XXI / All I Do Is Beg To Be Left Alone

THE CLOSER TO Os Alta their group gets, the slower they travel, the more people join them. And the more Vera feels like she is withering inside.

She understands Nikolai's reasons for his actions. Why they're stopping at every town, why he greets everyone, why he has the coach made and painted in the way it is, why they're sitting with the soldiers and not alone, why they arrive at dusk or dawn or in the shadows of churches.

Why he is always close to Alina.

They grew up in different countries, but the same world. Nikolai was raised and groomed for the Ravkan court as the second son of the King of Ravka, and Vera had always moved around the Fjerdan court like the stars did around the moon. For as long as her memory goes back– and beyond that– she's been bred and taught to smile and dance and to understand the makings of the courts and of the small talks between the power players alike. It's in her blood just as much as the fire is in her veins.

It's a clever thing, the way Nikolai has been orchestrating their travel through the country and towards the capital even before they set off. Vera couldn't have planned it out better if she tried. Couldn't have made it more successful. There are people coming to see them from afar, travelling with them, they're being greeted like heroes and saints and legends.

At least, Nikolai and Alina are. The people couldn't care less about the rest of them.

It's a roaring success.

And it makes Vera want to scream. It makes her want to grab Nikolai by the collar and carve pretty patterns into his skin or set things on fire. It even makes her unable to bear Alina's company. The way the twins are looking at her all the time, Vera is sure that she's no better than Mal, who's been sulking ever since he found out who Nikolai truly is.

Which is ridiculous if you ask her. She isn't Mal. She doesn't have any right to be like this. She's just a grisha without a voice and she should be glad she's not yet been lynched by the mob because she was serving the Darkling for the better half of a decade. In fact, she should be happy it's going this way because anything else would be wasted effort. She won't be with them for much longer. They should be doing everything exactly the way they are.

It's not much of a comfort, and when Alina eventually asks her if she'd be up to be a part of her guard, or at least be involved in everything to some degree because she trusts her, it doesn't make anything better. Vera only feels worse.

She feels like that little girl a lifetime ago, withering away in silence. Now, she is older and withering away again. Withering away more and more the closer they get to a place that was her paradise and salvation once.

"So, I heard you might join us in Alina's guard," Tamar's voice comes from where the Heartrender's horse stands to Vera's right, her golden eyes fixed on their surroundings as they wait for Nikolai and Alina to wrap up their stop is Tashta and enter the coach so they can continue.

Vera's stomach twists at the words but she only shrugs. "Maybe."

Tamar draws her eyebrows together, pondering about something before she continues. "I think it'd be a good idea. Nikolai's soldiers aren't grisha. They're outsiders and their loyalty will ultimately be to Ravka and not Alina." Vera tries not to think about the way her words insinuate that there might be a day when Alina and Ravka are on different sides they'll have to choose between. "Tolya and I are grisha, but we're outsiders too, because we weren't trained in the Little Palace. We're deserters to them."

She makes a disgusted face that makes it clear what exactly she thinks about that stance but Vera keeps quiet. She knows where Tamar is going with this, and she doesn't like it one bit. Because it means something and it shouldn't. It makes her want to scream.

"But you've grown up with them, you've trained with them. You're a part of the Second Army and the grisha that they respect. They know you."

Her glacier eyes slide over to Tamar. "But I'm not. Part of them, I mean. Not really." She's never been. She's always been apart. Because she's Fjerdan, because she's joined them later on than most others did instead of being found by testers and growing up together. Because of who she is. Vera will never be a part of the Second Army the way Fedyor or Zoya are. She'll always be apart from them. Like Genya. Like Alina.

Tamar gives her a flat look. "Alina trusts you most out of anyone here." She points out in response and Vera tries not to shift uncomfortably at the last part. "So I think you should consider it."

Suddenly, she's too tired to argue about this and make Tamar understand that she might have lived with the grisha of the Little Palace but she isn't living with them.

So, Vera only shrugs. "Maybe." She says again and feels like a fraud. Because she already knows it doesn't matter whether or not she wants to be at Alina's side– she won't be. Even if she stays in Os Alta, she can't be. Not the way Tamar or Tolya or Mal can.

Tamar watches her for another moment. "Good."

Vera turns her head back to the road, where they're reading themselves to continue just as Tamar's eyebrows draw together on a spot behind her and then dip. An expression somewhere between confusion, surprise and then exasperation shoots through her features before they smooth out again so fast, Vera thinks she's imagined it before she follows her gaze back to the coach.

Her stomach drops when she sees Nikolai and Alina in front of the open coach. Kissing.

She feels a little sick as she watches them, something roaring in her ears and it takes a long moment for her to filter through it all to register the applause and cheer from the crowd. Then they break apart and Nikolai leads Alina into the coach, the door closing behind them.

And all around Vera, the people of Ravka cry for the Sun Queen.

━━━━━

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Vera's teeth grind together with so much force, the pressure extends throughout her entire jaw. Really, what had she thought? That Nikolai was doing all this without this endgame? He's proposed to Alina already, for Djel's sake. It makes perfect sense in all ways and angles Vera looks at them.

Alina and Nikolai would be perfect for Ravka. Nikolai has the family name and the experience, Alina has the grisha and together, they have enough wit and love from the people enough for the entire royal bloodline of Ravka. It's the perfect solution, which is why Nikolai had proposed to Alina to begin with.

It shouldn't surprise her that this is where they're going.

And she sure as hell shouldn't have stuck around this long.

Because– what has she been waiting for? To watch them form a union and be together and fall in love some years down the road? Because who wouldn't fall in love if they got to be together with either of them?

She can't watch Nikolai fall in love with Alina from the shadows.

Vera feels a little sick at the thought. It's time to go. She feels it in her bones. It's beyond time to leave.

How stupid had she been to think to go to Os Alta where they'd executed the Darkling's loyal grisha and oprichniki? Where they'd just as likely execute her as well? The king and queen knew her. And they sure as hell were not inclined to merci towards one of the Darkling's grisha after everything.

So, Vera would leave before they could cut off her head. Or burn her at the stake like the people in her home had used to.

Clenching hands into fists, Vera closes her eyes, taking in a choked breath.

She thinks of the King of Ravka. She thinks of the Darkling. And finally, she thinks of her father.

She told the Darkling everything that first night. The only reason the Darkling has not let her truths become public knowledge is because of some sick and twisted game of cat and mouse he is playing with her, with Alina, with every single one of them. It's a bargaining chip, a secret that holds power. A thing that holds power over her. And he knows it.

She can't stay here. She can't be in Os Alta.

It's long since been time to leave this life behind. And the people in it.

Vera opens her eyes again, ignoring the faint tremor in her fingertips as she reaches out and stuffs her kefta into a bag she'd acquired somewhere along the way and where she'd hidden some coins, water and bread. In case she'd needed some and couldn't risk getting int a town or a market. Making sure her red hair, bound together in a long, tight braid that falls down her back, is hidden entirely beneath the black, plain coat and hood of the cloak she has on over it, Vera extinguishes all light in the room, drawing the curtains.

She needs to hurry before the dinner Alina and Nikolai had been invited to attend is over. She has better chances to disappear into the dark now, while they're still distracted. Vera sends a last look through the small bedroom she's been given before she slips out into the hallway.

The Duke's home is surprisingly quiet and when Vera doesn't encounter anyone by the time she slips into the cold air of the night and makes her way over into the gardens for more cover, Vera lets out a shallow breath. The real issue would be sneaking past the gates and outside. With the prince and the Sun Summoner inside, security was already high but the more pilgrims joined their procession towards Os Alta, the more Nikolai had heightened their number of guards and measures to keep the situation under control before it could ever get out of control in the first place.

She could either try to make it past them unnoticed or she'd have to make it through the gate by thinking up an excuse why she'd leave alone, in the dark and dressed up to be unnoticed as best as she can. The safest bet for that would probably be that Nikolai had send her on a message run or had some job for her that had to be executed with discretion but also required someone who'd be able to take care of themselves... if they let her past without running to Nikolai directly.

As Vera enters the gardens, slowly approaching the direction leading to the gate, she decides that she'd take a look at the situation first. Maybe she could try go get over the gates at another place in the premises where no guards were stationed. That way nobody would even think to check for her until she didn't show up tomorrow morning and it'd buy her some time...

But then again, does she need to buy herself time? Who would even bother to come after her at all with Ravka's current situation?

"You know, some of my men might find you of all people sneaking around the in the dark a little suspicious."

Vera comes to a sudden halt at the sound of the voice coming from behind her. She wants to scream. Out of all people, why him?

Djel, how did he even notice it was her in the dark, with the cloak?

Steeling herself, Vera turns around, finding Nikolai a few steps away from him. "Anything I'd do would be suspicious to some of your men," she points out in reply and Nikolai shrugs.

"Maybe. But usually, it's not to me." His eyes take in her bag, her coat, the clothes that are distinctly not her kefta. "What are you doing out here?"

"I thought you were supposed to have dinner right now?"

It's a pathetic attempt to change the course of their conversation and he must know it. But he still answers, "I had. But I'm sorry to report that the company wasn't as riveting as I'd hoped."

Vera's shoulders stiffen. "Right." She says with a cold laugh and Nikolai's eyebrows draw together a little but she continues before he can say anything. "I saw your company on the way to the dining room. I find it hard to believe the evening wasn't riveting with Alina looking like that."

Beautiful. Heartstoppingly beautiful. Vera can't even blame Nikolai for wanting her when she looks like that.

Nikolai blinks. Slowly. "I was more referring to the Duchess trying to squeeze my knee under the table the entire time," he says at last. "But yes, it was absolutely rewarding watching Alina gaze longingly out of the window all night."

Vera wants to tell him that she doesn't care and it isn't any of her business, but the words that come out are, "She didn't look at anyone else this morning."

The moment they leave her mouth, she wants to slap herself.

Nikolai's eyebrows rise up. "What?"

Vera presses her lips together into a firm line, heat crawling up her neck.

She swears that there's the ghost of a small, smug smirk tugs on the corner of his lips. Just a split second and then his expression is the same again and she is certain that it's only her imagination running wild, making her stupid.

Nikolai takes another step to her, closing the distance between them bit by bit. "I didn't realize you were looking."

Earlier. When he was kissing Alina in front of an audience of an entire town, countless pilgrims and their group.

She lets out a scoff. "I wasn't," Vera replies, but the lie tastes like ash on her tongue. And before she can stop herself from digging her own grave deeper, she continues. "And even if I was, it wouldn't be any of my business. But I guess congratulations are in order. Alina's great. She's kind and she's strong and she's special. And she's beautiful. She will make a great queen for you."

Nikolai stares at her for a long moment, looking a little gobsmacked. "You sound jealous." His voice sounds both surprised and wondrous all at the same time.

Vera bristles, indignation rising in her. "I'm not." She snaps defensively.

He doesn't look like he believes her at all, still that look in his eyes like he's just witnessed one of the Ravkan saints performing a miracle right in front of his nose. His voice is softer, gentler, when he says, "Alina isn't who I want to my queen. You have to know that."

Vera can't help herself- she lets out a derisive snort. "Yeah, ruling isn't about what you want but what the country wants. I know. You're not the first royal I've met in my life."

"You're not listening to me."

"No, you're not listening to me!" Her voice breaks at the edge, her eyes burning.

"Then what are you saying?" Nikolai shoots back, eyes flashing and Vera's throat bobs.

"I can't stay here. I can't come to Os Alta with you. "There. It's out. She's spoken the words into existence.

Even if they were choking her all the way out.

"What?" Nikolai rears back a little. Staring at her. "You can't seriously want to run away, because of what- me and Alina? Kissing once?" Nikolai points out and anger flashes through Vera's chest, pushing back the desperation and agony and cleaving hole in her chest that's choking her alive.

"That's not what this is about!" She snarls, a hint of the wolf in her blood peeking through at last.

"So you just want to jump ship before it sinks."

"This has nothing to do with what I want!"

"Then what do you want?" He exclaims, a challenge in his eyes.

Vera falls silent, her eyes wide as she stares up at him before she falls a step back but Nikolai makes a step after her in response, following her like he's a predator stalking prey. "What do you want, Vera?" Her says in a low, rough voice that makes her heart feel things that are foreign to the organ in her chest.

No words come out of her mouth.

Then, Nikolai is in front of her again, in her personal space, so close that if she shifted only an inch, she'd be touching him. Vera goes wholly still as he reaches up and pulls the hood of the cloak from her head. "What do you want, Vera?"

You. Her heart, that dead, numb organ in her chest, want to say. I want you.

Since the day she was born, Vera has she yearned for that she knew in her very bones, she could never have.

Nikolai Lantsov is one of them.

Speaking the words into the world would be her death warrant.

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. Her throat bobs as her heart begins to beat an irregular tune. She has to leave, right now. And still, she can't look away from him.

With shaking hands, Vera reaches up to him, her hands hovering just next to his jaw.

I want you.

Vera shakes her head silently, breathing in his scent, basking in his warmth as she closes her eyes. Just for a moment. Before she has to go.

It's only when Nikolai's thumb grazes across her cheek, gently wiping away wetness there that she realizes tears a slipping from her eyes and down her face.

Nikolai stares at them, both horrified and awestruck. "Vera."

A choking sound escapes Vera's lips.

She doesn't know who of them moves first but then Nikolai's hands are back on her cheek and her chest presses against his and their lips meet.

Nikolai kisses her hungrily, like a drowning man. Like this is the moment he comes alive again and Vera clings to him frantically, her fingers clinging to his coat before she lets out another sob, shaking but Nikolai only holds her tighter before she breaks away again.

"I can't be here," Vera says, choking on the words. On the truth. Wanting to stay right here in this very moment until the end of days. Wanting to never leave him.

Then, she is kissing him again.

Without breaking off the contact, Nikolai wipes the tears from her face again before wrapping his arms around her, pulling her against him and Vera wraps her hands around his neck. Until no space remains between them.

She's coming undone. Something is cracking wide open in her chest.

He's piecing her right back together at the same time.

Nikolai's fingers dig into her hips as if he wants to crawl inside her body and straight into her soul and Djel, in this moment Vera might let him. Might let him see anything and everything, might bear even the darkest depths of her being to him if he doesn't leave. If he continues to kiss her like that. Like he's the sun and she's the moon and they're colliding at last.

Like she's the only person in this world.

Like his world begins and ends with her.

Like worship.

And then dull footsteps sound through the garden, coming towards them and Vera staggers back, out of Nikolai's grasp just before guards round the corner. "Your highness," one of them says, urgency in his voice as he stops a few feet away from them, not giving Vera even a single glance.

But Nikolai's attention is still fixed wholly on her, his chest heaving. His fingers curling together and stretching out again like he's about to reach for her.

A tremor runs through Vera, her chest feeling like there's not enough air in the gardens. And the only thing that'll breathe life into her again is him.

But their time is up and finally, Nikolai's eyes move over to the guards behind him. "Yes?"

"There's some commotion with the pilgrims at the gate." The guard explains.

There's a soft frown on Nikolai's face, so small Vera wouldn't have noticed if her eyes hadn't been on the prince. If she hadn't known how to read him well enough to even notice the shift in his expression at all in the first place to begin with. "And?"

"They're saying they're grisha," the guard adds with a glance to Vera.

She jolts a little, her head snapping to the guard. "What?"

"They're saying they're grisha, but-"

Vera doesn't hesitate, running past them and towards the gate. Behind her, she can hear someone curse under their breath before they follow her.

As the gate comes into view, Vera can make out the crowd in front of them and the guards facing them, hands on their weapons. A few steps away are Alina and the twins, Mal next to the Summoner.

She's almost made it to them when Nikolai's hand wraps around her upper arm, stopping her. "Vera," he hisses so quietly, only she can hear him. "You need to think first."

Vera doesn't give a shit about thinking. Not when she sees a familiar, dark-haired head between the crowd and a sob wrecks her body. "Open the gate," she chokes out in a whisper and Nikolai's muscles tense a little behind her.

"Open the gate." Vera echoes, louder now, her voice frantic.

The Heartrender at the other side of the gate has gone wholly still at her voice, his eyes zeroing in on her and then Vera has shaken herself free from Nikolai's grip and she is running again.

She doesn't hear Nikolai's command but then the gate opens just a little and then he's running too. Past the guards and colliding straight with her, his arms wrapping around her, squeezing her tight against him. Like he's never going to let her go again.

Vera clings to Fedyor. like a lifeline as she cries into his shoulder, sobbing loudly.

He doesn't let her go for a long time.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

(i know i adjusted the timeline/oder of the trip back to os alta a little but i hope you guys will have it in your heart to fogive me) 

hahhaha verolai nation how are we feeling?????