Requested by: Usocheezie

Words: 1667

Description: Remus has severe social anxiety.

Story:

When Remus went to Hogwarts at eleven, he had severe social anxiety. He didn't really know it, it was un-diagnosed, but his anxiety was always there, always present. It had been ever since he was little. This crushing feeling of everything that could go wrong was always present in the back of his mind. 

It got a lot worse when he first went to Hogwarts. He was in a new environment with so many people, something that had never happened before. He'd never had friends before. The only people he really interacted with were his parents and Dumbledore the one time he came to their cottage and played Gobstones with him. 

His entire first year was full of trying to fit in but not be noticed. He had to be the perfect little first year who stayed quiet, stayed hidden, but never caused suspicion. It was eating him up inside. 

They're looking at me weird. Is there something wrong with my hair?

My outfit? My sweater's old, maybe it looks stupid.

Do I look stupid?

His new best friends were the best and they learned pretty quickly to give him space when he needed it. But Remus just couldn't handle their questions whenever he returned from a full moon. 

They're suspicious.

They'll figure it out. 

What if they hate me?

What if they report me?

I'll have to be kicked out of school. 

I can't be kicked out of school, I'll have to live my whole life as a disgusting monster disgrace, failure, screw up, terrible...

Remus had panic attacks often. He would usually hole himself up in the bathroom until it passed. He knew he could go to the Hospital Wing and get some anxiety reducing potion from Madam Pomfrey, but he didn't want her to know. He hated that he was a werewolf already, and this was just something else on the plate of disasters. 

When James, Sirius, and Peter found out his secret in second year, he had his first panic attack in front of them. James tried to joke that it was fine, really, they didn't care that he was a werewolf. 

Sirius on the other hand, recognized the panic attack, as Regulus used to have them when he was a little boy (sorry I stole this tiny detail from @CricketCat) and he helped Remus out of it. 

From that point on, Sirius always tried to be there for Remus when his anxiety was getting too unbearable. 

It was third year when Remus discovered his crush for Sirius and being so close to him all the time was quite unbearable. He kept questioning himself, questioning his worth, what others thought of him. 

Most importantly, what Sirius thought of him. 

Remus simply couldn't wrap his head around it when Sirius asked him out in fifth year. He said no at first, how could Sirius want to date someone like him. But Sirius chased him down and asked him again, making sure he knew that Sirius wasn't just joking around, he wasn't trying to trick Remus into a dangerous heart game, he actually for real liked him and wanted to date him. 

Being with Sirius, with someone he knew took him as he was and he felt safe around, Remus felt at peace for the first time in a long time. The panic attacks didn't go away, but they were less. 

Sirius never tried to fix Remus, but he understood. He didn't judge Remus either, but he made sure he always knew that he wasn't alone and Remus should come to him to talk about anything that bothered him, because Sirius knew how those thoughts could pile up. 

Remus came back from winter holidays that year and Sirius knew the moment he saw him that there was a lot on his shoulders. He pulled him aside that night after the feast and they went and found a secluded place to talk. 

"What's bothering you?" Sirius asked, sitting beside Remus. 

Remus huffed a breath, burying his head in his shaking hands. "It's my mum," he said quietly.

Sirius's heart dropped a he rested a hand on Remus's back. "Aw, Rey, that's terrible."

He didn't really know what it was like loving your mother, but he knew that Remus's mum meant a lot to him. 

Remus rested his hand on Sirius's shoulder as Sirius wrapped his arm around his waist. "She's sick. The doctors said it's some sort of rare cancer or something. She'll be gone by...by the end of the next month, probably."

Sirius felt terrible and his eyes started to water. "God, I'm so sorry, Remus."

"I...I just--I'm so scared, Sirius. I don't want her to die. I have to be a-at school for the last m-month or so of her life. And--and what if m-my Dad starts drinking again?"

Sirius didn't know what to say. "I don't know, Remus. But I'll be here for whatever happens, alright? Count on that. If you can't count on anything else, count on that."

Remus nodded and made a mental note of that, vowing to keep it with him all the time. 

Remus was really going through it when his mum finally did die. He was excused from school for two weeks to be home with his Dad and to attend the funeral, but he would rather be at school. 

His dad lasted five days without alcohol, but that sixth day he got drunk as shit. 

Remus tried to avoid him, he hated it when his dad got drunk. His dad would always give him these drunken lectures when he used to get drunk when Remus was little. 

He'd voice his thoughts about Remus's lycanthropy in full, disgusting honesty. He had the decency to act like he loved Remus when he was sober, but when he got drunk, Remus heard the truth. All of it. 

Remus was hiding in his room, praying that his dad would stay away. But he was the only one in the house now, the only distraction. Lyall surely noticed right away that he'd disappeared. 

I can't stand another lecture. 

I can't stand the truth of it.

Because he's right, isn't he?

I'm no good, never have been.

What if he finds me in here?

What will he do?

Lecture me again...

I miss my mum.

What if she didn't love me like she said she did?

What if it was all just a lie?

What if she had the same opinion of me as Dad does?

I wish she didn't have to die. 

I wish she were still here. 

I wish I didn't have to go to that damn funeral.

Everyone was looking at me.

They were probably thinking about how terrible I am. 

Wasn't even there for my mum in her last moments. 

I arrived too late. 

What if I'm always going to be too late?

What if I lose everyone?

What if everyone I love leaves me?

No one ever stays for long.

I don't want to be alone.

God, I couldn't stand it if I was alone.

What if --

Lyall didn't knock, he just barged into Remus's bedroom. He was never much of a knocker. 

"There ya are," he slurred, pointing his beer bottle at Remus's trembling form in the corner. Remus tried to pull himself together and prepare himself for the onslaught that was sure to follow.

Look at you.

Hiding in the corner.

You're just a coward, how can you even call yourself a Gryffindor?

"Wipe that stupid look of your face, boy, people will think you're dumb."

People will think I'm dumb.

"What would your mother say if she say you now?" He scoffed, downing the rest of the beer.

What would Mum think of me?

She'd probably be ashamed. 

"I don't wanna talk about Mum right now," Remus said. "You're drunk."

"Did I ask you what you wanted to talk about?" Lyall asked. 

"No," Remus muttered, cursing himself on the inside for speaking out in the first place. 

"Get up, I'm trying to talk to you. A discussion, man to man."

Remus scrambled to his feet. He wanted Sirius. He wanted to be back at school. He wanted to be back with Sirius where he felt safe.

Lyall looked at him, scowling. His expression was one of disappointment and Remus found himself wondering what he ever did wrong.

Apparently he'd said that last bit out loud because there was a loud smack and a sharp sting before Remus had time to react. His father hit him.

His father hit him. 

His eyes welled with tears. 

"What are you crying for, men don't cry!"

"I'm sorry," he said. 

"You better be fucking sorry," Lyall said. "It's--it's your fault she's dead! She would still be alive if it weren't for you!"

It didn't make sense how Lyall was blaming Remus for cancer, but Remus couldn't help but believe him, at least a little. 

It was a miserable two weeks away from school. 

+++

When Remus got back to school his panic attacks were bad for a little while. It took quite a bit for the boys to ease Remus back into Hogwarts life and help him to forget about his dad hitting him, to let go of the plaguing thoughts of his mother's death being his fault. 

It took awhile, but they managed. 

Over summer, Remus stayed at the Potters' with James and Sirius. He wanted to go home at first; he was worried about his dad's welfare. The boys convinced him that it wasn't worth risking the progress they'd made over the remaining months of the school year. 

It took awhile, but things got better. The anxiety didn't go away, it was ever present, but it became easier for Remus to manage. 

He was happy enough that he could quiet the thoughts in his head. 

He realized that he didn't need to listen to them all the time. 

And it was just fine.

+++

Gosh, I'm so sorry if I messed this up. I tried to do my research, but I don't really know how to write anxiety, so if you have anything you'd like me to know, please tell. I hope I didn't butcher this.

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