XVI / The Problem With Wanting

A PROBLEM VERA has come to realize since she found her way to the captain's cabin, where she's supposed to spend her time until they rendezvous with the mysterious client Nikolai supposedly is bringing them to, is that the sailors on the Volkvolny might be smart and they might be quick. But they don't know her.

Nikolai does.

It means he has an advantage to read all the tiny tells and emotions in her. It also means he knows her from a time when she was younger. When she'd come to Os Alta at fourteen, she'd already been good at hiding her thoughts and feelings behind a mask of calm, cold nothingness. It'd been a necessary skill to learn in Fjerda to survive.

But, in comparison to today, she'd still worn her head on her sleeve for everyone to see. Especially around Nikolai.

And she doesn't like that fact one bit.

It makes her plan to get off this vessel, find somewhere to hide, and figure out a plan how to deal with the fallout of her actions, so much more complex.

At least, on the bright side, she's got all the important information right at her fingertips now that she's been assigned to sleep in the captain's cabin; the entire place is littered with charts and Vera would bet some money on the fact that if she looked, she'd find all the information she needed.

Blowing out a long breath, Vera leans back where is lying in a hammock, flipping the dagger in her hand over and over. She'd since cleaned the blade of Ivan's blood and polished it, no trace of the events of what happened on the whaler left on it.

"Gee, what did that poor knife do to you?"

Vera's eyes shoot to the entrance just as Nikolai steps into the cabin, closing the door behind him, her gaze narrowing narrow she flips the knife over again while he lets himself fall into the chair at the desk.

"Maybe I'm imagining your face."

Nikolai gives her a grin in response and her eyes narrow further before she turns back to the blade, beginning to flip it over in her hand again.

"It's a pretty weapon," he says and when Vera looks back at him, she finds him watched her intently. "If I remember correctly also the one you used to slit another Grisha's throat not too long ago."

He realizes his mistake the moment Vera's body tenses, her eyes becoming cold steel. At once, her hand stops and the weapon goes still as she sits up. Before, Vera had been relaxed, open. Now, she was poised for attack, her walls back up before he even registered it happening.

"Is that why you're here?" Vera says quietly, an edge in her voice that sounds almost like she is challenging him to admit she is right.

She isn't. Still, Nikolai finds himself drawing up an eyebrow, curious to see how she will react next when he shrugs, "And what if it is?"

Vera leans towards him slightly. "I'm going to say this once, and only once," She says, a quiet, lethal edge to her tone. "I will not discuss my motives with you and I will not have lengthy discussions about feelings, either. I do not care about your precious rules on this ship. You can either toss me overboard if you disagree with my presence here or leave me be."

He's still lounging in his chair, still looking at here more like she's a fascinating riddle than anything else. Like he cannot wait to open her up and read her secrets and pasts buried in her as if she's nothing but a good book he's just gotten his hands on.

"And what if I don't?"

For a moment, Vera looks at Nikolai before she slips off the hammock, the dagger disappearing beneath her kefta so effortlessly it almost seems like a magic trick.

"I don't think that is something you'd like to find out, Sobachka." Vera says, making her way to the door.

"We'll have dinner with Alina and Mal here later." Nikolai calls after her.

Vera does not look back at him again as she leaves the cabin.

━━━━━

She does end up joining them for the dinner in Nikolai's cabin, albeit more on Alina's efforts to convince her than because of anything else. Mostly because she doesn't like the idea of the two of them alone with Nikolai because she has no idea how to predict what he might do.

She doesn't even know if one can, at all.

So, instead of spending the night in peace and alone somewhere on the ship, Vera watches in silence from her seat next to Nikolai and across from Mal and Alina as the conversation between Mal and Nikolai unfolds in front of her, haltingly at first, but the longer they got into the meal, the easier the words came.

Next to Mal, Alina looks like she is pondering something over and over in her head and not paying any attention to what the two were talking about at all.

Not that the rifles used on Zemeni frontiers were all that much of captivating conversation material, but Vera supposes any information is useful at this point.

Maybe the fact that Nikolai was bringing a shipment of arms was useful, but other than that all she can do is watch them drink and talk and Alina mulling over whatever it is that's stuck in her head. Probably the seven golden scales they'd given her from the sea whip's body.

"I like him," Mal says behind her when they have at last left the cabin, Alina dragging them along and up to the deck to some stop a little more hidden from the eyes of the sailors on watch duty. Vera tilts her head up into the cold night air, a soft breeze gently caressing her long, red hair. "I mean, he talks too much, and he'd probably steal the buttons from your boots, but he's not a bad guy, and he seems to know a lot about -"

"Will you shut up?" Alina hisses quietly, cutting him off. "I want to show you two something."

Mal blinks slowly. "No need to be rude," he mutters as Alina tugs him closer towards Vera, pulling out a familiar, small object from her pockets. The red book with the illustration of Sankt Ilya Nikolai had given her when they'd talked on deck earlier, Vera realizes.

"Look," Alina says, pushing the page with Sankt Ilya closer to them, a small glow shining down on the pages from her palm.

It takes Vera a long moment to see what Alina is referring to. Her eyebrows draw together and only the urgency in Alina's expression keeps her from biting a sharp comment and leaving them to find herself a quiet corner preferably without the pirate captain who'd been following her everywhere the past weeks.

She tilts her head as she musters the illustration. There was the Stag as Sankt Ilya's feet, and the sea whip behind him in the water and behind Sankt Ilya's left shoulder, over a towering stone arch in the distance ...

Vera eye's snap up to Alina and for a brief heartbeat, she sees the confirmation in the other's eyes just as Mal takes in a sharp breath. "There's a third." Vera says.

Mal traces the contours of the bird. "It can't be."

"The stag was real. So was the sea whip." Alina points out.

"But this is ... different."

Vera frowns slightly, combing her memories for what he's referring to. There's no story she can remember that has any sort of firebird in it, no ballad or folksong or Grisha legend that she can think of that might fit.

But maybe that's exactly it.

"Sankt Ilya," Mal says quietly.

"Ilya Morozova." Vera points out before she really knows what she is doing and Mal looks between them.

"A Grisha saint?"

Alina's fingertips trace the fetters on Sankt Ilya's arms almost absentmindedly. "Three amplifiers. Three creatures. And we have two of them."

Mal shakes his head before he shuts the book, giving it back to Alina. "What are we supposed to do with this?" He demands and Vera's glacier eyes slit over to him at the way his voice is hardening, sounding increasingly angry.

"Mal..." Alina says quietly, looking to Vera. "Sturmhond has Fabrikators in his crew. He thinks I should use the scales... and I think he might be right."

"What?"

"The stag's power isn't enough. Not to fight the Darkling. Not to destroy the Fold."

"And your answer is a second amplifier?"

"For now."

"For now." Mal runs a hand through his hair, agitated. "Saints. You want all three. You want to hunt the firebird."

"The illustration-"

"It's only a picture, Alina. It's a drawing by some dead monk."

"But what if it's more? The Darkling said Morozova's amplifiers were different, that they were meant to be used together."

"So now you're taking advice from murderers?"

"No, but-"

"Did you make any other plan with the Darkling while you were holed up together belowdecks?"

Vera snorts.

Both ignore it.

"We weren't holed up together. He was just trying to get under your skin."

"Well, it worked. Someday I'm going to put an arrow through that bastard's neck."

Vera almost laughs at that. Instead, she only turns her eyes to Mal. "I'd like to see that attempt, Oretsev," she says and Mal's eyes narrow on her.

"I don't see how this is any of-" he begins and Alina lays a hand in his arm.

"You found the stag, and you found the sea whip," she says softly. "Maybe you were meant to find the firebird, too."

Mal lets out a bitter laugh. "I'm a good tracker, Alina, but I'm not that good. We need somewhere to start. The firebird could be anywhere in the world."

"You can find it. I know you can." Alina says with a conviction Vera does not feel in the slightest.

Mal lets out a long sigh. "I don't remember anything about Sankt Ilya."

"Me neither," Alina admits. "But that arch must mean something."

"Do you recognize it?"

Alina frowns in thought before she shakes her head. "No."

"Of course. That would be too easy." Mal mutters and the two turn to Vera.

She draws up an eyebrow at him. "It isn't my faith who holds those saints," she reminds them. She only knows just about enough to have some idea about it all. Ilya is the smallest exception for his Grisha work. And that doesn't cover anything about a mythical firebird.

Mal's features darken as he reaches out and gently touches the collar around Alina's neck. "How do we know what these things will do to you?"

"You don't," Vera says before Alina even gets a chance to try and deny it.

Mal gives Alina a look, a question in his eyes and she shrugs in answer. "But you want them anyway. The stag. The sea whip. The firebird."

For a long moment, Alina doesn't answer him, her face tipped up to the sky, her eyes watching the stars glittering above them. "We need them. All three. If we ever want to stop running." She says at last.

"All right." Mal says quietly and Vera watches as he presses a gentle kiss on Alina's lips.

It feels more like watching an execution letter being signed than a display of love.

When they part, Alina looks at Vera. "What do you think?"

She nearly scoffs. Alina's made her decision already; what does her opinion now matter?

She gives it to her, anyways. "I think it is the worst idea you have had so far. I think we both know what the laws of nature say on the number of amplifiers a Grisha can have and I think we both know it was that temptations that's now taking root in you that was in the Black Heretic, too. It's exactly what led to the Fold." She takes a step to Alina. "Do what you want. It's not like I can stop you anyways at this point."

━━━━━

On the third knock, Nikolai opens the door to his cabin with a half-grin. "And there I thought you'd camp out there the entire night just to make a point."

Vera stares at him without any signs of reaction before she steps aside, revealing Alina behind her, Mal at her left.

She doesn't wait for them to explain their stupidity to him, instead turning on her heel and marching back up to the fresh air, leaning against the mizzenmast.

Soon after Alina and Mal join her again, Nikolai appears with a crewmember Vera assumes is a Fabrikator, Yelena, Tamar and Tolya in tow. On the edge of the way below deck, Vera can just make out Mila glancing at them from the shadows, obviously curious and obviously trying to hide from the others.

Nikolai claps his hands together. "Evening, all. Perfect night for tearing a hole in the universe, no?"

Vera's pale eyes snap to him while the Fabrikator examines the scales and the collar if to say. You do something about this.

Nikolai only shrugs. What am I supposed to do?

Never mind this is his ship and his Fabrikator enabling Alina's insane plan.

At last, the Fabrikator turns back to Nikolai, biting her lip. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course not. Anything worth doing always starts as a bad idea."

Next to him, Vera scowls as if she's considering tossing him overboard and boiling him alive as she crosses her arms in front of her chest before she watches the Fabrikator work on the fetter.

When she's done with her work, Vera watches as Nikolai leans forward to peer at the fetter of shimmering gold scales on Alina's wrist. "Huh," he says, sounding almost disappointed to Vera's ears. "I thought the end of the world would be more exciting."

Vera's is about to at last give into the urge to choke the life out of him with her bare hands because this is not the time for jokes and jabs when Alina looks at their little group. "Stand back," She orders and Vera purses her lips, but follows the others, Mal joining them after a moment.

It's difficult to describe what comes next. One moment, the night is calm, the stars above them and the waves around the Volkvolny. Then, almost like a dam breaking, the light shoots out from alone, blinding and white and heat engulfs them and Vera heard the others duck, as she closes her eyes because otherwise there's a good chance she'll actually go blind in this light. This isn't just sunlight. It's a beast that'd been asleep and now had been woken by them, at last cracking one eye open.

Vera doesn't think they want to see what happens when it fully wakes.

"Alina!" She yells when nothing happens and the light does not change, still bursting out from the other Summoner.

Blindly, Vera makes her way to where Alina is standing by memory, willing her feet to stay steady, her legs not to falter as the heat increases the closer she gets to her. This isn't heat like with her fire. This is something entirely different.

"Alina!" She yells again, panic beginning to take root in her chest, climbing up her throat as she reaches for her blindly and for a moment it threatens to overrun her until her hands grasp Alina's coat, and then she has hold of her.

She pulls Alina towards her, shaking her a little as she takes hold of her shoulders. When nothing changes, she makes herself think. Alina doesn't want this display. She'd never had any contact with such a power. She was a Grisha for less than a year, as far as she'd been aware. This was just like it'd been for Vera in those nightmares, or when she'd been unable to control her own fire as a young girl.

Alina needed to come back to her senses, but not this way.

So, Vera does something she hasn't done in forever. Not with anyone but Fedyor since the day she left her childhood home. She wraps her arms around Alina and tugs her back against her chest a near-crushing hug. "Alina," Vera says, her voice softer now. "Remember who you are. Where you are. This doesn't control you. It's a part of you. Like your legs. Like your lungs. Like your heart. Remember what it is like to have them. It's just another part of you now."

Slowly the light fades, ebbing away until it is nothing more than a gentle glow along the deck and Vera blinks as her eyes adjust to the sudden darkness around her, her head ringing faintly. Alina lets out a small, choked sound and at last she begins to relax against Vera's grip.

When her eyes adjust to the dark around her, Vera finds the rest of the group kneeling at the railing, gaping at them, Mal already halfway to them.

Again a sense of dreadful finality washes over her. There's no going back anymore. Their actions cannot be undone. She'd once heard David mention that to undo the collar might have catastrophic consequences that would make the Fold look like child's play. She doesn't think it's any different with the cuff that's now around Alina's wrist.

A wave of nausea twists in her stomach as her thoughts begin to race. She lets go of Alina so abruptly, the other girl wavers a little as Mal reaches Alina and begins pressing light kisses on her cheeks, her hair.

"Well Summoner, you certainly know how to put on a show." Nikolai says as he rises back to his feet, clearing his throat a little. He is addressing Alina, but his eyes are on Vera.

She cannot name what she sees in them, but she does not like it at all.

AUTHOR'S NOTE
next chapter is gonna be a bit of a time skip cause we gotta get going further into siege and storm bcs vera needs fedyor to keep her grounded and stop her from committing arson spontaneously 🏃‍♀️ also i kind of need the change in scenery tbh lmao (but also first we'll have another nikolai/vera AND a vera/alina scene as well)

also, live footage of alina catching vera watching her to make sure she's alright despite insisting she does not give a fuck about any of them:

it's so obvious it's just sad at this point like they all know vera cares for alina and will kill for her except vera she's still in denial just like in a proper slow burn 350k fanfic <3