Hey diary...

It has been a while that I wrote something here....more than two years.
Well, that's a long time. I know.
Why I stopped writing..? Now when I think about it, I don't have a good reason to give you.
I was too lazy and too occupied with myself that writing down my thoughts didn't appeal to me anymore that time. Sorry for that...

You must be thinking, then what makes me to write an entry again, after a long break.
Well... writing appeals to me right now more than anything and it kind of soothing my soul.

I am writing this, while Avni is still asleep on our bed and her soft snores reaching my ear, ensuring me she is really sleeping well.

So I am going to tell you about someone today.
I have a lot of happy memories with him since we were classmates.

I am going to tell you about someone you already met before in your pages, but today it is fully dedicated for him..

Aman and I became friends the first day of our school. I was the new girl in the school and he was the class monitor who was kind enough to share his text books for me on my first day, making my heart filled with gratitude.

We played together, studied together. Went for quiz competitions together...celebrated our victories and mourned in our failures together.
Simply put, we grew up together.
We knew each other like the back of our hands.

I still remember, how he would tease my horrible handwriting every time he hand over my copy book.

'Poor Ali...a crow can write better than you...' and he would laugh at my expression.

And I hated him for calling me Ali when my name is Alisha.. He loved to cut my beautiful name into pieces and call me Ali which is a common name for guys.

I used to roll my eyes to oblivion whenever I heard him calling that making him laugh at me some more.

But I loved being with him, the company and comfort I got from him was something inexplicable.

We grew up thinking that we will be together forever..at least I was thinking like that.
Now I think about it, Aman always knew that we are going to part our ways sooner or later.
That's why he shown up on our door step with a handful of lilies and yellow roses on the day of our board exam results came.
I was so naive like always, to interpret the meaning behind his sudden interest in gifting me a bunch of flowers and was simply happy to have him with me to celebrate our victory.

Diary...... you know what happened later, since you are not as gullible as me, you must knew already that we parted our ways for higher studies.
We moved cities and was away from each other..

I remember the day he came to see me off at the railway station. I was standing with my mom and dad trying to smile so that they won't cry and send me away with happy faces. But inside, I was a puddle of tears which came out as big fat tear drops as I saw Aman walking towards me. My heart sank and I hugged him as to avoid more tears to flow down. It was comforting as always, a familiar feeling of warmth and peace.
Aman had laughed at my eyeliner smudged face.
'Hey Ali...you look like a panda..' he grinned at me looking at my dark colour smeared cheeks, making me smile a bit.
'I am not Ali... I am Alisha...and neither I am a panda..' I faked anger at him...but my lips curled up into a smile without my permission.

Then I didn't know that we were not going to see each other for a long time.
The last thing Aman said to me was still in my ear.. 'stay happy Ali..we all love you and keep in touch. '
I nodded in response but I failed to keep my word terribly.

Diary...
You must be thinking how ungrateful I turned out towards him.
True. I just got busy with my studies, made new friends, fell in love..I just moved on without Aman.
The initial interest in calling each other diminished slowly and we became just friends who wish each other on their birthdays on social media.
Awful... don't you think?.

Now when I think about it, I was the one who stopped calling him, who moved on, who lost in touch with him.
I feel guilty for what I did but as you know we can't change our past. That's so sad.. because I want to change the way I treated him back then.

The next time we met each other was on my wedding reception. I had called him to invite for my marriage function.
'Oh...Ali.. you are getting married ??? Woww' that was exactly his response when I invited him.
I was so excited to tell him all the details of my life that I forgot to ask him about his life.

Diary...
You must be thinking that how rude I was. I realize that now, but as I said before I can't change the past...

Aman came that evening on my wedding reception and caught me in a bear hug making me grin ear to ear.

The guy who stood Infront of me was barely recognisable. He had changed, except for his cute features and smile , he turned into someone I barely recognise.
'Hey Aman... Finally you are living up to your name. A man..' I said and winked at him and he smiled in response.

'Well... I might have changed , but you are still looking like the same old Ali panda..' he retorted with a wicked smile and I consciously touched my cheeks and he threw his head back and laughed at my gesture getting back a glare from me.

That's how Aman was. He was ready to pull my leg at any situation , he hasn't changed a bit in nature and for the first time in years I realized how much I had missed him in my life in those years. I looked at him dumbfounded as that thought evoked a lot memories in my mind.

I muttered a sorry to him.. that's all I could say.

Aman saw my sudden change and before I could explain myself, he touched my arm lightly.
'It is okay Ali... I know what you are thinking now. Life is like that..and I am really happy for you..' he patted my arm reassuringly as a drop of tear rolled down my cheek.

'Don't cry Ali...then you will really look like a panda..' he told me and we laughed together as I rubbed my cheek.

Diary...
Now you must be thinking why I am filling you up with all my memories of Aman.
Wait patiently, because I met him last week, after another long break.
Avni wanted to meet her grandparents so badly that we came to visit them last week.
We all were having a great time when Aman called me.
He was happy to know that I was home and he came to see me that evening.

We were sitting in our backyard on our old swing like old days, when we used to study together.

I smiled myself thinking how fast time flies. Aman was also smiling looking at Avni who was running around like a puppy.

'She is a carbon copy of you Ali... ' Aman said without taking his eyes off from Avni who was giggling at him.

'Yeah.. when I look at her I can see a smaller version of me in her. But Avni is more prettier than me.. don't you think?' I asked him keeping my eyes on Avni.

I raised my eyes to see his face, since I didn't get a response from him.
Aman was looking at me thoughtfully.
There was something unreadable in his expression.
It felt like I have never seen him that way.

' No. .with those pink lips , chubby cheeks and those funny pigtails, Ali.. you were prettier than Avni ' he said without taking his eyes from me.

'What??? You still remember how I looked on my first day in school??' I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

'And let me remind you, I hated my funny pigtails..' I let out a low chuckle.

'But I loved them... I had a huge crush on you Ali, from day one' Aman replied with a smile.

My jaws literally dropped to ground.
'What!!? I thought you were such a nice guy to share your books with me? So it was because you had a crush on me?' I wiggled my eyebrows to him and he just nodded in response.

Diary.... I was curious then. We have been close friends for a long time now.
He never said anything like that before, I have never noticed anything from him that he had a crush on me?? Or was I that dumb to see something that obvious.
I had a lot of questions running my mind that I could not stop myself from asking again.

'Then you must have lost your interest in me soon right..?' I asked him and he let out a soft chuckle and he shook his head in response giving a 'no' as answer.

I was at a loss now. For the first time I felt uncomfortable around him. What was he implying??? Then how come I never noticed or heard anything like that?

'Then how come I never noticed anything like that Aman...tell me..' I could tell that my question was in a barely audible voice from the way he tilted his head to hear me.

'I was very secretive about it Ali cat and you were a total idiot' he smiled a little.
'At first it was a crush then as we grew up my crush on you changed into something more. Since you were so stupid it was easy to hide..' Aman said with another smile playing on his lips.

'You are joking right??' I asked trying to read his expression.
'Am I?' he turned towards me to face me.

Tell you what diary... His eyes were a bit sad...a bit vulnerable. That was new for me..I have never seen him like this or was I too dumb that I never noticed this side of him.

I felt myself shrinking Infront of him. I felt so small...
'Then why didn't you tell me Aman? I never knew about it' I mumbled failing to meet his eyes.

'For what Ali cat?? To get a smack on my head??? 'He smiled at that and I shrugged at him.

'I always knew that you never saw anything but a great friend in me. And I want to keep it that way.
As you know, you slowly moved on with your life and we barely were in touch.'

I sat there, frozen to my spot. We were silent for a long time.
Avni was the only one running here and there making funny noises around us.

'If you wanted to hide it from me, then why did you tell me now, today, all of a sudden??' I nudged him on his shoulder.

'Um...it wasn't intentional Ali cat... Relax.. ' he said.

Diary...
I felt so stupid that time. I might have hurt him more than I ever intended to be...I was feeling guilty.

After some time, I mustered up some courage..

'Um.. Aman... I am sorry for being so delusional...and thank you for telling me.. at least I know now how you felt about me.'. I bit my lip nervously.

'No worries Ali cat..you are still my favourite.. 'he winked at me with a grin.

'Who is Ali cat?? Stop calling me that..' I glared at him but he just rolled his eyes like he owns me and I ended up scowling myself.

Then he opened his back pack and handed me an yellow envelope. It was adorned with golden paintings making it obvious that it was a wedding invitation.

I looked straight into his eyes and raised my eyebrows.

'I am getting married Ali.. that's why I came to meet you today' he replied sheepishly.

'Ohho.. Aman... Don't you think it's a bit too much??? You just told me that I am still your favourite and then you are  handing me your wedding invitation in less than five minutes?? Now I am totally confused about your feelings Mr. Nutty..'
He laughed at that making me smile and feeling a lot better.

'I told you Ali cat that it wasn't intentional. But I think it felt nice to letting it out. He took a deep breath and continued.

'We,  I mean Vidya and me wanted to invite you personally. I have already invited your dad and mom. You must come.. I know you are here for the rest of the week. So we expect all of you there.'

I felt a kind of releif washing over me. It felt nice to see him with all smiles in front of me. I nodded in response and pulled him in for a hug.

So Diary...it was today...his marriage.
I met his beautiful wife Vidya and seeing him so happy with all his friends and family, It made my heart fill with happiness and gratitude.

While I am writing this, I am still wearing the golden yellow saree, I wore for his big day. The memories of this day is so  fresh in my mind that I can see his beautiful smile Infront of my eyes..and there is a moment of epiphany, that a moment of confusion and a moment of confirmation, that I have loved him always.... May be I was too distracted and dumb to realise and name what kind of adoration I have for him..but as he said to me before..he was my all time favourite.

And the wishful thinker in me hopes that he will still remain my favourite..