TAEHYUNG'S CHEST HEAVED as he took a breath in nervous anticipation. he was not really certain how his day was going so far. after all, only half an hour earlier, he'd lost his lucky penny to a wishing well.

the chaos in his head had been far louder than the water rushing down each tier of the water fountain. he'd been so distracted, he hadn't realised he had accidentally tossed his lucky penny into the wishing well until it was too late. and all he could do was stare at his chipped coin sitting at the bottom of the fountain with other coins helplessly.

he tried desperately to find an upside to the unfortunate situation. and clung on to the notion that he might get double the luck on his wish thanks to his lucky penny. he was about to put that hopeful theory to the test.

the sound of the door being unlocked only set his heart on a marathon. he fiddled with the bracelet on his wrist as the door opened slowly to reveal autumn's face peeking out. it was brief but he caught the moment she froze at the sight of him.

"hey," his lips curved in a nervous smile. "can we talk?"

she sent him a small smile in reply, stepping back and opening the door wider. rubbing sweaty palms against the denim fabric of his jeans, he strode in. "i'm not sure where to—" the rest of his words lodged in his throat when he spun around only to find her right behind him.

she took a step back first, avoiding his gaze. taehyung felt a weight push down painfully on his chest, but chose to ignore it. "uh," he cleared his throat, a forced smile on his lips. "i need to talk to you about so many things, it's all a bit overwhelming."

"take your time, and a seat. do you want anything?" she asked, curling the end one of her two french braids around her finger. he cast his gaze down, wishing his heart wouldn't react to how detached she sounded. "i'm fine."

the air was far too tense and awkward that it was making it difficult for taehyung to breathe properly. "you should sit too." he said, sitting on the sofa. she did as he told her, still not looking at him.

"i guess i should start with the obvious. the kiss." he let out the last word breathily as though the mere thought of it knocked the wind out of his lungs – which it did. he caught autumn twiddling her thumbs at the word, almost shyly.

"i know it was sudden and took you by surprise. hell, it even took me by surprise." he said, biting his lip. "the timing couldn't have been more wrong. i felt very stupid the moment i realised what i did. and i'll say i regret the way it happened, but i can't tell you that i regret that it happened. because the truth is, i've thought about kissing you more times than i'm proud to admit."

taking his glasses off, he ran a hand over his face, feeling warmth travel up his neck at his own words. his heart was racing faster than a charging horse in battle. there were so many ways this could go wrong but he was banking on a positive outcome.

he got on his feet, fingers sifting through his hair as he paced back and forth. what he was about to say was going to change the dynamics of their relationship and affect what he was going to tell her after. but it was far too late to go back.

he halted mid-step, spinning on his heels to face her. "autumn," he took a step closer to her. a steadying breath left his parted lips as he crouched down to be level with her.

his warm hands wrapped around hers, trying to get her full attention on him. her eyes finally met his. they were glistening and taehyung wasn't sure what emotions were swirling in them. the only thing he was certain about was how they made him feel. how the girl who had those beautiful eyes made him feel.

"i'm in love with you." he finally confessed. "i think i have since i was sixteen. even then it took me a while to realise how i felt and even longer to wrap my mind around it. i tried to figure out what changed for so long but i could never really put my finger on it. all i knew was that it oddly felt so right, like nature coming back to life after a frigid, dead winter."

he couldn't tell if it was his hands or hers that were shaking so much. maybe it was both. but it wasn't what mattered right now.

"for a while, i thought if i just ignored it, it would go away just as suddenly as it had appeared. but then you started going out with..." he sucked in a sharp breath, feeling discomfort and a hint of guilt lance through his chest. "gavin."

his gaze raked over her face, trying to gauge her emotions. but he couldn't read her expressions, there were too many emotions passing over her face too fast for him to pick up a single one.

"there was a time i used to wish he'd be out of the picture. but you were so happy with him. and i saw how your face always lit up so i thought maybe he was doing something right. that's why when he—" taehyung could not bring himself to finish the sentence.

"i felt so guilty. i thought it was somehow my fault. that all my negative feelings had, in some way, affected the course of nature and caused the accident. and you were such a mess after, you kept beating yourself about it. you were so all over the place. i couldn't take it and just kept blaming myself. so i thought being stuck as nothing but your best friend and only longing for you was a befitting punishment for being such a selfish person."

it was silent, neither of them saying anything. taehyung's words hung in the air, suffocating him with suspense. his heart was ramming painfully against his ribcage, feeling more anxious as time dragged on.

"taehyung." autumn's voice was unstable with held back sobs and he saw that the tears were suddenly streaming down her face like a waterfall. letting one of her hands go, he reached up to wipe her tears.

"i...i don't know what to say." she mumbled, glancing down. "i can't believe i had no idea you felt that way. about me or gavin." she pushed wispy curls of her hair that had escaped from the braids out of her face. "i didn't expect you to." he forced a smile despite the pain of seeing her crying face again.

"i'm so stupid." autumn said and moved around him, getting on her feet. it was her turn to pace. "i can't believe you're in love with me. you're actually in love with me. for real." she tugged on a braid, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. "oh my god." she muttered and placed a hand on her chest, breath choppy.

"my head is spinning." she groaned, pressing her hands to the sides of her head. he watched her, already knowing what was coming but unable to prepare himself enough for it.

she turned to him, looking conflicted. her eyes shut and she seemed even more broken than before. "this is so hard." she admitted on a tiny sob, wiping a tear off her cheek. "i'm such a fool. the biggest fool for doing this." a small incredulous chuckle left her lips and she wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

"tae, i feel like the absolute worst person for doing this to you. you're my best friend and i'm so grateful to have such a wonderful, caring person like you in my life. but i just can't. i can't be in a relationship. i don't think i can do that to gavin. you deserve better. i'm sorry."

those words sent a million blades cutting into his heart. the weight on his shoulders shifted to his heart. how was it that a broken heart could feel a thousand times heavier than a whole one?

"you don't have to apologise because you don't feel the same way." taehyung pushed his hair and his feelings back, letting a heavy breath flow past his lips. "no, trust me, that's not—" she began but suddenly stopped. she pressed her lips together, sighing heavily.

he stared at her, waiting for her to continue. when she didn't, he blew out a breath. "listen, autumn, i don't think gavin saved you just so you would stop living. i probably have no right to say this, but i think he would have wanted you to be happy. with anyone you wanted."

"how could i? it just doesn't feel right. just thinking about it makes me feel so bad." she ruffled her hair, pulling more curls out of the braids. head down, she abruptly let out a loud scream. "this is such a mess. i'm such a mess. i'm sorry."

"i told you, you don't have to apologise." he mumbled out. it felt like his whole world was turning on its head but the fact was yet to register in his mind. "i'm so sorry." she snivelled. "autumn." he said softly, his tone almost chastising. her lips pressed in an apologetic smile.

he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. "i have to tell you something. and i don't want you take this wrong way, but i think we need some time apart." he told her, feeling like he was stabbing shards into what was left of his heart.

"i don't want to come off as trying to cut you off because i can't handle one rejection. but i need some time to get over you and you need some time to really heal. i realise i can't magically make you better. so i think you should see a therapist that can help you. i'll be going on a long photography tour by the end of the month. i'll probably be gone till spring. and you have to get better when i get back."

she looked up at him, eyes wide with something akin to fear. he cupped her shoulders, thumb moving in soothing circles. "i promise i'm not abandoning you. i'm just giving you much needed space to find yourself and your happiness again."

he fixed her with an intense stare. "and i hope you learn that being happy doesn't mean you've forgotten gavin." he pressed a soft chaste kiss to her temple. "see you later, autumn. take care of yourself, please."

reluctantly letting go of her, he turned around and walked away, not looking back until he was out her door. he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to leave.

he pressed his back to the door once he shut it behind him, finally letting himself feel the pain that was shredding his heart to pieces. losing lucky pennies to wishing wells was not such good luck after all.