1/31/21 - 12:32 PM
You might want to read "fly or fall?" before reading this.

• • •

It's never been this bad before,
so what's changed?

Me?
My level of stress?
The amount of work?
The world as a whole?
All of the above?

I've experienced this feeling of buzzing, weighted, emptiness, and lies before.
But never like this.

Am I just lazy? Or is it actually harder and more tiring this time around?

Do I just have more going on that's stressing me out?

Am I just weaker than I thought?

Or has this feeling just been sleeping closer to the surface this year? Easier to wake.

I described something like this last year, around this time.

Is there just something about
the end and beginning
of the year that
causes this?

Or is it really, just truly worse this time around? Or am I just being dramatic?

Is this real or completely manufactured?

Is this the next level? Or the regression?

Is this part of the process? Or did I deviate?

Why does it all feel so wrong?

And why can't I spin this to make it hopeful?
Is it hopeless?

Everything plays on repeat lately.
The same circulation of memories
that till up the guilt.
Oh, look!
A new addition to the cycle.

There's a constant beating of drums.
Tapping out so many messages,
reminding me of all the work,
all of my commitments,
all that I can't do,
due to all this
thrumming.

I know it's at least a degree worse,
or it finally wore all the way down.

Because I broke down.

I know that happened.
I have proof, a poem, a recording.
I have a witness.

Why is there a guidebook?
Why wasn't this taught in school?

I want the How-To video
on what the hell you're
meant to do when
the wall crashes down
and reveals what all
the writing on the wall
was hinting at.

Because now I have all this new,
yet old, to sort through.
Some of of its labeled, most of it's chaos.
And what's spelled out reads as gibberish.

I have the giant room now,
all this shit to sort through,
and now that the wall is open,
the rest of me is exposed.

There's a chink in my armor,
a weak link,
a crux.

And now things can rush in,
it used to just be a slow dripping,
now the water is up to my chin.

My skin is getting wrinkled,
the water's long gone cold,
and most just think I'm swimming,
And I'm not sure I want them to see the truth.

My body gave up on shivering,
just let it sink into my skin.

I can't seem to get air into my lungs,
they're contracting in on nothing.

My heart is straining to make up for the cold,
blood is harder to pump when it's frozen.

And my head?
It's pretending to shutdown.
"Oh sorry, my connection is breaking up,
I can't make out what you're saying."
You liar.
You can hear me just fine,
you just don't want to do your job,
you don't want to find the way out of here,
you're just going silent,
only to throw a party behind the curtain.

You'd think at night,
when it gets colder,
that the water would too.

You'd think.
It boils.

The simmering starts,
and suddenly the shivers under skin
start to bubble up, then pop!

My lungs breath in and out again, and again, faster each time, trying to make up for
the time without air.

My blood thaws,
ye my heart doesn't seem to get the memo,
now the blood is coursing through so so fast.

And my head,
well,
it continues to fuck off.

The water is boiling around me,
and instead of figuring out how to escape,
or maybe catching up on sleep to help with the exhaustion of working overtime,
it just clears out anything useful.

Let's the rest set in,
claims it's innocent.
fucking liar.

I just want a little bit of stasis.
No freezing,
no boiling,
just still.

I don't even care about being submerged,
just give me some stillness.

Can I phone a friend?

Can someone throw me a life jacket?
my limbs are starting to burn from
treading water for so long.

I want out.
This isn't swimming.
This isn't fun.

Why is this happening?
Eliza