Words: 1937

Description: Remus's mum always used to give him butterfly kisses when he was little.

Story:

When Remus was little, really little, he was the most loved little boy. His parents adored him and they spoiled him as much as their pockets allowed.

What they couldn't give him in money's worth, they showered him with all the love they had.

He was a very loved little boy.

His mum would give him what she called 'butterfly kisses'. She'd chase him around their little cottage while he giggled and shrieked and his father watched from the small kitchen table where he would be drinking a scotch and reading the Daily Prophet.

She would catch him eventually, she always did. She would scoop him up in her arms and swing him around and around. When he got too dizzy to go on, he'd say, "Mumma, Mumma," and she'd hold him close and flutter her eyelashes against his cheek.

He'd cringe away from her, saying, "That tickles, Mumma."

She'd laugh and set him down, "It's butterfly kisses, Remus," she would call after him as he raced on his little legs to his father. She knew he wasn't listening to her any longer, but she said it anyway. Remus clambered up onto his father's knee and grabbed Lyall's face in his chubby little fists and leaned in close.

"Butterfly kisses, Dada," he said, fluttering his little lashes. Lyall chuckled and sat Remus down on his lap and went on to rip a square out of the newspaper and make Remus a origami crane the muggle way. He then charmed it to fly around and Remus hopped off his knee to chase it around.

Lyall stood, setting aside his scotch and the torn newspaper and walked to his wife, arm snaking around her waste and pulling her close. "I love you," he murmured, fluttering his eyelashes against her cheek just as Remus had done to him.

She lifted her chin and placed a delicate kiss on his lips. "I love you."

When Remus was older, still little but older, he forgot what butterfly kisses were. He certainly didn't feel very loved by his parents. They certainly didn't have much in their pockets to give him, and they stopped making up for it in their love.

Some days he wondered if they loved him at all. His father rarely talked to him, most often to discuss the weather like they were acquaintances that met at the grocery store to chat or to tell him it was time to go to the basement for the full moon.

His mother never looked him in the eye anymore. Every since he was bitten, he wasn't the same little boy to them anymore. He wanted to tell them that he was! He was the same! He was still Remus John Lupin, regardless of the werewolf infliction.

But they couldn't see it. So naturally, Remus lost sight of it as well.

By the time he was seven years old, his mum stopped going to his bedroom to wake him up from the nightmares. She stopped comforting him around the full moon, even when he needed her the most.

His parents had accepted the fact that he would never get an education and it was too dangerous for him to go to muggle school so his father took to homeschooling him. That was pretty much the only other time Lyall acknowledged his son. No one in the Lupin cottage had any hopes for Remus's future.

Until he was eleven years old. Until Dumbledore showed up on his doorstep on his birthday with a personal letter to Hogwarts.

When Remus arrived at Hogwarts on September 1st, 1971, he didn't know what to do with himself. He had been coached for months on what to do when he got to school. He couldn't make friends, because friends are a weakness and he can't be weak. He can't have friends because friends will find out his secret and he could not be found out. He had to get good grades. It was all he had going for himself. No one would hire a werewolf, but if he had good grades...maybe he had some hope after all.

He had to stay out of trouble. If he got in trouble, that was unwanted attention to himself. Attention meant people would find out.

He couldn't let people see his scars, because then they'd become suspicious and that was unwanted attention that would lead to his secret being found out.

All these thoughts were running through his head as he stood at the Kings Cross Station, gazing to where his father said the Platform was. Through the brick wall. His mother was crying. She never thought her son would have this sort of opportunity. She had trouble admitting it to herself, but she was sad to see him go.

Remus found himself wishing his mother would pull him in close and give him butterfly kisses like she used to. He wished his father would pat him on the back, give him a smile, anything to show that he was proud of him.

But his mother just stared at her feet and his father did no such thing. His mum couldn't cross the Platform, and his dad wasn't going to leave his mum, so he was left to start his Hogwarts adventure all on his own. He was used to it, though.

He searched the train for an empty compartment, keeping in mind the rules his father set for him. He settled on one and reached into his tattered trunk and grabbed a book and set to reading.

It wasn't too long before the compartment door opened and too boys stumbled in. They were giggling, looking behind themselves. Remus figured they'd been up to some sort of mischief.

"Hullo," one said cheerfully upon seeing Remus sitting there by the window. "Mind if we sit here? The other compartments are full." He had unruly black hair and glasses. The one next to him, with his long hair tied back in a tidy ponytail, looked cautiously excited.

Remus knew he should turn them away. He was ten minutes into the train ride at most and already he was being tested! He knew the answer. He knew he was supposed to say, "No thank you," and go back to reading his book in peace.

But Remus had been so starved for affection that in the face of the question, he simply couldn't say no.

So he let them sit. They got to talking and they became quick friends, the first friends Remus ever had. They met another at the feast and the four of them became a group. Remus's entire first year was an inner battle. He wanted so badly to just make his thoughts shut up and enjoy himself, but he was torn between pushing his friends away and keeping them as close as he could.

He wasn't well versed on how to love. He didn't know how.

When the three boys found out Remus's secret in second year, he felt as though his whole world had dropped right out from under him.

When James, Sirius, and a reluctant Peter sat him down in their dorm to tell him that they knew, he was heartbroken. It was just one thing after the other with Remus. One tragedy after the other. He was only twelve years old! He shouldn't have to feel to the depth that he does at age twelve.

He was so ready for the lot of them to hate him, he really was. All of their friendship they forged the past year out the window. He was so, so ready for them to throw terrible insults and hateful things, maybe even throw their fists, he wouldn't have blamed them. He began to mentally prepare himself for the hate and being kicked out of school, the only chance he had at a normal life as he closed his eyes.

The tears slipped past his eyelids even though he told them not to. He couldn't stop them.

"Why are you crying?" Peter asked, confused.

James smacked his arm.

Remus couldn't stop crying. "B-b-because you all h-hate me n-now 'cause I'm a m-m-monster," he stuttered.

The boys exchanged a look and James and Sirius sat down on Remus's bed on either side of him while Peter sat on the bed across.

"Remus, you're not a monster," Sirius said, tentatively resting his arm around his shoulder. Remus tried to pull away from him, but James sandwiched him in from the other side.

"Remus, you fold your socks, excuse me if I'm not trembling at the sight of you," James joked.

Remus looked up for the first time, tears streaming from his eyes. "W-what?"

"We don't care if you're a werewolf, Remus," Sirius told him, wrapping him up in a full hug this time. "You're still our mate."

Remus didn't ever remember a time where he was more grateful for his friends. He didn't quite know what to do with the surge of emotion that was welling inside of him as he came to the realization that his friends accepted him. They were the first people to do so. Not even his parents accepted him.

Remus had a lot of self-esteem issues throughout his teenage years. He had poor examples of love in his life. His parents loved each other, and he thought they must love him deep down, but they very rarely showed it. He'd seen love, but he didn't really know what it felt like.

So when he developed romantic feelings for his best friend, he didn't understand what was happening to him. He felt that self-hate take hold inside of him and he pushed everyone away. He wasn't supposed to like boys. It was wrong, wasn't it?

One night, in a moment of drunken sadness, he admitted his feelings to Lily. He wasn't drunk, really, just so so sad. She'd found him on the balcony crying his eyes out. He'd seen Sirius with yet another girl. They were snogging aggressively in the common room and Remus had just happened to walk in. He'd run the other way before Sirius or the girl could see him and he'd been hiding out on the balcony since, contemplating the benefits of jumping.

It took another year after that before Remus worked up the courage and his 'I don't give a fuck' attitude to tell Sirius how he felt.

Sirius was shocked and he admitted that he felt the same way. He'd been dating every girl at Hogwarts because he was scared. He was trying to force himself to be straight, when really, he wasn't. It was the built in homophobia from his parents that he was working hard to get past.

The two started dating soon after and James, though oblivious about many things, noticed right away. He'd been paying special attention to 'wolfstar' for a long while.

The two would often be seen together cuddling or holding hands, touching in some way. They always had to be near each other. Remus didn't really know how to love, and Sirius didn't either. When things were tough, when their relationship didn't seem to be working, they would work it out. They were both trying their best to love each other.

And Remus's favorite thing (and secretly Sirius's favorite thing too) was when he leaned in close and fluttered his eyelashes against Sirius's cheek. Sirius would giggle and kiss him full on the lips while Remus would mutter lovingly, "Butterfly kisses."

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