7-19-16
Sometimes I like to stare at fluorescent lights and wonder what would happen if they weren't hanging there anymore, and they shattered and fell to the floor,
The electricity sparking up and raining down.
Sometimes I like to look at sad eyes and wonder what they've seen yet not have the words to ask.
Sometimes I like to take myself down to places I used to spend my time at,
Relive the memories.
Sometimes I like to talk to people that my parents don't want me talking to, do the things they warned me about and be the person they don't know I am.
Sometimes I like to stare at ceilings and whisper to the stars.
Sometimes I like to feel everything at once and break things.
Sometimes I like to think the words on this screen come to life and get through to whoever may read it, but I simply don't know that.
Sometimes I believe im swinging my life on a power line,
It's spinning around and around and the wire is getting hot
But the fire feels a little nice and im losing grip.
Maybe I'll stop going in circles if I let go.

Sometimes I let guilt eat at me with the secrets I keep.
Sometimes I second guess how im living, if maybe it's gone a little too far.
Sometimes I think about you and how secure it was with you,
Now im spitting out lies and tasting different people on my tongue,
See all of their silhouettes dancing across the words in my head.

Sometimes I confuse the concepts of lust and love and I know she was the only love I've had in quite awhile.
Sometimes I get hooked on repetition,
Find something sweet within it.
Sometimes I think love is pain,
Because that's what I've come to know.
Sometimes I wonder why it isn't just as easy as they say it is,
To leave my mom.
But im almost accustomed to the pain I feel with her,
That a normal way of family just doesn't feel right.
I want slamming doors and screaming and the fucked up things she's done,
But it wouldn't be terrible to be without it.
I think it's something like apathy,
She's not the only source of pain I'll encounter.

Sometimes I think of the house at Narnia,
How she took me there at a dark hour
And we talked in the moonlight
And I was safe.
And it's odd that now cigarettes were shared there,
The first window broken by a boy with rough hands,
Then soon the rest were shattered by the very person who brought me there.
It says something.
Oh god I've got the urge to shatter something,
There are only so many windows you know.
Sometimes I ask myself why you'd tangle your life with mine,
Im a little disastrous.
I guess im hoping you can deny that for me as you read this
But Im starting to understand you wouldn't lie to me.
There's nothing wrong with mess,
And mess is all im made up of lately.

Here's my place at the dinner table,
Why do I feel like such a simple thing
Is so damn unstable
It's something I've never had,
Broken walls and promises
Must've been my fault, im sorry, my bad
Wondering why these faucets drip
Like they're sad,
Sadder than I,
Dirty dishes in the sink,
I'll get to them later, dad,
After I figure out why love is so cold,
And after the pain is all gone,
You know you're not 10 years old,
Ignorance is over,
You're years older
Than your mom drinking in the kitchen
She's got a man in the house
Says they're just friends but they got to kissing
And now she's pretending life isn't something she's missing,
Hoping I'll lie for her,
She hardly knows me, but it's me that she's dissing,
Ask what's wrong with my life
And I can't even list it
All at once,
These are the struggles that make you tough,
Shed a little blood
Get yourself off the ground,
Get the fuck up,
You gotta keep fighting,
Fighting's the only way out,
Because the fallout is
Guaranteed when you start to back down

What does it mean to leave?
Will I say im done and come back?
I just want to blast music under fluorescent light and dance and scream and show the world this music is in my body, this pen saves my fucking life.
I worry I talk about myself too much.
I worry I've become something far from what you know of me.
Im a bit unapologetic, though.

Love is panic,
Blood on the floor,
And sacrifice.
Love isn't easy,
It's staying in It
Because you've both seen shit

Recognition, I want more of it
Oh please just tell me im worth something
To tell you the truth
These motherfucking views
Don't mean nothing,
These scars are more honest than my mouth
Leave my footprints on the ground
I've walked this road alone,
Look at the love that I feel now.

These headphones are like an extra limb,
They work so naturally with my body.
These headphones are choking me,
It's not them,
You've got the chord between your fingers.

I like to end on positive notes,
But I write too darkly to do so.
But here's what I know-
Don't give up,
Freedom is worth the fight
There's a place with love,
It coexists with pain.
Hating anything, or yourself, for that matter
Is a w a s t e o f t i m e.
Love, don't stop,
You've got an infinite supply of the shit.
Accept what comes your way,
Roll with the punches and focus on surviving right now.
Focus on living for now.
Be as determined and headstrong as you want,
If you know what you're after and someone denies you of that,
Don't fucking listen.
Get knocked down?
Get back up,
You can handle it,
You've made it so far.
If you tell yourself you can make it out alive,
You will.
If you don't like something about yourself or your life,
You've got two options:
Change it or accept it.
Hating it won't make it go away.
We're all just human,
Do not do not do not
Give someone a greater power than that.
Appearance is a facade,
It's a goddamn lie.
Nobody knows what fake confidence or boldness is compared to the "real deal",
You can fake it till you make it.
Being strong doesn't mean you're never weak,
It's getting up from your failures and accepting it with willingness to learn from it.
Knowledge is everything,
Your mind is your greatest asset
(To me, it glows through your smile and drips through your eyes, paints your skin, and overpowers your physical attributes)
Love is the best thing we've got,
And I don't mean "the one" and getting married,
I mean fighting for a cause
And giving love,
Standing up,
Coming together.
You know what I'm talking about.
- (m.m)