So. There's been something I've been wanting to tell you guys for a while. It's something that will probably confuse you and make you ask, "... Why would you want to tell us something like this?"

First off, I know the stereotype that this sort of thing is for attention. I can't stop you from thinking that, but please, from the bottom of my heart, know that I'm not looking for any type of attention in telling you this. I hate attention, whether negative or positive, so I'm not really trying to attract any.

That leads me to the second point, which is why it took me so long to tell you guys this. I wanted to tell you guys. I really did. Thoughts like this are really heavy and poisonous to the mind, but I didn't think it was fair to tell you guys. Even my closest friends. I came really close to telling Dreamz one time... but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because it wasn't fair.

I'm only telling you now because it's over. It has been for almost a month, and it still may be wrong to tell you this, but 1) I feel like before this year ends, I need to face my demons and get this off my chest, and 2) I'm sorta taking telling you guys as practice for telling my parents... because it needs to be addressed.

For the last couple months, I've been having... suicidal thoughts?

I put a question mark at the end because I'm not quite sure if they fall under that category. I haven't thought about performing the actual action of killing myself. I don't believe in that; I'm sorta conservative in that way I suppose, but I do believe that killing yourself is kinda like a one-way ticket to Hell. It's one of the very few conservative beliefs I hold on to.

But I did have this voice... that's the only way I can explain it. At first, it just came when I was stressed or crying. I'd get this thought that I was better off dead. That started early October. It got worse though. I kept think that none of my life was even worth it. That I was never gonna get a break for the anxiety and stress. That it would be easy just to end it for myself. I began to question what was worth living for. At one point the thought crossed my mind that after I come back from Winnipeg would be the perfect time to do it... when I actually realized the fact that I had subconsciously set a date for myself, I became so scared. I started losing a lot of sleep, my face and shoulders were breaking out, food actually became tasteless at the worse of it... and instead of those thoughts coming when I was stressed, they would come to me all the time. Doing homework, listening to music, watching the Office, while I was laughing.

I'd get these thoughts while laughing with my friends and generally having a good time and being happy, that everything would be easier if I just ended it.

I cried in the shower a lot. It was the only place where no one would hear me and question me... I hid it, but at the same time I really wanted to tell someone. Anyone. But my parents were so stressed with my sister's knee... it wasn't right to throw my mental issues on them, and then the holidays came... it wasn't the right atmosphere.

And it wasn't right to tell you guys. What could you do? None of you could help me, you all live miles away. If you knew what was going on... well, it would just weigh on your mind, which wasn't something I wanted you guys to go through.

I wouldn't be telling you guys this if I wasn't better. Like I said, I haven't had any of these thoughts since the beginning of December. We read this book in English called Death of a Salesman. The main character commits suicide at the end... and I kind of saw how pointless that was, no matter how bad your life got... and those thoughts sorta ebbed away after that.

Those two months were probably some of the scariest I've ever experienced. I had no idea what was happening. I've had fits of depression once in a while ever since 7th grade, but this is the worst it's ever gotten.

Which is why I'm practicing telling my parents right now. Because I don't think this is something I can ignore anymore, that's pretty obvious. I plan on telling them after Easter; I KNOW, you're probably thinking that'a really far off, but my mom's getting surgery again and we have a cruise in February. We'll probably go to Florida for Spring Break and I don't want to ruin everything just yet.

To my really close friends, the one's that have me and even some of my family and friends on social media; please don't tell my sisters or anything. Let my family hear this from me, please. I want them to hear this from me. I promise I have no intention on keeping this a secret for too much longer.

And... I'm sorry. For those of you who are closer to me, this may have been hard to read... just know that I feel fine now. I'm sleeping again, my anxiety is down, and I haven't had any of these thoughts since early December. I promise I'm fine.

Thank you for listening. Take this part how you want to, just... please, don't treat me like I'm any different than I was before you knew this. I'm still the same person. Don't treat me like some sort of ticking time bomb... I just want to leave this behind with 2016, with the rest of the shitty stuff that has happened. Please let me do that.

Au revoir.