6-16-16 (666 hehe) it's about 12:45 am
I can't slow my thoughts.
They'll keep me up tonight, this i know.

And maybe that's all I needed, was a cigarette to take me home,
Get that smell in the air and that smoke in my lungs.
It's fucking over goddamn it how do I cope with this?
Perhaps I should feel ashamed for liking this so much,
But my attitude has always said fuck it,
And that'll get me a little further away from shame.
I don't regret anything I do or feel.

I think im homesick already.
And maybe that's because here feels so much like home today.
There's cigarette scents hidden in boxes,
Skipped meals,
and now there's pain.
There's always pain, but this kind of pain hit me again.
I thought I was okay with you not accepting me.
I thought I was invincible and I guess I still am.
I thought I swallowed my lies easy,
But it seems they're catching up to me,
Everything is and oh god now isn't the time go the fuck away.

This pain carves at my chest.
I'm not enough for you.
I stand on solid ground that I am enough for me and I am enough for some people but I guess I thought I was getting close to that with you.
I thought wrong.
Did crying in your hallway mean nothing?
Did me thinking you were okay with who I am mean nothing?
Did all those drunk nights where I finally felt a little safer mean nothing?
("Tell me what lead you on, I'd love to know" -mgk)
I'm sorry, I fucked up, and I've disappointed you.
I know I'm not what you want,
Do you think i don't fucking see that?
I-
I'm not gonna linger at my fault lines.
I'm not going there.
I don't hate myself anymore and don't intend to go back there.

I tried to mask this pain and hide behind it,
but my eyes don't keep secrets today.
I just want to get away,
Escape this reality for a little while.
But I gotta face it no matter what and right now it hurts like a motherfucker.

I'm sorry for staining your pillowcases and I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted and I'm sorry I can't do anything right and I'm sorry I lie to you.
But this is who I am,
And you can't change that.
This is my life.
Being honest with you never felt like an option, really,
Not when I do the things I do and talk to the people I talk to.

Please won't you take me somewhere far away
Because I just need a way out right now,
Yet this is everything I love.
I just want to sleep for a long time.
I just miss the home that isn't home.
But I don't have many buildings that feel like home to me.
- (m.m)