It's a mind numbing ache that I feel
Rising up to my chest, conquering my heart
Of something incomplete that I had cherished
Even if not, I see myself dreaming of being in pain.

I do not have the scars of betrayal in this life
The wounds I feel are far older
I want to meet the old, ancient love
But whenever I find peace in its dreams
I see my world crumble.

There's disharmony in the house
There's a dead end, a feeling as if I am not living
I feel like a prisoner of fate
When I dream about dreams untold, unknown.

It's a shame often
How I yearn for something so pure
Impure too, maybe
The line of lust and love blurred
As I stood on the shore of a promise.

Oppression I feel,
Suppressed in desire
Not reaching, just dreaming
Even that seems audacious.

Ashamed I am
To confess the guilts
How far have I been walking, all alone?
No one would listen to me.

I see myself as a different man
In some other world
Just a fascination, or a deadly reminder
That a villain I was to some.

I know not what has made me a woman
Who can feel so deeply, touch the ethereal
Maybe that's the joy of womanhood
Maybe that's the celebration of the Cosmos.

But why am I, a part of this celebration?
I myself am unaware of many secrets.
Mysteries keep me thriving
But I don't understand the need of Chaos
Chaos so ugly,
Does it remind me
Of my own bad temper?

My urge to hit
My urge to shout
My urge to conquer
My urge to defeat
My lack of patience
My lack of trust
And a whole blurry world of mistrust
Still, I look above
At the sky, dreaming
If only I had known the taste of redemption
Without the pain that I suffer from.

If forgiveness is so hard to receive
If dreaming such a big sin
Why had humanity been gifted hope?
Why had God made lives possible,
If He Himself, lost hopes in it?
If He Himself, stops me from getting answers,
If He Himself, makes me feel
That to love freely, is a sin?

Are we repeating a cycle?
But how to break through it?
What does it require: an end?
But what can the powerless do
To break the orb of divine might
He has bestowed upon the bad and evil such pleasures and protection
That I feel He must be usurped from His throne.

Is this what is repeating?
How to trust then?

Is it bad to yearn for love and peace?
To be selfish and selfless?
Is it bad to be dualistic?

****

I

haven't written this now, but some time back, maybe a month or even earlier. But I am glad, the emotions which caused the haze back then are getting cleared. A major setback of my life is on the way to be ended and in its place should remain the bliss of a peaceful victory. It had been an internal battle. Once won, I would see if the others fall in place too.