I hate winter. It's too cold, too wet, too white. Icy wind driving stormily through my hair, trying to topple the orderly chaos out of its line. My ears ache from the gossamer needle points that penetrate my sensitive skin a hundred times in a steady rhythm. My shoes can only withstand the masses of snow to a limited extent, the brown leather has long since become soggy and wetness turns into icy cold. Have I already mentioned that I hate winter? For what feels like hours, I've been standing outside an extremely chic and expensive-looking steak restaurant, rubbing my hands that ache from the freezing cold. My fingertips are already starting to tingle and nervously I hop from one foot to the other. Also to dispel the cold in my limbs and to give my restless heart some distraction.

But something warms my shivering body, hot flashes have accompanied my daily routine since a fateful encounter in Central Park. A thought of why I'm here, teeth chattering and nose as red as Santa Claus's reindeer, standing my ground and freezing my sweet ass off. Alexander. His name alone sounds so beautiful and dreamily I watch the snowflakes fall, burying the last millimetre of earth beneath them. The sight is so peaceful, despite the hustle and bustle around me. Women laden with bags of groceries and gifts for the upcoming holidays, men with dark coats and dull expressions in their tired eyes. They all scurry around me, hurrying after the time that never stands still. Not like my world did two days ago.

After kissing me and getting to know me in a different way, Alexander introduced me to his sister and my personal Christmas angel. I'm foregoing all presents this year, because this date with the man of my dreams is so much more than I ever dared to hope for. Not that there are many presents in my family, but the metaphor fits quite well. My parents never had much money, they did their best to create a future for their only child. A future far away from the confines of Jakarta and the daily struggle to survive. The most important thing was always that we could be together. That was not always the case.

I remember years of loneliness. My father smuggling European tourists through temples and my mother still smiling after a long week and endless hotel rooms cleaned. My childhood in Indonesia was not easy. I was on my own often and early, went to school and spent my free time studying. Because I imitated my parents and never gave up. No matter how crappy everything was and no matter how much I hated myself, so I stuck to their plan and the realisation of my dream. To study in America and live a life of freedom. It's still hard to comprehend that I bumped into my dream man here in New York, of all places.

How often have I imagined being close to Alexander since I first saw his photo? How often have I associated his smell in my mind, which was masculine and tart with a fresh note, exactly what I imagined. He tasted incredibly good of apples and spices. His soft lips were cold, nestled perfectly against mine and I lost myself the moment my tongue touched his. A firework of colours exploded behind my closed lids and with every second I slid deeper into the abyss of my lust. This is how I had always imagined it. My first kiss with a man was supposed to release all the pent-up emotions and feelings that I had had to suppress for so long.

For many years I carried fear in my heart alongside my longing. For many years I tried to imagine how it would feel to kiss a man. I was afraid that no fireworks would explode inside me and instead bitter disillusionment would eat me up from the inside. The exact opposite happened and my first kiss was perfect just the way it was. Excited tingles all over my body, heart racing as fast as the New York subway, fireworks exploding and lots of bright colours. Around us, the world shone in virgin white and the lush green of the pines was covered by twinkling lights of millions and millions of stars.

Before I could lose myself in the rush of emotions, a small residue of sanity pulled me back to reality and, startled, I looked into Alexander's beautiful face. His gaze was transfigured and clearly aroused. I saw the veil and I was more than uncomfortable to have assaulted him in such a way. Hectically I stammered an apology, realising too late that I had lapsed into my native tongue. Alexander's sincere smile made my knees soften even more than our kiss already did. It quickly became clear that we both wanted the same thing. A date and some time together.

So why isn't he here now? I don't understand. Did he change his mind? Did he forget? Forget about me? All day I puttered around my small room, spending hours in the bathroom trying to get rid of every last annoying hair from my body. I changed three times, looked sceptically at my choice in the mirror and shook my head with a sigh. Black cloth trousers, light grey jeans or black after all? Colourful shirt, casual shirt or dinner jacket? Tie, cross tie or sporty casual? I had no idea. So, just before leaving the flat, I decided on dark blue trousers and a light light blue and grey jumper. With each step closer to my goal, my nervousness grew and my heart had decided to set a new record in endurance running.

By the time I arrived outside the restaurant, I was sweating despite the cold around me and hoping that my hairstyle was still in place and that the eyeliner had not suffered any damage. My face felt heated and flushed. The complete opposite of my current state. It's so insanely cold and for some time now I've been cursing myself and my nervousness. All day my eyes went to the clock every five minutes and at the same time I checked my messages. Always hoping that Alexander would keep his word and meet me at the agreed time in front of the restaurant. I would have had a hard time coping with a flimsy excuse as to why he couldn't meet me after all. Meanwhile, I think that this is exactly the scenario that will happen. I've been waiting for over thirty minutes, no message, no call, no nothing. And it's not thirty minutes either, it's almost an hour.

Sobering certainty and the pitying looks of guests entering or leaving the restaurant. It feels anything but good, after all I was so sure that Alexander wanted it to be the same. After all, he invited me. But probably my harsh resistance also tempted him not to want to meet me after all. In a very gentlemanly manner, he asked me for the address of my flat and I lost all sense of rational thought. I stammered something about unnecessary and diversions, no bother and I would find my way to the restaurant on my own. No, picking me up or waiting outside the door was out of the question. Not for all the money in the world would I have let Alexander see the conditions in which I live. But now it seems like a mistake. At least I would have sat in the warmth and watched my self-pity grow ad infinitum.

A gust of icy wind brushes the skin on the back of my neck and sends an army of cold shivers on their march. Shivering and teeth chattering, the spreading goosebumps are my cue. I hereby officially declare the evening and the date a failure. It was one of my dumbest ideas to get involved in this. How could I believe that a man with the looks of Alexander would be interested in a poor Indonesian boy?
"Itu ide yang bodoh. Magnus agung. Benar benar hebat," I say disappointedly and walk along the street towards the north and the nearest subway station.

With my collar turned up to have at least a hint of protection from the icy breath of winter and my hands reddened by the cold and buried deep in the pockets of my coat, I walk through the streets of New York with my head down. My path ends abruptly and I collide once again with a large hard body. Strong hands cushion my impact, preventing my bottom from making acquaintance with the cold frozen ground, just as they did during our first kiss.
"Where are you going?" Alexander's soft voice rings out and I look up into his handsome face with relief. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are shining, bright points of light dancing in his blue irises. The lighting around us draws a warm soft glow on his night-black head. The mouth forms an apologetic smile. Just for a moment I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. He smells incredibly good, a mixture of his aftershave and the purity of freshly fallen snow. His hair is a mess, but I don't care. It gives him a passionate aura.

"I am so incredibly sorry Magnus. I'm rarely late and when I am, I always get back to you. But today, of all days, my phone battery died and I don't know your number by heart yet."
"You come up with that cheap excuse?", I ask in a huff, shaking my head in disappointment. This is all so different from how I imagined it.
"It's not an excuse. I've been working and had a long shift. It often happens that my han..."
"I've been waiting for you for an hour. I'm cold and I want to go home now," I interrupt him, getting quieter with every word I say. I'm still freezing and disappointed. So incredibly disappointed and sad too. I swallow dryly, the lump in my throat threatening to cut off my air. Is it disappointment or fear? The fact is, this is my first date with a man I'm not friends with. It's a date. My first. Male or female. My first date with another human being who is already driving me so crazy.

"What? Why?" asks Alec and I can clearly hear the confusion in his voice.
"I'm sorry... I just... I'm confused. You agreed to meet me outside the restaurant and I waited and froze. I thought you might have changed your mind. I've seen the dead mobile phone battery excuse in movies. It's a really bad one."
"It's not an excuse," Alexander replies. With a firm grip he holds me captive, as if I will disappear at any moment. A small part of me screams, 'Don't you pull your dick in Magnus Bane now. This is all you've ever wanted.' An even bigger part, however, whispers, 'Run.' And as if he can hear the voices in my head and their contest, Alexander's hands leave my upper arms, slide over the dark rough fabric of my coat. His hands disappear into the pockets of my coat. Warmth settles on cold and Alexander contorts his face in pity.

"Please stay," he whispers. "And let me explain.
"Okay," I reply in an equally whispered voice.
"Your hands are freezing. That's not good. Why didn't you go to the restaurant? My brother-in-law is saving a table for us. You didn't have to stand in the cold," he says and I can do nothing but stare at him in disbelief. How was I supposed to know?
"How was I supposed to know?", I ask.
"Magnus, I'm terribly sorry. This is not how I imagined this evening would be," he replies with a sigh. No, neither did I. In my imagination it was so very different and disappointed, I lower my head so that the telltale tears in my eyes don't show him the full extent of my pain.

☃️🎄🎁

What Magnus says:
Itu ide yang bodoh. Magnus Agung. Benar benar hebat.
That was a stupid idea. That's great, Magnus. Really great.