When I awoke this morning, my first thought was of Alexander and the softness of his sweet lips. Without any haste, the tip of my thumb explored every inch, feeling the tingle as if he were right above me, joining our lips. I closed my eyes and like a photograph, I looked at the memory in my mind. Night-black hair, fair skin and storm-drenched blue eyes. I had never seen a more beautiful man and found it hard to break away from the power of my dreams. I allowed my urges to take over and I did something that was not normal in the eyes of most of my countrymen.

I grew up in a conservative home and have seen the protests outside events of the LGBTQ+ movement in Jakarta more than once. Even though it is not forbidden by law for a man to love a man, the fear of discrimination and punishment is very present. After every phone call with my parents, I fall into self-pity and shame. They want a loving wife by my side and the urge to marry my uncle's goddaughter is getting louder and louder. How often have I resolved to tell them the truth, gathered all my courage and strength. Only to remain silent. Last night was no exception. I wanted to tell them about Alexander and share my joy. But I just couldn't do it.

Hearing that Alexander doesn't want this evening hurts immensely. I listen to what he has to say and then decide my next move.
"I'm a doctor. Specialising in emergency medicine. All day I walked around the ER with a big grin on my face, thanking God that my shift was relatively calm. I could hardly wait for our appointment and the last two hours crawled agonisingly slowly. Just before the end of my shift, that changed. We got an emergency call. Car accident. A young woman pregnant with twins and a child... a girl barely older than my goddaughter, clinging desperately to her mother. I'll spare you the details..."

"You don't have to do this. It's okay. I'm sorry," I say apologetically. I had no idea. How could I? So far we haven't talked much. I feel bad that I thought Alexander had made up a cheap excuse. But he had a more than valid reason for being late.
"Please let me finish. Let me explain. I sent one of the residents to the lounge to get my mobile phone. He didn't find it and I almost lost it because I knew you'd be waiting for me. At the same time, I was trying to save the lives of the mother and the twins. Life isn't always fair. And certainly not easy. I wasn't feeling well. I needed a moment to myself and a prayer. All the while, I was thinking of you. I wouldn't have missed seeing you tonight for the world. I was hoping you'd be waiting for me," he says urgently and I swallow dryly. Fuck he is a doctor and he did his best to save innocent lives. Passion and pain are in his voice, the mother didn't make it. He doesn't have to say it, I can feel it.

"Alexander."
"I found the phone in the inside pocket of my coat. Where it always is. I almost threw it against the wall when I saw the battery was dead. Do you still want to go home?" he asks. I shake my head, dispelling the anxious voice that whispers trying to stop me.
"No. I don't want to go home anymore. But I'm still cold. Even if your hands have warmed mine a little," I reply, giving him an encouraging smile. I hope the evening still takes a turn for the better. So far it is anything but. Of course I am glad that he has come despite everything. But I would also have understood if he had preferred to be alone. Slowly he pulls our hands out of the pockets of my coat. His thumb tenderly strokes my skin. A loving gesture full of affection and the silent request to start again.

"Let's go inside. It's really cold. You're not wearing a scarf and your nose is all red," he says and immediately I feel hot. I must look terrible. With a red nose and suspiciously watery eyes. How embarrassing is that? This is really not how I imagined our date.
"Remember? My scarf changed hands. Frosty was very happy and the colour harmonises so nicely with his orange carrot nose," I reply, trying to cover my nervousness. Alexander's hands no longer hold me in the here and now. Gently, his large hands cup my neck, mentally counting the beats of my elevated pulse. Any attempt to mask my nervousness fails because of the telltale vein that throbs hot and fast against his fingertips. I close my eyes and enjoy the exciting new sensation flowing like gentle waves through my body.

"About that, I have a confession to make. I went to the park after work yesterday and stole Frosty's scarf," he says with a grin and I look at him in mock horror.
"You what? Poor Frosty."
"I thought you might want it back. It was very nice of you to give Charlie the scarf. You were instrumental in the victory," Alec replies softly. His thumbs stroke the clear line of my chin, but his eyes fix on my lips and I wish he'd kiss them.
"I was happy to do that," I breathe and as soon as the words leave my mouth I feel a sense of absolute contentment and inner peace. But the feeling is deceptive. The raging storm inside me is about to explode, Alexander kisses me gently and yet with an urgency that needs no explanation. Heat and cold alternate and like a drowning man I try to find support and protection in this ocean of emotions.

I don't know how long we have been standing here, tasting sweet sin. But I do know that I never want to feel anything but Alexander's lips on mine again. Without a fight, I surrender to his tongue that pushes itself briskly through the small gap. Sighing, I let myself fall, knowing that Alexander will catch me. As he releases the kiss, the fog in my mind clears only slowly.
"Are you okay?" he asks and grinning, I nod. My teeth scrape over the swollen flesh of my lips, taking in the taste of mint and Alec pure. A different flavour to our first kiss and inevitably I wonder if it will always be like this. Will every kiss taste different, evoke a different reaction from my body? I'm completely clueless about such things and creeping out of its cover comes the fear of saying or doing something wrong.

"It's okay. Let's just enjoy the evening," I reply promptly, infinitely grateful that Alec is no longer cupping my face with his soft hands. Embarrassed, I turn away and take a deep breath to regain my strength. My nervousness has abruptly returned. Unfortunately, it's no joke and my body is a lousy traitor. My hands are shaking not only from the cold, but also from the tingling excitement. And always a trace of insecurity.
"You're cute when you get embarrassed," he breathes close to my ear and the butterfly larvae in their cocoons stretch out their antennae excitedly. Alexander puts his arm around my waist, guiding with gentle pressure and I willingly let him.

Like a true gentleman and worthy of a perfect evening, he opens the door and waits until I have stepped through the glass structure. My eyes turn in circles, trying to take in every detail and pass the information on to my head. Only hesitantly do the currents find the place of his purpose, anchor themselves and the voice in my head whispers: 'Fuck, this is fucking noble here.'
With mouth open from amazement and eyes huge, my gaze glides through the space. Dark wood dominates the décor, beautifully sculpted chairs with carved details and blood red upholstery, white table linen and shiny silver cutlery. The glasses brightly polished and sparkling. In them clear and distinct, bright and radiant mirror reflections of large heavy crystal chandeliers hanging like stalactites from the ceiling of a stalactite cave.

Soft music reaches my ears, soft light from flickering candlelight on the separate tables gives the restaurant a unique glow. The wall panelling is also made of beautifully carved dark wood. Devoutly I contemplate the shapes and analyse the pattern. A picture, a work of art. The central element is a flower with a circular core and large, beautifully curved petals. Fine lines run through the calyx and petals, giving the image of a plant I don't know something sublime. I want to touch it, to feel the structure of the lines and form, the texture of the grain under my fingers. Filigree tendrils, floral patterns and a shiny polished surface complete the picture. It is beautiful and blends harmoniously into the room.

Suddenly and completely unexpectedly, two strong hands press the shell of my life onto the softly upholstered seat. Confused, I look around and see Alexander taking a seat opposite me. My coat no longer covers my body and he has also removed his. I can only vaguely remember him asking me to take off the coat.
"Do you like it?" he asks cautiously and I can do nothing but nod my head exuberantly.
"It's beautiful. I'm regretting not taking my camera right now. I guess that would have seemed a little weird, showing up on our first date with my Nikon," I answer his question. My nervousness does not subside as Alexander takes my hand and our fingers intertwine as if it were a matter of course. Sighing, I look at the knot, his fair skin contrasting with my darker one. I wonder if it bothers him. My heritage is hard to deny, and my accented pronunciation is not one of those things that sounds particularly sexy. But it doesn't seem to bother him in the least. Otherwise he wouldn't be doing this here in public.

"Good evening, gentlemen. May I bring you something already?", tonight's waiter interrupts this moment. Alexander disengages our intertwined fingers and I watch in horror as he wraps his arms swingingly around the waiter's waist and they press tightly together. The waiter's facial expressions change, from friendly bustling to amorous and his watery blue-grey eyes gather little hearts in all the colours of the rainbow. He is clearly gay and they seem to know each other very well. Fiery jealousy flickers through my veins, my jaw aches so much is the pressure I compensate.
"Good to see you Alec. It's been a while. Almost four weeks. What have you been up to? Or should I ask with who?" I can't stand him. The way he talks, his hands running over Alexander's forearms, the look with which he fixes me.

With an angry expression, I take a closer look at the waiter. His blond hair is neat, freshly cut and not a single stubborn whisker runs across his jaw and chin area. He has fine features, a slender nose, thin lips and very fair clean skin. The waiter is about my height, he keeps licking his lips which are already shiny from his drool. He flirts with my date and I hate him. He's standing far too close to Alexander and in his mind he's surely already undressed him. Who could blame him? I don't. Because my thoughts are already heading in a definite direction too. Alexander looks incredibly handsome. The dark blue linen shirt is tight against his body, the short sleeves reveal a glimpse of defined muscles and I wish it were my fingers tenderly exploring his skin. Every touch was superficial, thick warming wool preventing me from feeling everything of him.

"Work hindered me. And my little mouse. You know how it is Sebastian. Work and family. The elixir of my life."
"Hmmm. If you ever need a little distraction," he purrs, winking at Alexander, and I draw in a sharp breath.
"You know where to find me." I feel nauseous. I can already feel the taste of bitter bile spiced with bitingly savage jealousy on my tongue. Alexander smiles benignly and withdraws from the waiter's greasy clinging grip. I have already forgotten his name again. He is not important and with an affectionate smile Alexander's attention turns completely to me.
"Do you drink wine?" he asks and I nod.
"Sometimes. On special occasions."
"And today is one of those." More of a statement than a question and again I nod silently. Alexander is talking to the waiter and out of the corner of my eye I register his disparaging look. I wonder how close the two of them are.

He hands each of us a menu and Alexander politely thanks him. A glance at the menu diminishes the exciting tickle inside me and paralysing disillusionment sets in. Meat. Lots and lots of meat. We study the delicious-sounding menu silently. My choice is quickly made, far too loudly the card closes as the cover of elegant leather meets. Alexander looks at me and gives me that dazzling smile he already wore in Central Park.
"Is everything okay?" he asks caringly.
"Of course." A half-hearted answer, I'm a bad liar. He's too good for this world. Friendly, he smiles and the corner of his left mouth pulls up playfully. How can a man be so erotic? Every gesture, the way he moves, speaks and smiles excites me very much. It's a nice feeling, but completely wrong here in public.

The waiter is back. His deprecating look does not escape me. I look at the pattern of the spotless table linen with feigned interest. Fine damask and a matching napkin of the same fine fabric. The logo of this restaurant embroidered in curved blood-red letters. Everything here is really elegant and reinforces my first impression of a higher-priced New York restaurant. My menu did not include any amounts. I have no idea what the food on our plates and the wine in the crystal glasses cost. I have the uneasy feeling that Alexander comes here often. And certainly not alone, but in the company of various attractive men. Because the annoying, flirtatious waiter, who is filling our glasses with dark red, almost black red wine, as a matter of course gave me the menu without prices, which are usually intended for the ladies.

"Has your companion chosen yet?" he asks and I suppress an annoyed eye roll. His nasal voice drips with non-acceptance and I can literally hear the begging and wishing to be in my place.
"Magnus? Have you made up your mind?"
"Yes. I have. Baby spinach and pear salad with walnuts, please. And an extra helping of parmesan," I reply to his question, fixing the piercing eyes of the waiter whose name I still can't remember.
"A good choice for a starter. What would you like for your main course?" he asks and I feel caught. Although there's no reason for it at all.
"Nothing more. Thank you." He nods and turns to Alexander. I would love to wipe that smarmy grin off his face.

"The same as always I suppose? Entrecotes in a spice crust. Without coriander. Because you don't like the taste." I'm so sick to my stomach. This slimeball is ensnaring my date and he doesn't give a shit that I overhear everything. Alexander smiles kindly and the slime bag's hand rests naturally on Alexander's forearm. I clench my hands into fists and am about to let out a possessive growl. We're on a date, not in a relationship. Still, the waiter's behaviour makes me incredibly angry.
"Your eyes are sparkling so beautifully today Alec," he whispers and forgotten is my self-control and my parents' good upbringing. Clearing my throat loudly, the appropriate words are already on my tongue, but they don't pass my lips. Alexander is quicker. He takes the waiter's hand and pushes it off his arm.

His hands find mine again and I am glad that our table for two takes up just enough space to accommodate two plates. Alexander intertwines our fingers and brings my left hand to his mouth. The touch of his soft warm lips sends a current of electrifying waves through my body and I hold my breath so as not to make a false move. Gently he kisses the tips of my fingers, sucks on the skin of my ring finger and everything inside me is on fire. I'm on the verge of going crazy and a pleasant tingling shiver beads over my skin.
"It's because of this stunning man and his beauty." I'm in heaven, floating high above the clouds, feeling intoxicated and cherished by Alexander's words.

"Are you sure that a salad is enough for you? You can order whatever you want," Alexander says and I decide to tell him the truth.
"I'm a vegetarian. It's the only meatless dish on the menu."
"Oh. If I had known that, we would have gone somewhere else. Do you want to go? We can go to another place," he babbles on insecurely and disappointedly.
"No. It's all good. You didn't know. I could have said something," I reply. Still, I can see the disappointment in his facial expression. Alexander has deliberately taken me out here and I feel bad not telling him about my aversion to meat beforehand. He releases my hands from his and slowly stands up. Sudden emptiness overtakes me.

"I'm going to the bathroom for a minute," he says quietly and disappears into the back of the restaurant. And again Brother Fear and Sister Doubt come to visit, start an argument with the convinced strength.
Dejectedly, I lower my gaze and try to make myself as small as possible. The evening does not go as we had imagined.