Words: 1407

Description: Remus deals with his losses after Halloween, 1981. 

Story:

Remus sat in the dark. He was stuck in his head like he often was these days. Sirius's voice echoed around him and he closed his eyes tight to listen. 

"Remus! Love, I'm home. You wouldn't believe--I've just gotten back from James's...Remus, Harry...he's the fucking funniest little shit. Oh I love that little bean to absolute pieces. Watcha reading? That one again? Doesn't it ever get old?"

Remus could feel Sirius's arms around him, could feel his lips pressed to his temple. He could feel his breath rustling his hair. 

Sirius walked over to the record player and started up their favorite song and danced around, shaking his hips until Remus started to laugh. He held out his hand and Remus took it and they danced around the living room...

Remus opened his eyes. And it was dark. Their favorite song wasn't playing. Remus didn't think he'd ever play it again. He couldn't.

There was no Sirius. And there was no James or Lily or Harry, the fucking funniest little shit Sirius ever saw. There was no one. Remus was all alone. 

Remus throat ached like he'd swallowed barbed wire and the tears started to fall and he hugged his knees to his chest and he sobbed. 

It was only the first week of November and everything was still so fresh. Remus often woke up like he would every morning and walk down to the kitchen smelling pancakes and expected to see Sirius standing at the stove in his pajamas with his messy hair up in a bun...Only to be crushed with the harsh reality of dirty dishes stacked in the sink and an empty kitchen. An empty house. 

Sirius's birthday had passed and Dumbledore came to check up on him and he'd just barely managed to keep it together. Dumbledore asked him how he was doing and he said he was fine. Remus asked about Harry and Dumbledore told him he was fine. Staying with the fucking Dursley's. 

Remus had half a mind to demand guardianship himself, only he knew that he was in no state to raise his best friend's child, let alone trying to afford everything on his own. And what would he do on full moons?

Remus broke down that day after Dumbledore left. He'd been having trouble moving for days. He couldn't get out of bed in the mornings and would find himself staring at the ceiling for hours. He would skip meals without meaning to and just found himself living in a depressed daze. 

After all, he'd lost everything that ever mattered to him in one night, all at once.

Remus realized after awhile of crying that he'd been sitting on the floor for quite awhile and he got to his feet, swaying a bit. He used the furniture to hobble into the kitchen and prepared himself a cup of tea and sat on the counter to drink it. 

He let the tea go cold, too distracted at watching the way it swirled in his cup. After way too long of sitting on the counter staring at his long cold tea, he had a revelation. 

"Why didn't I think of this before?" He said to himself, surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded. 

He grabbed Sirius's jacket and was one foot out the door and ready to apparate when he realized he'd been about to go to Godric's Hollow. He'd wanted to talk to Lily because he knew she would know how to make him feel better. 

Emotion flooded him, raw, powerful emotion he wasn't used to feeling that often. 

He choked on the air rushing into his lungs and he covered his mouth as he backed into the empty, dark cottage and he fell to his knees and he screamed. 

The worst pain he'd ever felt in his entire fucking life was tearing through him and he screamed and screamed and screamed. 

He knew they were dead, he knew. But it hadn't hit him until that moment. 

"Why did you leave me?" He cried, hugging himself as the tears flowed out of him, taking every part of him with as they left. 

Hours later, he wasn't sure how long he'd been there, but he consciously noted that he'd been laying on the carpet for quite awhile, pulling at the shags of the carpet as his tears rolled off his cheeks as he whimpered pitifully. 

He felt numb after that. Sirius, James, Lily...they were too far away for him to reach. He could feel them, just at the tips of his fingers if he stretched his arm out as far as he could. But they were too far. 

And he was numb. Empty. There was nothing left of Remus Lupin. Not for a very long time. 

His life became a routine that he followed to the T. For years, he never cracked a smile, never felt a thing. He'd lost himself completely and maybe if he cared, maybe if he could feel something, anything, maybe then he'd find it in himself to feel sorry for the man he'd become. But he couldn't. He couldn't allow himself to feel anything at all. Couldn't bring himself to. 

Until one day, summer of 1993. Dumbledore showed up at his door was at a loss for words at the shambles of the man that stood before him. It was not the Remus Lupin the headmaster remembered from his days at Hogwarts. No, this was someone else entirely. 

But he smiled nonetheless and greeted the young man and let himself in for some tea. And over tea, they discussed the Daily Prophet and what the Azkaban escapee story meant for the wizarding world. Remus couldn't bring himself to react. 

"Will you fill the Defense Against the Dark Arts post at Hogwarts? Professor Lupin?"

Remus blinked. "M-me? You want me to teach? But sir, I'm a were--"

Dumbledore held up his hand. "I see no reason to discriminate, Mr. Lupin. You are the best person for the job."

Remus narrowed his eyes. He was smart enough to know that although Dumbledore did great things, he usually had ulterior motives. 

"Does this have anything to do with Sirius Black?"

The name sounded harsh on his tongue and he hated the way he said it. 

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "My, I forget just how sharp you are, Remus. I would be lying if I said that wasn't part of my reasoning."

"You don't trust me. You think I'm going to help him."

"Quite the contrary, actually. I trust you immensely, Mr. Lupin. And I believe you are just the perfect person for my staff. It is also my belief that Mr. Black will try to seek you out and perhaps target you as well."

Oddly enough, that thought had never occurred to Remus. Not even once. He couldn't fathom the idea of Sirius wanting to kill him. 

"Why would he want to target me?" He asked, his throat closing up just a little as he said the words. 

"Why, he plans to kill Harry Potter! So of course he would go to you as well, the last surviving Marauder besides himself. And I need you at the school. To protect Harry Potter. If anyone can do it, I believe you can."

God, Remus hadn't thought about Harry in years. It was too painful. 

"How old is he?" Remus asked, voice definitely choked. 

Dumbledore checked his wrist, though he didn't have a watch. "The lad just turned thirteen today, coincidentally."

Remus hadn't known it was July 31st. Frankly, he hadn't known it was July. 

"I'll do it," Remus agreed. 

Dumbledore grinned and shook Remus's hand. "Ah, yes, as I knew you would. You're a good man, Remus Lupin. I will see at the school come September 1st."

"I'll see you sir," Remus said. 

Remus cried that night for the first time in many years. He stared down at the picture of his love in the Daily Prophet that Dumbledore had left behind, the crazed eyes of Sirius Black. Remus could scarcely believe it was him. He'd never seen Sirius like that in the many years he'd known him. 

It hit Remus quite suddenly that he'd spent more years alone than he had with Sirius and James and Peter and he clutched the newspaper tightly to his chest and prayed for Harry. 

Wiping his eyes, he looked at the picture again, at Sirius screaming, deranged, holding a sign with his prisoner number. 

"Why did you leave me?"

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