Me: Be quiet guys or someone'll call the police.
Kaitlyn: What, are they going to arrest us for laughing?
Me: No, but everyone is drinking.
Kaitlyn: *looks at her drink* Ohhhhhh

Dani: What's the difference between sex and gender?
Michelle: Sex is down here, gender is up here. *points to forehead*
Dani: On your forehead?
Me: Yep, I looked at your forehead and I thought, yep, that's a man.

Me: If I wake up to Dani dancing on me today I'm going home
Dani: You are home

Me: Look it's Cameleopardus! Oh, wait, no, that's just part of the Big Dipper.

Dani: I did something to your room and you're not going to like it.
Me: Did you shit somewhere?

Kaitlyn: Shelby go put some pants on.
Me: You not my dad!

Dani: Did Kaitlyn lock the door? *opens the door to Kaitlyn going to the bathroom* Hi. *blows confetti on her and closes the door*

Kaitlyn: You have confetti in your toilet.
Me: It's celebrating

Me: I gotta put on a bra
Dani: No you don't ಠ◡ಠ
Me: Trust me, you do not want these bad boys out

Dani: Tickle, tickle, tickle your butthole! *makes a popping sound*
Everyone: *cringes*

Nana: Here take a jelloshot.
Me: Nana those kids are sophomores.
Nana: It's okay

Michelle: Aaron is hot
Me: That's our cousin
Michelle: Okay but he's hot
Me: You're the reason no one likes white people

Me: Brendan is like a big buffalo- and that's a compliment! The bison is actually the national mammal!
Dani: We have a national mammal?
Me: Yeah, it's a bison

Dani: Those fireworks look like little sperms

Lindsey: Those fireworks caught my house on fire

Nick: Real world problems are caused by people that come from John Glenn
Me: And terrorists.

Update: I found 5 mosquitoes bites, three of which are on my butt :(