An: not only this chapter but also the entire story may be triggering so read with caution. The book is centred around characters with mental illnesses and death may be mentioned quite a lot.
If you have decided to carry on I'm taking it that you can handle this and I hope that I don't trigger anyone ♥ Thank you.

* I was biking to the bridge. I hadn't used my old bike since school ended earlier in the month, I don't know why I decided to now. I don't know why or how I got to the bridge either.

As I clutched the cold metal with my hand I felt like I had been here before, with the same wind whipping my hair about and blocking my vision.

As rain began to pelt against my heated skin I pulled myself onto the middle part of the bridge. Cars whizzed past below my feet, headlights flew by like distant fairy lights. It was pretty from up here. Would it be as pretty as I plummet to my death? My blood smothering the concrete like a bad paint job. Red everywhere like I was in London, the place my dad wanted me to be as the jobs were better and the university was the best of its kind.

I heard the sound of metal as my bike skidded across the ground. I flicked my head up and there stood my family. Dressed in winter coats:
My mum who always tries her best, my dad who works too much and my sister who had the mental capacity of Sheldon from the big bang theory but was also extremely caring.

"What are you doing up there?" My mother asked me, she didn't look worried. It was like she was oblivious to my suffering.
"I'm going to jump," I said, the wind trying to sweep away my words.
"What about that application? You won't get into a good college without it". My dad gave me a hard, cold look. It oozed with disappointment, I was always disappointing him. Some days I'd wander if it would be easier if I wasn't even here, I was having one of them days today.
"I didn't think about that," I said as I edged further away from them, they only seemed closer. I couldn't escape.
"Now, son. Don't you think that's a bit selfish? Not only do we not have a son going to college but we have to play for funeral costs. I don't think I can get time off work for this." He shook his head at me, my sister was strangely quiet.
I heard a loud horn blow and waggon head lights blinded me, scorching my retina. I stumbled backwards as the sensation of falling grabbed me *

That's when I woke up, that's how I'm woken up every morning. Falling and then waking up. A reoccurring dream that I have become accustomed to. It was as normal as moving clocks an hour forward or back during the year.
I breathed out shakily and checked the time, it was time to get up anyway. Time to start yet another day of my dad pestering me about my summer school application.

I stumbled downstairs whilst rubbing my eyes and yawning. I was still in pyjamas but I doubted anyone except my little sister would notice.
"Dan, why are you in pj's still? Can I do that?" Adrianna asked me as soon as she saw me walk down the stairs, I chuckled.
"Even I can't do that, Anna," she pouted at me but didn't argue. I made my way barefoot into the kitchen and saw my family at the dinning table.
"How's that application going?" My dad questioned me as I poured cereal into a bowl, I sighed at him.
"Leave it, honey. Let Dan have breakfast before you integrate him," my mum told him sternly and winked at me. I smiled back, she knew I was having a hard time with it.
"All I'm saying is it needs to be in soon," he muttered in reply as he cut through his full English breakfast.
"I'll get it done dad," I groaned as I walked back to the table.
"You bette-" he was interrupted by a phone call and left the table. I hate how much my dad works but sometimes I have to thank his clients for contacting him at convenient moments.
On my second mouthful of cornflakes my own phone went off:

Chris: Danny boy! You out today?
Dan: sure. time?
Chris: at Louise's about 1

Louise. She's my crush, I don't know what it is about her. Maybe her bubbly personality or her gorgeous blonde hair. Only problem is, she's taken. By one of my best friends whos absolutely in love with her, he wants to get married to her when they're older and are getting an income that isn't from his parents. You don't know how hard it is to see your best friend being cuddly and kissy with your crush, but I also feel happy for him because he got the girl.

Dan: cool cool. I'll be there
Chris: good! Just don't make googly eyes at Louise please
Dan: pfft. As if I would.

~~

"Hey, Louise!" I greeted her and she pulled me into a warm hug and held me for a second before I forced myself away.
"Hey, Dan," she greeted me warmly but was quickly swept away by Matt. They shared a kiss and I felt a little broken inside. Chris patted me on the back as he walked past and I followed him up the stairs.

Upstairs we all sat around and talked about random shit I didn't particular care about. Like poppy bands and school achievements, Matt was leading the conversation whilst Chris was cracking jokes. I just kept eyeing up the video games to my side, itching to play them.
Sometimes I felt like I didn't fit into this group, it was different when it was just me and Chris.
"How did the app go?"
"Huh?" I questioned, flicking my head in Louise's direction.
"Your application?" She repeated.
"I... um.. haven't started it." I blushed as all eyes turned to me.
"What? Do you not want to get into a good college?" Matt questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"When did you become my dad?" I muttered.
"He'll get it done when he's ready," Louise interjected and sent me a smile.
"I better head off. Start the app and that ya know."
They nodded and I gathered my things to leave.
"See ya, Dan," Louise called after me.
"Later, bud," Matt said. Chris followed me out.
"You really gonna start your application? " He questioned me and arched an eyebrow to show he wasn't taking any shit.
"I'm going to look at it," I replied and he just smiled at me.
"Good luck," he gave me a flimsy salute as I walked down the gravel drive way.

~
At home, I procrastinated by playing Minecraft for the first time. Do you understand how scary zombies are in that game? Is this really meant for those over 7?
"Time for bed, Dan," my mum called up, I glanced at the clock and it was well past midnight.
"Crap," I mumbled and then yelled to my mum, "alright. Goodnight"

Before I went to bed I glanced at the 3 blank pages of lined paper with the logo of the school perched nearly at the top of the page. I would never get into this school, who was I kidding?