That. Was. Unbelievable. Fuck. Why did I go so long without anal sex? Why? I don't know anymore right now. My whole body shakes with ecstasy, I feel free and infinitely light. The feeling of floating and never again do I want to land on the floor. I can hardly believe what has happened. Magnu's body, his scent and the longing in his eyes drove me completely crazy. It cost me a lot of self-control to at least give him some time to prepare for my penis. How I would have loved to just grab Magnus, press him firmly into the sheets and sink my cock deep into his ass. He wouldn't have been the first man to suddenly lie under me without warning. But not everyone likes it and sometimes this behaviour can have serious consequences. A long time ago, I vowed not to make that mistake again.

Magnus was so willing and ready, his face contorted with lust, so close to climax just because the plug was massaging his willing hole. Not once did he touch my penis, clawing hard into my chest, and I was on the verge of just lifting him onto my begging cock. Fucking him hard, the way he and I needed it. The sight of him made me so crazy and I knew this night would change everything. I became so addicted to him. His beautiful shining eyes, the little emeralds in an ocean of lust. Those soft lips, tender and sensual, my downfall and my salvation. Never again would I want another man by my side, never again would I allow dreariness and everyday life, stress and the inability to talk, to lead me straight into the arms of a stranger. Magnus is the man I have been looking for for so long. I almost gave up hope, saw myself as an old geezer in the toilets of dim bars with my cock in the throat of some young guy. The only chance for an adventure.

But with Magnus it's different. I feel high, out of my mind and can barely think straight. He's all I've ever wanted. Magnus has gone straight to my heart. As powerful and intense as no man has been before him. I open my eyes lazily and am startled by the sight in the mirror above us. Magnus lies huddled on his side, his back turned to me, trembling. His whole body trembles, his face buried deep in the sheets, and fear overcomes me. What has happened? Does he regret it? Did I misread his signs and it wasn't as nice for him as it was for me?
"Magnus?", I ask cautiously, hearing it clearly now. My selfishness and the intoxicating effect of a male body have completely dominated me. How could this have happened? How could I not see the obvious? Magnus lies sobbing beside me, he seems so lost and the trembling of his body is increasing. I reach for the blanket at the end of the bed and carefully pull it over us. Magnus reaches for the first corner he can reach and wraps himself protectively in the warming fabric.

"Magnus?", I ask again and in a much quieter voice.
"Please talk to me."
"About what?" he sobs, and it almost tears my heart. I have no idea why he is crying, what is the trigger for this outburst of emotion. They are not tears of joy and happiness. But sadness and... no, that can't be. Pain? Fuck.
"What can I do? Talk to me, please. Talk to me," I say desperately.
"Alexander, I... Never mind," he replies, sighing. 'Never mind? 'It's not indifferent. Magnus is not well. Something is bothering him and I want to know what it is. Tears on this scale after phenomenal sex don't bode well.
"It does matter. I want to know what's going on. Why are you crying?", I say, upset. It's not fair to Magnus, I know that. But I have a feeling he's not going to give me any answers. Not willingly.
"Don't shout at me. Please," he whispers. I didn't shout. Did I scream? What makes him think that?

I am confused, finally want to know why Magnus is crying and hold him in my arms. So I do the only thing that would help me at such a moment. Slowly, I turn onto my side, looking at Magnus' handsome back, his slightly darker skin and full black hair. Just lightly, my fingertips touch his skin, running down his spine and side. Coming to rest on Magnu's lower belly, I feel him tense up and try to breathe as little as possible. Without saying a word, I nestle against Magnu's back, feel the warmth of his body and bury my face in the crook of his neck. He smells of sex and desire, salt and Magnus.
"Something happened. And I want us to talk about it. You're too important to me to just ignore the fact that you're apparently crying over our sex. I'm not. I can't," I say, finishing my words with a kiss below his earlobe. Another sob leaves his mouth and Magnus reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers together. Noisily the held air leaves his lungs. Magnus needs time and I give it to him.

I have no idea how long we lie in this position. I feel Magnus as close as possible to my body and yet I have the feeling that he is miles away from me. My cum sticks between our bodies, I hold Magnus with my legs and feel the moisture between us. Magnus' belly and chest are also wet with his lust and I feel so infinitely stupid right now. I have to remake the bed and Magnus has to take a shower. Fuck, how could I forget?
"I'll show you where the bathroom is okay?", I whisper and breathe another one on his neck.
"I already know your bathroom. But it doesn't matter. I can't get down the stairs anyway," he replies quietly.
"I have an extra bathroom up here."
"Mhmh, it's fine." I don't know what it is. But Magnus worries me.
"Magnus, can you stand up?", I ask cautiously and see him shake his head slightly.
"I don't think so. At least it doesn't feel like it." Slowly, the pieces of the puzzle begin to form a new picture in my mind. I just need to put them in the right places.

"You should take a shower and I'll quickly re-make the bed. Then you can snuggle in while I jump in the shower real quick. Sound good?" The sobbing lessens and I release my grip from Magnu's fingers, turning his head in my direction and sighing loudly. Little stars glisten in his eyes, tears covering the sparkling emeralds with a silver veil. My heart thumps loudly on the floor. Seeing Magnus like this is incredibly hard. Countless questions form in my head, but answers remain distant. I close my eyes briefly, take a deep breath and even before the breath leaves my lips, they are soft and sensual on Magnus'. Emotionally and gently, just as light as a feather, his sweet sin touches me. Kisses are not always demanding and wild, impetuous and hot. They can also be caressing and healing, tender and fragile. That's exactly how it is between us right now. This kiss says so much more than any words I could find. Magnus is important to me and I am not ready to let him go just like that. With pain in my heart and confusing thoughts. Slowly Magnus calms down again and finally nods slightly. I feel the movement as a tickling caress on my lips, feel hot breath mingling with mine.

"Come on, I'll help you stand up. Okay?"
"Okay," he replies and I stand up, offering my hand to Magnus and am relieved when he takes it.
"You're in pain, aren't you?", I ask directly and Magnus looks ashamedly at the blanket which lies protectively over his legs and private parts. It's been three years since my last sex and I haven't really paid attention to whether Magnus needs time to get used to me or not. Whether the pace and intensity of my thrusts excited him as much as they excited me. Will didn't care. He loved it when I thrust into him hard and fast. How could I have been so stupid? However, not every man is into bassed hound.
"Magnus. I'm sorry. Let's talk," I plead, sounding slightly exasperated.
"I always imagined it differently," I hear him say.
"What?", I ask in amazement. And then the aching realisation hits me like a blow. No, blow is an understatement. Like an avalanche, his words from the previous evening crash over me. 'First date... His embarrassment during our conversations... Not coming out... His insecurity...

"You know what?" I say harshly and swallow the thick lump in my throat that now rests heavy as lead inside me.
"I'm going to run you some bath water. You'll be incredibly tired afterwards. But it will do you good. We can still talk tomorrow."
"Okay," Magnus answers and gives me a shy smile which makes my heart stumble for a short moment.
"But first...", I say with a groan and bend over Magnus, fishing for the pack of tissues on the nightstand. My chest touches his and I can still feel the heat of his body.
"... You can clean yourself with this. The bath water will do the rest. Oh and you get to choose the bath foam too. I have Sweet Apple pie, Princess Dream with glitter, Strawberry Unicorn - also very popular or.... and this smells really heavenly, cedar wood with jojoba oil. The perfect combination to relax." A huge question mark hovers over Magnu's head and just in time I suppress a loud laugh. Instead, I bite my lower lip. Magnus looks absolutely adorable. His eyes dart nervously back and forth, searching for a point to fix on, yet finding no rest. He seems slightly overwhelmed by my choice and quite honestly, so would I be.
"Do you want to smell like a strawberry field or would you rather the quiet forest?", I ask.

"I don't care. You decide. I need to sort myself out first," Magnus replies and I am relieved that he has left the decision to me. Cedar, then. I love Charlie and only have a selection of fruity floral bath additives on the edge of the tub for some reason. But on my partner, I still prefer a masculine masculine scent. And this one is perfect. The water runs into the spacious tub and I hear the gentle lapping and the softly crackling foam. My thoughts, however, are on Magnus and the ever-present question of whether I have crossed a line. I was such an idiot, driven by years of consuming unbridled passion. When you have a steady partner for such a long time, the question of sexual preferences is not important. You discover together, you know each other and your partner's favourite position. And mine is definitely bassed hound and barebacking. I didn't have to ask Will for permission. He practically offered himself to me and at the beginning of our relationship I found it extremely horny. But that changed over the years. And somehow, in the last few years since we broke up, I've always had the fear on the back of my neck that it will be like that again. That my partner would restrict me, wouldn't give me the space I needed to process my thoughts of hopelessness and sadness. My job is not easy. I am surrounded by death and sorrow, but also joy and confidence. It is time to turn my life in a different direction. To accept that it is not only my work as a doctor and my small remaining family that exist.

There behind that door, in my bedroom, lies a man who has awakened long-lost feelings in me. Who has my fullest attention with every word that comes out of his mouth and in my imagination already wears a fine silver ring on his finger. I cannot undo what has happened. It was a mistake that should not have happened. Magnus is worth paying attention to. The blowjob in the bathroom was one of the most erotic things in a long time. He looked so beautiful and fascinated I listened to his moans. At the same time, it made me happy and excited me immensely. I wanted Magnus at any price. But I would have waited too. I'm not sure right now if he'd ever had sex like I thought he had. His words said otherwise. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The first time with a man is different than with a woman. Earlier, in our teenage years and first experiences, I had many conversations with Jace. There were hardly, no actually any secrets between us. Even though as a straight man he knew nothing about gay sex in practice, he was my first port of call and I asked him for advice. It was the same with him. We valued each other's opinions very much. Jace was always honest and open to new things. If he were still alive, he would have received a message from me long ago asking to meet me tomorrow.

When I enter my bedroom, Magnus is lying on his stomach, his head resting on his arms and I gaze raptly at his handsome face. Black thick lashes rest on caramel-coloured skin and I sigh softly. He looks so relaxed and peaceful. I wish he was too.
"Are you staring at me?" he asks, chuckling, and I feel caught. Yes I was staring. Who wouldn't have? After all, the most beautiful man in the world is in my bed.
"How could I not. When do you ever get the chance to watch an angel sleep?"
"I'm not an angel," he replies, slightly indignant, looking at me out of twinkling eyes.
"I'm God." Yes he is. To me he is a divine being and without further ado I decide to carry this enchanting man into the bathroom like a god-king. Before Magnus can utter a word of protest, he is in my arms, clutching my neck with strain.
"Alexander. What are you doing?" he asks excitedly.
"Carrying my god into the bathtub," I reply calmly. Magnus doesn't resist, doesn't fidget wildly or try to escape from my arms. Instead, he nestles his head in the crook of my neck and I hear him say softly, "We really need to talk. There's something you should know."

In no time at all, I've changed the bed and am now sitting behind Magnus in the bathtub. At first I was unsure if it was right and if he wanted it. But Magnus took the decision from me by holding out his hand to me, thus pushing all doubts aside. Without hesitation I sat down behind him, stretched out my legs next to his and Magnus immediately leaned his back against my chest. Familiarity and peace settled over us. My fingers gently stroke through Magnus' hair, the other hand rests over the place where his heart beats firmly and steadily in his chest. The scent of cedar with that characteristic balsamic woody and spicy note is in the air. Silvery foam bubbles burst softly, the crackling and Magnu's breath form their own melody. I could lie here forever, with Magnus in my arms, warmth, security and silence. Absolute silence and stillness, balm for the soul and constantly spinning thoughts.

Briefly I stop the caressing of his hair. Magnus seems nervous, slides across the smooth floor of the bathtub, tries to find a new position. Faster, the life muscle in his chest pulses, pressing hard against my fingertips. His chest rises and falls faster, I stroke his warm moist skin soothingly and give him time to collect himself. We haven't spoken a word to each other since the hot water warmed our limbs.
Suddenly he breaks away from my embrace. I look at his back with the beautiful sweep of defined muscles and the bubbles of foam, rainbow glistening on his soft skin. Magnus sits in front of me with his forearms propped on his knees and his head bowed. He wants to say something but can't find a start. My hands slide into the fragrant bubble bath, stroke Magnus' lower back, up to his shoulder blades and neck, spreading foam in circular motions and Magnus hums softly. With a firm grip, not too strong but adequate to relieve the tension in his neck, I massage the muscles and puncture some trigger points next to the cervical spine. Magnus gasps, enjoys the soothing relaxation and suddenly starts talking. Partly confusing words leave his mouth like a gushing waterfall. I listen, soak it all up like a sponge and now understand him all the better.

"I always imagined my first time differently. I don't know... Easier somehow, gentler."
"I knew..."
"No Alexander. Please let me finish first. This isn't easy for me," he says quickly and I stop the massage, placing my lips on his warm skin and spreading soft kisses in acknowledgement. I don't want him to be afraid to talk to me about it.
"This isn't making it any easier right now," he whispers.
"Hmmm," I reply and just keep going, gently and feather-lightly running over each vertebrae over to my shoulder and resting my head on it. Magnus takes a deep breath, gathering strength and power.

"I knew early on that I was into men. Women were never interesting. At school I hid, pretended to be heterosexual. Just normal and not unnatural. There were many dark hours during my teenage years. I would be lying if I said that everything was rosy and great for me. My parents worked around the clock to put at least one hot meal a day on the table. I was alone a lot, went to school and studied non-stop. I didn't want my parents' life. The older I got, the harder it became to play a Magnus, which I was not. Photogravure has always helped me process my feelings and emotions. The day after my 18th birthday, my parents talked about an arranged marriage for the first time. I thought at that moment my life was over now. My hands were shaking and I felt ice cold. I was scared and already saw myself as a broken man at my own wedding. Luckily, I was able to stop my parents for the time being. But the subject is not yet off the table and I am struggling with myself whether to come out or not. At one point I was on the verge. I was frustrated, depressed and sexually charged. Before I could say anything, my dad was ranting about a video he saw on the internet and of course had to show my mum and me. A successful actor confessed his homosexuality and was beaming up to both ears. The relief was clear to see and in the meantime he is happily married. With his co-star. Unbelievable how life sometimes develops and fate strikes. Inside I was going crazy. This man was very often the main character in my fantasies and dreams. I was very happy for him and his partner. And my father, yes, he let one anti-gay slogan after another follow. And that was it with my resolution to stand by what I was. I hated life. Sex dominated my thoughts and unfortunately so did a heterosexual man. Every night I prayed for God to deliver me. That he would help me end my life. Alexander, I never talked about it. There was no one I could confide in. I wanted to die, didn't want the life of a gay man. But it was always clear to me that I would not come out in these circumstances that prevail in Indonesia. I often thought about letting a tourist take my virginity in a dim, dirty alley. But honestly, the thought made me nauseous every time. Because deep down I knew I didn't want to experience my first time standing up in some backyard or dodgy hotel. Nor should the man be some guy from the internet or a suitor."

Magnu's story touches me deeply and reminds me a lot of the young man from Indonesia I met on my trip. He too lived a hidden life, was afraid of the future and by now I also know that he is no longer alive. His wife found a photo of us and the address of my parents. I remember the picture. She wrote me a letter and as fate sometimes sees fit to do, she knew all these years that something was wrong with him. He never came out, left a letter with a single sentence which is burnt deep into my memory. Saya akhirnya bebas. - I am free at last. Magnus must have felt the same way. I cried a lot, even though I didn't really know him and we had only spent one night together, I was infinitely sad. No one should have to live in fear. Everyone deserves to be who they are. Free in their thoughts and actions.

"You were a virgin?" I ask the obvious and Magnus nods. I wrap my arms around his torso, hugging him tightly to me and exhale in relief as Magnus nestles into my arms.
"Yes I was. I wanted it so badly. I wanted you. My romantic idea of candlelight, soft music in the background and tender kisses was already quite cheesy. I am aware of that. I was slightly overwhelmed, I knew I had to say something. It hurt and I could hardly breathe. But you were so intoxicated, caught up and I was torn. Didn't know what to do and just lay there waiting for it to be over. At some point I could still enjoy it. But until then, it was torture. I wanted it and then I didn't want it. Not like that. More tenderly. You didn't even use a condom. I may be inexperienced, but I'm not stupid. The chances of catching any of the various diseases are high. You know, since I've been living in New York, I can finally catch up on the experiences I could only dream of in Jakarta. There is a small shop, totally inconspicuous from the outside, but inside there is everything a gay man's heart desires. The owner takes his time every time I visit and we chat for a while about different topics. I bought my first toys from him and he explained the different options and how to use them with angelic patience. I am very grateful to him and even though I had already used a plug many times to help me masturbate, it is something else suddenly... you know what I want to say."
"It's different to have sex with a man and feel his penis inside you. Not having control over the pace and intensity. Or just inserting a plug. Although simple is the wrong word. Not every man likes that. I know that all too well," I finish his sentence.
"What do you mean by that?" asks Magnus and I decide to be as openly honest with him as he was with me. He's clearly having a hard time talking about it. Who wants their date to know how inexperienced they actually are? No one.

"My ex wanted to top, but I wouldn't let him," I answer honestly, waiting for Magnu's reaction.
"I see."
"No Magnus, you don't understand. I don't like it. It's not that I haven't tried. During high school I had my first boyfriend and we experienced many things together. Hardly a day went by without us having sex or at least a blowjob. I was in love with him and obsessed with the intoxicating feeling of orgasm. After we broke up, I found other ways to get quick anonymous sex. Just satisfaction. But I didn't want to get fucked. That wasn't my thing. And it still is."

"Are you still in contact with your ex?" asks Magnus cautiously. Knowing about past love affairs has brought many a relationship to its knees. I'm not sure how tolerant Magnus is of my love life. But I owe him the truth. If we're going to make this work, and I want it to work, I can't keep this from him. The first time is formative, especially for a man as inexperienced as Magnus.
"Which one?" I ask, chuckling, and immediately feel like slapping myself. Magnus turns to me with a jerk, the water moves in waves through the bathtub and lands slapping on the dark brown tiles. He looks at me in horror, his eyes radiating a tremendous restlessness. Wildly flickering green emeralds dance in the liquid gold of his irises. And even if a storm is raging in them right now and Magnus seems unsettled, he has never looked more beautiful than at this moment. I gaze enraptured at his beautiful face, deep black thick lashes lying protectively around the mirror of his soul. The slightly parted lips, soft pink and cheeks heated by the warmth of the water. Everything about him is just perfect and I gently stroke his lips. Hot breath tickles the tip of my thumb and immediately the memory of our lovemaking in the bathroom is back.
"Don't worry Magnus. There is no one else in my life. Simon sends me a Christmas card every year with a photo of his husband and the three children. And Will, I haven't seen him since we broke up. The rest is insignificant. Don't torture yourself with details. That's in the past and it doesn't matter. What matters is the here and now and our future."
"Future," Magnus whispers and that single word sends tingling shivers across my skin.

"During college, I often went to barebacking parties. A fellow student organised the events. We were young and just wanted to have fun. I quickly took a liking to it. There was a fixed circle, precise arrangements. Everyone knew the preferences of the others. Taboos were openly expressed and otherwise you could do whatever you felt like. Without regard for hurt feelings or feelings in general. None of the men was looking for love. We wanted to drink, do coke and fuck. I only preferred fucking. At some point I stopped going."
"Why?" asks Magnus.
"Why? Because of Scott. He showed up at my door one day. My flatmate wasn't there. I remember exactly how lost he looked. He was pale and shaking. At first I thought Scott was on a bad trip. That the coke was wrong and wanted to grab him and take him to the hospital. Then he completely freaked out and was crying and screaming. After he calmed down a bit, he told me that he had been to the hospital and had an HIV test. At that moment I felt so... I can't describe it. Horrified, angry at myself and him and the world. I was terrified and could hardly breathe. The next day I sat in the hospital and had a test done. Those were the worst weeks of my life. I imagined all the horror scenarios, pored over reference books and went to a counselling session. I hated myself so much. When the result was negative, I broke down crying. For the next few years, I only had sex with a condom. Until I met Will. When things got serious between us we both took a test. And since that day, I've never used a condom again. I'm sorry, Magnus. I reacted the wrong way."