Hey! It's me again- I think this line is now starting to get old, don't you think? I've used it a lot in all my books and I think it should stop, but then is kind of my introduction speech. Anyways, welcome to "Without You" Earthlings who pressed this red button, I'm glad you joined the bus before it left for planet Mars because this ride is quite different from all the other rides, which I'm not going to spoil this time and save it for when you read the entire story.

This book is a one-chapter story but what I intend to pass across is meaningful. The plot I used is common, but it's told my way as this month and last month haven't actually been good and I've been barely surviving this depression and I guess because of that I poured it on this short story, Without You. It's a sweet story, but short ( I wish I could make it big, but no, not this time. THIS IS THE ENDING OF THE STORY.) I've just been in the mood to bring out this feeling of raw love inside a book of mine, even though I'm already doing that in Rewrite The Stars, but there's something I want to share out there with you guys. The chapter is divided into four stages, stages which Daphne goes through. So read at your own risk, because this book, this book is full of sadness. I don't know about you, but I was in tears while writing the first part.

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Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. - Wikipedia

I FIND MYSELF drowning deep in the ocean. I cannot flail my arm to fight for my life as I am frozen, lolled by the mystical movement of the sea seducing me to unconsciousness. I cannot breathe. I am desperate for air to reach my lungs, but the more I try to fight it, the faster my body is to succumb to the water.

Deep echoes reverberate in my ears and I am encased with fear and agony, even though what passes through my ear is incomprehensible jargon.

I knew I was going to die because there was no way out of this. I had dug myself a hole and this was the result of my labor. I felt defenseless and scared of what was going to happen. When I thought of this, I had not taken the time to process it well, and instead, I let my emotion sweep me by the feet and now I was falling into a world, completely unknown, a black abyss.

***

Before any of this, I used to be somebody, I used to be happy, but that was all in the past now. This old song about happiness always brings back sweet memories, suffocating me until I am out of the air, and gasping to breathe.

I should be dead by now, my body should have been shredded to pieces, possibly by a shark or any of the sea creatures beneath the water. Yet, I am not. I was losing consciousness, and it was about time the water paralyzed me into a blackout.

My eyes are big and in a trance. It looked almost like a dead man's eyes once his life had been gutted from him.

However, before I submerged into a whole different dimension, I felt a strong big hand pulling me away from the water before it was too late. A shocked gasp comes out of my mouth, but it is bubbles that I see. My eyes tried to make out my savior's hands and it was... manly.

I could not see his face, as he was pulling me from behind. His hands were wrapped around my hips as he used all his strength to pull us out. He eventually brings us to the surface, but by that time I have already fallen into unconsciousness. I only wake up a while later, and I am lying on the sand when I hear a worried voice float above me. I bellow, salty water out of my mouth.

My vision was still a blur, but I was slowly making things out. I first saw his eyes, crystal blue, like the sea. It reminded me of what had happened to me earlier and in fear I shut them. His hands lie on my naked skin, and I have to remind myself am not bare. I was in Ellie's College sweater and her favorite shorts to wear around the house, and it was sticking to my body, I felt discomfort. The clothes cause a wave in my membrane and I start to remember more things.

The incessant knocking on our tiny apartment. Figuring out it was the cops after looking through the hole in the door. A young man probably in his thirties had walked in, while the other cops stayed outside. He had a tight expression on his face, as he introduced himself as Collin Walter, and proceeded to ask me if I was Delilah—Ellie— Sander's sister.

I remembered nodding and feeling uncertain and uncomfortable. Another cop had walked in and handed him a polythene bag and my eyes had caught it, and my whole world had tilted. I saw Ellie's clothes soaked in blood, and suddenly I knew what was going to come out of the cop's mouth. Collins's voice is clipped as he breaks the news to me, but all I can think of is Ellie.

She was not coming back.

She had told me that she would be back and only wanted to check in on a new job flyer she had seen stuck on the window glass of a convenience store. Collin tells me that she was bicycling back home when she was rammed by a car, and it had taken a while before she died under the care of the medics.

Ellie was gone.

She was not coming back.

That was three months ago, but I was not still over it.

Today was Ellie's birthday. She would have been twenty-one. She always wanted to know what life in her twenties was going to be like. She had a dream to spend a whole week in Las Vegas on her twenty-fifth birthday. She had talked about wearing something similar to the pretty dress she had seen in a clothing store one time. She wanted to also chop off her long hair so that instead of falling in waves at her back, it would be at length with her jaw.

She knew she would need money to make her dreams come true, but Ellie always believed that this was our titanic period, and one day things would start to look better, and it would spread to other days until it became part of our lives. Ellie had dreams that people would consider too big and too unrealistic, but she did not care, she insisted on dreaming about delusional things if they made you feel better.

Her turning twenty-five was still four years away, but she would never be able to experience all the other ages in between, and she would never be a Mom at thirty to a boy and a girl and a cat that she would later adopt, once she was ready.

She would not get to experience what love was like and dating or what it was like befriending someone. Ellie did not have friends, except me, and she could have had friends her age or older, and they could have almost shared the same interests as her.

They would have probably been infatuated with Olivia Rodrigo and red lipsticks because pretty girls wore bold colors and were not shy about it. They would have loved coffee just like her and reading. Ellie loved reading. She said it made her chaotic world quiet for a while.

She could have experienced a girl sleepover, that did not include me lying next to her, but different girls or even a single friend laying awake with her when they probably should not, and have jobs to attend to the next morning. Those friends could have brought wine and instead of being responsible adults, they could have chosen to drink it all. Ellie never acted like her age. She never came home drunk.

Instead of fussing about the responsibilities that sat square on her shoulder as a normal person would, and was an indication that they were only human, Ellie hardly complained and accepted it. Now, Ellie would not get to do any of these things because she was gone. She was now only going to be called in the past tense, while to me she was still very much alive.

I could not get a shut eye because I kept hearing her voice, and how she would always say she was going to change our lives for the better, and how we were close to achieving our dreams, and we just needed to believe them.

These were the reasons I could not continue living life when she was made to exist. She was made to fill this lifeless world with her vibrant spirit, and hope. I hated I was the one living when it should have been me who got crammed that night. She could have accomplished all her dreams, as I hardly dreamt as she did. All I ever dreamed about was her making hers a reality.

Life felt incomplete without Ellie.

I hated not being able to wake up to her puffed-up face in the morning or making characters with our hands in the dark while using a torchlight to display them on the wall. I would never be able to ever eat her delicious Mac n'cheese, the only meal she was an exception at, or get annoyed whenever she tousled my hair. I would not get to hug her like I did all the time it rained as I hated the sound of thunder.

I could not cope without her as it left me feeling lonely. I bought a wine and took a bus with no destination planned. Many people had gotten down and it was me and two other women on the bus. I had a plan that wherever the last woman dropped, I would follow. She happened to stop at a place called Waldenmore Valley. It was a small town, I found out, after scouring the whole place, half-drunk. I met quite a few who asked if I was okay and once I nodded, they went their way.

Between almost toppling on the ground and crying for some weird reason, which attracted a lot of stares, this time they did not ask questions, as they seemed to mind their business (I was an unattractive crier so I did not mind people didn't appear to care), I somehow found myself at the beach at about eight pm at night, and I cried my little heart out until my ribcage was hurting and chugged my wine until it was finished. By that time my dispirited mood and crying and consuming alcohol had made me exhausted I had slept off.

I only woke up once I heard the sound of seagulls and the sound of water tipping back and forth. My brain was still barely functioning as I was experiencing a hangover. My throat had hurt and my heart still felt broken. I missed her so much. A stupid plan sneaks into my head, while I am filled with sadness and desperation, and I cannot help not following.

There was absolutely no point living when the one thing that made life worth it was gone. I was unhappy and needed Ellie all the time, and ending my life did not sound bad in my head at seven am in the morning. It only meant I would be able to get to see Ellie again and not have to be all alone. The idea seemed like the perfect plan, I did not overthink it and made my way to the water.

People committed suicide so it was not that bad. I could also get to see Ellie. I needed to do it to give us the sister reunion we rightfully deserved. I had permanently made up my mind, that I was going to end my life, and it was right here on Waldenmore Valley beach. That was when my entire mind blackened. I cannot register a thing, after that.

I rise almost immediately. My hand reaches for her necklace, the one that had been wrapped around her neck, the day she died. I never removed it since I wore it that day it was reported she died and I saw it with her clothes in the white plastic bag. However, it was still there when I touched my neck and I felt relieved. I stay silent for a while, completely burrowed in my thoughts until my eyes catch sight of him.

The man, that saved me. He had one of his kneecaps buried in the sand, the other was tucked beneath him. He looked confused. . . worried. . . and a lot of emotions I could not tell.

"Are you okay?" He asked. I could not say anything because I was speechless. I had lost the ability to speak and it was all as a result of the stunning face that was in front of me. It was an artwork, I must say. He had an impressive jawline, sharp as a knife. I would kill for such a jawline, and I have tried but grounding my molars for just five minutes every day became stressful when I wasn't seeing any progress and I stopped.

He had lips that were plump and full, and thick eyebrows that were outrageous for a man to have because no matter the amount of Jamaican Castor Oil I had slathered on my eyebrows it still was not full.

His eyelashes were dark and long, and I could not help but grow envious of this stranger. Dark curls outskirt over his eyelids, and flutter along with the cold wind, while the rest of his hair pushes back to the nape of his neck. His skin was sun-kissed, probably from repetitive days at the beach. It was summer after all. Although today did not look like summer, the weather which used to be warm and sticky, was cold and horrible, and also gummy as I was utterly drenched to the bone.

The stranger was clearly into keeping fit because his very wet t-shirt happened to be see-through and I could make out his chest, it was hard not to. His arms were also huge and well-defined. I was a hundred percent sure he also had impressive abs, probably a six-pack. Or maybe an eight-pack? It was quite rare but from his appearance, he looked like quite the man to bag an eight-pack.

I had been staring for too long, that the stranger had to wave his hands in front of me to get my attention. "Hello?"

He looked like my age.

Perhaps a bit, older.

"Yes."

"I asked are you okay?"

"Yes... I am." I answered. I was fine right? I might have not acted completely fine when I purposefully entered the water to die, but I was not suicidal any longer. I preferred to die a natural death than to witness myself falling into a whole dimension that was far from living.

Ellie died while being consciously aware she was going to die. It made me sick to my stomach. I tried to compose myself and look like I was okay when what I feel is quite the opposite.

"Alright. Then that's okay. Do you feel like you need to go to the hospital? I could take you there." The stranger told me and I shook my head.

"Nope." I emphasized on the "p" that my lips make a smacking noise, and I wanted to slam my head repeatedly for that embarrassment. I gather the rest of the self-confidence I can muster. "I am good. Thank you for saving me." I was eternally grateful that he was able to be there on time to save me unless I would not have been here but beneath the sea, lifeless.

"You're welcome. You good on your own?" He asked.

This place was not Santa Monica, the city, where I lived. It was a completely different town. I had come here on my own, so I definitely would know how to make my way out of here. However, then I would have to go back home and remember how I had felt not even twenty-four hours ago.

Ellie was gone, and she was never going to grow older.

I got a new apartment, one month after Ellie's death. I could not bear being in the same place Ellie used to belt and dance to Disney songs, and I would constantly eye role at her bubbling energy despite things being tough for us. We were the only ones, we did not have parents, as I grew up without one in my life.

All we had was Maya, our foster carer. She took care of us and eleven other kids at her foster house. A lot of kids had left due to being adopted and I remember I was always scared that I and Ellie would be separated if one of us got adopted and the other didn't, or if we both got adopted into different homes.

Ellie used to promise me it was never going to happen as it was us forever. She told Maya she was going to be the one to take care of me, and that I did not need to put into the adoption system.

However, Maya told her she was not able to guarantee her that I wouldn't be out in the adoption system as I was still quite young. Ellie was three years older than me.

Once, Ellie turned eighteen, she was free to leave foster care, but I wasn't. Ellie abandoned community college to work side jobs. She babysat the kids in the neighborhood, worked at a convenience store, and did a lot of high schoolers' assignments because Ellie was smart.

Maya used to tell her, she had a bright future ahead of her, but Ellie chose me. She chose to make my wish a dream come true. However, things became tough, when I was adopted by a family because Maya didn't have the funding to take care of me.

It was one of the worst moments of my life, and I sobbed uncontrollably about it and begged Ellie to do something, but she still wasn't capable of taking care of me, so, I was taken in by a lovely family. They already had three kids, all boys. They were all in college and I rarely saw them.

The family— Alice and Bill treated me with utmost care, enrolled me into the best school in town, gave me enough feeding allowance, and got me things they thought I needed because I had no idea what to say when I was asked. All I wanted was my sister.

Alice and Bill acted friendly with me and seemed like they genuinely wanted to know me, but I still was not ready to accept them. I could not. This was not the life I had imagined, and I had no other choice than to suck it up and live it, at least until I was legal and can emancipate and join Ellie in fending for herself.

I had enough money that I saved up as I was given as pocket money every week. It was quite much as these people were wealthy and they were kind to give a nobody like me a hundred dollars every week. I knew it was enough to help Ellie and me once I was able to move out, and with the money she had piled up, it would be able to cater to both of our expenses.

Once I turned eighteen, I developed quite a relationship with my adopted family, and it was a bit sympathetic I had to go, but I had to part ways with them. My journey with them had ended, and even though I grew to love them, I needed to be with my sister.

Together, we had taken care of each other, despite the fact things were not very linear for us. On birthdays we could barely afford a cake. Ellie did not celebrate hers and made me promise not to do anything. I tried to do the same, but she refused.

On my birthday, she would get a few crackers and marshmallows, and flame them with a lighter to melt them until the crackers were gooey and had turned a golden hue. It was always so good. Times like that were too hard to forget. I didn't want to forget her, but at the same time, I wanted to, because remembering her only made living a life without her way worse.

Ellie was my best friend. My sister. My whole world. My whole world was taken away from me. So, of course, I was not okay. I was never going to be fine, but this beautiful stranger did not know that.

I nodded. "Yeah. I will be okay." I replied.

"Alright, then." He stands up, and that is when I notice how tall he is. He was practically a giant. How could someone be this tall? Even Alice's boys did not reach up to this man's height. He would tower them and make them feel like 5'5 while all of them were around 5'9. He looked at me as if trying to memorize my face in his head as if I was that hard to forget. I was never going to recover from his beauty. I was always going to keep thinking about him, and I was sure if Ellie was alive, she would have thought he was gorgeous too. His hands came in front of him as he waved at me. I waved back, and not sooner, he fled and ran down to the sea, which was now very far from me.

In a swipe, he removed his t-shirt and I saw him. His muscled back faced me, and it looked like if I touched it, it would be too hard to jab my finger into his skin. I could see the outline of his thighs as his shorts leaned down to expose them. His skin looked so tight. I was fascinated by the effort he had put into being fit.

His body was indeed an art. He bent to pick up a board that was on the floor, which I guessed was his and his skin did not even fold. With the surfboard tucked underneath his arms, he dashed for the water. The waves ripple the surface of the sea and it doesn't look kind from afar. However, that does not diminish the stranger's courage as he bounds for the water, by dipping the board into the water once the waves have settled. Then his legs follow and he is propped on the board, trying to maintain balance.

I silently watched him riding the waves, his brown arms kept wavering as his balance kept wobbling. Cold nips at my skin the longer I waited and I knew I needed to go. I looked down at my clothes, and I was embarrassed by my appearance. I could not go home like this. I need my clothes to dry. I also needed to stay here for a little while. I felt like I needed it. I stood up and felt sand digging into my skin. I also needed quite a shower. A long one.

My eyes returned to that man, and I hardly looked away.

Once I noticed he was surfing back to shore, I jumped to alert his attention. I wave my hands erratically too. At first, he could not see me, until not after seconds passed that his eyes connected with mine. A sigh exhaled out of my mouth, once I had gotten his attention.

   "What?" he yelled, from where he was. He was far away. The same could be said about me.

I cupped my mouth with both my hands and yelled back, "Is your assistance still up for offer?"

***

Noah was his name, he declared, two days after the incident when I had demanded it. He was already heading to bed looking sleepy as he kept on sighing during dinner and his eyes were fainter, but I could not let him go to sleep without getting to know his name this time, especially after living in his home for almost forty-eight hours.

I never planned on staying at Waldenmore Valley, or mooching off "Noah" it had just occurred. After taking to me his house to shower, and washed my clothes in the washing machine, and also gave me spare clothes to wear, I felt comfortable that I slept off in the spare bedroom I had showered in. When I woke up, it was already past eight, but what constantly ran through my mind was not how bummed I was for not being able to get home but how this might have been the best sleep I have had in months.

Since Ellie died.

"Noah?"

"Yes, Noah," he replied, but in a brusque manner.

"Like the prophet, Noah?" I asked jokingly.

"Yes it's the same, but I am my Noah."

"Your Noah, you say?" My smile resembled a clown, but I never stopped. It only seemed to annoy Noah and that was what I was looking for. Trouble.

"What's your deal with my name?" he inquired.

I shrugged. "Nothing."

   Since it looked like I had nothing to say again, he turned back to leave. We were standing in his kitchen, our dirty plates had already been rubbed clean by him truly and were stacked in the cabinet. He had declined when I offered to help, just like last night, and I hardly put up a fight because I hated cleaning dirty dishes.

The overhead light on his kitchen ceiling basks him in an orange glow. He still looked the same as two days ago, but one thing that I know has changed was the fact that he was not quite the charming man I met two days ago. He was a lot meaner, especially when I tried to ask questions.

I had asked him yesterday, at the same time, the same place, which one he liked between peanut butter and jelly, and he had refused to answer and quickly ran to his room to avoid my questions. Today, I was firing him with as many questions as I needed.

His hair was a lot messier, and I had this urge to ruffle them even more. He was in a hoodie and sweatpants and he still managed to look like a model from GQ Magazine. He smelled like men's cologne and sea salt from always heading to the beach. He loved the beach and I loved watching him surf. However, tonight was going to be our last day together. I had stayed in his turf, for far too long and it was time for me to head back to my life. I could not keep ignoring it forever, even though I wish I could.

I hurriedly rushed in front of him and raised both my arms sideways to block him from leaving, when he could simply swivel away from my arms and pass another side to get to his room, which he did and dashed for his bedroom.

I bolted after him while there was not much space to run in. His cul-de-sac was small and cute. The walls outside were yellow. At ten years old I would have loved it, only at nineteen years old I did not like the color any longer, or any color for that matter. I was neutral. It had wooden steps leading to the turquoise door. The inside was way prettier than the outside.

There were a lot of brown here and they made the house a bit more masculine. His kitchen cabinets were a shiny brown color, the same could be said for his dining table, which had a flower-patterned cloth over it. He had a cream vintage rug underneath it.

His living room was again brown and barely had photographs on the wall, unlike Ellie and I's old apartment which had a lot of pictures of us on the wall. We did not have a clue what having a family was like, all we had was each other. When she died, I put all our photographs in a brown box because I could not bear to look at them. Yet, I hoped that one day I would have the courage to look at them. He had a tiny table in the middle and a television that he hardly turned on since I had been here. He spent most of his time at the beach, and then at the grocery store before he went back to his bedroom. I wondered what kind of secrets he had there.

I was able to catch up to him before he could open his door, and hastily my hands encircled his big ones. Somehow the skin-to-skin contact made my heartbeat rate spike up. I tried to act unfazed when his darkened eyes looked at me. Then, peered down at our hands. I looked down too confused as to why his eyebrows had risen, when I saw I was still holding his hand. I disentangle it almost immediately.

"I need to ask one last question," I told him, then I thought of another question I needed to ask. "and maybe another one if you would not mind."

He stared at me looking bored. "If I answer, would you finally leave me to sleep?"

I rubbed my chin, pretending to be deep in thought like I needed to process his question. His expression turned to anger and I think I heard him grunt.

"Just joking!" I exclaimed, while in laughter. "I would let you sleep, I also need my beauty rest too. Especially since I'm going back home tomorrow." I said. His mood seemed to have changed after what I said, as he unexpectedly looked sad. I could have taunted him about him going to miss me, but I also was unhappy about leaving and I did not want to wrongly read into this and misinterpret his sadness about him caring about me.

In a rasping voice, my insides tingle, he asks, "What questions do you have for me?"

"Uhhh..." I appeared to be out of thought for a moment before it came rushing back to my head. "How old are you? I have told you I am nineteen before, but you haven't told me yours."

"I did. I told you I was not too old for you."

I rolled my eyes. "That was a vague answer."

"It's not. It means I am not older than you, and if anyone saw us, they wouldn't think our age gap is weird."

"Weird? How old are you, Noah?" I asked, now very curious to know the answer. At first, when he told me he was not too old for me, I wondered how old he was but did not push him further, because I didn't think he would be old. He looked like he was my age, but also looks could be very deceiving.

He exhales. "Twenty-one."

Okay, he wasn't that old.

He was only three years older than me.

Ellie used to be three years older than me.

I blow a sigh of relief and even hold my chest. "Thank goodness."

"Scared you were with someone older?"

I attempted to shake my head and play like it hadn't disturbed me deep inside my gut. "No..."

He laughed, but nothing was funny to inspire it. "You are scared about the possibility of me being older than you, but not scared that you're living with a stranger?"

I thought of it at first, when he had offered for me to spend the night at his place since it was far too late to get a bus, but then I felt this incredible solace I had never felt in a long time. I felt comforted in a stranger's home and I didn't want to leave. To prevent the risk of being murdered, I'd placed the cop's number on speed dial in case anything happened. "I knew you wouldn't do anything to me," I told him.

"How?"

I did not waste any time and replied. "Your eyes...and you also saved me. Which murder saves a person drowning when he could just watch her die without having to lift a finger?"

"A murderer with sinister thought. Don't you watch ID? Some murderers like to do the job themselves, rather than let nature happen. It kills the joy of murdering someone."

I suddenly feel uncomfortable. I shift back. This causes Noah to smile. "You scared now?" he asked.

I do not feign admittance yet again and shake my head. "No. I am not scared."

He chuckled. "Yes, you are."

"No, I am not."

"I wouldn't argue. I'm tired as it is. Now shoot me your other question."

A creepy smile snags on my lips, and this makes Noah crinkle his eyebrow. "This was last night's famous question, and going to be my last question ever, to you. Which do you prefer? Peanut butter or Jelly on your sandwich or both?"

It was quiet for a while until Noah began talking. "What made you think of such a question?" he asked, and I shrugged in reply. It was nothing that birthed this question. It was an Ellie and I thing to do, to ask people what their favorite spreading was as their answers would define what kind of person they were.

He took a while to answer. "Both," he answered, and on reflex, I smiled. He noticed. "What? Why are you smiling like that?"

"Nothing," I answered. Then I place both my hands on his sides and try to turn him from me. "Go inside, go sleep."

He did not budge. "Was that a weird code or something? Why are you smiling like that?" he inquired. I shook my head, but it was like he was tired of that response and held both sides of my face. It was so quick, that I did not react until later. "Can you not play tricks with me when you're leaving tomorrow?" he asked sounding serious and pained. His eyes were on mine and I could not stop staring. We were too close to each other, if we inclined our head a bit our lips could touch. It was worth the try, I thought, but I did not listen.

Noah removed his hands and stepped back while acting awkward. I also take a step back while playing with my fingers. He points his right thumb to his back, which is his bedroom door. "Bedroom...sleep. I need to sleep."

"Yes. I am also very much tired too."

"Goodnight." The word sounded more special than it should have. It was only a word, but it was going to be the last goodnight we would ever tell each other.

"Yeah, goodnight."

Noah turned and opened his door, and entered. Before closing it, he takes one look at me and smiles while waving at me.

I waved back.

When I was the only one left, I thought about his reply.

Both.

I remembered when Ellie said :

"Both meant the person wasn't weird. They just like the two together which was an incredible taste. However, it means that the person would not be open to anything too bizarre for them because what was the harm in having a sandwich with only peanut butter or jelly? However, they could, only if they had the right person to nudge them to explore other exciting options." She said while eating a jelly sandwich and I ate my peanut butter sandwich.

***

It took just a year to get over Noah.

It took a day for him to revoke those old feelings. I was at a bar with my friends, and we all were drinking, trying to unwind from the stress of college exams. Now, that we were done, we wore our prettiest clothes and styled our hair, I had mine in waves and I also experimented with a bit of makeup on my face.

I was not a huge fan of makeup but I was learning how to be comfortable with makeup on. The music was loud, and my ears throbbed, and I thought I might lose my ability to hear again. My friends — Sarah and Avery — had already left for the dance floor, and like always were amidst a lot of people.

I could see them from where I was sitting, shifting their bodies to the rhythm of the music and also the alcohol in their system, as they wobbled a bit. Guys trickled to their spots and tried to dance with them. It was inevitable for my friends to dance alone, their aura practically tugged people to them. It was how we all became friends.

I met Avery at my college orientation program. A few months after I'd met Noah. She was a fresher just like I was. So, we bonded over our hopes of how college would look like, and then our conversation stretched to what food we hated. She hated delicate fries but preferred the crispy kind, and I told her how I hated mangoes and could not consume anything that contained that fruit type.

By luck, we happened to find out we were roommates, and it only intensified the connection we experienced at the orientation program.

Sarah cracked our solid duo when her old boss selfishly convinced her to attract customers to his diner, then he would not sack her as Sarah had appeared late innumerable times, and it was only because she was busy nursing her sick aunt, her only familial companion, and had to take her to the hospital frequently because her health had started to degenerate and it was unsafe to leave her alone.

She convinced us to visit her boss's diner by making sure to chastise any excuse we had. Avery and I enjoyed the burgers and fries we ordered and agreed that it wouldn't hurt to order there once again. But on our second try at the diner, Sarah was nowhere in sight, and after beckoning one of the waiters for an explanation, we found out she had been sacked.

We didn't see Sarah until after a month and it was at one of my restroom breaks. She explained to me everything that had happened and together we cursed her boss with not-too-tragic wishes. I introduced her to Avery, and it did not take a while for the both of them to bond, then my friendship group expanded to let one more person in. The last of any friendship relationship I hoped to have in college.

Before entering college, I had made it a mission to not make too many friends. I didn't want too many friends, blocking out why I was here. I was a scholarship student, who had the luck to attend college when she did not think it was in her future. I didn't impulsively trust my friends and call them my best friends simply because they liked Gracie Abrams and could listen to her all day.

But, I took them in, when I realized they were more than just my friends but sisters by fate when Avery made me sit in between her legs as she willingly braided my hair, as she said pigtails suited me best. Or when she would text me and ask me what kind of food I'd like to have for dinner so that she could make it, or when she stayed up all night to watch my cringy K-drama with me because she simply wanted to know the whys of how I loved the Asian drama until she too fell in love.

Avery became a sister, that I was glad to have met once again. Sarah was like a beacon of sunshine, the kind that would not let you stay alone, afraid you would only seep into the darkness.

Despite not being around all the time, Sarah made sure to leave her marks, by 'just checking up on you' notes, and her unfinished film on our shared Netflix account because we were all too broke to afford to pay alone.

But how did she wander her way to being a sister? It was when she called every single time to check up on me because she knew how terrified I felt alone in this big world without Ellie.

It had not even been up to a year since Ellie was no more, even though in my heart,  and my mind, she was living. I still cried and rode buses to distant places, and nope I never found another Noah or my Noah. It was just me, lost in a universe where it was just me and Ellie, no one else. It did help me to dull the ache of her disappearance. I got to understand that even though she had been taken away, unjustly, I needed to move on, it would have been what she wanted.

Sarah took care of me when I could barely move when I was on my time of the month and shopped for my favorite snacks to munch on. She waited every time there was an album or song release from either Gracie, Olivia, Taylor, and Conan, to listen with us, over cheap wine and pop tarts. Sarah cleaned my space because she knew I would not, and my space has hardly been dirty to exist in.

My friends pushed those guys away, as they were both in very committed relationships and it was very clear what those men wanted out of dancing with them. Sarah waved her hand at me, signaling me to join them. I did not feel like dancing, but this was my night of freedom, after experiencing the woes of exams.

I hesitated before joining them on the dancefloor, but making sure my sight was pinpointed at our stuff that was still on the bar tabletop. I didn't carry much but my friends did. Although I asked the bartender to watch our stuff, I knew he would be too busy to notice when someone nicked our stuff.

I was not a great dancer, but I did my best. I tried to have fun like my friends. I sang songs in a very terrible voice and people influenced by the alcohol they consumed, cheered me on. I felt an excitement while dancing. It reminded me of three years back when Ellie and I had dance breaks, initiated by me of course, and it used to be so much fun. Now, it felt just like that time, even though Ellie was no longer here.

I felt all the heaviness I have ever had roll off my shoulders. I had even stopped caring about our stuff still at the bar table and was busy living carelessly like my friends were... the way I wished for Ellie to live her life. Now that I am older, I understand how it was not easy to live under the pretense that your life is not falling apart and you are okay when in reality, you want to scream at two am to the Lady Gaga song, Shallow, in an empty street.

It was hard and I tried to be fun but I had homework, and jobs to attend to because even though my tuition was going to be paid for the rest of my entire college by people I still would not know as they preferred to keep their identity hidden, I still had to feed myself, pay my rent in whichever place I stayed every break. I have lived in so many houses for about three years and exchanged my youth to bustle for money, and I was still not financially stable.

I was still years away from attaining that independence, so I enslaved myself to make sure I achieved that one day. It would have been what Ellie would have wanted.

The club lights, a myriad of colors flashed incessantly, blurring my vision, I could hardly see my friend's faces properly. I also did not realize when someone was behind me until I felt a tap on my shoulder and my friend's eye which I had not been able to see had appeared in my focus and was perched on the person behind me.

I turned back ready to unforgivingly shoot down this guy's request, when my eyes slammed into the very blue eyes had fallen in love with at the beach. It did not take long for a smile to connect my features as I was still surprised. I never expected to see him here, or anywhere.

Two years ago I used to hope for us to cross paths even though I was nowhere close to that town. I could not go back. I was too scared to go back because I knew that I wasn't going to mourn Ellie but to ask him to give me a try. I was not mentally ready to love but I knew I loved him. Until a year ago, I had lost hope in us ever rekindling that special relationship and the moments we shared and simply gave up. I tried meeting with other guys but every single one just felt awkwardly off, like they were perfection but didn't match my preference for the man I wanted.

Now here was he. The man I wanted.

The first thought, that captured my mind was he had grown, and so well.

He smiled too.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I replied.

We were in between sweaty bodies corrupted by the music playing from the speakers and were still dancing, not looking like they would stop, but all I could think and hear and look at was him.

And it looked like just like me, he had an infinite amount of words to say to me.

***

I meet Noah's eyes while on my shift at this seaside restaurant I recently started working in after I left my old home and city and exchanged it for miniature houses that were over the top bright in color, and townies that wouldn't leave you be, as they said, we are all a family. All these contrasts to my boring city were all contained in that same town; where I met Noah, fell in love with him, and started in my hopes to start a completely new chapter of my life.

People sang my name, and I had to depart away from his eyes and narrow it to the customer, Mr Reggie whose order I had emptied the space in my hands. I made my way to Mr Reggie, and Noah, being the gentleman, stopped in front of me to pack the plates of hot tacos from my hands.

"I'll take these. Just get the other orders. Remember we need to leave early." Noah was still really attractive, and it looked like the three years we spent apart did him wonders, because I could not handle looking at him, without it affecting me, especially my stomach and the other part of me that ached for him to be buried inside me.

Noah was the best boyfriend to ever have happened in my life, and he also happened to be my first. The man I shared my first I love you with, my first kiss, which started at the beach, before engulfed by the flames of our year-long love for each other, we immediately escaped to his apartment.

It was still the same yellow house that I had stayed in three years ago but was retouched to be quite bigger. The man I lost my virginity to, and it was the best experience, because every single time he thought I was hurt, he would kiss every part of my body until I was cocooned in his wet kisses. Noah was my soulmate and I knew those years back but didn't want to ruin what we had then, but now I was prepared to ride that storm, as long as I had him.

I nodded and shyly smiled as I went to the kitchen to get other people's food. The chef and owner of the restaurant—Oceanview—caught my tomato-red appearance, and he knew what was up. The whole town knew of my romance with Noah, and at first, it was work trying to get used to it, until I did, and loved my Noah regardless of hundreds of people staring at us.

"I am happy for you guys," he told me, and it sounded sincere. Of course it would, he was Noah's best friend, although Noah would never admit it.

   "Thank you," I told him. He didn't get to say much as we were informed of more orders and had to get to work.

At the end of the night, there were hardly any more orders and Noah had been fighting off his best friend to let me go with him. After much persistence, he allowed me to leave with him. Hand-in-hand we strolled down the road, barely looking at the others who happily watched us recently move to his apartment, even though it was not too long since we met and got together. But, Noah reminded me of how three years back we had stayed with one another without knowing the other and lived just fine. It was just the way we were.

However a lot has changed during those three years apart, and then were little changes, and it was how manly Noah looked now that he was twenty-four. His body was still as beautiful as that day and even more defined, but I had expected his hair to reach his shoulder but he had cut it as he didn't want to look like a hippie.

He talked more and was not as quiet as back then. He was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he had loved me ever since that day at the beach, but could not say it, because we had only recently met, and also didn't want to scare me away. I had changed too. My hair length was still the same as I had not experienced anything that would make me want to cut it off or ever feel the need to make my hair short.

Although Ellie would have chopped hers, without any incident to have provoked that kind of action. She was just spontaneous in that type of way.

Noah got us ice cream and burgers because I asked, and we both munched on it at the beach which a lot of people occupied as it was summer, and that meant bonfire parties were an occurring event.

A lot of high schoolers threw this kind of party and I had watched them while resting on Noah's shoulder. I had never got to attend this kind of party, even while I was still in college. Avery and Sarah had begged me to attend but I always canceled because I needed to put my priority first and that was my education first before any other thing.

"What do one even do in a bonfire party?" I asked Noah, as he was still profound when I told him I had not attended one.

"Uhm there's a bunch of snacks, beer, marshmallows, and crackers," I make a 'yummy' sound and this makes Noah laugh. "It is yummy. There's hotdogs and some people even roast their corn, and eat it with–"

"With butter?" I cut him off. Noah didn't mind but smiled back at me.

"Yes, with butter."

"I wished I attended one of these," I admitted.

"Yes, you should have, but you still have time to do that."

"How?" I asked him because it seemed impossible. I was going back to college for my final year and that was the year of brutality. I needed to experience less fun while I prepared for my exams.

"You could join me in crashing this high schoolers bonfire. We could enthrall them by the fact we are grown-up and experienced."

"But I wasn't experienced." I arched my eyebrow at him, trying to gauge what he was trying to say.

He winked at me. "But they would not know."

I rose from his shoulders to look at him properly, and his beautiful blue eyes were still staring at me, filled with hope, as if he was sure I would do what he said, but somewhere within me, I wanted to do it.

"Should we?" he asked. He always made sure to ask me if I was okay with anything or not, before doing anything. Noah was patient with me while I could be overbearing. Fortunately, he loved me. I had no problem with the idea because I was going to do it with him, the love of my life, the man I was so sure I would get married to if fate decided to keep us locked in for the longest time. I just felt overwhelmed and anxious because living carefree was always the way I wished to leave and I never got to do that, because my life was just upturned the moment I was born.

My parents had decided to leave us at a foster home with no sympathy that their kids might need them. Ellie had no choice but to grow up when she was still a kid and had to take care of me because I made her promise that to me. The only freedom I have ever inhibited was when I left familiar places for unfamiliar ones whenever I missed my sister.

Nonetheless, my total out-of-character brought me Noah and I am so grateful because I got to hope, to love once again. I got to be me when I lost touch with myself after Ellie's death. It was all because of him, my world didn't collapse when it could have. All I felt right now was a mix of emotions, that only left me once I felt Noah rubbing circles on my hand with his thumb. I didn't need to overthink it. I knew what I wanted right at this moment.

I stood up abruptly, and this was taken as unexpected by Noah, as he looked confused. I giggle. "Wanna have some fun?" I outstretched my hand in front of him

He smiled, a breathtaking one. I couldn't still believe he was mine, despite waking up every morning to his 'Greek beauty' since the start of summer, and Avery and Sarah repeatedly telling me he was mine, just like I was for him. He holds my hand and stands up, almost taking my weight down, until he holds me close to him. "Yes. I want to have some fun with the prettiest and craziest woman in the world."

Together, we crashed a teenager's bonfire party, hand in hand, smile matching one another, and pretended for a little while that we were still teenagers who were still reeling in the fun of a summer break. Although we were still kids, we both knew we had grown way too old for this kind of thing, but whoever said that? As much as I know you're never too old to attend your first bonfire party at twenty-one or twenty-four years old.

***

Dear Ellie,

        Without you Ellie, I was depressed. Heck, I couldn't watch our favorite sitcoms without crying like a baby. Every single thing that had become a habit to me reminded me of you, and I often always lay in the kitchen and cried because that was one place where you were rarely there.

You hated cooking and I somehow knew the handwork of the kitchen due to my stay at Alice's home. I wouldn't say now, that I was okay. I still wept when I heard your favorite songs. Then I played it again and again and laughed because these were things that made you, you.

Even though your taste in music was weird, you hardly had a type of music you listened to. You listened to all types, while I got stuck in your sappy songs because they sounded so pretty and made me wonder what love and heartbreak were like. Ellie, I hate that the world wouldn't get to witness such an amazing person grow into her potential. I feel so bad for those who didn't get to meet you because they would never know how a good person you were.

Noah says he is envious of the fact that he didn't get to meet you and said you sound like such a vibe. I hate that I have to move on while you're somewhere far from me, but I wanted to let you know thank you. For everything you did for me. You never made me feel sad about having no parents, instead, I only felt glad I never got to meet them and spend those times with you. We didn't have much but to me, the little we had was enough. You were enough for me. I loved you so much, and I know one day we shall get to reunite one day.

So until then Ellie, I shall write to you, about every milestone that I have ever reached and share it with you, because if the world wasn't too cruel, it could have been us together targeting those goals. I love you and miss you... oh, and Noah misses you too, even though you'd never met. I discovered this summer break and us living together that he was weird, but he should be lucky I loved him and also isn't he so sweet to be thoughtful in that kind of way? Anyway, I can't wait to write to you once again!

I will always love you,
Daphne.

—

Author's Note: Last month I went through this depression and struggled to make myself happy, but I still kept on writing because I could not give up. Then this month it went to a part where I could not stop being sad and that's when I updated on I Should Have Told Him, a one-chapter story like this one, but supposed to end at only one chapter. Now I'm growing better due to the support of my friends who made me not keep hiding what I'm feeling and instead share it now. I broke down again and it came to the birth of Without You.

I'm fine, I am okay now, just still a little bit sad. I've started planning what to write for my books and I'm ready to start updating, I just have to work on Masked Truth again as I feel I'm rushing the entire plot. However, you've seen what I tried to portray in this book. Daphne and her struggle for happiness and also how she met Noah. It's such a sweet story,

New author's note: I wrote this when I was 14. I had no idea why. But like I said I was depressed, with no absolute reason but now I'm so much better. I liked this book and I hope you feel the same love I had for the characters and the plot.