12/29/19

I hate them.

They're bossy things we all tell ourselves when we're drunk on hope.

And don't get me wrong, I like hope.

But New Years resolutions aren't when hope becomes so ungrounded it forgets that things change down here.

It feels ridiculous to make a goal for myself to follow a whole year, when I can't even say for certain who I'll be tomorrow.

It's impossible to know who'll you be later, so every resolution would just be a projection of who you wanted to be.
Not who you are. Or who you will be.

It only will hurt, when a year later you look back and ask yourself why you didn't become that. It makes you ask 'Why you aren't good enough?', when maybe your better than what you wanted a year ago.

It makes me feel contained.
Limited to one trajectory.
When maybe I want to
suddenly change paths
and go somewhere
unexpected and unexplainable.

It feels like putting myself in a box, when I know that when I put the lid on, it will be dark, and I'm scared of the dark.

It's like sealing yourself off from possibilities.

And isn't the New Year all about new possibilities?

So why do I get asked so much about my resolutions, and when I say I don't have any, I get strange looks?

Maybe my resolution will be to give myself freedom from permanent goals?

I have goals, but I like that they can change whenever I want them to.

You can't change a resolution, they stay in the past, unchanging.

Life is full of so many twists and turns.
So many retries and redos.
So many ups and downs.
Plenty of new yous.

So why plan to be one? Maybe you could try a few.

I know, some people will say, 'resolutions don't have to be that big,' and to that I say, they don't have to be to limit you.

Two years ago I made my last New Years resolution.

I told myself I would write at least 3 times a week, and make at least 52 new good pieces that year.

Two years ago, I neglected to realize that if I made 52 new pieces, one every week, they would never all be good.

Because they would never all be me.

Because I don't have something new and good to give to the world in 200 words or more every week.

I don't even give myself 200 or more good or new words every week.

So when it was the 31st of December, 2018, I looked at my 12 new works, and hated myself.

Which is stupid. Because I was young, and for me, those pieces were my absolute best work yet. But after January 1st, I couldn't even make myself read them.

That year, I didn't make any resolutions out of self hatred.

But I soon realized I gave myself freedom.

And I won't every go back.

The expectations, the goals, the resolutions . . .
they can leave.

I don't need them.
I have myself, and as many damn possibilities as life can give me.