6-14-16
That day feels so blurry and rushed.
All I remember is not feeling like that last day was final,
I saw you and slipped between doors and under bleachers and up stairs and chlorine and your cigarette smoke mixed nicely on my lips.
I went home and lost myself amongst the boxes and bags and moving furniture.
The shouts from the living room as I picked up broken glass and said goodbye to those walls (i miss you, by the way) represented the time I've served here.
And she started popping pills,
Trying to calm herself down.
And when she hugged me and said goodbye,
I knew she didn't mean it when she told me she'd miss me.
So I whispered things under my breath and I'm just now realizing it's all over and it's so fucking done and I'm so done and these days slipped by and my mom is a bitch and since when did I fucking wake up and i may not be of a great number of years but I know what i want and since when did I stop hiding yet it's all I do and I'm so fucked up sometimes and why have I not realized the music fucking saves my life and im in love with what I do and when did I become something I've always wanted to be and I've been lied to my whole life and im lying here on my bed listening to some marina and the diamonds track, in the dark with my lava lamp on and my phone is on my chest and I miss you and I love you and who the hell have i become like I've seen so much but it's not without a purpose and sometimes I sit here and hate myself and sometimes I can't help but love me and I've been feeling disconnected again but I love it because I need a break from reality and I'm in love with my emotions and I'm so tired but I've been sleeping so much lately and I'm sick of disappointing people and I hate this feeling and hey guys I'm an artist and why the hell is everything ending and FUCK IT ALL I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TO MAKE HER HAPPY AND HOW DO I SAVE A LIFE ISN'T THERE A WIKIPEDIA PAGE FOR THIS SHIT AND HOW DO I NOT SELL MY DREAMS FOR DRUGS AND HOW DO I HAVE A LITTLE MORE CONTROL LIKE I USED TO? LITERALLY ALL DAY I'VE FELT DEPRESSED AND THEN HIGH AND THEN DEPRESSED AND IT'S USUALLY NOT A TWO SECOND CHANGE THAT COULD LAST FIVE MINUTES OR FIVE HOURS. I'M TRYING TO HOLD ON. I'M TRYING TO SIFT THROUGH MY SHAME AND LIES AND THE TRUTH I SPIT OUT AT YOUR FEET RELIGIOUSLY. I SIFT THROUGH THESE MEMORIES. IT'S DARK IN MY LIVING ROOM NOW AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S WINTER AGAIN AND I WISH IT WAS DECEMBER BECAUSE IT WAS SIMPLER AND NOW IT'S COMPLEX BUT THAT'S THE ROAD I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE. WHEN DID I BECOME FIRE? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN THIS INVINCIBLE? I'M SO POWERFUL, I SEE DARK THINGS WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES. I WANT TO READ YOU LIKE A BOOK BUT YOU MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE. I NEED SOME COMFORT BECAUSE THE ANXIETY IS ROLLING IN AGAIN AND MAYBE IF I ATE ENOUGH AND STOPPED THINKING IT'D BE BETTER BUT I CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS. I'M NOT BURDENED BY ANYTHING WHEN I'M IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE. MY LIFE IS SO SHITTY BUT I'VE GOT THINGS TO LOVE. I SAT AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BATHTUB AND LET THE SHOWER RUN OVER ME AND I LISTENED TO TRAP MUSIC AND I FELT SO HEAVY BUT I STOOD AND FELT WEIGHTLESS AND I DON'T KNOW. MY HEAD IS GOING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT AGAIN AND I CAN'T SLOW DOWN FUCK I LOVE THIS I ALWAYS LOVE THIS BUT IT'S HARD TO LET IT OUT SOMEWHERE. IF I LISTEN TO MUSIC I CATCH IT'S RHYTHM WITH MY WHOLE BODY LIKE MY PULSE MATCHES IT AND I GUESS THAT KEEPS ME SANE OMG WHAT IS THIS LIKE I'M RANTING AND I CAN'T STOP AND CHOCOLATE BY THE 1975 JUST CAME ON AND I LOVE THAT SONG AND MATT IS SO CUTE AND I HAD CHOCOLATE ON MY GIRLFRIENDS BIRTHDAY BY A BONFIRE WITH MY FRIENDS LESS THAN A MONTH AGO. I CAN'T WAIT TO PROVE MY MOM WRONG. IDK WHERE MY HEAD'S AT, I'M FLOATING SOMEWHERE UP HIGH HIGH HIGH I'M IN SPACE I THINK. THIS IS WEIRD AND I SOUND 5 OOPS I'M SORRY.
- (m.m)

Manic episode?? Idk my head is so fucked up lol