10/4/20

11:40 PM
My brother is in the hospital.
He probably has Covid-19.

I know I should be worried about him.
And I am.
But not nearly as much as I am about everything else.

I feel fine one minute,
then the next I realize how quickly
it could all come crashing down.

I'm going to get behind in school.
So behind.
I'm going to miss my favorite cla—

Wait, if my dad gets covid
he might die.
He can hardly take a cold.

But wait—stop it, Eliza.
You don't get to freak out, yet.
Jacob hasn't even gotten his test results back.

But what if he does have it?
Am I stuck in my house for two weeks?
Will I catch it?
Will I miss the get together?
Will I get to see Starr?
Will I get to see him?
We were going to go biking at sunrise,
but no—

stop it!

It's okay.
You'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
Your grades won't slide.
You won't miss everything.
It'll be fine.
I can go two weeks without seeing St—
Fuck. No I really can't. Not right now.

Because I need her now.
I need our bike rides.
I need my sunrises with him.
I need to do well in school.
I need to feel like ahead not behind.
I need to not be worried I'll die.
I need to not be worried my brother will die.
I need to not worry about my mom, or my dad.

stop it!

Fuck. How does anyone do this?

I want to leave.
I want to curl up and cry.
I want to go back to Wednesday when everything was okay.

I can't do this on top of it all.
I can't.

I was barely holding on before,
let alone with a hundred more worries
strapped onto my back
threatening to crush me.

I want out.
I want out.
I want out.
How do I get out?

I was okay—even good—during these past seven months.
I was living and creating and I was happy.

So how did one 104 degree fever send my life into a fucking spin?

Is this every worry I didn't feel then, now?
Or is this a thousand new ones?

STOP IT!

How do I get out?
I want out.
I want out.
I want out.

I can't do this.
I'm not made for this.

I'm made for boredom and eccentricity.
Not worrying inside my room.
I'm made for sore hands after drawing for days.
Not crying over worries.
I'm made for stupid dreams and schemes.
Not this. Not this. Not this.

I want out.
I want out.
I want out.

Take me away.
I want to leave.
I can't do this.
I'm not made for this.
Not this.

STOP IT!

i can't do this. not this.

i'm not made for this,
eliza