12/19/18

I have trouble with love.

It's not a love story, it's not any unrequited love.

Its my... I don't even know really what it is.

I feel a lot, a lot more than regular people do, though how would I know?

And I feel more intensely.

I also have trouble trusting people.

I suck at understanding myself sometimes. And I struggle with the idea of my love being given freely.

So I have trouble trusting people, I feel too strongly.

I've only ever loved 3 people I think. Well love in the way you love your boyfriend/girlfriend.

I've loved three people out of all my years on this planet.

I don't get crushes, and I don't understand them. I don't understand how a girl can know a guy for a few minutes or a few days and decide they like them. I don't get that.

As I said I don't trust easily.

I had a few friends once, it was a huge mess, and they ruined my faith I used to have in people. I can't trust people anymore. I can't make friends anymore.

I have this check list that I kinda rely on. This is way to stupid I know, I shouldn't have to do this. But I can't get it out of my fucking head that the next person I let myself trust and get close too, is the one who will stab me in the back. So I rely on my list.

I kinda have to know you for over a year.

I have to have known you well for around 9 months.

I have to make sure I actually enjoy spending time with this person. That I'm not faking it for myself.

They have to be nice, at the very least.

And that's kinda it. Well I also want to know a lot about them. Like what they're family is like, what they're into, that kinda stuff. I need to know them, I don't even really call people friends until after they've past the list.

Friends can hurt you more than anybody else. Friends are the family you choose, that, for me at least, means I trust them more than family. And it hurts when the people you trust and love, stab you in the back.

So I'm careful, I won't even let myself use the title until I know them, and I know that they won't hurt me.

Imagine that but with love. Like I've said there is really no middle ground for me. I don't have crushes, I don't just 'like' someone, you're either my friend or you're a human I've grown to love. And that line seems to be really faint for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in love with one of my friends. Because I only develop those kinda feelings after I know someone really really well. And I know them the most, and they know me.

So there are three people in which I think I'm in love with, or have been in love with.

Three people, that I trust, I've grown to know well, and I grow to love. My heart doesn't seem to care about any other details.

Maybe that's why I get frustrated when my friends start talking about their crushes, or that cute boy/girl, or there new girl/boyfriend that they've known for a month. Because I can't understand it. And I can't understand how they can already feel that way. I can't look around the room and tell you who I think is cute, I don't know them.

I care about my friends too much, and I'm scared that they will get stabbed in the back by this person they've only known for a month that they're dating.

I've only ever gone from what I consider to be a stranger to a friend in 5 months twice in my life, (I made a life long friend in two days but I was five.) All my other friends I've ever had, they had to win my trust. Those girls seem to be my soul sisters. They got to me quicker that the others, and I can't see them leaving.

God.

G•O•D

It even sounds intimidating.

I'm not sure he's really there. I can't see that reality that many see.

I don't think I believe in God.

The whole God thing has never really made since to me, it doesn't add up.

My brain runs on pure logic, and the logic that so many people see in god seems to have evaded me.

I think we've just decided thousands of years ago that this world must have been made at some point. And we as humans, only really understand humans, so we created God. The solution to all the questions that have no answers.

God: circa. The 6th Century.

Afterlife is more complicated for me. Because we truly can't answer that question. Unlike God, who just doesn't add up, the Afterlife is simply a scientific experiment that we'll never be able to to test.

I don't believe in heaven and hell.
That all sounds like us, humans, not being able to comprehend that we'll just be nothing one day.

No thoughts, no feelings, just nonexistence.

But I do see that maybe it is a possibility that our lives are a circle. That we'll die one day. And then be born again, no memory of our past life. Not even the same soul. Just another life that is ours. The same consciousness.

Like I'll die. It just ends nothing at all, and then One day I restart. And it's not my same soul- I think- it's just another life. Just a recycled and recreation of a life.

Like our lives are on a wheel. And it just keeps spinning.

I do think that there might be something out there. Some force of fates and destiny. It's only that though, a figment, a force. Not a human, not a superhuman, not a conscious.

I call it the Universe. It's the easiest way. The Universe did create everything in existence. The stars, the planets, the carbon that makes up all life. So why could this force not map out a Fate and Destiny, a timeline of our lives that is just a piece the timeline of humans.

So is it time to talk about fate yet?

I believe in fate. I also believe in destiny.

I don't see them as the same thing.

To me Fate is something you have control over, and don't at the same time.

Our fate is the road right in front of us. I believe that fate has picked it out for us, even picked out the different paths we'll take.

But our fate is ours, we pick our which road we take. Our fate has been decided for us. But it's not all set in stone. It's still ours to claim or to abandon. But the universe has set up all your paths. Fate is just what lies at the end of each one.

I've picked a only two roads so far. Only ever had two life changing-fate changing moments.

For me destiny is the whole road, and yet the exact path we picked. While our fate is our different paths and ways that our life could have been. Destiny is the one we choose Destiny is what lies at the end of one of our fates.

Destiny is our end game. Fate is the different turns and jumps we take on our roads to get there.

My fate has lead me here. To the very words I'm writing now. Destiny is where I'll be when I take my very last breath. My Destiny will be what I have done, the ending.

My fate has picked out my love. My Destiny is being written by the Universe.

Love, Fate, and The Universe.