[Warning: this will get uncomfortable for you if you're not used to talking about sexuality or sexual attraction. If you're uncomfortable with talks about sexuality then I'd seriously just click away now. Really, save yourself the awkwardness. It's not gonna offend anyone.]

As you probably know, it's Pride Month, so everyone who's out gets to go to Pride parades and there's art out there for gays, bis, pans, trans, and the occasional ace, which is great!

It's just... There's a lot of mixed feelings there for me.

First of all, some of you might not know what my sexuality is. I only told a select few people at first, and then I put it in my Hetalia Drabbles. It's sorta been hinted at, but that doesn't mean you know what it is.

I am greysexual.

It's an orientation under the ace (asexual) umbrella. It means that you rarely experience sexual attraction and when you do it's basically few and far between.

And it's awkward to talk about. I hate it so much.

When you come out as gay, you can word it "I like boys" or "I like girls"

How the hell do you causally say, "Hey mom, I hardly experience sexual attraction but I still can :)"

Because that's not an awkward conversation.

HOW DO YOU COME OUT TO PEOPLE WHEN NO ONE KNOWS WANTS TO HEAR THAT

Seriously, I've tried. I really have tried to come out to my friends in real life.

First, Karly. I remember when we just got out of lunch, and I told her I was asexual (at the time I hadn't heard the term greysexual so there was no way for me to identify as one, and asexual was as close as it got with my knowledge of orientations at the time). And she literally just kept walking. Didn't say anything, didn't continue the conversation, or even acknowledge what I said. So, of course, that made me not only worry that I might have just ruined a friendship, but I was thinking, "What the hell is wrong with me? No one's going to understand what that means."

Well, later that year, I tried to tell my friend Ashley. Ashley had a couple gay friends and so I basically figured she'd be a little more knowledgable about other orientations and I tried to come out to her.

I... Will never forget the look on her face.

Just... Disgusted that those words came out of my mouth. That's the nicest way I can say it.

At this point I'm thinking I really am a freak. I still get upset thinking about it, so I'm just gonna skip to the next attempt.

This one was at the end of the school year, last year, when my friend's crush had slept with our other friend. And she was like, "Why are all boys bad?" And I think I said something as casual as possible, like, "I wouldn't really know, being an asexual and all."

And she ignored me and switched the topic.

She literally switched from talking about this boy, which was obviously bothering her, to the soccer game we were watching. She completely flipped the conversation after I said that and that really bothered me.

So basically, even though I've thought about doing it over and over again, I stopped trying to come out to people.

Plus, I really just feel like greysexuality is completely invalid sometimes. I feel like I'm in this awkward limbo between heterosexuality and asexuality... And I wonder to myself if that's even possible.

And to be honest, it scares me. Who wants to date someone who doesn't feel anything, you know, physically. It's like I'm dead. I can make emotional connections with people and I've had crushes in the past but I don't feel attracted to people... In that way?

See how this is weird and awkward and why I don't tell people anymore?

It's so infuriating.

And like, stuff has happened in the past that made me realize I wasn't as inclined to the... Physical attraction or anything of that nature. So like, I know I'm not heterosexual. I almost fit as an asexual.

Except I've felt attracted to someone in that matter once.

ONCE

But asexual is no physical attraction... so I can't identify with that.

Which leaves me as a greysexual.

I just

It is so...

Sad.

It makes me sad.

I'm not straight, so I feel like I'm keeping this huge secret... but it's not a well-known orientation and it's awkward to explain. The world that's becoming so much more accepting of the LGBT+ community... and I still feel like I don't fit anywhere.

You won't ever find a greysexual represented anywhere, that's for sure.

All right, I guess I'm done ranting. Sorry that you read all that.