Empty.

If I had to describe how I was feeling, it was completely empty. I would talk to Noelle every chance I got, but with her being gone, it felt like a part of me was gone. I felt as though it was borderline unhealthy how lousy I was feeling that she was away at college. Like I needed to pick myself up and just live my life. 

I was having even more trouble sleeping. I would stay up far past when I would say goodnight to Noelle, most of the time on Facetime. Tylenol PM and Benadryl had become a part of my nighttime routine, and after a few weeks I felt like I could not sleep without it. My body would feel exhausted, but my mind was just running. 

I knew it was more than just worrying that Noelle and I were going to break up because of the distance, it was this anxiety and sadness that I just could not shake. Noelle and I overall though were doing fine, even with her being away. Even with me still worrying about her roommate, Elena. 

I spoke to her one night when Noelle and I were on Facetime together. She had walked in the room and Noelle said to her, "Elena! Come say hello to Harley!" 

Which she did. She came over to where Noelle was and smiled and said hello, and chatted for a bit with us. I do not know if it was because of my pre-conceived notions already, or if it actually was the case- but she seemed to be putting on a fake nice front. Just a feeling I got- and I usually always trust my gut. 

I was always exhausted for school because of the sleep medications I was taking. But one good thing was- I was loving school. And in the weeks that had gone past, I had already found a friend in Olivia Arnold- the girl who I met at orientation with Noelle. We seemed to stick together like glue and I was already considering us to be close friends. We would hangout after class and get coffee and we also worked together. She got me a job at Ulta- where she worked. I was only working part time, three evenings a week, and I overall did not like retail and having to talk to so many people, but I enjoyed being able to spend time with Olivia. Olivia was extremely down to earth, honest, and the kind of person that made you feel important when she was talking to you. 

I hadn't seen Priya yet. I missed her like crazy as well, but I couldn't bring myself to go down to where she went to college and visit her yet. My life was just passing me by- and I hardly had the energy. But at the end of September, she called me and demanded that I come visit her that weekend. 

"Look, I know how you are feeling. And I really think that you coming to visit me for a night would really help you out. We can go out and have some fun." she said to me as I was driving home from work. It was a Wednesday night. 

"I don't know, Priya. You know I love you, but I do not feel in the mood to go out." I said. 

"Then we don't have to. We can hangout in my dorm room, whatever you want. Harley- I am worried about you. It's like the life has been sucked out of you." 

I sighed, "Fine. I'll take the train down to you after school on Friday."

"Don't sound so excited." Priya chuckled. 

Noelle called me soon after and I told her I was going to be visiting Priya down in the city where she went to college. 

"I am glad you are. I think it'll be good for you." Noelle said. She was walking to her night class. 

"That's what Priya thinks too." 

"And then when you visit me next month I think you will feel even better." Noelle said. 

I was going to be visiting Noelle for the weekend the second week in October. I had already told my instructors that I needed off that Friday in advance. 

My mom was really glad too that I was going to go visit Priya. She also said it would be good for me to get out. Was everyone thinking that I needed something to lift my mood? 

That Friday I packed a going out outfit in a bag- just in case. I then drove over to the nearest train station. Taking the train was going to be easier than driving to Temple University- which was in the middle of North Philadelphia. Not exactly somewhere I wanted to be driving around. 

Priya met me at the train station. It was still light out and there were tons of college students out, so she felt comfortable walking by herself to get me. I immediately felt a sense of happiness when I saw her standing there in her tight dark was jeans and wine colored t-shirt- of course showing off cleavage. 

"Come over here, I have missed you so much!" she said as I got off the train. I ran over to Priya and gave her a giant hug. As we embraced, I knew it was a good idea that I wound up coming to see her. We walked over to the giant building that her suite style dorm was in. 

Her dorm looked more like an apartment. It had a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms, and two bedrooms. Priya had three roommates- Gabriella, Taryn, and Ashley. She seemed to get along with Gabriella- who she shared a room with- the best. She told me she already did not like Taryn- she always seemed to be complaining and starting drama. 

Priya and I sat on her bed after we got into her room. She was the only roommate home and the moment. 

"So, what do you say? Do you want to go out?" she asked me, "I figured a frat party wasn't your style, so I saw that at a gay club in town there is an eighteen and up night. Gabriella and Ashley said they would come with if you were up for it." 

I debated in my head whether I wanted to go or not. 

"Please. It'll be so fun. I promise." Priya put her hand on my knee. 

"Okay. Fine. I did bring going out clothes." I smiled at Priya. 

"Woo! I'm excited. I have to decide what to wear." Priya got off her bed and ran toward her closet. 

Gabriella then walked into the room. She had long, wavy chestnut brown hair and green eyes. She was short like me too. 

"Are you Harley? It's so nice to meet you, I have heard so much about you. Good things of course." she said, and then walked over to the bed and gave me a light hug. 

"Harley decided we are going to go out tonight." Priya said to Gabriella, "You better pick out and outfit." 

"Yay! I am so glad." Gabriella said, "I have never been to a gay club before." 

The outfit that I had picked out was a black v-neck t-shirt and jean shorts. Not very dressed up or sexy- but it was comfortable. 

Priya looked at me. "Let me give you something to borrow." 

"What? Is this not good?" I said, knowing she was thinking it wasn't. 

"Harley, I love you. But you look like you're going on a walk in the park or something. Especially since I know you'll pair it was Vans." Priya gave me a pointed look. 

"Okay. What are you thinking then?" I asked her. 

She was thinking a black, sheer t-shirt that my black bra was extremely visible through. It was definitely more revealing that I expected. 

"You look hot. You're wearing it." Priya said. She had on a tight black dress. She turned to Gabriella, "Doesn't she look hot?" 

"You do." Gabriella said to me. She had on a light pink shirt that showed off her midriff and a jean miniskirt. 

"Fine. I will wear it." I said. 

Ashley, the fourth member of our crew for the night, came in right before we were going to leave in a black tank top tucked into a pair of tight light wash jeans. She was a curvy girl with long hair that had a brunette to blonde ombre. Something I was going to learn how to do. We then started taking pictures. 

Gabriella took one of Priya and I. She had her arm around me, and we were both smiling. I looked at the photo and thought something I didn't think often. I looked good. 

My hair was down, long, and straight. My legs looked tanned and toned. And you could see my bra through my shirt. Sure, it was a bit more- okay, a lot more- revealing that usual, but I felt confident, so I decided to post it on Instagram. I hadn't posted in over a month. I had nothing to post. 

I got a notification on my phone as we were in the Lyft to go to the club that Noelle had liked the photo. I got butterflies inside and smiled to myself. Until I then got a text from her. 

It said: I am guessing you borrowed that shirt from Priya in the pic you just posted? 

I frowned at my phone and the conversation that was going on around me started to be drowned out with my anxiety. Was she mad? 

Turns out she wasn't happy. She made it known over text- not in an obvious way- but in a more sarcastic way that was more passive aggressive. I wasn't having it. It wasn't like her to comment and be almost controlling over something I was wearing. 

We were still arguing over text when we got to the club. I decided I had enough of her comments about me and what I was wearing. So, I told her I was going to stop answering her for the night. Which killed me on the inside. Why was she being this way? The whole time I was dancing at the club, I wasn't into it. I tried to be present, but my mind was wandering. Was she going to reach out and text me again? Was she going to find comfort in her roommate about our fight? 

We wound up getting back to Priya's at around 1:30 AM. I was so ready to change into my pajamas and go to bed. I washed my face, and then I went back into Priya's room to change. My phone then started vibrating. I looked at it. It was Noelle. 

"Who is calling you this late?" Priya asked me. She was sitting on her bed. 

"Noelle." I said, "I am going to go out into the hall and take this." 

"Is everything okay?" Priya asked me, looking concerned. 

"We kind of had a fight."

"Go answer the phone. And you better tell me what happened after." 

I slipped into the hallway where all the other doors to the dorms were. I had missed her call, and she left me a voicemail. It was short- "Hey. Call me back, please. Okay?" 

So I did. And she answered right away. 

"Are you okay?" I asked her. 

"Not really. I feel really bad about our fight earlier. I can't sleep." Noelle said in a soft voice. 

"Why did you start going off about my shirt?" I asked her. 

"It was wrong of me. I guess...I just started worrying. And getting jealous. Because other people would be seeing you in that shirt and I wouldn't. But I am so beyond sorry- I won't do that again. You can wear what you want." 

"I understand." I said, "It's okay, Noelle. You just reacted." 

"Yeah...I really miss you." she said, sounding sad over the other end of the line. 

I felt my heart sink. "I miss you. So much." 

So, so much.