2/23/19
It's fake.

This:

!!!!!

Is Fake.

I don't like being fake. Well okay my whole life is a fake one I've created, but this, this I don't need to fake.

I find it feels wrong to write:

See you soon!!!

When I'm feeling and meaning:

See you sometime (I hope.)

I don't want to text someone:

You look cute!!!!

When I think:

You look okay.

It feels like I'm faking a emotion, like I'm telling someone I'm happy and preppy, when I'm crying behind me phone.

It feels disingenuous.

Not Real.

Fake.

I'm Fake.

But I don't want what I leave behind in this world to be fake. I want that at the very least to be real. I don't want my friends and family think of texts and letters filled with cheery words followed by exclamation mark. I don't want the words I have written for myself, or for the world to be diluted, by a piece of punctuation that tells a different story than the one I meant.

So...

For the most part I don't use them.

I guess...

That sometimes they're real.
Sometimes that feeling, that an exclamation mark reveals is real.

Sometimes this is real:

Love you!

Sometimes it's not fake...

But most of the time it is.

I find it to be a reflex. A sign.

A sign to try to fit in. A sign of fear for being misunderstood. A sign of fear for being found out, a symbol to hide reality behind.

I'm not as happy as my author notes make me seem. I'm not as happy as some of my texts make me seem. I'm not that happy.

This: !!!

Is like a slap to the face. A reminder of the happiness you are supposed to show in your words.
Exclamation Marks are a symbol for hiding reality.

I try not to hide mine.

I'll at the very least let you see the reality I try to pretend is my own.

I'll try not hide.