XV / The Pasts Inside Me

EVENTUALLY, NIKOLAI ORDERS the sails trimmed, calling to a halt and the Grisha who'd worked on keeping them afloat and moving since they left the whaler behind fall against each other in exhaustion. Vera watches from her place against the railing, only a few steps away from where Alina and Mal have sunken down, huddled next to each other, as Nikolai moves among his crew, talking to them just as a girl appears from beneath the deck. Within seconds, she's made her way through the crew, flinging herself into Yelena's arms. "Yelena!"

The older woman gives her an identical smile and wraps her arms around the girl.

Vera blinks, slightly surprised. It's like looking through time and seeing Yelena as a young girl. It feels a little like getting whiplash, too.

For the first time in her life, Vera can imagine what other people might have felt when they saw Livia and her together.

"I was worried!" The girl says in perfect Kerch.

"Well," Yelena replies, as fluently as the girl in the language. "We were held up a little."

"That's what worried me." The girl points out, shooting Nikolai a withering look.

Nikolai looks between the two, blinking. "Whatever she just said," he says in Ravkan. "I plead not guilty."

The girl huffs.

Yelena gives her a grin, tapping her nose before she slips out of her hug. "She said we were too late." She replies.

Nikolai turns to the girl. "Don't tell me you were worried, Mil."

The girl glowers at him. "I said you're stupid." She replies while Tamar reaches out and ruffles her hair.

"Sorry we're late." She says, and before the girl has time to retort or to smooth her hair out, Tolya sweeps her up into a hug.

"You didn't have to worry, everything went fine." The Heartrender adds with fond smile.

"I said I wasn't worried." The girl mutters, pouting slightly.

Clearly, regardless of whether they have any knowledge of the Kerchc language or not, none of them believe her.

With a last wink to the girl, Nikolai makes his way into the direction of the three of them, still standing against the railing, pulling out a knife and instinctively, Vera tenses. Next to Alina, Mal takes a step in front of the Sun Summoner, his eyes hardening as he levels his pistol at the captain.

As once, Vera hears the sounds of the entire crew drawing their weapons.

"Easy," Nikolai says. "I've just gone to a lot of trouble and expense to put you on my ship. Be a shame to fill you ill of holes now." HE flips the knife over, offering the hilt to Alina. "This is for the beast."

"What beast?" The girl frowns from next to Yelena.

"Haul it in," Nikolai tells his crew and, on Tamar's orders, a group of sailors bring the body of the sea whip onto the deck with a loud thumb.

The sea whip thrashes in the robes, snapping at them, and as one, they all tense, turning to the beast. Making her way to Nikolai's side, the girl cocks her head at the creature, wrinkling her nose. "What is that?"

"An amplifier." Nikolai replies and the girl's eyes widen, her hands going to her neck in a movement that seems almost unintentional. Vera can just make out the faint glimmer of a necklace around her neck, disappearing into her jacket. He turns his attention back to Alina. "As I understand, you have to be the one. Go on, we need to get moving. The Darkling's ship is disabled, but it won't stay that way."

When Alina still hesitates, he holds the hilt of the knife higher and Vera recognizes the familiar glint of Grisha steel on the blade. "I just lost thirteen good men. Don't tell me it was all for nothing."

Alina looks back to the sea whip, uncertainty and hesitation in her eyes. Vera thinks back to the Permafrost and the Stag. Alina had not been able to kill the animal back then; she can see it in her expression that she isn't willed to do it now either.

Blowing out a quiet breath, Vera pushes away from the railing, turning to Alina. "It's gonna die anyway, regardless of whether it's from your hand or not." She tells Alina. Now it's only a matter of whether or not they make this death count. Whether or not they put it to use. But because she knows Alina, Vera says instead, "It's suffering now. It would be a mercy to end it."

Alina's dark eyes meet hers as she takes the knife into her hands and Vera can see the question in her head. But is this mercy?

Sometimes mercy is putting down a weapon. Sometimes mercy is using it.

Maybe she could have given Alina a piece of her thoughts. Maybe she could have talked to her about it explained it to her, coaxed her into seeing her side. But she's Vera and Alina is Alina and so she stays silent.

Instead, Mal steps to Alina's side. "End it, Alina, for Saints' sake." He says quietly, taking the knife from her hands and tossing it onto the ground with a loud clatter. Vera watches in silence as the two take one of the harpoons in the sea whip's body and the next moment, they push it deeper into the creature's body. With a shudder, it goes still.

When Tamar and Tolya have worked a few of it's shimmering scales free, handing them to Alina, Nikolai steps forward again. "Let us bow our heads for the men lost today. Good sailors. Good soldiers. Let the sea carry them to safe harbour, and may the Saints receive them on a brighter shore."

It's the echo of a familiar, Fjerdan prayer that seem lodged into Vera's very bones.

Looking out to the sea, Vera pushes the old words in a language speaking to her soul back down, down, down, as Yelena first repeats the prayer in Kerch, then Tamar in Shu.

"Saints receive them," Nikolai says and the crew echoes his words.

Vera feels like an intruder, a sense of unbelonging so loud in her chest, all she can feel is the roaring need to get away from this ship.

But where can she go?

She has nothing left. There is no way out. This is all she still has.

It doesn't make her feel like she should be here any more.

"We need to move. The whaler's hull was cracked but the Darkling has Squallers and a Fabrikator or two, and for all I know one of these monsters can be trained to work hammer and nails. Let's not take any chances." Nikolai turns to Privyet. "Give the Squallers a few minutes to rest and give me a damage report, then make sail."

"Da, kaptian," Privyet pauses for a moment. "Kapitan... could be people will pay good money for dragon scales, no matter the color."

With a slight frown, Nikolai nods at the sailor "Take what you want, then clear the deck and get us mobbing. You have our coordinates."

Vera narrows her eyes at Nikolai as a few of the crew members began cutting scales off the sea whip's body. What coordinates exactly?

Next to her, Alina's face contorts into a grimace and she turns her back to them just as the girl makes her way to them, halting right in front of Vera. She seems utterly unphased by the fact that her fellow sailors were cutting apart an animal right on the deck. She musters the three of them for a moment before she holds her hand out to Vera. "I'm Mila."

Vera stares at her, mustering her up and down. Painfully aware of the entire crew of pirates she's fairly certain are watching her like they're ready to end her the moment she says the wrong thing to Mila. At last, the Inferni says, "Vera."

Mila draws her eyebrows up, her eyes flitting over to Nikolai, looking like she is about to remark something as he stop behind her, placing his hands on the girl's shoulders. "I don't think I quite like the idea of the two of you getting to know each other," He admits with a look down to Mila. "You're entirely enough trouble on your own."

In response, the girl pokes out her tongue at Nikolai.

A small grin tugs on his lips before he looks to Alina, his expression sobering. "Don't judge them too harshly."

"It's not them I'm judging," Alina points out. "You're their captain."

Vera can almost see Mila's hackles rising at the hostility in Alina's voice; her eyes flashing in a ferocity and protectiveness that is entirely too harsh to a girl that cannot be older than thirteen or fourteen, Vera thinks. Then again, she supposes she had that ugly rearing in her, too, when hse was Mila's age.

Nikolai gives her shoulders a gentle squeeze. "And they have purses to fill, parents and siblings to feed. We just lost nearly half our crew and took o rich prize to ease the sting. Not that you aren't fetching."

Alina's eyes narrow. "What am I doing here? Why did you help us?"

"Are you so sure I have?"

"Answer the question, Sturmhond," Mal says, looking annoyed. "Why hunt the sea whip if you only meant to turn it over to Alina?"

"I wasn't hunting the sea whip. I was hunting you." Nikolai says, and Vera turns her attention back to him fully. She isn't sure what to make of his words.

She isn't sure she likes them, either.

"That's why you raised a mutiny against the Darkling? To get at me?" Alina says, disbelief coating her voice.

"You can't very well mutiny your own ship."

"Call it what you like, just explain yourself."

Nikolai is silent for a moment, before he pats Mila, who has crossed her arms at this point and is glaring at Alina and Mal, on the shoulder before he leaves his place and leans against the railing. "As I would have explained to the Darkling had he bothered to ask – which, thankfully, he didn't – the problem with hiring a man who sells his honour is that you can always be outbid."

Alina's jaw drops open. "You betrayed the Darkling for money?"

She looks like sha cannot believe her own words. Unfortunately, from what she has seen of Nikolai so far, Vera can very much believe it.

Nikolai gives her a look. "Betrayed seems like a strong word. I hardly know the fellow."

Vera snorts and for a moment, all three of them look at her. "You can betray anyone. It doesn't matter if you know them or not." She says quietly.

"You're mad," Alina argues. "You know what he can do. No prize is worth that."

"That remains to be seen." Nikolai says and Vera does not like the grin on his face at all.

"The Darkling will hunt you for the rest of your days."

"Then we all will have something in common, won't we?" Sturmhond says, looking at the three of them. "Besides, I like to have powerful enemies. Makes me feel important."

Mal crosses his arms. "I can't decide if you're crazy or stupid."

Not stupid, Vera almost says. Nikolai Lantsov is anything but stupid. But, apparently, he's acquired an idiotically big ego that makes him feel invincible because he's been getting lucky so far.

"I have so many good qualities. It can be hard to choose."

"If the Darkling was outbid, then who hired you?" Alina says, shaking her head. "Wheere are you takin us."

"First answer a question for me," Nikolai says and pulls out a red book from his coat. "Why was the Darkling carrying this around with him? He doesn't strike me as the religious type."

Vera frowns at Nikolai and the sight would almost be comical if it weren't so unsettling – when was the list time he's ever seen her anything close to confused?

The only thing he can think of is the look she'd given her in the garden four years ago, that night before he'd left Os Alta. But then again, that hadn't been more like panic, and now she looks like she's got no idea what he's getting at.

And he's also fairly certain that he's only noticed it at all because he just spend weeks upon that whaler studying her. Also, he supposes, he has the advantage of the memory of who'd Vera had been before he had left. She'd already masked her emotions and thoughts well, only caught of guard so rarely, he can count the occasions on his fingers. But she'd been nowhere near as expressionless as she is today and the knowledge of her little tells gives him just about enough to guess what is happening behind those pale eyes.

Not that he thinks anyone will ever truly know everything that Vera is thinking unless she wants them to.

And he doesn't think that'll happen anytime soon.

Alina turns the small book over in her hands, and Vera's flat eyes slit over to Nikolai only to find him already looking at her. "You stole it?"

Nikolai looks back at Alina. "And a number of other documents from his cabin. Although, again, since it was technically my cabin, I'm not sure you can call it theft."

"Technically the cabin belongs to the whaling captain you stole the ship from."

Mila shrugs from where she is still standing, listening in on their conversation. "He was an idiot," She points out. "Didn't even notice we were taking it until we were out of sight from the port!"

She gives Alina a look that almost challenges her to argue.

"Fair enough," Nikolai says, sending Mila an almost mediating look, before he pulls her next to his spot at the railing. "If this whole Sun Summoner thing doesn't work out, you might consider a career as a barrister. You seem to have the whole carping disposition. But I should point out that this actually belongs to you." He adds and opens the book on the first page.

Vera can just make out the letters inside the cover, spelling out Alina's name.

Alina blinks, surprised as she stares down at the two words. Then, she begins looking through the book. She goes still at the drawing of some Saint that Vera thinks might be Sankt Ilya, most because the painting shows him in chains and she's been drilled about the Durast-turned-Saint for about as long as she's been in the Little Palace.

It's the only one of Ravka's saints she actually does know more than a handful of vague things about.

"Interesting, no?" Nikolai says and Vera musters the painting once again as Mila stretches herself to get a look at the page, curiosity in her eyes. It takes her a moment to see what he and Alina had already noticed. The familiar features of the Stag and the sea whip n the page beside Sankt Ilya. "Unless I'm very much mistaken, that's the creature we just captured."

"Just another story," Alina says with a shrug, shutting the book and Vera tries to ignore the grim sense of pride at the sight of her lying into Nikolai's face without even blinking or hesitating. The only indication is the way her eyes dart over to Vera uncertainly for the briefest of moments. Over before it really began. She doesn't think she is imagining the faint tremor in Alina's hands, either, as she holds the book out to Nikolai, Mal gaping a little at her.

After a long moment, Nikolai shrugs. "Keep it. It is your after all. As I'm sure you've notice, I have a deep respect for personal property Besides, you'll need something to keep you occupied until we get to Os Kervo."

Vera goes still at the same time as Alina gives a start. "You're taking us to West Ravka?" The Sun Summoner asks.

"I'm taking you to meet my client, and that's really all I can tell you."

It's that moment that reminds her. Sturmhond might be Nikolai, but he is still Sturmhond. And she is still who she has always been. There was a reason why she'd searched for sanctuary in the Little Palace.

A reason the Darkling knows just too well.

Suddenly, Vera feels sick to her stomach. This other part of her, buried so deep in the dark at times felt like a dull echo. It's an aspect she hadn't even considered until now. But now that she did... this wasn't safe. Her presence anywhere but at the Darkling's side, under his wing and protection, was not safe.

And now, the thing that had made him keep her safe was a sword over her head.

She can barely hear Alina's words, but Nikolai's response snaps her attention back to him.

"Are you so sure it's a he? Maybe I'm delivering you to the Fjerdan Queen." It's meant as a remark, but the way Vera is looking at him, Nikolai doesn't think it's funny at all. She's from Fjerda, he reminds himself. There's probably nothing to joke about when your own home is willed to burn you on a pyre.

"Are you?" Alina presses.

"No. But it's always wise to keep an open mind." He says and neither of them notice when Vera takes the smallest of steps away from them, but Mila's eyes follow the movement in silence from her place next to Nikolai.

"Do you ever answer a question directly?" Alina asks, exasperated.

"Hard to say." Nikolai replies before his lips tug into a smirk. "Ah, there, I've done it again."

Alina's eyes flash. "I'm going to kill him," She hisses and isn't entirely sure if she's saying it to Mal, to Vera, or to herself.

"Answer the question, Sturmhond," Mal demands and Nikolai draws up an eyebrow at the tracker, a dangerous edge under his carefree expression. With a gentle pat on Mila's shoulder he says something to the girl too quiet to hear, and with a glance up at her captain, then at them all, she sighs, walking away from them, a light skip in her steps.

When she is out of earshot, Nikolai looks back at Mal. "Two things you should know. One, captains don't like taking orders on their own ships. Two, I'm going to offer you three a deal."

Mal's eyebrows draw together. "Three–," he begins, but Nikolai cuts him off.

"I'm well aware that you could sink this ship and consign us all to the watery dept, but I hope you'll take your chances with my client. Listen to what he has to say. If you don't like what he proposes, I swear to help you make your escape. Take you anywhere in the world."

"So you crossed the Darkling, and now you're going to turn right around and betray your new client, too?" Alina asks slowly.

"Not at all," Nikolai huffs in response. "My client paid me to get you to Ravka, not keep you there. That would be extra."

Alina and Mal exchange a glance, a silent conversation passing between them. "He's a liar, and probably insane, but he's also right," Mal says. "We don't have much of a choice."

To her surprise, Alina turns to Vera, rubbing her temples as exhausting and a headache begin to set in. Waiting for her opinion, too, before they make their decision.

Vera isn't entirely sure when she became a part of their little group. Maybe when she talked to Alina that night in in the prison in Novokribirsk. Maybe when she'd killed Ivan. Maybe when she had fled the whaler with them. Maybe when she had listened to the conversation without trying to set someone on fire. She isn't even sure she is part of their group; but the way Alina is looking at her makes it clear that to her, Vera belongs with them now.

She turns to Nikolai and her pale eyes meet his before she shrugs. "Fine."

Not that it matters.

Vera has no intention of staying long enough to ever meet this client.

Nikolai gives her a dazzling smile. "So good to know that you won't be sinking this ship to the ground and drown us all, Vera."

Her eyes narrow almost imperceptibly on him as Nikolai beckons at a deckhand nearby. "Fetch Tamar and tell her she'll be sharing her quarters with the Sun Summoner." He motions at Mal. "He can stay with Tolya."

Two Heartrenders ready to put them immobile if they step a toe out of line. Vera decides not to comment on the obvious absence of her in his words. She's sure he's not going to miss telling her exactly what place on this ship he has in mind for her.

Mal's frown deepens and he is about to protest again, when Nikolai turns his attention back to him. "That's the way of thing on this ship. I'm giving you both free run of the Volkvolny until we reach Ravka, but I beg you not to trifle with my generous nature. The ship has rules and I have limits."

"You and me both," Mal says, seething.

Alina puts a hand on his arm. "Let it go. I'll be fine," She says softly and with a last scowl at Nikolai, Mal turns and marches down the ship.

Nikolai blows out a breath. "Might want to leave him alone. That type needs plenty of time for brooding and self-recrimination. Otherwise they get cranky."

Alina turns to him, her eyes narrowing to slits. Vera can almost see the remark on her tongue, before she straightens a little and says instead, "What about Vera?"

At her question, a glint shimmers in Nikolai's eyes and Vera knows she will not like what follows. And Nikolai knows it, too.

"Vera is going to stay with me."

Alina gives him a confused look, her mouth already opening in protest on Vera's behalf as the redhead crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Am I now?" She says softly.

There's an unmistakable, lethal edge in her voice. Like a bowstring strung to absolute capacity. A predator about to attack.

Nikolai turns to her, that look this in his eyes. "Yes, you are." He says, as their gazes meet, and lock. "Make no mistake. Alina might be the Sun Summoner, and there might be talented sailors and Heartrenders among us, but I don't believe for one moment that you are not the most dangerous thing on this vessel. And I don't trust you with anyone else."

AUTHOR'S NOTE

HOW are we getting so many words per chapter for so little progress when the first act got so little words for so much progress? i am thinking about rewriting the first act when i am done with the entire book bc i just feel so less happy with it than with act 2

bad meme content for this chapter (ignore the spelling mistake pls <3):

Alternatively; Underdog readers who already know exactly how this will end: