— ❝ironically alive.❞

            The day went on like any other. Estelle found herself spending lunch with PJ and Josie, as she walked along with Hazel. The three girls usually sat on the benches overlooking the rugby field. So that is where Estelle sat.

            PJ just told them how her and Josie were almost expelled because of the damage they had done to Jeff. They continued to talk about their fight club they apparently were starting up. Obviously Jeff wasn't actually harmed, though everyone seemed to believe his act that he was.

            "I can't believe they're letting you guys start a fight club." Hazel said. Instead of sitting on the benches, she sat in front of one, dangling her legs over the one in front of her. Estelle sat one bench above her, sipping from her water.

            "No, they're— they're not," Josie replied firmly. "We are not."

            PJ stood in front of the girls in her company. She refused to sit down. "What're you talking about? We're gonna do it. We're doing it."

            Hazel's face held a small smile. She looked up at Estelle, the wind softly blowing her hair out of her face. When Josie replied to her best friend, Hazel's gaze returned to her. "PJ, I wasn't being serious." She responded, sounding surprised PJ didn't know that.

            "Josie, did you see the way Isabel and Brittany were looking at us?" PJ only got a groan from Josie in response. "Also, you heard the announcements. Girls are terrified. It's perfect, they need this."

            Estelle thought back to the girl on the PA this morning. She'd seen Shelley walking in the hallways and her face was indeed fucked up. A self defence class wasn't the worst idea in history.

            "Okay, no. They need, like, mace, maybe." Josie retorted. "We can't do that, okay? We'd be misleading them." Even though Estelle liked the idea of the class, Josie had a point.

            But PJ was quick to think of something. "Guys do that all the time, okay? That's the feminism."

            "No, it's not." Estelle acknowledged with a silent laugh. It came out sounding mockingly, so she made sure to shut herself up furthermore.

            "You also don't care about feminism. Your favourite show is Entourage." Josie outed her friend. They ignored Estelle's comment whatsoever.

            At this point, PJ had left her drink on the bench. Estelle figured she'd forgotten it was even there. "You're missing the point!" She yelled, her arm moving along with her words.

            "I don't think I am. We don't know how to fight." Josie gave PJ a shake of her head.

            "You guys probably fought girls in juvie." Hazel mentioned.

            "No, we were lying about that, obviously." PJ responded. She sounded frustrated to even have to say so. Estelle narrowed her eyes in confusion and tilted her head.

            "About juvie?" Hazel asked. Her voice went softer. "Why would you lie to me?"

            PJ recalled the conversation of yesterday. "You were the one who said we went to juvie. I just didn't correct you," She turned her attention back to Josie. Estelle heard Hazel sigh and saw her look down at her hands in between her legs. "Listen, self defence is instinctual common sense. You try to punch me in the face, I stop it from happening," Her body moved along with what she said, letting Josie envision the situations she was describing. "Whatever. I don't care. It's easy. Look, this is how we do this."

            "Okay, we start with Taekwondo. Which I've got covered," Hazel offered. Estelle remembered something about Hazel speaking about Taekwondo. She had honestly forgotten about it, because she didn't speak about it often. "And then you guys can move on the air punches—"

            "Hub-bub-bub-bub," PJ silenced her. Josie ignored what Hazel had said and returned her attention to Josie. "Who do we know? Who do we know?"

            "I'll bring Stella-Rebecca."

            Stella-Rebecca was one of the most popular girls in their grade. She was a head cheerleader. Anyone in their ranking should consider themselves lucky to even be near her.

            Josie and PJ screamed in unison. "You know Stella-Rebecca? Stella-Rebecca who models at car conventions in Chicago on the weekends?"

            "Yeah, we're family friends." Hazel shrugged.

           "Okay, great! Well, then bring her." PJ heard Josie sigh deeply. "Josie."

            "What?"

            "We're doing this."

            "No." Josie whined, letting herself fall back on the bench.

            PJ walked closer to her. "Yeah. Listen to me. We teach a bunch of girls how to defend themselves against the evil Huntington killers. They are grateful to us. We build a community, we  bond, we share, we connect. We're punching each other, adrenaline is flowing. Next thing you know, Isabel and Brittany are kissing us on the mouths. Josie, Isabel knew your name."

            Estelle raised her eyebrows momentarily. PJ caught the facial change and decided to comment on it. "Is there something you wanted to say, Estelle?"

            She sighed. "I just think that shouldn't be your reason. If I know Isabel and Brittany just a little bit, which I do, by the way, they're not going to be happy when they find out. Because they will find out." Estelle reasoned. "My mom told me every lie comes out eventually."

            "And that's why you're a virgin." PJ shrugged. A notification went off from Estelle's phone and the next thing they saw was her taking out a bottle of pills. "Ugh, are those your drugs?"

            Estelle looked up. She did an attempt to hide the bottle, she guessed the rattling of the pills inside couldn't be hidden. A sort of sadness washed over her. PJ's words were like a knife to her heart, a reminder that she was perceived like a junkie even though she'd never taken any drugs.

            She returned her gaze to the ground. "They're antidepressants." Estelle replied, her voice low. Hazel's eyes grazed into her like bullets straight out of a pistol. She realised she barely knew what happened to the redhead outside of school.

            "Okay," Josie turned the topic away Estelle and back to the original topic. "If we do this— very big 'if', we just run the risk of becoming even bigger losers than we already are right now. And I hate to break it to you, but we're pretty big losers."

            "And that is the beauty," PJ agreed with her best friend. "That is the beauty of this. Because we are literally at the bottom. We're the lowest of the low. We have nowhere to go but up."

"Listen, I think this is a good idea, okay?" Hazel shared. "There's a serious lack of female solidarity at this school."

PJ stared at her. She shook her head disappointedly. "Not the point, Hazel. Not the point."

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

            Estelle ended her first schoolweek in the library. She was about to head home, however she wasn't too fond of that idea. She was almost wrapping up her homework when two rugby players came in. They were two of Jeff's friends. Estelle had seen them at home often, though she wasn't sure if they recognised her.

            They sat down at a table not too far away from Estelle. One boy had blond hair, broad shoulders and many freckles on his face. On first glance, he looked kind. But then, when you looked into his eyes, he didn't really look as kind anymore. The second, a black guy, had a buzzcut. From his right ear dangled an earring.

            Her last assignment was almost done, Estelle had her headphones on, weekend was starting, she felt good. "Hey, you. You, Ginger," The black rugby player threw in her direction. Estelle didn't hear them due to her music. He threw a wad at her, which made her turn around. "You're Jeff's sister, right?"

            Before she could respond, the blond one replied instead. "Nah, man, that's that drug dealer," He said. "Where's my stash, bitch?"

            "Yo, Jeff's got a dealer sister? That's some wacky shit, man." The first one responded to what he heard.

             Estelle sighed. She heard these things more times than she could count. "I told you, I quit." She put her headphones back on.

            He neared her, pulling the headphones off of her head harshly. They fell to the ground, Estelle could swear she heard something break right then and there. Though she wasn't sure it was the headphone or her heart.

            "Where's my money?" The blond rugby player asked her impatiently. He crouched down in front of Estelle, right next to her headphones. His arm was on Estelle's chair, which made her feel uncomfortable because of the proximity.

            "You never gave me any, I'm sorry." Estelle tried to scurry away from his space. Her attempt was unsuccessful, his hand holding the chair back.

            The rugby player tutted. He shook his head slightly. "I guess we have to do this the hard way. Thomas." He signalled for his friend —Thomas— to clear the table of Estelle's homework. He wiped the table with his hands, letting all the books clatter to the ground. The other one —still nameless— picked Estelle up and laid her on the table.

            She felt her breath becoming louder and louder as she squirmed under his grip. He pointed at her face, Thomas understood the order, holding his hands over her mouth, so she couldn't make a sound.

            "I don't know about this, man, it's wrong." Thomas told his companion, who didn't listen. Estelle's muffled screams were ignored and overpowered by Blondie telling her to shut up.

            He lifted her shirt and took out a permanent marker, writing the words "Slut!" on her torso. Thomas pulled her up from the table, but his hand remained on top of her mouth. The blond inched closer to Estelle's face, breathing into it. "Get me my money back, because this isn't going to be all next time,"

He took one step back. His voice suddenly became all soft. "You're actually really pretty, you know," The blond ran his hand over Estelle's cheek, despite her struggling against it. "It's a shame you're such a bitch."

With one simple look Thomas understood he had to let go of the girl in his grip. He picked up her books and placed them on one stack on the table. The two left as suddenly as they'd come, this time stomping their feet put of the library.

            Estelle stared ahead, not knowing what to look at. On the other side of the room, a couple sat. They turned their heads the second they saw the redhead looking at them. They saw, She thought. They saw and said nothing.

            She let herself fall on her chair, still staring at nothing. Estelle placed her arms in a crossed position and laid them on the table in front of her, leaning her head on top of them. She felt disgusted. Disgusted by the rugby players, by the bystanders and essentially, by her herself. There was no way that was all she could've done. Estelle was sure she didn't owe the man any money, but if this was him holding back, she didn't want to wait to find out what he'd do if he wouldn't get it from someone soon.

            Estelle's gaze switched to the table in front of her as she buried the bottom half of her face in her arms. Tears slowly welled up in her eyes as she laid there for God knows how long. Estelle wouldn't know, she zoned out. That was until the lights went out and the library lady came in to tell her they were closing up.

            At least she could lock herself up in the familiar and comfortable room she called her own. What Estelle didn't expect to find there, was her entire room trashed. And she sure as hell didn't expect that to be the moment she'd have her first panic attack in months.

Author's Note
the timeline in this part of the movie is strange my lads.. the fair is the first time they see each other after summer right and the day after is school ( monday?? ) but then the first "fight club" is on a monday ( which is a different day bc theyre all wearing different outfits ) but like if thats a monday and thats a monday what happened yk

idk im overthinking this. anyway have this, i love hurting pookies. it seems really dramatic rn but trust its going to make sense

the delivery in this movie is actually genius it cracks me up