5-4-16
Questions don't really stop for me,
They're constantly there,
Begging for an answer
(I know what that void feels like, it'll be okay).

Why do you do what you do?
Surely, this has to have an answer.

But I find myself needing that answer even more when I'm tasting blood on the piece of metal on my tongue,
When I'm staring myself down in that dirty mirror,
Wondering how the hell I got here.
You see, I have everything I used to want so badly,
I've become an art piece,
I've become something I love.
But there's no reason for this-
There's no reason for what goes on in my head,
And lately I've found that I'm so caught up in life up there, it's threatening to consume me.
The actual world doesn't feel real and perhaps I just want to feel real.
(PERHAPS I'M SICK OF THESE DAYS BLENDING TOGETHER AND FEELING SO HAZY AND PERHAPS I'M SICK OF MY OWN DEPRESSION AND ADDICTION. PERHAPS I'M SICK OF THE ANXIETY ACCOMPANYING WHAT I DO. PERHAPS I'M SICK OF STEALING AND LYING AND BECOMING A VICTIM OF THE THINGS THAT SCREAM AT ME. PERHAPS I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT. BECAUSE I'M SO ALIVE BUT I'M SO FUCKING DEAD AND I CAN'T WATCH MYSELF DECAY. I'VE SLIPPED BACK INTO A COMA I NEED A WAKE UP CALL, I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC IN THIS HEAT, UNDER THIS SKIN, UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THIS BULLSHIT. I CAN'T SELL MY ASPIRATIONS FOR THESE THINGS BUT WHERE DOES IT GO?IT WON'T JUST DISAPPEAR. I PICKED UP THAT BLADE AUGUST 26, 2015 AND IT'S SOMEHOW MEANT SOMETHING TO ME EVER SINCE NEGATIVELY OR POSITIVELY. I PICKED UP THAT BOTTLE MARCH 14, 2016 (march 14, 2016 march 14, 2016 march 14, 2016) AND IT HASN'T LEFT SINCE AND I HATE THE TEMPTATION. I HATE THIS.)

I understand what I put on the line for these things,
I understand the danger of what i do.
I understand that I need my memory,
I hold it close to my poetic heart,
I understand that I need my sanity and sobriety.
Why do I do the things I do?
Why do I feel the things I do?
- (m.m)

Woooah I totally meant to update that and I feel a bit differently now and I did change it a bit like:
August 26, 2015
picked up that blade,
Since then, been trying to stay clean
March 14, 2016
Picked up those pills so I'd feel empty

May 5, 2016
Put down those pills
Cuz it just wasn't me
That life ain't something I need
These demons make or break me with their presence
I'm caught in the light of a dangerous essence
--
Not to say it's over though. For awhile I've recognized ive got power, and for the first time in forever it wasn't destructive, I used it to say no. And I celebrated myself for that. I'm sober, this is far from over, but I'm gonna make it. Im okay.