So I had a song I wanted you guys to listen to, but for some reason, the video media isn't working. So if you can, while reading, listen to the song, IDK You Yet by Alexander 23.

Cassie's POV

I stumble from my bed to my bathroom, passing the light, not needing anything to further along my hangover that's banging against the inside of my head.

I open the medicine cabinet, and with my fingers, spark a light for my eyes to find the pill bottle on the second shelf. I thought that the empty bottle and shot glasses would be enough to erase him from my mind but that man, my man, my little baby Jacob is still circling in my mind.

I want it to be the happy memories but whenever I close my eyes, but all I can think of is running up to the accident and seeing Jake being covered by that tarp.

Like he was nothing.

Like he was just another death that didn't matter in the scheme of things.

Like he couldn't be carrying our child.

         I feel tears prick my eyes and it makes grabbing the bottle even harder, my blurry vision from pain and alcohol. Once I finally get it in my hand, I get the top open, only to find it empty and useless. In a fit of rage, I through the hollow container at the mirror and I watch with a mild sense of satisfaction as it cracks.

          Leaving the bathroom now that I have no reason to be there, I stumble out of my room as well, needing to get away from the smell of him the one that won't leave me alone whereever I go.

          The one I'm still addicted to.

         I'm able to make it to the living room, pushing off the wall a few times in order to stay upright. When I get there, I find a table full of bottles and shot glasses, everything I need in order to drown away the thoughts that won't leave me alone.

        Jake, why did you have to go?

        I feel pain shoot through me at his name and I crash into the table, my hands reaching out to grab and shake bottles, looking for anything that will make the pain stop. That will make my thoughts stop going in circles over the one man in the world that was absolutely perfect.

        I wish I could go back in time and be in that car with him.

       Replace him.

        See him one last fucking time or at least be able to say goodbye.

        It's been over a month since he left me here alone on this world to survive without him and I dread waking up everyday.

        I push my matted hair out of my face as I find a beer bottle half full and drown the rest in a few gulps. But it's not enough. It's never enough. My mind never stop unless I keep drinking, keep going, until my brain can no longer work and I'm blacked out. The only time I can ever find peace anymore.

       Two weeks ago, I had my Choosing.

       It's one of my only memories that survived the alcohol and self loathing, sticking through me no matter how much I wish the thought would go away.

      The choice was right in front of me, two paths. I know I should have chosen to stick alone, any other option only leading me to move on from Jake. To leave behind the one love I promised myself I would never let go. And yet.

      When I got to the end of the trail, I found myself turning left, going down the path that lead to light and trees and waterfalls and someone waiting at the end.

      I don't know who it is.

      I don't know when we'll meet. But I need them. I need them so fucking bad.

     I need someone to help me with this fucking pain in my shoulders so I can stop feeling like I'm going crazy whenever I hear Jake right beside me, telling me that it's going to be okay and that I have to live. I have to keep going.

     I don't know who this person is that I chose.

      I've never seen them before, but I know that I love them, if only because they'll take everything from me, my fear, my pain, my tears and every single drop of self hatred and bottle it up to send in the sea.

       Even though I feel like I'm betraying Jake by moving on.

       I can't go on like this.

       I don't eat.

       I can't sleep.

       I'm either drunk or high, no will to live but no motivation to die. If only for the fear of not being able to reach Jake for taking my own life. If only for the fear that it would all be for nothing.

      I remember the night after he died, when I found myself in the middle of a field in the country, no houses or cars around for miles. A when I lifted up my head, I swear that I saw Jake sitting next to me, looking at the stars beside me.

      He made me promise that night that no matter what, I would keep going forward. And if I ever looked back, it would only be in the rear view mirror.

      I regret making that promise.

      I wish I could go back that night and snatch the words from the air and swallow them along with a shot of jack, followed by the rest of the fucking bottle. I wish I didn't give him my word, because now the promise is linked to my soul, and even if I don't want to, the promise will be followed through.

      I wish I had followed him away from here that day.

       But there seems to be no stars left as I trip and fall to the floor, my unfocused eyes staring up at the ceiling.

        I let my mind roam, not letting myself stick to one thing, knowing it'll always, always circle back to him.

        Always Jake.

        My forever and always.

        And yet.

         I can feel it, a small part of my heart, growing a little bigger as the weeks go on, thats not hanging on so tightly to his favorite books strewn around or the memories of us during christmas.

        There's a part of me that knows, one day I'll belong to someone else. Someone that will help me.

       Someone that will hopefully drag me out of this pit that I've found myself in. I've dug my own grave but for some reason, I can't seem to rest.

      One day, maybe not soon, I'll see my perfect angel again and he'll tell me all about the new stories he's found. He'll tell me about the friends he made. He'll tell me how much he missed me and how he loves me and how much he fucking hated leaving me alone to my own devices in a world that never gave a shit about me. A world that constantly chewed me up and spit me out and knock me back down every single fucking time I started to feel happy again.

      I know a lot of people would expect for me to be angry.

      But I used up all of my emotions when I saw my sweet bean hanging out of that car with blood dripping down the side of his face and blank baby green eyes that always looked at me like I mattered.

      For the first time I mattered and it was all taken away.

      So maybe choosing to have another wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe in three or ten years I'll be happier. I'll finally feel a little better. 

       But I know.

        I know.

        Jake will never ever leave my heart or mind.

        He wasn't just my First, he was my only.
    
        He's the only one that will ever hold my heart and own it as completely his. The next person will only borrow it until I can find my way back to him.

      So even if I don't know them and even though I know nothing of them, whenever I find my second, things will finally fall in place. They will help me, when I need them. They'll fix me so when I finally see Jake again, I'm not broken anymore.

       As I fade away form the world towards a temporary peace, the thought floats in my mind.

       They'll fix me for Jake.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought of this extra while listening to the song and walking to work. This made me cry a lot. I hope that whoever you are, that you find your someone, even if they're only there to help you get ready for another.

Thoughts?

Comments?

QOTD: Wyd?