7-5-16
I'm covered in scents that aren't mine,
Like somebody has crawled into my blood cells
and has been living there for the past three weeks.
Truth is, I probably wouldn't notice.
I'm caught up in light shows,
I'm spinning in circles like a hurricane.
I'm destroying,
And i am decaying.
But I am living,
I'm reminded everyday by the pulse running through my veins.
The only way to keep promises i don't usually make
And numb the heartache simultaneously
Is to blast the music so loud my headache makes me sick.
Turn the music down and I'm nothing,
A speck of dust waiting to be carried away.
And I guess it's odd that today feels so full,
I've been awake for so long,
It's different.
It's different to feel alive
When this week has been so difficult.
I ask myself why I'm reading what I'm reading and why I'm writing what I'm writing like there's supposed to be some meaning, some purpose to all of it and there isn't.
Or maybe there is and my head's too blinded by what tastes like apathy and looks like the death of /something/.
I've been over thinking,
I've been thinking of you, too-
I think those correlate somehow.

Examples:
Are we products of society or is society a product of us?

We're thirsty, we want water. We're hungry, we want food. We have an itch, we want to scratch it. Our first instinct as humans is to give in to our feelings. And we wonder why addiction is so hard to get over.

Life exists all over, in the trees and the stars, in the cool atmosphere of a night drive, in the people breathing and breaking and walking, in the airplanes in the sky, in the passing cars, in the current carrying the dark water, etc etc i could go on forever. If your life is beginning to fall apart, understand life still exists, even if yours is a mess. If the night always comes back and the currents always move the water, you'll be fine. Connect yourself to the world.

Love deeply. Love unconditionally. Your emotions and demons and circumstances are fighting like hell to live just like you are. We're all living, all surviving a life that's burdened by the weight of it over, we're all waiting for death, that's why some watch it so dangerously close (it'll lead you on, don't fall in love with death. She's there to fuck with your head, she'll slip through your fingertips so many times you don't know she'll pull you down, too, any day now), that's why some live so freely ("yolo" (In the wise words of mgk #DeathToYolo for real guys)), that's why some feel assurance that it all ends, that's why some see too much of it without anything really being deceased, that's why some live without regret because it's all going to be over anyways- none of it matters. Life is dependent upon death. Life isn't about living, it's about dying. Or living before you die. Or dying before you live. Or whatever the fuck it is. The American dream is so you don't die a broke motherfucker who works till they're 70 just to pay bills. It's about not suffering. That's what everyone is convinced of- life is better without suffering, worth it without suffering. That mindset is bullshit. You're hating suffering and if you hate anything at all you're wasting your time down here. Suffering is everywhere, embrace your pain. Embrace everything you know, everything you touch. Fill yourself ocean deep with love.

Over think. It's interesting. You'll learn so much about yourself and life, it's addictive. People will only shut that out because ignorance is what so many strive for, without even knowing it, because it's "easier". The simplicities of life are what people find joy in, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. "Ignorance is bliss and I've got this thing for misery" - (m.m) I'm here to tell you there's so much /more/ out there, though. Everything is complex, look closely, study it all, learn as much as you possibly can. Theres so much people don't know or don't realize or don't understand and it's all so fucking beautiful. I'm hooked on humanity. I'm a fucking addict.
- (m.m)

I've been over thinking, I think my brain is going to explode and scatter like stars across the sheets of black surrounding me. But idk i do hope what's above is somewhat understandable bc if i reread, I'll add more to it or lose my mind, or I guess both of those are possible at the same time lol imma write today, too, i didn't get around to updating that yesterday