Wig off, skirt off, fuck off

•

TAEHYUNG knocked on the door to Jimin's room and waited for him to answer. Inside the room, Jimin quickly checked his appearance before uttering a squeaky "Come in!"

It was lucky that Taehyung was such a gentleman or else Jimin would be caught in the first week itself.

He sat up as Taehyung opened the door.

"You needed something?" Jimin asked.

"Not really. I wanted to make you aware of something."

"Go ahead," Jimin signalled.

"Don't stay up late, you may order takeout for dinner. I will be attending a confederation of tea connoisseurs this evening and I might come home at an unearthly hour. Of course, this affects my sleep schedule more than yours, but I wished to make this clear."

Jimin nodded slowly, while a grin slowly grew on his face. "A confederation of tea connoisseurs?"

"Yes, I am a food critic. My focus is mainly on tea, however. Now that I think about it, I'm more of a tea critic, anyways. Have any critics visited your teashop?"

"Not really, business is a little slow since the shop is fairly new. I suppose you visit shops that have been around for at least five years?"

Taehyung smiled. "It is subjective. I visit shops that catch my interest. It doesn't matter if they're run by juveniles or by masters of the art."

Jimin wondered if he was insinuating that he was a juvenile but he could care less. It had been a month since he had moved in and he had become immune to the man's condescending remarks.

"Alright. However, I have a favor to ask of you, if that's not a problem."

Taehyung gave an affirmative to show that he was listening. Jimin went on:

"My friends have been, well, very curious to visit me ever since I moved. I used to live with them but had to move out since I had no peace of mind there. I have been putting off their visit since it might be an inconvenience to you. But if you are going to stay outdoors most of the day-"

"Permission granted. Just don't let them go anywhere other than the drawing room and your room. And tell them to bring their own snacks. No booze."

Saying so, Taehyung shut the door behind him, startling Jimin.

"Rude."

Sighing, he texted Hoseok and Jungkook the address and told them to bring some snacks and soft drinks while they were on the way.

As soon as his messages were read, he received a call from Hoseok.

"Yes?"

"Girl, no booze? This is pitiful. This reminds me back off the days the two of us couldn't visit fun places because Jungkook was still a minor."

A displaced retort from Jungkook could be heard in the background.

"Yes, no booze. Suck it up, hoe. And none of you are staying over, okay?"

"That's again, a pity. How I wished to meet your hot landlord that you rave about. You must have sucked up a lot to him to even suggest the idea, if that's what you say about his behaviour."

"Oh please, I don't rave about him. I would rather bury myself alive than kiss that horrendously hot man's ass."

"Well then, I suppose you would have to kiss my ass - unless you want an eviction notice," purred a silky baritone behind him.

If Jimin was a calico cat (oh yes), he would have jumped up, hit the ceiling and landed on his butt (despite being a cat). However, Jimin was a puny human (at least, that's what Moon Jiya from Nine Tails would have called him) so his reaction was less dramatic but equally amusing in the eyes of Kim Taehyung.

"Why are you eavesdropping on my very personal musings?" He screeched, throwing his mobile as a sudden reaction (luckily it landed on his bed since this is a fanfiction and those little things are expensive as fuck).

Offering no answer, Taehyung only dropped a printed slip of paper on the floor. Jimin eyed it with distaste.

"What's that?"

"A printed copy of the custom rules for tonight, in case you forget them. I have even texted them to you."

Jimin opened and closed his mouth, not unlike a goldfish. He didn't know whether to hurl back an appropriate response or actually hurl something.

"I included some extra rules that slipped my mind. Have fun. Sayonara." Taehyung exited the room.

Jimin called out in a whiny voice:

"I don't understand French!"

"It's Japanese," called back a bemused Taehyung. Jimin wrinkled his nose and gingerly picked up the paper. To his horror, the rules were typewritten in minute text and the list was long.

He crumpled the paper up and threw it in his sock drawer.

*

The bell rang twice: the first time it was a quick, short one and the second time it was a long, annoying stretch. Years of tolerance had equipped Jimin with the ability to distinguish who had rung the bell.

Displaying a grin identical to that of the Cheshire Cat, Jimin ran to open the door. Hoseok and Jungkook stood behind it, wearing smiles so devilish it would have put the ruler of Hell to shame. But they dropped as quickly as Jimin had opened the door.

"Jimin, why do you still have your wig on?" Jungkook pointed out.

"Oh," Jimin realised.

Hoseok did the work for him by plucking the blonde mess from his head as they both entered the house.

"Hey-"

"SWEET!" Hoseok whistled as he took in the atmosphere of the living space, which could be described in better detail a few chapters back. Jimin gently pushed him away from entering the drawing room and tactfully maneuvered his direction towards the stairs.

"What's in that?" Jimin asked, pointing at the heavy rucksack on Jungkook's back. "Did you just come back from college?"

"Nah, carrying my laptop for movies and the like. I bet your landlord didn't allow you to use the television."

Jimin opened the door of his bedroom when they reached upstairs. He opened his sock drawer and smoothed the rule sheet over.

"Yeah, he didn't."

*

After an hour of watching The Office, Jimin begged to take over the laptop. Jungkook gave in and so did Hoseok (after much coercion). Jimin went on YouTube and typed something in. Hoseok leaned forward to see and groaned.

"Ugh, Jimin! Solarsido, again? You can watch her without us too!"

"Hey, I like her! She's so cool and has the guts to come out of the closet unlike my cowardly self. If I can put up with you watching 365 Days then you can put up with me watching some of her challenges."

"No way! Hyung, you watched that crap?" Jungkook snickered. Hoseok blushed.

"I was curious, okay! And the porn wasn't that bad."

"Yeah, but it wasn't a porn movie, it was a Netflix release; which just happened to be a motley combination of every Wattpad writer's worst fantasies," Jimin smirked as he filled Jungkook in.

"When and how did this happen?" Jungkook asked, eager to jump on the Hobi-tease train.

"Never. Look, she uploaded a new video - it's a collaboration with Chuther," Hoseok attempted to distract the two.

He succeeded; well, half-succeeded. Jungkook found it necessary to remind Hoseok that once they got back home, he would get hold of the story of how the self-proclaimed "sole member with taste of the trio of losers" watched what could safely be considered the worst movie of the decade. Jimin was too mesmerized with Solar (the youtuber who ran the account Solarsido) trying to imitate her girlfriend Moonbyul's voice.

"I've been so tickled for this collaboration!" Jimin squealed. Hoseok decided to ignore the smirking idiot next to him when he saw how happy Jimin was.

"Has it been a while since you've watched her videos?" Hoseok asked, hiding a smile.

Jimin pouted, nodding in response. "I've just been on the edge with Mr. Kim. Knowing how careless I can be, I've refrained from ever relaxing around him. I'm sure even Seokjin and Namjoon must have noticed - why, Namjoon broke fewer stuff than usual out of fear because of the unusual temper-tantrums I've had."

"She really helps you relax, huh?" Hoseok chuckled.

"Yep! More than just that, in fact. She's just been such an inspiration, without even realising that I exist."

Hoseok stopped interrogating him and continued watching him watch his favorite youtuber.

After that, it was watching her bottle cap challenge for the nth time, then her dance cover of Yummy (even though Jimin despised the song with passion - Jungkook and he had vehement arguments regarding their dislike/like for Justin Bieber) and after that it was her 2020 medley.

Until Jungkook finally posed the burning question:

"So, how long are you gonna stay in that skirt?"

"Oh yes, you're finally talking sense. Strip for us, baby."

"HYUNG!"

*

It was half-past ten when Jimin finally managed to get rid of his friends (Hoseok pressed a package earnestly and said it would come handy - it turned out to be Kylie Kardashian's makeup brush collection).

He wiped beads of perspiration and rubbed his full stomach. Hoseok had stuffed him with his home-made (rock-hard) dumplings and Jungkook had obliged him with his (better-cooked) sushi. Wisely, most of the food was convenience store-bought and consisted mainly of microwave-heat fare.

"Time to watch some Solarsido and fall asleep to it," Jimin hummed and raced upstairs. He slipped into his (disguise) pink pyjamas and jammed his wig back on. He plugged his earplugs to his phone and tucked himself in the soft sheets. Solar's soft voice filled his ears and sleep descended on his eyes.

*

Taehyung carefully opened the door to his house at the crack of dawn. The oldies at the confederation were much too enthralled by him and surrounded him like a bunch of doting grandparents. 'Perks of being the youngest member,' Taehyung thought to himself. He checked the kitchen for any mess and found none. Even the dishes (he counted three) had been washed and waxed. The television had no fingerprints on them, the couch untouched (or unsat on, to be precise).

He quirked one of his well-shaped eyebrows, impressed.

Noticing the light of the upstairs room on, he clucked his tongue.

'Maybe she fell asleep without switching off the lights,' he reasoned as he ascended the stairs.

He creaked the door open and confirmed his assumptions. There she lay, her phone clasped in her hand, still playing whatever she was watching. Taehyung fancied that he saw a bit of black under all that yellow. Perhaps her dye was wearing off.

Curious, he inched closer and stole a glance at her phone's screen. His mouth fell open.

"What the ..."

He pried the phone from her fingers and placed it on her desk while remembering to exit the app.

He gave one last glance at Jimin and almost had a heart failure. He reached his hand out and gently pushed the hair off her face, thus resulting in literally pushing it off her head.

He slapped a hand on his mouth. Shaking his head, he quickly exited the room, forgetting his purpose in entering the room.

As he got into his own pyjamas, he spoke aloud:

"It's just a coincidence she watched my sister and probably just my sleepy self imagining her as a male. She must be wearing the wig for this very reason."

He bit his lip and exhaled.

"That must be it, Taehyung. Don't get ahead of yourself."

However, he couldn't remove the fact from his head that had Jimin been a man, he would have most definitely hit on her.

•

it's Jimin's birthday uwuwuwu

so i thot i would upload this extra long chapter as a birthday special for our babie

i refuse to believe this man is 25 he's only five okay

here are some pics i took of him from the online concert (rip the quality):

bye i love him sm

~maits.