Bathed in sweat, with a wildly beating, aching heart and confusing thoughts, I wake up from this terribly strange nightmare. My throat is dry as dust, swallowing is difficult. It hurts and my bones, muscles and tendons are also screaming their heads off. I am... confused, glistening bright light blinds my eyes, I squint them and look through the narrow slit. Where am I? Why do I have a headache? And why am I naked? Shiny silver dots flicker through the air, the smell of forest and wood surrounds me. The room I am in is not mine. The dark wooden floor is beautiful, a finely coordinated grain. My trained eye immediately recognises the high-quality installation work. Nothing was left to chance here. The colour of the stones on the walls reminds me of the pictures of my fellow students from Tuscany. A study trip I could not take part in for lack of the necessary budget.

My gaze glides through the room, dark floor, light-coloured furniture, a huge window front directly opposite the bed in which I am sitting. A harmonious composition, everything noble and of high quality. Not old and worn, with peeling paint on the walls and furniture that doesn't fit together. Fascinated, my gaze lingers on the large window. The sun shines brightly, casting a cone of light across the floor. The reflection of the pane conjures up a rainbow over the dark wood as if by magic. It's beautiful to watch, dancing sparks in the air, and outside the window on this cold December morning, snow falls in gentle waves across the world. Thick white flakes dance just for us, moving gracefully and lightly, carried by a gentle breeze and eliciting a joyful smile from me. This is how I always wanted to wake up. In a beautiful cosy bedroom, wrapped in silky sheets and the man of my dreams beside me.

My dream. A nightmare and suddenly my good mood is gone. Sighing, I let myself fall into the mattress and am almost scared to death. A huge mirror hangs on the ceiling above me. Clearly and distinctly I see myself and my no longer innocent body. I look into my eyes and suddenly I remember where I am and what has happened in the past hours. Alexander is lying next to me. His back is turned towards me and I look closely at the beauty of this wonderful man. The blanket covers the lower part of his body. But I already know this one and my heart beats fast at the thought of what happened a few hours ago.

I turn my head and see his broad muscular back, the outline of his shoulder blades and the pure skin. Snow white like the dancing flakes outside the large window. Slowly, I reach out my hand, pausing millimetres from the seductive target and sighing far too loudly. Fearing that he has heard me, I bite my lower lip uncertainly. I don't want him to wake up yet. Alexander will want answers and I can't give them to him right now. Not after this night, the exposure of my dark soul and his confessions. And then this dream. This confusing nightmare, my father desperate to marry me off and Alexander coming to free me.

Quietly I stand up, inwardly cursing the loud rustling of the blanket and looking slightly frightened at Alexander. He hasn't moved an inch and relieved, I put my first foot on the cold floorboard. Why do you always automatically hold your breath when you want to be particularly quiet? I don't know, but I also fall into this pattern and exhale noisily as I stand with both feet on the floor. And as is the nature of wood, the floorboards creak and this deafening noise is joined by the hammering loud sound of my heart. Inevitably, I ask myself whether Alexander is deliberately not having the creaking floorboards repaired, whether it's part of the flat's charm or whether he simply didn't have time to commission a craftsman to do it. No man can sneak out of here unheard.

However, a glance over my shoulder shows that Alexander is still lying in the same position, sleeping peacefully. Like a stone. Amazing, the creaking sounded so eerily loud to my ears. Probably used to a man sneaking out of bed and his life in the morning, he pays no attention to this fact and is relieved not to have to explain to anyone at the breakfast table where the door to the outside is. Snorting, I shake my head no. Somehow I can't give fuel to this thought spark. He's told me I'm the first man in three years. And I believe him. With as much honesty as he gave me, I find it hard to believe he lied about it.

I'm still surprised by the fact that we both opened up our boundaries and revealed so much of our private lives. It just felt right, I felt the urgent need to tell him everything. Alexander didn't judge, he worried and I felt his guilty conscience towards me. It ran through every fibre of his body and solidified my impression of him as a caring man with a big pure heart. His small gestures during meals, the customs of my homeland, the national dish and the fiery nature of jealousy did not match the sex-hungry, selfish cold man in his stories. I still wonder if I am really ready for this? Alexander is so experienced and has had many men. They gave him what he needed and it fulfilled him and satisfied his desire. But I don't like to think that even one of them touched his heart. His steady partner, yes. But even there there were apparently problems which were so big and insurmountable that Alexander cheated on him.

For what reason does a person do that? I have never been in a relationship, I only know such things from stories or films. The words of great single love, trust until death and a happy ending for every loving couple, no matter how tragic. I often watched such films, immersed in a world of fiction, myths, heroes of our time and the past. Always the girl looked for her prince charming and found him in the form of a shining knight with shining armour, strong arms and lips as soft and tender as the first snowfall of the year. And I always ended up crying bitter tears, seeing the man in my dreams moving miles away from me. There was no future, no man who so dominated my thoughts that I forgot time and space. Until that fateful encounter in Central Park, mistletoe and my first kiss with a man.

A sudden chill makes me shiver, I rub my hands over my upper arms and look through the glass at the world at my feet. A small park stretches behind the house, a green oasis in summer, now covered with a thick layer of snow. Smiling, I soak up every detail, regretting once again not having my camera with me to search for the perfect photo in the snow. I think I can make out rose bushes, pruned, in a deep sleep. They are waiting for spring, already longing to stretch their delicate buds towards the first rays of the sun. But it is not yet their time. First the Christmas roses and snowdrops are waiting to make their appearance. The park bench is covered with white icing. Everything is so peaceful and quiet, large dancing snow stars block my view. Like magic, they cast their spell on me. I can't get enough of this splendour. It is simply beautiful and the motto of the city of New York now fully reveals itself to me.

A small pink whirlwind sweeps across the wintry landscape, destroying the peaceful picture and showing me once again the beauty of this world. Life. Pure life on two legs. A little girl no more than two years old is excitedly trudging through the snow with her short little legs. Behind her is a boy, surely her brother, dressed in a way that is unusual for me. He is wearing a striped suit in all the colours of the rainbow and if I didn't know better, I would have sworn that this was Gideon. But I know better and smirk. His dark blue cap matches the huge scarf around his neck and the thick gloves very nicely in colour. He can hardly move and his sister can't move at all. Again and again she plops into the wet cold snow. But she doesn't seem to mind. Muffled, I hear the bell-like laughter and if I use my imagination, I see the glitter in her eyes. They are beaming with the sparkling snow. This image is so peaceful and beautiful, I sigh loudly and swallow a huge lump in my throat. I have never thought about having children of my own. The thought of having sex with a woman made me nauseous and right now after this life-changing night with Alexander, it's so much worse.

Alexander. Soft lips kiss my shoulder and I flinch slightly, catching the reflection of his body in the glass. Only slightly and barely visible, but the warm skin against my back, strong arms gently encircling me make me sigh in pleasure and know I'm not imagining him. He lays a warming protective blanket around us, security and peace spread out. The dark thoughts clear. As if in the bathtub, I lean my upper body against his strong chest. He catches me, keeps me safe and warm and so we just stand in front of the big window and watch the children building a snowman together with their parents. The balls get bigger and bigger, Frosty's brother gets higher and higher and I feel the gentle quivering of Alexander's chest. A soft giggle leaves his mouth, hot breath tickles my cheek and I press closer to his body. I feel so safe, secure and light.

"Why are you laughing?", I ask, ending the silence between us.
"I was just imagining you telling our children that you once saved Frosty from freezing to death. And the children look at you fascinated with big shining eyes and listen to your story. Meanwhile, I stand up here, looking down at the dearest people by my side and thinking about this morning. This could be us Magnus. Both of us," he says and I am speechless. My head is buzzing at his words. Alexander describes a future that is too good to be true.
"That would be nice," I answer quietly.
"When I woke up and the bed was empty, I thought you had left. Then I saw you standing at the window. And I could have cried with happiness. I'm glad you're still here."
"I wouldn't have left without saying goodbye," I reply, feeling his excited heartbeat against my back.
"I couldn't have handled that either," he breathes, his lips sliding over my neck as light as a feather.

"I have some things to think about. You've taken so much from me.... mmh, oh fuck." Soft sucking soft lips, warm breath on my skin. A feather-light kiss in the small hollow below my earlobe, sharp teeth nibbling at it.
"Alexander," I moan, wishing his lips all over my body and startling slightly at the thought, tensing automatically. What are my hormones thinking? Why am I like putty under his touch, one little kiss is enough to send ecstatic waves coursing through my body. I've never had goosebumps so quickly. And I'm definitely not cold. Quite the opposite. One last kiss on my cheek and Alexander closes his arms tightly around my body again. I shiver, not from cold but from desire. What is he doing to me?

"You set the pace," he whispers in my ear and I turn in his arms. At last. A look into Alexander's storm-soaked eyes which caress me gently. They say so much and then again nothing. Our start was not easy, a bit chaotic, laden with misunderstandings and jealousy, a streetlight and ecstasy. I want to kiss him, feel his soft lips on mine, enjoy life and not think about tomorrow. Because tomorrow everything can be different and over. The first kiss of the morning is calm. Gently, my lips caress his, tasting each other, and it is Alexander who presses his lips more demanding on mine. A brief hesitation on my part, a breathy voice whispering softly. I want this. I want him. I want life and love. I want to jump headfirst into hell, with no net and no double bottom. Without a plan of where to go, whether the path leads over metre-high rocks or only pebbles. It doesn't matter what my parents think, all that counts right now is Alexander and our wildly beating hearts. A rhythm full of beauty and devotion. Powerful pulsating and his tongue tenderly asking for entry. A spark like no other, pleasant warmth flows through my body, my mind is free and my tormenting loud thoughts are silenced.

I longingly return this wonderful kiss, press myself close to his body and Alexander lets the blanket fall. His hands move quickly under my thighs and before I know it I am lying on his large bed again. Alexander kneels above me. He doesn't move, looks deep into my eyes and waits. He waits for a reaction from me, I take a deep breath, grab his neck courageously and pull him down to me. Hard and demanding, our lips land on each other, no gentle stroking, no caressing and pampering. Starved, craving more, all and getting as much as I can from each other. I call the shots, he gives me time and this knowledge fires my heart and all insecurity is blown away. Now or never whispers the voice in my head. Now or never.
"Lie down," I murmur against his lips. Smiling, he looks at me, raises an eyebrow and I almost expire with sexiness. Fuck, how can one little gesture be so hot?

"What are you up to?" he asks with a smirk and I release a fantasy from the deepest corners of my mind. Slowly the image in my mind glides to the surface, showing me a scene from an erotic film I've seen many times over the last two years. My heart beats fast and I try not to let my anticipation show too much. I don't want to send Alexander the wrong signals, but I'm too eager to pursue my longing. Last night everything happened so fast. I would have loved to explore his body extensively. But Alexander took the lead and I didn't dare reveal my desire. I let action speak, running the tip of my index finger of my right hand over my lips, circling first the upper, then the lower. With slightly parted lips, he watches my every move. His eyes dart restlessly back and forth, finally fix on my mouth and I simply continue the game I have begun.

Only the tip of my finger slips between my lips and I hear him draw in a hissing breath. Tense jaw muscles decorate his face, Alexander struggles with himself, the blue irises dark as night. Clearly recognisable is the hot blaze of the flames of desire in his eyes. Slowly the finger slides into my warm mouth, out again and the interplay paired with my tongue licking with pleasure over the tender flesh ignites a whirlwind of sensations. Not only me, but Alexander moans softly and I don't break eye contact even once. His facial expression still shows no movement, only his eyes speak a clear language. Alexander is aroused and while a second finger disappears into my mouth and I play around it with my tongue, the other hand finds its way to Alexander's penis. It's the first time I've touched another man's penis and fuck this is incredibly good. The pulsating muscle between my fingers is hot and hard.

Slowly I stroke the entire length and think of last night. How this magnificent piece of my dream man sank into my ass and after initial pain and hot suppressed tears I felt pleasure and joy. Surreal, as if in another time, it seems to me. I suck and lick my fingers, moan with pleasure and increase the tempo of my movements around Alexander's penis. He closes his eyes, relaxes his muscles and finally I look fully into his aroused face. Beautiful, his cheeks turn a soft pink, the tip of his tongue glides over his pink lips.
"Alexander," I breathe and immediately have his complete attention. My thumb glides over his dripping swollen glans. Moisture pools on my belly and the dome. His gaze follows my fingers, the circular movements, the gentle stroking.

"Fuck Magnus. This is so hot," he murmurs as the moisture-soaked fingers slide into my mouth and the drops of his lust burst on my tongue. Salty tangy and Alexander pure, his own touch is on my taste buds. With my right hand, I satisfy his desire, hear him sigh comfortingly and suddenly moan loudly as his glans grazes my hard penis. Alexander moves his pelvis only slightly, supporting my movements, and I see the storm in his eyes. Lasciviously my tongue dances around his fingers, I taste a mixture of Alexander and me and moan throatily. The feeling of us together in his bed, Alexander kneeling over me, propped up on his forearms is so indescribably good. With his body quivering and in complete perfection. His black hair is sweaty, hangs in silky soft strands in his forehead and I suppress the urge to relegate it to its rightful place.

Again and again the tip of his penis glides over my shaft. I am intoxicated by the sensation, the desire in my veins. I am hot and everything is tingling. It is so different from last night, but no less bad. It's incredibly horny and I don't dare move. Alexander fixes my mouth, watches the play of my tongue and I follow an impulse, release my fingers from my mouth and hold them out to Alexander. Without hesitation he sucks the index finger into his oral cavity. Heat welcomes me and Alexander's throaty moan vibrates against my willing flesh. It makes me shudder, pleasant and arousing. It's new and I enjoy the feel of his caressing tongue and the sinful lips kissing my fingertips.
"Together," Alexander says between breathy kisses. I feel like I'm going to collapse at any moment, he presses against my hardness demanding and I moan loudly without restraint.

"Take both of them between your hand," Alexander says demanding and I do as he says, put my hand around my penis, feel him and me and start with gentle movements. We both moan softly, licking our lips again and again and Alexander sucks on my fingers as if it were my penis and we are both in complete ecstasy. I look down at my hand and our hard cocks. The sight is incredible. I have never seen anything more erotic. Alexander's is brighter than mine, I love the contrast between our bodies. He is perfect all around and I can already feel the tingling wave. My heart races and I don't care about anything. Loud and fast, just anxious to give the approaching climax enough space. Our tips shine and I wish Alexander would come in my mouth. I want to know what he tastes like and that thought is enough to turn the gentle wave of arousal into a hurricane. Everything inside me tingles, the blood rushes in my ears, a soft beeping and a fine mist forms in my head. My orgasm overtakes me quickly and violently. I push through my back, lean my head back and feel the first spurts of pleasure spreading across my stomach and chest.

Emptiness surrounds me, I have the feeling of floating, free of all doubts and uncertain thoughts. Dream and reality mix, it is uniquely beautiful.
"Oh yes. Yes, fuck Alexander," I moan, removing my fingers from his mouth and clawing into his soft hair for support. I hear him, loud and uninhibited, my name beading from his lips and I open my eyes. In the mirror I see us, in ecstasy, beautiful and surreal at the same time.