Sometimes we journey on for years.
   The journey of self-discovery isn't easy.  It isn't always well traveled. It isn't always smooth.
  And you're with these people for some time. And in this time people change you for better or worse. Their memories stay longer.
  I think I am just trying to use big words here that make long sentences.
  Let me be frank here.
   When your with a person, and she's good to you  for a while and fucking ends... It's over.
  Don't talk shit about her. Don't let your friends talk shit. Don't stick around and see what she's up to. So you have new resentments which fester into shit talk.
  Just keep on moving. Don't slow down.
  If you're not gonna slut around don't talk about how she is.
  Stay the course. Be thankful for the moment, the period of time that you shared and don't get involved with the pitiful opinions of your friends.
  It's pointless.
   It doesn't say much about you when you talk about an ex negatively. Easier said than done. I know.
  I just have a lot of life experience. And honestly, it's never helped with anything new.
   When somebody new comes along the path, they want to hear about your dreams. Your interests. Your next destination.
   Not the place you just left.
   Maybe they're trying to get past the same shit.
    Never let anyone Diminish your self-esteem. Including you. Let go of the weight. Don't get stuck in a limbo waiting for something that is never going to be.
    Have the self respect to know that you're worth is of the clearest most rare uncut diamond. Carve yourself. Shape yourself. Never stop being better than yesterday.
    I don't know if this helps ever.
  May you find someone who sees what I know is already there,  bud. Stay solid. Don't get caught in a paradox.
   Good night.

121615
Looking at the blinking blue curser and thinking.
Who am I to give advice.
The day's move so swiftly that it seems time has no relevance. That even if the arms are turning that the second hand has much more to do.
Waiting for something to say that captures even my own imagination.
The day is bright. The snow is well lit by a clear blue sky and everything looks clean and new. Wind is blowing cold snow into ice as it covers the road.
I'm reaching here. I know. Nearly six thousand words and I don't feel a day closer.
The new day has come and there is plenty to fill the void. I just keep dumping into it. Eventually I imagine I will see the bottom.
The clock knows well what I do not. I look to the creek and and for it, it looks like the clock has stopped. Frozen waterfall. Running water stopped in motion.
I sit. The day has beauty. The air is crisp. The snow crunches under foot and the path is white. Even when it seems coldest inside here, it is warm.
Good day.

12-17-15
  The lady between us on the cover of this chapter is my mom. Your Grandmother.
She is the hardest working person I know. She taught me work ethics among many other values. 65+ and still has a full time job. Continually striving to make the quality of her life better than yesterday. If you're ever lucky enough to meet with her, and talk with her, you will find your travel time was worthwhile.
I have many mom stories. This one is a top ten favorite.
  My mom has done everything in her power to make the best out of every situation we have ever been in. Even if that meant to sacrifice everything for it.
   Believe me she is the epitome of sacrifice.
   When I was younger, my fondest memories of my mother, were some of her values, her strengths, and her compromises.
    I was being a little shit. I was eight years old and man, by then I had the cops bring me home several times for several different reasons. I was constantly fighting with other kids in our neighborhood and had many impressions negatively on people who had crossed paths with my mom.
   My mom, five foot, two inches of her, had beat me every which way till Sunday. She tried, oh man did she try. It was a constant for me in my life.  Get into trouble. Face my mothers wrath. And then go do it again.
   This time, she made fried fish and rice again for dinner. I grew up on this stuff and I wanted to be spoiled. You know like other kids in our neighborhood. Our town had just got its first Mc Donald's and I had heard so much about it in school that I just wanted my mom to take us there.
   I was making a loud fuss and I said some stuff I probably shouldn't have said to a hard working single mom, let alone, my mom.
   She loved me hard, man. She has done everything she could to give me the best of two worlds. Paving our way through her old world Filipino ways in an American culture.
   Lots of words went both ways and I don't know how they went down, but I will tell you all the ass whooping, never affected me like this lesson.
   She told me to give up all the things she had given me.
   I said I would.
   She took it. My room. My toys. My clothes. Including the ones I was wearing and sent me out the door. Naked.
   I sat on the porch behind some things trying to hide my nudity.
   She came out to see if I was still there. And I was.
   " You don't appreciate what I do for you? You don't like my food that I make for you? You don't like where we live, Kevin? Fine. Go get what you want on your own. Go get you some clothes. Go find a new place to rest your head. Have any kind of food you want. you don't like it here? Get off my porch!"
   And at this time, it sank in. I was ashamed of myself. I was crying and didn't want to leave her porch.
    She went back inside, grabbed a broom and tried brushing me off of the porch. I jumped the railing and ran for the shed next to our house. A crowd of kids laughing across the street watching my mom chasing me with her broom.
   My mom worked so hard. Stayed single as long as anyone could. She was lonely and had no help from my father. She gave all so that I could have some.
   That day shaped me forever.
    Of course she let me back in. And of course there were many more days I was a little shit. But not like that.
    Today is her birthday. I love you mom. Thank you for giving me a life to breath through. A life to make my own. To become the man I am today.
   Sorry it took so long. But I'm glad you finally get to see the work payed off.
   Thanks for reading.

12-18
   Today I am grateful for dog cuddles.
  We have English Bulldogs in our home. All my life there have been dogs around me yet none have ever been like bullies.
  Soft and wrinkly. Sloppy moist jowl drops. With their warm breath and cold lips.
   I just love them.
  I just wish I knew how to love like my bullies. Wish I knew how to have completely give 1000%. Wish I knew how to be 100 down on loyal. Warm and loving.
  If I would have had what my dogs have when I was so many years younger, I imagine my life to have been so different.
  I am thankful to be a part of my dogs life. I'm thankful that he is in mine.
   That is all I have today.

12-19
I'm here and don't know what to put here today. Early morning coffee and I have to get ready for a big day.
A big day for me is a lot of work that is not drawn yet and is expected by my people who pay for my lovely life. It doesn't happen all the time, where I am not prepared, but it just so happens that I get a fly by the seat of my pants kind of day.
These busy days are coming again.
I am just waiting to make it through Christmas.
Christmas has never been a favorite holiday for me. I've never really enjoyed one throughout my years. There has been some exceptions though but for the most part of my life, December has been a famine month.
We economically stretch ourselves in order to buy the people we love stuff they really do or do not need in a way as to show them we love them. As if not doing it all year was enough.
Such a crazy idea Christmas is.
I have no idea what Christmas has been for you over the years. Were they good? Do you have find warm memories of this holiday? Do you stretch yourself to get your pops a gift or your cousins?
I don't know how it was or is for you. I've never been there, as much as it sucks, I don't know if I will ever know.
We usually cook stuff and do the generalized Christmas custom of gift exchange. And then it's off to our phones. And then the tv. And then dinner. And then it's bedtime with the meat sweats.
I make it sound dull here but it isn't. We make rounds and people visits.
It wasn't always so for me. Perhaps if it wasn't such a pitiful story, I may tell you some of it. But for most of my life Christmas hate and grinch selfishness have been my usual.
I'm finally getting over some things man. Growing indeed.
I'm thinking though, if I am to ever write anything to you of worth, I better get out of my comfort zone and go see some stuff. I'm stretching just to write to you on the daily.
Have a great day man, as you find yourself in the Mayhem of the season. Protect yourself at all times and try not to kill anyone foot stomping you to get to the cash register before you.

122015
  Failures.
  Today I think on a lot of my failures.
   I tried a lot of things I shouldn't have. I did a lot of things most people wouldn't even think about. I pulled off a lot of high jinx without any training or guidance.
   I think that when I was younger, I would do anything people told me not to do.
   You know. Don't do drugs. Don't mix drugs. Don't quit high school. Don't go out with that girl. You should not be doing whatever it was that I was doing when or before I did it and either did it or failed.
   I tried hang gliding once. I don't know if it counts, but as far as I am at it today, I am not an avid hang glider guy.
  I failed a lot in school.. Never graduated. I went back to try and get my GED and I scored well until I got to the math portion of my test, rather than fail, I just didn't get to it.
   If your gonna be dumb, you better be tough. And that is how the song goes. Don't know if you have ever heard it.
  But it rings true.
  I tell you man, the truth is, I think we have all failed at one time or the other. I am not perfect.
   It's made for a lot of laughs in my lifetime.
   Don't ask that girl out, she will reject you. Shit man, if I didn't ask, you wouldn't be here. And I would never have a reason to write these whoppers down for those toilet reads.
   So many things go for the mere want of ever asking.
   Enjoy the insecurities. Learn to find a way to deal or bounce back from those failed choices and don't let anything pull you from your course.
  There is also the feeling of success when you succeed. That's novel, right?
   A certain inner explosion of confidence. Self respect. A self esteem leveled in an upper spiral.
   Keep fighting the good fight my man. Sometimes, when I don't get what I wanted out any situation, I at least know that, I tried.
   Along with my failures, there came a lot of regrets.
   And along with those came a lot of successions and some great stories. Laughter indeed.
  May you be having the greatest moments in life. May you live to the end without nothing left to say.
   Good night bud.

122115
The world was supposed to end today 3 years ago.
I really didn't believe it. Sure as hell didn't care too much if it did. What I mean is, I didn't fill a bug out bag. I did not store water and food away. I did not collect an arsenal of weapons.
But I did do a little research. It did interest me.
The end of the Mayan calendar was a celestial event marking the moment when all of our solar system of planets align with our sun.
I imagine that if I were near the equator this would have been easily seen but from where we were, here on Bear Butte, way up high in the northern hemisphere, it was a diagonal line from where the sun set.
Bear Butte is a holy place to the Sioux Natives here in the Black Hills.
   As you ascend to the top you will see colors of ribbons in the general five colors of red, yellow, black, and white and some of them are blue.
The first four colors, representing the four directions. And the blue to represent day, night, and maybe water. I'm no expert by any means, and I've been told that the first four colors represent many more things than merely four directions. One of them more so, that these are the colors of the medicine wheel.
And that they use these representations of color to heal any person. To help them along the way.
There is something to it. I will not lie. If you ever get a chance to see it for yourself, I am sure that a feeling will overcome you.
Many have made there way to the top. Some of them carrying everything needed for the Sundance ceremony. Everything from tents to water and food. The tree that natives would pierce their flesh and string themselves to this tree and dance in the sun without food or water. Or the fire wood where natives would cut there flesh and sacrifice it, making an offering to their God.
I remember the day well. The end of the world three years ago, today, wasn't the end for me. It was the end of all I knew though.
I tied four ribbons myself. I tied some tobacco in a tie and it rests still at the top of the butte.
I asked for what I did. And the prayers have been answered indeed. I have never had my prayers answered before so quickly. It makes me believe again. In something I can not see. Somethings I can not hear or feel. In a something that is unattainable in vision.
I will never truly understand it.
I really do not have to. There is something supernatural which has been with me my whole life. Something watching over me with all of my stupid decisions that I have made, I am still here to write to you.
It may have been the end. Who knows?
The world has turned many times since then. Twelve seasons have passed.
It may be time for me to climb the Butte once more.
I am on the red road. It means something to be on it. I have yet to heal completely. Although this is helping. . . Writing here.
If you're an atheist, I understand. If you're the type to pray to something, I understand. In my lifetime I have been both.
I hope you have known that feeling of the spirit with you. That you know that we are never alone. Something is watching over us all. That it guides us. Even if we decide to lead off to our own. It still brings you back.
And it will bring you back again and again till you get where you need to be, no matter how stubborn we are.
Life is good. Especially when we are living it.
And when we are not living it, it is dangerous and loathsome. Our lives feel as though they've ended. And in some cases, they did end. Ended as we know it.
I guess that is why, on this day, three years ago I was not afraid of the world ending. My world has ended so many times that I guess you just get used to it.
I put up my prayer flags and believed in something greater than myself. And believed with all my faith that the four directions would lead and guide me back to you no matter what the situation was. That it would bring my family closer than ever. And it has. We are tighter than we ever were.
I am patient. Even if you never make your way to visit, we are always welcoming you to the ceremony of life.
May you find your direction and venture out of your comfort zone and see a whole new world. Not mine.
Yours man.
Fair well.

12-22
The first day of winter was short.
From here on out till summer the days will get longer. And the days will get bigger. The pay will get better.
The work will get bigger.
And like all the other years gone by, I will stay sober. I will go into spring watching things turn green. Watch the warmth of the great sun build life into the hills and the snow will melt.
It will send water through the creeks feeding the rivers and raising the waters. The sky's will warm and the dry the air. The birds will fly again here.
But I will not let it go by without enjoying days of it. Wasting away going to work so I can eat so I can sleep so I can go to work and do it all over again.
Next year will be filled with work. But also memories that I will make to remember when I'm sleeping in the grave.
I have many stories to tell. Many secrets that I keep. And the stories to make. Many more stories to make.
I hope you made a memory to tell someone today. I hope your day was filled with happy laughter and that you have found your day to have passed with love to share with someone special. That you are not alone.
Night man.

12232015
Today was the birthday of a special friend of mine. He had a short period of time in my life.
  Yet the story is long.
   He was my first of many friends to pass away.
   I still carry him with me.
   Being young and watching a whole family mourn a death is hard. Being a part of that family is tougher.
   I think we are still affected by it even 22 years later. And every year in the same week we mourn his death.
   He died on Christmas. They called it an acute sinus arrhythmia. Some of us know and some of us think.
   We all will discover a death close to our hearts someday. A best friend. Maybe a parent.
   We never know. We never want to think about it. Death never sends a notice.
   It's not like a birth where your expecting someone to come into your life. It's more like a falling star. Or possibly more like a lightning strike.
   Yeah. A lightning strike. They are actually hotter than the sun and in effect, cause damage to everything with in it radius. Sometimes, it's a forest fire. Sometimes it's a lucky strike and nothing is affected.
   Xavier Shawn Macias was one hell of a friend. A brother. And a dad. Even though he died before he could ever meet his daughter, I am sure he has been there the whole time.
   I know that I have carried him all this way.
  When he died, I took a spiral. And it was nothing but down. I forgot the world. And there was no way out of it. I couldn't shake it.
  I was using drugs to run from my guilt. I made promises and couldn't achieve them without bringing him home. I was already long gone before he left. And for whatever the reason, my swan dive never hit rock bottom until I was much older.
   Every year that passed I destroyed myself. Every year that passed I tried to pass over. Wasted away till the end of the year. Ruin myself in hopes to pass on the same day.
   How dumb was I?
   Lost. I continued this every year of my life and never realized that I just needed to feel his passing. I never dealt with it. Not till I was way older. Hell, it took three sober Christmas's for me to grieve it.
   When someone passes, it's best to not follow my path. But if you choose to, you will never get any grief from me. I understand how death close to your heart can affect you. Even if you chose to run so far away that you thought it wasn't going to burn like it does. It will. And every year that passes, may hurt less, but it still hurts.
   Anyways. Real shit.
  Happy Birthday Brother. Thanks for staying with me this long. Your daughter is so funny. She is everything you could imagine.
   You're having a grand son soon. His name will be Ronin. Yeah, your daughter loves Anime.  It's cute.
   Much love.

12-24-15
My birthday.
I get to see Star Wars.
I got to work today.
I came home and my love made everything perfect in our house. It smells of baking desserts and our home hasn't looked this clean in weeks.
She is so hard working. I'm a fortunate man.
If I do not write tonight, you at least have this. I'm going to enjoy these moments.
Remember to enjoy the moments my friend.

            * ***************** *
All day, I have seen great deeds of love and affection. Unexpectedly I was gifted from a few friends and of course many birthday wishes online.
  The best gift I received wasn't a thing at all.
    It was a connection to people that I am close to.
  I am a lucky man today. Makes me think about how all the times I was down in the dumps, living through it all, made it worthwhile. Getting to here has been a real long road.
   Sometimes it feels like it couldn't get any worse.
   But that's not today.
   I am blessed to be here. Grateful to be alive. I have so much to be HERE for.
  No matter how bad it gets man just keep trucking. You'll never know what's on the other side of the mountain if you don't try to get passed these obstacles.
   Good luck to you in your journey's in life. I hope you have more than several days like this one in your life.

12*25
Christmas 2015. It was a pretty good day. Blessed with family and all the things that come with this holiday.
I know you have said that you never want to have any kids. And I also understand why.
Honestly man, it comes around and leaves when it wants to. My happiness, when it comes to having children. More often than not, it can be frustrating when it comes to their loudness or their silence or even their their choices.
Hell man. I will tell you the truth though, there is no greater reward than having them together and watching them interact. Especially when none of them were of the same mother.
My daughters have grown up now and they have their own babies. They're beautiful kids. I'm lucky not to have little monkeys running amok.
If you never find love, it will be okay. That emotion is hard to capture and I understand if it is elusive in life. I get it. It took me a long time to find the "one" I have now.
The ever elusive "one".
Having kids though. . .
Wether your in love or not, a child's love is unconditional. It is unexplainable. There are no other words to explain this concept. I just hope that you learn it.
Even if you choose not to respond, you are here. You are here to breath. Here to live. Here to have all the rewards of your sloth or your hard work. You're here to starve or eat. Feast or famine.
You are here. To love or hate. To walk blindly or make great choices.
Know this. For it is true. I regret not being there. But it was for the better. I am sure my mother was not proud of my choices in life. But she was patient and her patience has payed off. For now I am in a place where she can be proud of my choices in life.
Our lives take many turns. Our lives cross the paths of many. We take on so many different roles to so many different people.
What I am getting at is, family is very important. I hope you choose to make one someday. There is nothing like it. Unconditional love.
Merry Christmas man. I hope it was spent with all those you call family. And that you were not alone in a room full of people. That you feel the emotion I'm trying to convey.
Good night.

12-26
  It snowed heavy Christmas night here.
  Instead of driving your sister home last night she opted to not  drive and stay the night at my house.
   Since her mother and I broke up twenty years ago, she has only stayed a handful of nights with us.
   You have two sisters. They are from different mothers and are like seriously 11 day apart. In many ways they are so different and in so many ways they are very much the same.
  My girls are very loyal to their mothers. I'm not too upset about it for obvious reasons but it does make me a little....
    Well, jealous... Jealous really isn't the word that I'm trying to convey, but it's the word that is coming to mind at the moment.
   It really has been a journey with my daughters. It really has. I'm absolutely proud of them both. They both are on their own journeys taking paths that aren't far apart from each other.
  It's like they're on different ships in sight of each other. They have the same weather experiencing different weather.
   I do wish they were closer, but I think they never truly will be.
   Anyways, my moment with her today was pretty memorable. She had told me that her mom gave her a lot of the things she had kept over the years.
  You see, I have spent a lot of my years over writing. Writing everything that came to mind. Mostly just angry angst of my early twenties. Wasted words of a wasted mind.
  She told me that she read that stuff and some of the things she thought as well as a few of the things she had asked her mom about them.
   I got to read a bit of it. And I thought after a few lines that I didn't need to go any further.
   My writings of today are way better than then and that is all I have to say about it. There is a lot "me,myself and I" here. But it isn't angry, depressing, or nonsense.
  I would think you got me at my best.
   Anyways. I will write to you more about these family members as time goes on. I think I should ask them if it's cool for me to use their names here.
    I don't know how they would feel about me doing so in this fashion. Anyways.
   When I look back, and I see where I started, I realize how far we have all come.  There definitely has been some distance covered man.
   I was a stranger to them both at one time. Now I am not. We are lucky to live close to each other.
   I guess that is why I am here writing to you. You do not live so close.
    And you used to check in here. I will never know if these words are reaching you. I consider these messages to metaphorical bottles left in an abandoned ocean waiting to reach your shores.
    There's a whole new world out here. You'll have to explore it sometime.

12~27
Let me start today by letting you know a little about my sister.
You see I have a true sister and a half blood sister. So I guess, I have a sister and a half sister and today is my sisters birthday.
You haven't met your aunt. She does know about you and she has seen pictures I took when I came to visit.
Let me tell you about her.
When I was younger and I'm talking pre-teen, we were growing up in this trailer park in a cow town next to your town. We didn't have much growing up, and a lot of kids didn't think much of me to be more than a fighter in the trailer park. I had a little sister.
She was rad. I never really counted on how rad she was till we were much older.
But as a little sister would, she believed of me to be this bad ass that had mad amounts of popularity and was liked by everyone I crossed paths with.
It is true.
Boy friends of hers were warned well how I would beat them into bloody pulps if they ever screwed her over. And the rumor rings today still. Although I have never beat any one of her boyfriends up, ever. There is still a little bit of truth to that.
I would hate to portrait either of us badly here. I was a lot of these things she believed me to be. And a lot of them, I let her believe. Either I didn't want her to think less of me, or it was the truth.
I am sure of one thing and one thing only. If my little sister didn't think so highly of me I would not have made the turns I did in life.
She is the one of us both who is the better at all the things she thought of me when we were little. She is more trusting of people. She is giving and graceful and way better at holding grudges than me. Jajajajaja.
She the more human of us both.
I am a machine.
I have feelings. But not as many as she. And god knows I have hurt a lot hers in our lifetime together. I do shit without even realizing it till the afterthought comes.
When we were children, she looked up to me. I was a big brother. I watched over her. I bullied people who bullied her and I went to bat for her and took whoopins for her. We did all kinds of battles together.
The coolest thing about growing up with her was when she told her friends about how awesome she felt about me, they thought I was as awesome as she let on as well. Growing up with a little sis like her was pretty fun as well.
Today, my sister is exactly the way I remember her. She is loving. Trusting beyond fault. Loyal even to those she shouldn't be. And even with all her life experience, she doesn't care about the past. Lessons learned even the hard way, when it comes to people, doesn't stop her from inviting you through the front door and eating at her table.
She LOVES children. I don't like kids until they are old enough to walk, talk, and wipe their own asses. Sad. But true.
She doesn't really have a career like me but her hustle is on point. She is a go getter for sure.
The g turn I would have to make to be even half the human that she is, would be more than 90 degrees. I'm not sure if you understand that last line but it's a pretty sharp turn.
I am proud of my little sister and in a lot of ways, she is bigger than me. She is what she thought I was when we were young.
I hope you get to hang out sometime. She is something else I tell you.
A person who is always trying to make the world around her a better place. If only the world were in abundance of those just like her.
I don't know if you have someone like that where you live in your world. You have sisters but I don't know if you will ever be as close. My hope is that you may build that someday but as of right now, I just hope it is something you have already with someone close to you. Maybe a cousin or a brother. I wish I knew.
Every now then we slip away from each other. It's healthy. It's what happens and I'm just glad to know that we eventually make our way back to each other.
I love her and don't know what I would do with out her.

12-28
  So this is 11185 words, eh.
  The time is coming, where this will be harder to do. Writing to you on a daily will be a true test of my dedication.
  I mean, it's easy to write in December. There isn't a lot going on. When there are a ton of art projects to work on and my season begins, in mid January, that's when I will be pushing words out. Maybe they will be shorter. Who knows.
   The way my mind works I may change focus and instead of writing to you only, I will write to them all. I mean to all my kids.
   Maybe instead of letters to you I start writing just something. Make it as unfocused as the introduction I wrote.
    I'm reaching here. I don't had a lot to say today. Just a lot of overthinking and wondering what to write about today.
   Both of my dogs snoring on the couch. Writing while watching Mad Max - The road warrior. Thinking about how these writings are going to go.                        
   Surprised at how many people read this from last night and wondering if one of them was you.
    None of the other kids knows I write here. Just my lovely wife and my brother. And since I told him I was writing, I did not say where. I imagine one day they may stumble upon it and it will be surprise to them to know my insights weren't too disturbing.
   While some of the things I write here are mostly gratitude lists and life lessons.
   I have written my whole life. I had these spiral notebooks that I jotted shit down in. And I mean total shit. A written history of my drug induced history of feelings and emotions and destructive poetry that I do not find fun reads. Filled with self loathing and pitiful renderings of my psyche.
    But this...
   This is far from that. It isn't a hate diary.
    I do this because I love you. But I can not reach you. I want to know you but you're holding nothing against me or you are. I don't know.
   When I try to communicate with you, I feel not a bit closer. And when the small talk feels empty, it is because the small talk is merely the beginning of the conversation that goes no where.
   So....
   Here it is. Read it if you want to. Dismiss it if it's not noteworthy. This is just me. I'm not dying. I'm fairly healthy. It isn't my last cry from my death bed.
   Wether you share yourself or not, I will not know till you do. But these words are for you, _____. I don't know if I should put any names here.
  Enter your own if you wish. 
  When writing in those spiral notebooks, it never counted my words for me. I don't think I have ever texted so many in my life.
    I'm delighted by their number. It's funny.
    I hope to read some of your newer stuff.  I do enjoy it.

12~29~15
Days away from this years end. My Facebook is filled with people and their New Years resolutions and their wants for better things or better circumstances.
I refuse to post any of that crap, man.
In my years past, I have tried a lot of resolutions never meeting my revelation. Attempts with all my heart. Frustration overcomes my wants and sooner than later, I give in to desire.
Let's see. . .
2000. I will make it to work on time and be an awesome employee. Stay focused on my work and cut back on my drug usage.
Jajajajaja.
I think that's how they all were up until 2005.
I may have even added that,"I will not cheat on my girlfriend this year",in there as well. The truth is, I got frustrated over something, got high, cheated on my girlfriend and in time was late to work because I was not focused on anything but myself.
And although for those years I had every intention of doing well, I totally failed myself.
Fortunately I didn't give it much thought. I still didn't follow through with those things.
So... 2006. What a shitty year. I assure you I was lucky to make it out of that shit hole.
2006, your Mother found me on MySpace, and brought to my attention that things were not as I had believed. On top of all that my life went to shambles and everything I had come to know took a leap like a swan dive into the pavement.
I would love to tell you all about it. But I am not proud of 2006 at all. Those were some dark days.
2007 started out the same, except I would find a new girlfriend and live the good life and chill a little.
You know. Just smoke weed. Just drink. No xtc and no meth. No pills. Jajajajaja, I was a lost cause.
That year, I was wasted. At the end of it after breaking my hand 2 times, wrecking my knee on an ATV, getting jumped in a bar by two dudes and two unlucky pool sticks, I was stabbed by one of my best friends at the time and then November 14th 2007, I'm picked off by US Marshals. Sent to a federal holding facility and con-aired to South Dakota.
Best thing to happen to me in a while. Jajajajaja.
2008. Went to inpatient treatment facility for Meth-amphetamines. I took a few parenting classes. A relationship class. Some moral recognition classes. And a class called true thought and criminal behavioral class where I learned that my drug problems were the result of some learned behaviors masking underlying issues with my feelings.
I was mentally sick.
Learned a lot about my favorite subject. Myself.
You know. It was helpful.
Started off 2009 with a whole new set of resolutions.
Basics. Easy goals. New philosophy of life, on life's terms. 12 step type of stuff.
Get solid. Don't live outside my means.
Basically every resolution from 2008 has been a bit of the same stuff.
Basic mantras.
I spent the first 4 years of sobriety getting muscular and gaining weight. And the last four trying to lose it. But those weren't resolutions.
The basic mantras.
1. Do not represent yourself poorly. ( I am not perfect at this one. But I try.)
2. Be self-sufficient. (Rely on yourself and you will be disappointed much less.)
3. Stay small and get big. ( Meaning that if I am humble, people will always tell you how good you are. Do not let your ego tell you.)
4. You have to get up. Go out. Go get it. Bring it home and skillet. (Nothing is going to come to you for free. You have to go and seek out what you need to make your life better.)
5. A sense of humor is important. (A joyous heart is good medicine. It's in the bible, man. Must be good shit.)
6. Stay goal oriented.
7. Be impeccable with your word.
8. Always do your best.
Just my intentions on any given day. They're not resolutions.
So I will not post any resolutions to Facebook. Nor will I post any here.
On any given day, man, I am just trying to be a better person. Better than I was yesterday. Better than last year.
Enjoying the insecurities of my sobriety. Knowing that if I'm unsure of anything in my life, I know it's a new situation.
While in a new situation, sometimes I forget the first mantra. I have some character defects. I know this.
Not everyone we meet, takes into consideration that maybe if they're showing, that I am continually working on them even though I've asked that they were removed.
I don't know if any thing here is something you would find as a similarity to yourself. Or if there is anything that would settle a difference.
Sometimes these writings seem self absorbed. I don't mean to come across that way.
There are a lot of people in our lives. People that matter and make a difference in our choices, our chances, and mostly, the time we spend together in our lives.
Going forward and making sense of our present, is only a representation of our progress from our past.
It's been a long road, man.
Our lives cross the paths of many.
It's our interactions that define how we are remembered.
History is only kind to those who were. If you weren't kind, you should write your own history, right?
Good night, buddy.

12-30
   Today, I sit at work. I work with a couple great guys and the shop owner is as close to me as he can be. I have no complaints about where I work.
   Sometimes though, I have some complaints about what I have to do to make the all mighty dollar.
    There are days when I have to say to myself, "You wanted to be a tattoo artist...." And I shake my head.
   I have been tattooing almost twenty years now. I've seen all the tattoo trends come and go. And then come again. And then go. Jajaja.
   I know that I don't have to let it get to me at all but you know, somethings will never change.
   I remember when people would come in and they were happy to get something off the wall. If you could pull off a tattoo that was on the wall just like it was on the wall, or better, that made you pretty good.
  Hell, you weren't even respected as a tattoo artist till you had drawn a few sets of flash yourself. That's how you learned to tattoo. First you had to redraw flash to make a more updated concept of the old designs. Then you drew your own art.
   Drawing your own flash meant that you were giving back to tattoo. Artists everywhere got to know who you were by doing tattoos you had drawn.
  A lot of people became familiar with your art and you got familiar with theirs through tattoo flash.
   But then people didn't want anything that was on the wall, anymore. We made a dive into the custom age. Which was exciting, really.
  By then, you had learned what you liked and didn't like. And by then, you had taken all these different styles and made your own.
  Tattooers are thieves.
   It's true. The late 90's we would open tattoo magazines and see all the newer stuff being done. And then we would try to recreate it and make a living. Either by flash art or stealing styles we admired and making them our own.
   Truthfully though, not all of us were stealing from each other. But there was a great momentum growing in the ink industry.
   The early two thousands came. And along with it, came the internet. The inter webs changed tattoo forever.
  Before, you needed a library to keep up with people's demands. Smashed fairies to biomechanics. Demons to religious icons. Now you had reference at your fingertips.
   Life changed a lot for us. By 2005, most people were printing out images right from the internet and bringing them in.
    It was cool at first. People's imaginations were vast with inquiries and the research became easy. You could find meaningful stories about the images you chose and people got smarter for a minute. Jajajajaja.
   I think that after 2005 we began the steep decline of finding art reference. People just started getting lazy.
   Instead of researching an awesome tattoo design. Learning the meaning of it or what culture it came from, or even what religion or who the artist was. People are coming in with their cell phones choosing other people's tattoos. Or words that are tattooed on people already. Stealing their quote because they like it or someone else's compass and skull.
   I don't know what the hell is wrong with people.
   On any given day, I could tattoo a compass. A rose. An anchor, or even a light house on someone who has never used a compass, sailed a boat or even seen the ocean.
   We tattoo unsinkable anchors and feathers with bird silhouettes flying out of them. And the dumbest tattoo of 2015 I would have to say goes to the infinity symbol.
  Infinity with a word. Infinity with a word and some bird silhouettes and maybe all that with a water color background. And to top it off. "Here is a picture of a tattooed infinity symbol with all the stuff that I want. "
    Today though, I had to remember my last mantra and doing your best is all I could ever want. I made some money. I did some tattoos.
   Sometimes I just need to remember that I'm not wearing these tattoos I do. I don't have to choose them for people. And they're the choice of many.
   I have to remember that my opinion matters quite a bit. So I choose not to give them unless I know the person well.
  My opinions about other people's choices, never sold tattoos. That the Internet is the flash wall of today.
   My winter slump is almost over and I can smell the new wind of the new year. It's going to be a great spring. I just need to make it through the next two weekends and I'm sure to start climbing again. 
   Anyways. There's something different to read. I hope you had a great day of sleeping as I know you are nocturnal.
   Do you walk in the fog of winter there? I used to love that. So thick you could only see down half a block.
   It was almost mystical at sunrise. Cold as it was. There was something to the spirits in the fog.

123115
The last day of the year.
I would be lying if I said that I wasn't thinking about next year. The truth is, I totally have no clear view of the future. I have no idea where it is going or what it will lead to.
I know that the goal will always be the same. Just higher.
I know that my sobriety is of the most important and that I wouldn't be where I am without it.
I take a moment to think about all the best things that happened to me this year and I know if I am not at the top of my roller coaster, that I am very close.
This year was filled with blessings. We did good as a family and came together as much as possible. Our family gets together and there are little arguments and lots of laughs.
Our house is a safe place to be in. We have plenty of good dinners. We eat together often. Our rooms are mostly clean and our bills were paid.
We opened a hair salon this year. My love is truly independent now. Sure it comes with a whole new set of complications but in the end I can see the rewards. Already she seems to be experiencing some of the many frustrations of a new business owner. I remember them well.
It is nice to have a woman who is goal oriented and pushes for what she wants.
In fact she is one of the many reasons I feel so blessed but at the same time, she is as much a blessing to me as she is to your little brother. She is my other half. So much, that we are now engaged
We all went to Florida this year and we traveled all through it. We all worked to pay for the raddest vacation yet to date.
We all did a bit of work this year. Your little brother has carried two jobs almost all of this year plus kept up in school.
Your sister had a son. She is growing up too. She's got this way of proving herself all the time. She has a great support system as well. Above any I could have foreseen. Healthy boy.
We also went to Arizona and visited some really great friends. People who have seen me through many trials. Their son was a blessing. He is almost two years old now. Very healthy. We were blessed to be there just before his first birthday.
I've been at work for the same place 8 years now. It's crazy for me to think that I have been there that long. I've taken on an apprentice who is very talented. He should go far in this art industry. Should surpass me and very quickly.
I am lucky to be in a place where I can help out.
So many other people have come and gone this year, and I know that for a fact, I am not always the coolest dude around... But only a small few left badly due to me representing myself badly.
I've done my best.
I will go into next year knowing for the most part, I did no harm. I lived without deceiving people and tried my best at everything I did.
I did a lot of tattoos this year. And there might have been a handful that stood out. Next year I will work hard but I think I will try to find a better balance in my leisure.
I am not religious. But I will tell you that I need to revamp my spirit. I need to reconnect with some good people and some good vibes. I know I cannot keep going on the way I am and keep climbing for no reason.
Our lives are meant to be shared. I think I will try and share more of myself and have more time with some of the folks I've met along the way.
I hope you're not alone and that you are blessed as well, and that you have little want in your life.
Happy New Year, Son. Be Well.