5/10/19

So I have this thing where I need something to look forward to, or else I get into a place where I think:

'what's the point of doing this only to keep having to do this. What's the point of going forward.'

And I genuinely think that that's unhealthy for me to think.

But sometimes it happens.
When I've got no light at the end of the tunnel to reassure me it's worth the run.

So to say the least, my ability to function and be happy rests on me having something to look forward too.

A sleepover.
A trip.
A event.
A hangout with my friends.
And sometimes the weekend is enough to look forward to.

I just, I just need a reason for myself that I should continue being unhappy now, because happiness is at the end.

I think I may be depressed guys....

Okay well my point is that things (uhhh school) make me unhappy, routines that have no change or variation or time to do something new, just leave me flat out empty.

But I can motivate myself to not think about the unhappiness, the work, the draining feeling of it all, if I have that light at the end did the tunnel.

If I don't have one. I feel useless. Empty. Purposeless.

I start thinking 'Why do I care so much when it doesn't make me happy.' Then grades slip, I don't see my friends as much and life sucks a lot.

So I'm always looking to set up a light at the end of every tunnel I have to walk through.

And here's another thing, it doesn't even have to make me happy, it simply needs to be new.

And I need something to look forward to at least once a month. A school dance in the 30th, Alexis's Birthday on the 12th, heck a dentist appointment at the end of the week.

Currently I've been holding on for the blazing light that is summer break. I've been able to see it for a few weeks now, and I just can't wait to get there.

I can't wait to sleep in tell 10, instead of waking up at 5:30. I can't wait to have time to paint the painting I've been wanting to make for the last 3 weeks. I can't wait to be able to see my friends more often. I can't wait to be able to read and write without interruption.

I'm looking forward to my 3 month break from the tunnels, because the break is only the light.

And yes, I love learning, but I find it easier to learn when I'm not stuck in the darkness of a cave unable to read a stupid textbook.

I want to try new things in this period of pure brightness, where new can happen everyday.

I want to finally do archery, I want to finally paint more, learn a language, write more, swim more, hell I just want to live a bit more.

And I'm so freaking excited.

I've been looking forward to this since the beginning of the 4th quarter of school, and well I'm looking forward to to not having to look forward, but look around me.

Because I want to be there, not just see there.