JAMES

He sat in a chair in the corner of the room, wrapped in the blanket and as far away from Rayan's bedside he could manage. Meryn, on the other hand, sat beside Rayan with no struggle at all. Aelius bustled around the room, but the truth was clear on the doctor's face. Rayan breathed once more, but the vita-monitor betrayed his heart, where they removed the destroyed pieces of his arm, hooked up to a machine of wires and pulsing buttons while a brow shield covered his golden eyes.

He placed his hands between his legs and bit down on his lips. His world spun, and he put his hands on his temples instead to chase the nausea. Blood stained his uniform, and he tried to wipe some of it off his hands and successfully stifled a late scream.

"He's stabilized," Aelius said with his attention focused on Rayan Falae, strapped to the healing pod. "As long as we keep an eye on him for the next twenty-four hours, he'll make it through."

Will he, though? I was too late... to wake up.

Gravity choked him as the blanket weighed on him further while Rayan breathed with a sense of hollowness. No matter how many times Meryn told him it had to count for something, it left a bittersweet taste of ash in his mouth.

"James," Meryn said.

He edged further into his chair and swallowed the rest of his tears when they fell down his cheeks.

"Give him a minute, Meryn," Aelius mumbled with his attention back on him instead of Rayan. "I'll take care of him after." He sighed and returned to Rayan. "It's still a slippery slope we're going into."

The truth he couldn't face.

James leaped out of the chair and left the warm blanket behind to rush out the door and flee the vacuum of emotions which choked him with his actions and consequences — and everything he couldn't do. Heavy footsteps followed him out into the corridor of the bunker, where defectors hid in the shadows where disbelief and emptiness shook their core — their entire world ended with Rayan Falae.

James dove into a corner and smashed himself into it to fight for his breath in the ocean. Meryn headed to him with his hands outstretched.

"It's over," he rasped with his failing voice.

It was over, and everything was wrong.

James shook in spot and slid to the ground with his hands against his face to erase the images of Rayan, caked in blood, raising the gun to his own head. Ready to die when he hesitated.

"Ray's going to survive," Meryn whispered. "It's a small victory, right? Isn't that what matters?"

James whimpered and held onto the corner for dear life. "You call that a small victory?" He crawled deeper into it to escape the dusty cascade of war. "Maybe it would've been a mercy to end it... but I couldn't. I looked him in the face and I couldn't do it." He sucked in a breath and held it to avoid a sob then shielded himself with his arm against the wall. "Go back to him and your brother." He let a sob escape him. "Go back, Meryn."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

A steady hand rested on his back. "James, you're my friend too. You're not doing well."

James forced a smile on his face, but the pain cracked through his cheeks as he sank from Meryn's touch. Someone who had every reason to resent him. He would have. He did — abandoned and alone, left to choke on his smoke-filled lungs. He hugged himself again. "I'm great compared to Rayan. Peak physical health." He strangled a sobbing laugh against the wall and held his temples.

Meryn clutched his shoulder. "I'll go back if you do."

"I can't."

"Any reason why?"

"I just can't." James breathed deep. "All I'll see is him doing something I couldn't do." Water rolled down his cheeks, and he sniffed.

"James..."

"I can't, Meryn." He raised a hand to stop the wave of imagery. "I can't go in there and stew over the fact that he might still die. I can't do it. I can't. I'm sorry." He drove his fingers into his stomach and avoided Meryn.

"Aelius is doing what he can," Meryn assured.

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes."

He jolted when quicker footsteps broke him out of his misty daze. Maia rushed around the corner. "I got held up," she said, then flicked her gaze to the distant door of death. "How is he?"

"Stable, but..." Meryn hesitated and never took his hand off his back. "He could be better, obviously."

James choked when General Falae joined Maia around the corner, unarmed and in her civilian clothes, then lowered her gaze to him. He fell into tension at her commanding presence, and held his heart when pain cracked through it with a whip. He held his breath but couldn't stop his tears. He whipped around to hide himself from her, the person who refused to leave him to die.

"Mrs Falae," Meryn said and left him.

"Hello, Meryn. I just came over to see my son."

He froze at her steady footsteps approaching him. Strong underneath the greatest adversary, even though everything crumbled around her. He longed to have his envy, but nothing remained in his heart.

"Look at me, James," she requested, full of a mother's worry.

James forced himself on his weak knees, and turned to gaze at her. No hate filled the blues as she studied him with an unreadable expression on her face. Her few moments of examination choked him, but she turned to Meryn. "Is it okay if I see my son?"

"Of course," Meryn said. "Aelius is with him now."

His friend led the way back to the room, and James forced himself to follow their group. Aelius stood at the back of the room, washing off his hands in the wash station.

He jumped when they entered. "General!"

"It's alright, Matthey." Mrs. Falae headed to her son's side, and James found himself unable to stand with her every step. He returned to his warm blanket, resisting the urge to smother himself in it when she examined Rayan and the damage he caused. "How is he?"

"He's stable," Aelius repeated. "If I'm honest, I'm surprised he pulled through at all." He lowered his head, and James bit down on the blanket instead of his own hands. "I won't make any promises. His injuries were severe. If he makes it through this he can get cybernetics, though that depends on his body's ability to handle stress and changes to sensory fields."

Rayan didn't stir.

General Falae nodded. "I understand."

"I'm doing my best," Aelius' voice quickened. "I'll do everything I can."

James caught Maia staring at him in concern, but she jumped when General Falae whispered, "Close the door, Urtanes."

Maia closed the door.

He held his breath and waited for punishment. Mrs. Falae brushed her hand through her son's hair, and he swore the half-dead Insurgent relaxed. He watched her when she slipped her hand into her jacket and switched on her heel with precision to head to him. He braced himself when she stopped in front of him, where her shadow embraced him.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled through fabric, repeated for his life.

"James Ranier."

He sucked all the emotions out of his throat and dared to peer up at her. Mother's sadness filled her face, something he hadn't seen in a long time. The same one she gave him while he toiled in bed and choked on his own lungs. Her fingers gripped on the infopod and the datapad in her hands.

"Beyond any reasonable expectation, you've helped end this war that's been going on long before you were born," she said, calm. "You've compromised yourself in the name of others."

"I..." James tucked deeper into the blanket. "I was just doing what you asked, ma'am."

General Falae frowned further, then pushed the infopod and datapad into his hands. He opened up the contents, and found the punishment far worse than he imagined.

"I'm discharging you from service."

"What? Why?" He leaped out of the chair. "Why? I kept to our deal." He struggled to stand, and Aelius came over to urge him back into the chair and the blanket. "I did everything and more, ma'am, why am I being discharged?"

General Falae glanced between Rayan and him, and then sighed. "You've been trembling since I came here, James," she said. "I'm discharging you from the Strike Forces. You've saved lives including the one you were ordered to end." Fury flashed in the blues, but General Falae never cracked. "Despite that order, you chose to save it. I'm releasing you from active duty for good." General Falae knelt down to his level. "I know the scars this life will leave behind on you. I want you to be free, James. You're young, and you still have a chance."

"I'm already in it now, General," James snapped. "What else do you want from me? I kept to our deal."

Everyone gave him confusion, but he didn't need their understanding.

"It's done, James," General Falae said. "I want you to take care of yourself, that was our deal. Everything you need is on that infopod to get back on track."

James strangled his blanket. "Please, I've got nothing..."

"Well, I know that's not true." General Falae smiled at him. "I agreed to the compromise because I hoped joining the Strike Forces you'd see what that would mean. You didn't stand down for the injection, and I couldn't stop you. If you wanted that path you were old enough to choose. However... you're at the end of your slope, James. I can see it in your eyes." General Falae rested both her hands on his shoulders. "It's an honorable discharge. I want you to deal with your grief and live your life."

Words dripped off his tongue, but he bowed his head with the trembling world.

General Falae left him to return to Rayan. "It's time for change," she said while she continued to assure Rayan. "I know I might not see it bloom, but that is the price I'm willing to pay."

Her words tore through his mind, and he jolted out of the chair once more, past Maia.

He ducked back into the dead end of the tunnel and found solace in the darkness while he released the rest of his emotions with no one to witness. He hugged himself and found his life ripped from his fingers.

All his control, gone.

Everything he fought for, wasted.

He choked the dogtags, his last piece.

He longed to stop the shaking and swallow his emotions into nothing. He leaned back against the wall and managed a sigh instead of a sob. Footsteps alerted him once more to Meryn, but he found no strength to phase deeper into the facility.

"James?"

James turned to him, and he frowned when Meryn grabbed his shoulders. "I want you to become a mercenary with me. Let's go help people on our terms instead of someone else's."

"Why?"

"Because Ava would want you to be free of this and let go."

Let go.

Let go.

I can't.

James shook his head. "What else am I good for?" He gripped the chains. "This is who I am now, Meryn. I'm just a soldier." He drove his nose into the metal. "I can't be anything else, don't you see that?" His tears fell. "No matter what, I'll never escape."

"You're more than a number, James," General Falae's voice rocked through the world.

Mrs. Falae and Maia stood on the edge of darkness, and General Falae turned to his partner. "Get my ship ready. We're not done yet. I need to go have a chat with a certain someone" she said, and when Maia whisked off, General Falae returned to him.

"It's going to be a long time, James," she admitted. "But you've pulled yourself out of the black hole before. I know you can do it again, no matter how many times you've told yourself you can't. As long as you don't give up, as long as you can still find the strength to take another step, you have options in front of you." She smiled. "Whatever you believe, you've grown, James. It's just up to you now what further growth you'll have. I hope, given some time, you'll find yourself again." General Falae bowed to him, then left him to rejoin Maia.

James bit down on his tongue when she disappeared.

"James?" Meryn asked.

He slinked out of his dead end to watch her leave. He paced around the corner, then returned to Rayan's sickroom, and returned to his bedside. One more breath. One more step. He asked, "Can I have a minute alone with him?"

Aelius hesitated while Meryn left the room. James clenched his fists when Aelius nodded, then patted him on the back and rejoined his brother outside, closing the door behind him.

Alone with Rayan, who didn't stir at all.

James headed to his side and sat down with a shake of his head.

"I can't believe you..." He rested his hand on Rayan's, clutching it.

Again and again, Rayan defied everything.

He squeezed his fingers, and he chewed his cheek when Rayan responded with a soft huff, then murmured, "Jamie...?"

"Yeah..." James let go of his hand at his name.

Rayan never said it again.

He leaned forward to nuzzle Rayan's cheek, and stayed there for a response, but none came.

"I can't stay, I'm sorry," he whispered and brushed his hand through Rayan's hair while pressing his face against his. "I..."

I'm a fool.

I'm a fool who doesn't deserve the freedom she gave me... but I'll find a way to be worthy of it... even if it takes me my entire life.

He bit on his stupid pride.

"I love you," he whispered, quieter so not a speck of starlight heard him. It was not as if Rayan could hear him or would even remember. "I'm sorry."

I'm the one who could never stay... I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I ever will be.

James tore himself from Rayan and glared down at him.

He squeezed Rayan's hand one more time, then left the room, and already, he could hear Rayan begging him to come back. He stopped on the edge and turned to listen, but Rayan stayed fast asleep.

"James?" Meryn asked when Aelius took his place in the room.

James steeled himself. "Give me... a couple quadrums, Meryn. Give me some time to think. Then, if you'll still work with me, I'll help you make my sister's dream come true." He dug into his pounding temple. "I just... need to get out of here."

Once Meryn nodded, he returned the gesture then left the underground bunker behind with General Falae's papers of freedom in hand.