Seonghwa has been considering talking to his friends about San subtly the past week or so. Ever since San and he have begun being more vulnerable and emotional towards each other, it's all he's been able to think about. San just can't seem to leave Seonghwa's mind. He's never felt this way for a man, or anyone, for that matter, before.

His last relationship didn't end so well and his old friends weren't very supportive of him during or even after it. Seonghwa was so broken afterward that his friends just stopped hanging around him. Seonghwa has been apprehensive about getting into another relationship ever since then, even though he got new friends.

He's thankful to have his new group of friends, but he can't help but be fearful that they will inevitably leave as his past friends did. These intrusive thoughts he's having are tearing his mind apart. What if they don't accept him? His last friends didn't accept his last relationship and that was with a girl, what are his new friends going to think about him wanting to be with a boy? Yunho knows San... Seonghwa wonders if Yunho knows about San liking boys.

Seonghwa feels so conflicted with his emotions... He wants to be with San, but he's so afraid. He doesn't want to lose his only friends...

Seonghwa is even afraid to talk about all of this with San. He wants to confide in him, but something is holding him back. One moment he's in the dream with San and they're holding each other and talking about their life and past, but the next he's back in real life and he still can barely believe it's all real.

Maybe it's not, Seonghwa sometimes thinks...

San will be coming home back to Korea soon, so Seonghwa knows he will have to make a decision soon. What is he going to do?

Meanwhile, San has been excitedly talking to his friends in America about Seonghwa. San goes on and on about how wonderful and handsome Seonghwa is to them, wanting to convey all of his feelings for him to them. San has been trying to write down his feelings and has even tried drawing to let out his emotions he feels for Seonghwa, but nothing seems just right yet. San wants to figure out the perfect way to explain how he feels to Seonghwa.

San hopes that once he goes back to Korea and finally confesses his feelings to Seonghwa in person, he will finally feel full. San can't wait to be able to physically hold him. To be able to actually kiss him and feel the warmth of his skin. San draws a few pictures of interpretations of them in his journal along with all of his notes and drawings of Seonghwa.

"I'm coming back to Korea in time for Christmas," San says while he's slowly stroking Seonghwa's arm with his gloved hand.

Seonghwa has been seeming nervous the past few nights, standoffish even, San thinks to himself. San wonders what's bothering him so much, but wants to try and make things happy.

"Really? That's great, San. I bet you're excited to be able to see your grandparents again," Seonghwa replies, not mentioning the fact that they'll be able to finally meet.

San looks down at himself rubbing Seonghwa's arm and sits up to try and look him in the eyes, "Of course I am, but I'm most excited to finally meet you," San gives him a warm and gentle smile.

San hopes that Seonghwa knows he can talk to him about anything. He's getting worried.

Seonghwa slowly nods, meeting San's eye contact for just a moment before looking away. Something is off and San knows it.

Seonghwa curses himself in his head for looking away from San, knowing it will hurt his feelings. Why is he going to do this? If this is the last night they will see each other, why not Seonghwa make it a wonderful night? Seonghwa gives himself a small nod before looking back at San, it hurting him immensely to look into his loving and caring eyes.

"I can't wait," Seonghwa smiles, wanting to let himself have a nice final night with him, "My friends and family are always busy on Christmas with their partners... Maybe we could meet on Christmas? We could spend it together," Seonghwa asks, it just coming out. He's not going to see him on Christmas. He's not going to see him ever he decided...

Why would Seonghwa suggest plans after being too afraid to tell his friends about San? Seonghwa can't believe himself. What he's doing is wrong. Why would he hurt San like this?

San lights up when Seonghwa mentions meeting each other on Christmas, "Yes! That's an amazing idea, Seonghwa!" San bounces a bit on the bed, giddy thinking about it, "Christmas is a couples holiday, so m-maybe we could do something like go get a nice dinner or go to Jeju Island."

San is hopeful, not letting Seonghwa's previous mood affect him too deeply at this moment. Maybe he had a bad day...? But it's been a few nights he's been like that. San tried not to let it worry him.

Seonghwa closes his eyes and nods, imagining their scenery as Jeju Island. He opens his eyes and there it is, "Just like this, right San?" Seonghwa looks around and then looks back to San who is amazed.

"Yes, just like this, Seonghwa... It's so beautiful, isn't it? I can't wait to go there with you," San's heart warms up as he leans back on the bed, his head on Seonghwa's clothes shoulder, "I can't wait to go to a lot of places with you. There are so many things we will be able to experience once we're together."

Seonghwa lays back with San and nods, forcing himself to not tear up, "Soon..." Seonghwa manages to get out, looking down at San's head, his hair is as fluffy as ever. He gently ruffles it with his gloved hand and kept help but smile, a tear falling down his cheek. He quickly washes it away with his other hand.

San is happy just resting there with Seonghwa as they look out at what Seonghwa conjured up. He finds joy in just being in his presence. There's something so calming about being with him.

San reaches down to hold onto Seonghwa's gloved hand with his own, squeezing it tightly, "You make me so happy, Hwa. You're all I can ever think about these days. I can't wait to finally come home to you. I've been looking forward to it these past few months and it's finally almost here..." San goes on, pouring out his thoughts to Seonghwa.

Seonghwa blushes as San calls him Hwa, his heart fluttering, "I-I've been looking forward to seeing you too, San," Seonghwa's voice cracks.

San looks up at Seonghwa, seeing his emotion-filled face. He gets up onto his knees towards Seonghwa and gently holds onto both sides of his face with his gloved hands, "What's wrong, Seonghwa...? You've been acting a bit different the past few nights. Is everything okay?"

Seonghwa is surprised by San's worry. San, why must you make it harder and harder? Seonghwa thinks, his mind running wild as San holds either side of his face.

"I don't know..." is all Seonghwa can manage to say because he really doesn't know. He doesn't know what he's doing, he doesn't know what to do. This plan he's come up with is the only thing he can think of.

San's eyes drop when he says that, it hurt him that he's unable to help him.

"Seonghwa, I just want to be here for you... You know that right? I'm always here for you."

Seonghwa's eyes begin to tear up again at San's words, "Wh-Why do you have to be so good, San...? What did I do to deserve someone like you?"

Seonghwa's face soon becomes wet with his tears, "You just... You deserve someone so much better. Someone who is not afraid. Someone who isn't afraid to express their feelings," Seonghwa begins to break down in San's arms.

San's eyes are wide as Seonghwa says all of this to him, it breaking his heart to hear him say these things, "No, no, no. Seonghwa, I don't deserve anyone else. I just want you, okay? I want you."

San tried to lower himself down so he can look into Seonghwa's eyes, but Seonghwa's head is buried so deeply into San's shoulder that he's unable to.

Seonghwa can't believe he's breaking down like this in front of San. He wanted to give him one amazing final night, but he instead has given him an emotional rollercoaster. What would San say if he knew he couldn't even tell his friends about them? That he was too ashamed? He curses at himself. He's ashamed that he's too ashamed to tell his close friends about the boy he loves. Seonghwa is so confused.

San realizes Seonghwa can't talk, so he just rubs his back, "It's okay, Seonghwa..." he softly whispers in his ear, "please don't worry, I'll be there soon."

Hearing this just makes Seonghwa cry more, knowing that he won't be seeing San soon.

Seonghwa finally wakes up from the dream world into the real world and his face wet. He looks up and doesn't see San and it makes his heart feels like it's breaking in half. Seonghwa sits up and curls into a ball.

What has Seonghwa done?

End of Chapter Five