Words: 2058

Description: After a nasty fight, Sirius begs for forgiveness.

Story:

Remus and Sirius were fighting again. Neither could remember who started what or what they were even angry about in the first place, but their fighting was nasty.

And then finally, Sirius said it. The one thing he could never take back. "I hate you! You're nothing but a monster!" He yelled. And he regretted it immediately. And he already had an apology on his lips but it caught in his throat when he quite literally saw Remus's heart breaking right in front of him.

"Get out," Remus said, his voice trembling terribly as he tried to hold back the tears. He couldn't cry in front of Sirius, not now.

Sirius had never hated anything more than he hated himself in that moment. He couldn't believe those words had ever come out of his mouth, no matter the consequence.

"Remus, I didn't mean it—"

"I said get out."

Sirius swallowed the bile that was rising in his throat and he accepted his fate. He went and packed a bag and he left.

As soon as the door was closed, Remus collapsed to his knees, wheezing. He had never hated anything more than he hated himself in that moment. He couldn't believe those words came out of Sirius's mouth. 

He hadn't expected Sirius of all people to say those things to him. Well--that was a lie, wasn't it? He sort of had. He expected from everyone. It was his greatest fear, those that he loved truly seeing him for the monster he really was and leaving him. And now he'd done it. Sirius was right. He really was a monster. He'd never been more sure of anything in his entire life. 

And now they were broken up, he supposed. Oh Merlin. They were broken up.

A sob broke threw his lips and he squeezed his eyes shut, tears leaking out the corners of his eyes as he pressed his hands into the carpet, trying to push through all the way to the very center of the earth.

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It had been a month since their fight. Remus wasn't doing well. All of the self-confidence and self-love that he'd worked so hard to build over all the years had been shattered in a single blow. 

He'd been foolish, he realized, handing his heart, his entire life, over to Sirius Black like he had. He'd trusted Sirius with it, trusted him with everything he had. And Sirius Black had taken it and stomped all over it. 

In the month since he'd told Sirius to get out, Remus hadn't been kind to himself. Lily had noted earlier in the week that he was getting too thin, that he ought to get a hair cut. She offered to cut his hair for him and prepare him a meal, but he declined her offers and shut her out. It was what he did best when he was upset. Keep people out, because they'll only end up hurting him in the end. And keep them away and safe from the monster he was on the inside.

After all, he'd hurt Sirius too, hadn't he? It was his own fault Sirius left him and he deserved the pain that followed.

He truly believed that.

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While Lily was busy worrying over Remus, James was doing the same for Sirius. Poor Sirius was torn straight down the middle, absolutely drowning in his misery. Practically every night, Sirius would find himself in the Potter's living room, crying his eyes out to James, telling the same old story in a different font.

"You just need to give him some time before he'll be ready to talk to you about it," James said.

"But I don't have time! You know how he is, he's beating himself up over what I said, I need to take it back!"

James shook his head. "I know Sirius. But Lily's been checking up on him. You said some terrible things and I know you didn't mean it, but Remus will always believe your word above everything else. You need to give him time to get back to some kind of normal. Then you can talk to him."

Sirius paled at James's words and realized he was right. Remus always had too much faith in Sirius than he ever deserved. He gave Sirius his heart and in doing so, gave him the power to heal it. But with that came the power to destroy it. Sirius never meant to destroy it, and now he didn't know what to do.

He told Remus he hated him, when really he loved him so much, so passionately that everything got a little mixed up in his brain in the heat of an argument. He called Remus a monster because he knew it would hurt. When really, Sirius never believed that at all. Remus wasn't a monster, at least not to him. He never could be, no matter what he did. 

It was an empty statement to Sirius. Of course Remus wasn't a monster. It was obvious to him. But to Remus, Sirius had just blown up his greatest flaw on a fucking billboard. It didn't matter if it was empty, it was big and obvious, and all Remus could think about.

Sirius just needed a way to tell Remus that he wasn't a monster. He really fucked up this time and he knew it. After all, how do you come back from something like that?

+++

It was raining. Remus looked out the window of their--his cottage. The flowers had been looking droopy (he kept forgetting to water them), so he was thankful for the rain. He couldn't help but think the rain was an extension of himself. He'd felt like a rainy day for awhile now. Depressed, mopey, sad. He couldn't get out of this funk and he didn't much care enough to try. 

Lily stopped by again that afternoon with a casserole held under her umbrella. She brought an eight month old Harry with her that day and they sat around the table drinking tea for a little while. Remus wanted to ask about Sirius. He wanted to ask if he was okay, but he couldn't bring himself to voice the question. 

Lily saw it in his eyes, though, so she told him anyway. She told him that Sirius was miserable. That he didn't mean what he said. Remus couldn't meet Lily's eyes after that. He couldn't tell if that was the answer he was looking for or not, but he felt sick after she'd answered and he didn't quite know why.

Lily and Harry left him alone soon after, like everyone did. And so he sat at the window, watching the rain racing tracks down the window. He got so focused that he started placing mental bets on which of the rain drops would win on the way down to the sill. 

His attention was drawn somewhere else for only a moment and he frowned when he couldn't find the same two raindrops again. He turned back to look out farther, trying to see what caught his eye. 

And then he saw it. A figure making his way down the front path. A very familiar figure at that. Remus could tell it was Sirius just by the way he walked with his hands in his pockets and his head down, the hood of his zip up pulled over his hair, his leather jacket bunched up at the shoulders where he had them up to his ears to keep out the cold. 

Remus's eyes watered dangerously as Sirius approached the cottage. Remus seriously considered ignoring the knocking at the door and going to bed. Leave Sirius out in the rain. 

But he found himself approaching the door anyway. 

He unlocked the three different locks they had set on the door and swung it open. Sirius was mid-knock, obviously not expecting Remus to have opened the door so soon, and he would've punched Remus if he hadn't caught himself. He was thankful he had, because hitting Remus right then would've doomed his efforts, for sure.

Sirius glanced behind him, bouncing on the heels of his feet. His teeth were chattering. "Can I come in?" He asked.

Remus just stared at him.

"Right. Listen, Remus--"

Remus hated the way his name sounded on Sirius's tongue.

"What do you want, Sirius?"

Sirius's mouth opened and closed as he tried to find the right words. He'd practiced with James, he'd practiced on the way here, but all the words were gone. The rain rolled in rivets down his nose and over his eyes, leaving little tiny raindrops to cluster together in his eyelashes.

Remus was hoping desperately that Sirius would say something brilliant to make it all better and his heart broke just that little bit more when Sirius said nothing at all, and he started to close the door, heart sinking in his disappointment--

--But Sirius caught the door. 

"Remus. I have some things to say to you. It's really important that you hear this."

Remus stared at him, jaw clenched. He was going through options in his head. Honest to God, could he take being hurt by Sirius Black again? Could his heart handle all that pain? Remus was no stranger to pain, but he'd never dealt with anything that hurt so bad as this.

Remus moved aside without a word and let Sirius inside. He locked the door behind him out of habit and followed Sirius to the table they'd shared so many meals together at. Remus felt his eyes start to burn as he tried to push memories of happy times out of his head.

Sirius played with his fingers in front of him, taking a few minutes of silence to construct all the things he needed to say in just the right ways. 

Remus waited patiently. Remus was always patient with Sirius, even when he shouldn't be.

"Remus, I said...some things I shouldn't have. And I wish that I hadn't because I didn't mean it, you know me, I always say things and think about it later. But I know that I took it too far this time and I said the worst things I could've and I hurt you in the worst way I could've." Tears started rolling down his cheeks one at a time. 

"I hate myself for saying those things because they're not true and I can't have you believing it. Moony," -Remus winced at the nickname- "you're not a monster. You're not, and you never have been. You're Remus, my book loving, brilliant, caring, did I mention brilliant...I don't even know what to call you right now, but whatever it is, you still mean everything to me. Just because you have a 'furry little problem' doesn't mean you're a monster. And I love you Remus. More than anything in the entire world. I could never hate you, not even if I tried. And I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry, Moony. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so, so sorry, my love. I'm sitting here before you tonight to beg for your forgiveness. Please, Moony."

Remus sat in awed silence while Sirius stared into his eyes with an overwhelming intensity.

Let him back in, Remus thought. It was what he wanted, wasn't it? To forgive Sirius and go back to how things were.

But was that really what was right for him? Who's to say that Sirius won't just do it again? He was right, he does things before he thinks. He's reckless and it gets him into trouble. Who's to say Sirius won't break Remus's heart again? He might not even mean it to happen, but it will. Remus could just tell.

But oh, he wanted to let Sirius back in.

Sirius stared into Remus's green eyes. He wondered briefly if it was the rainy day outside that was making them seem so sad.

"I forgive you," Remus said, so quietly Sirius almost missed it.

"Really?" Sirius asked, eyes filling with hope. Remus imagined Sirius as Snuffles, his ears perking.

Remus's lip trembled and he reached across the table to grab Sirius's hands. "I really don't want to regret this decision, Sirius. Please don't ever leave me again."

"I won't, Moony. I could never truly leave you. I love you so damn much."

Remus sighed in relief, a weight lifting off his shoulders. "I love you t--"

Sirius interrupted him with a kiss. And they both thought that everything felt a little bit more all right.

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