Taehyung’s P.O.V.

“There…good to go” I smile buttoning up her overall and picking her up “Dad needs to pick something for Appa…so you gotta help him, okay?”

I pull on a jacket as I grab the car keys and head out.

Soohee stays perched on my arm, more delighted about the fact that we were out of the house than the reason behind it. But the moment I stepped inside the store her little mouth parted in bewilderment, snapping her head in every direction as she tried to trace all the lights, the colours and the glitters with wide wonderstruck eyes. I’m quite the same, I don’t like crowded places so I avoid such places with too many faces, too many noises and I guess she understood that as well.

“Dad-da star-star!” Her excited hands coiled about my neck “many-many star!” And I laughed a little, rubbing my hand on her back to get her to calm down.

I was here to pick up our wedding rings, and with as little knowledge I have about it I just told myself to man up and get on with it. The first mission had been declared and in a few days I’ll have to join Jungkook and Hoseok for an infiltration Namjoon had planned. I wanted to propose to Jin properly before I went…he deserves it, and honestly I can’t wait to see the ring on his finger…I have waited a really long time to see that.

It took us about an hour to choose, and I settled on simple wedding bands engraved with a ‘the love of my life’ 

“Think he’ll like it…?” I smiled as she watched the rings with sparkling eyes, and I couldn’t help but kiss her head feeling a sudden rush of hope and joy take over and she pushed my face away, more interested in the glittering bands than my fondness at the moment.

“You little…you like’em more than me, eh?”
She grabs the box out of my hand trying her best to understand how it opens.

“Appa’s gonna be all mine when I marry him you know” I kiss her head again and she doesn’t even bother to pay any attention to my words, being utterly concerned with the little box in her hand. Silly as it is, I enjoy how she puts up this moody attitude for me still…but I can tell I’ve grown on her. I’d say it was the best decision I took to let Jin go back to work, it made Soo learn to rely on me “and you can’t yell for his attention all the time…ok? We’ve got to come to an understanding, you hear me?”

“Dad-da” she whines, holding the box up for me, finally frustrated with her failed trials to turn to seek help from me to get it open.

I grab at it, pocketing it while she began throwing a tantrum against my actions and I knew I’d have to distract her with a sweeter deal “you wanna go see Minjae?”

I knew it’d work, she looked delighted at the suggestion and forgot everything as she kept repeating that she wanted to see Minjae. I set her in the baby seat before getting in the car.

“I heard…Hoseok told me that you declared it at the felicitation ceremony, congratulations again on that award and on your new achievement Colonel” Jimin spoke as he came to sit by me, grabbing at the box eagerly and holding his breath as he opened it “oh…it’s beautiful”.

Soohee and Minjae played delightfully, loud giggles and happy shrieks like music to my ears floated in the room and I smiled “how did I get here? It all still feels like a dream…”

Jimin turned towards the two tumbling and hopping gleefully around the living room “true, I cannot believe it either…be careful on the mission, it will be too harsh on him if he has to lose you a second time…or third?”

“It’d probably be fifth or sixth…I don’t know though, I lost count of how many times I have disappointed him” I chuckled, suddenly realizing how much pain and trouble I have actually put him through.

I sighed, not like the same fear has not kept me up for nights as Jin slept peacefully in my arms…I know he is trying his best to accept my decision but I can feel how worried he is about it.

He gets terrified of the tiniest of things these days, like he threw a fit and yelled at me and Hoseok for leaving a gun on a table top in the living room, fearing what could happen if Soo had touched it as he disregarded our assurances that it was unloaded till he finally calmed down and cried for the next hour. The worst was, at times like those he blocked me out completely…and I waited alone realizing slowly that everything I have put him through had made him strong enough to deal with his pains alone.

And as assuring as that was…it terrified me now to think that he could live through pain without even needing me to help him through it…how easy it was for him to block me out and cry by himself till he felt strong enough again and came out to face me like nothing happened and he was fine.

He said he doesn’t want to burden me with his ‘silly cries’ as I tried to talk him out of this habit of his, especially because of how he’d say that I got much more serious and tough things to deal with. The helplessness those words had instilled in me was something I have rarely felt, I did try to tell him that no amount of ‘serious stuff’ is more important than him or his pain or worries or troubles and watched him smile to himself before he kissed my cheek, agreeing to share from next time and yet I have a feeling he didn’t really mean it.

Since it happened again when he had come home and hadn’t found us there and I returned home to find him crying and hyperventilating as he lost it and yelled at me again because my phone was switched off. I tried to assure him that we were just at the store and I didn’t realize that my phone’s battery had died. I assured him we were fine and tried to help him calm down but he suddenly paused in his outbreak and turned away to choose to lock himself in the shower instead. I guess it’s because he is worrying himself too much about the mission I had agreed to join, and despite how much I assure him that he doesn’t have to worry he doesn’t listen to me.

Honestly, I am worried about him…how do I help if he blocks me out like that?

“Hopefully it will be better from now…I intend to make it up to him”.

My gaze shifts the rings Jimin was still holding, I guess I’m being greedy and probably rushing into it but I believe Jin and I deserve this…we deserve to be happy, and now that I have him and Soo with me, why not make it official…and most importantly, Jin said yes…!

I couldn’t help but smile to myself “I think we deserve a happy ending.”
 

“Hey” Jin greeted us the moment I stepped in with Soo sleeping in my arm, head tucked into my shoulder.

“Oh when did you get back? Why didn’t you call me?” I voice, a little worried to face another livid outbreak.

“A while ago” he spoke coming up from the couch, kissing me before pulling Soo out of my arm “Jimin texted me that you were there, looks like she exhausted herself” he informed caressing her face and kissing her head.

I followed behind him on plain impulse as he headed to put her down in the crib.

“She finally seems to have cosied up to you” he spoke almost to himself “I was a bit scared to go back to work…it’s not like I doubted you or anything” he cleared just as instantly as he caught me perk a brow at him and affirms my trials to be a better father to Soo “I can tell you are trying”.

I chuckled wrapping an arm around him to pull him to myself and pecked at his cheek “I doubted myself too baby, we both know there’s no lying that I’m typically bad at it but yes I’m trying and am terribly thankful that she’s being a little understanding with me…she’s a tough one” “You should’ve seen her with the others in the early months…oh god she kept everyone up and running all the time” Jin laughed to himself, changing her and tucking her in “Kook was possibly the only one who could get through to her without any issue at those times”.

I pulled him into a back hug, placing my chin on his shoulder as he kept talking. Honestly, I feel grateful to all of them for being there for Jin when I couldn’t…it made me feel so utterly guilty and angry at the same time when Jin was pregnant and I was stuck behind bars, there were times when I envied all of them.  

Well, things are different now, I’m not upset anymore…I got more than I could ever wish for, him in my arms…our little girl sleeping peacefully…it doesn’t get better than this.  

“Hobi called” he spoke breaking away to head back into the living room, he seems really troubled these days but won’t talk no matter how many times I try to ask him what it is. He reacts in the most striking ways and then apologises to me. I know he has always been like this, hides away his troubles to wear a brave face.

“About what?”

“For dinner at their place this Saturday”
The dislike I felt to hear those words was instant…no it’s not that I hate Hoseok or their place or dinner…I just, I’m not good among people. It’s still fine because it’s them.

However, I do think I have become worse than I was before…guess I’ll just stick to Jin and he’ll help me get through it just like he always does.

Although life is undoubtedly a conundrum…

…and I guess somethings never really change no matter how much time has passed…

I can’t concentrate on Namjoon’s words as my mind stays occupied on Jin’s giggling voice and my gaze follows Jungkook working alongside him, my little girl in his arms as she cackles and coils her little arms around his neck. My eyes taking in every little detail while my ears are keen to listen to what they were talking about and enjoying so much before they head into the kitchen and an odd restlessness takes over me as I hear him talking about troubles at work, how I’m trying my best but struggling with Soo alone when he leaves and how he isn’t sure if it’s right of him to carry on with work, especially now that I was thinking about going away on missions.

I feel a weight press on my chest as I realize how easily he opens up to Jungkook, how cheery he sounds and how he talks to him about anything or everything without bother…I know they have been friends for a long time but that doesn’t do much to the agitation I feel inside.

Yeah…I guess somethings really never change…I still don’t feel comfortable to see Jungkook around Jin…the panic and anxiety I had gone through when he had kidnapped him still fresh in my mind…although the greater discomfort is to know that Jin is comfortable with sharing with him what he doesn't share with me...

“Taehyung…?” I snap back to reality as Namjoon’s words cut through my growing anxiousness.

“Yeah…” I cleared my throat, nodding at I don’t really know what.

“So, you’re okay with that right?” “With what?” My gaze flickers towards the kitchen again as I try to concentrate. We are currently at Hoseok and Yoongi’s place, gathered to have dinner and celebrate the accolades we had all received and about me being welcomed back as a Colonel.

“The infiltration…Jungkook will be accompanying you, I need Hoseok here” he states and my eyes snap towards the kitchen, to hear Jin’s tinkling laughter.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be just for a couple days…they’re gonna be fine, Hoseok and I will check on them”

“Yeah…I know” I nod to his words again “they’ll be fine, keep me posted on the plans.”

Of course, I worry…how can I not?

But there’s also this feeling of being incompetent that has me thinking every day the more I learn how many ways I actually lack…I’d say the worst feeling in the world would be wanting to be enough for the ones you love and value the most but know that you are not…

I keep learning this everyday but some days’ are worse than the others. Like the day Namjoon had called to come over to talk about the plans and about Byun’s sentence and Jungkook had come along, basically to visit Soohee because he didn’t seem interested in the conversation one bit.

Of course, Soo was right there with us, demanding adamantly to Jungkook to play with her or frolicking like a puppy in his lap. I could tell Jungkook genuinely loved her, the blank and awkward look that he usually held during get-togethers or among general people morphed into one of complete delight whenever he saw Soo.

I envy him for how he knew every little thing that she loved, how he knew exactly what to do when she got bossy and a troublesome mess or when she was inconsolable…but the toughest was watching her wail and throw a fit when he was leaving.

It may sound pathetic…but I wish she’d cry like that for me too…like she was going to lose something very valuable to her.

“I’ll set the table…Kook will you check the oven for me please” Jin’s voice brings me out of my thoughts as I watch him walking out of the kitchen to arrange the table for dinner and I can’t help but go to him, my nerves are practically on edge till I snake my arm around him and he jumps a bit turning towards me with startled eyes.

“Need some help?” “It’s alright, Kook is helping me out” he assures, turning about to focus on setting the table again.

“Where’s Soo?” I try not to look conspicuous as I keep my arm around him. I am aware that Jin has no such feelings for Jungkook, and neither do I worry about such stuff but there’s still this odd discomfort between Jungkook and me…actually it always was and will probably never go away. I don’t hate him…but I am always sceptical around him.

“She’s with Kook” he smiles adorably “she seems to have missed him terribly”

I am not jealous…but that doesn’t really make me feel all happy like Jin.

“Yeah…I guess” this is why I am not really good at these get-togethers’, I can’t help but gripe about Jin giving all his attention to everyone else, our little girl giggling and waddling about among others’ arms and I am just as awkward as always at events like these.

Jin slips out of my arm when Jimin calls him to help him with Minjae, and I watch Hoseok bickering with Jungkook to have Soohee now and Yoongi and Namjoon busy in their own conversation…and despite the agitation within I realize this is the closest I’ll probably ever be to have a real family.

“Ok..ok..that’s enough” I grumble carrying Soo away from Hoseok, they have been coddling my little girl for a while now…enough is enough.

“Eh no fair! I took care of her for months! She practically grew up in my arms! Don’t you dare do this now!” “I can definitely do this because I made her…she’s mine…make your own” I’m utterly spiteful at the moment, how dare they keep on playing with her like she’s some little doll…I hate it more because she lets them coddle her but keeps pushing me away whenever I try to do it. However, she gets stolen from me yet again as she whines to me to go to Yoongi now.

And yet, despite my dislikes to such loud crowded situations these few people will always be more than blood to me…

“Congratulations again” Hoseok bumped at my shoulder as we were all at the table having our dinner “you mess it up for him, I swear I’ll mess you up…mind it”

I frown at him for his odd choice of words “I already did that and he still said ‘yes’” I smirked back at him and saw him scoff at me and joked calling me lucky because Jin was stupid enough to fall in love with me.

Although I was engrossed in the conversation yet it didn’t miss my eyes how Jungkook fed Soo and how much of a sweetheart she was being, not messing up at all as she sat giggling at him.

“She just misses him…”

My thoughts were cut by Jin’s words as I felt him clasp at my hand and realised he had noted how I was scowling at Jungkook.

“Look at her…she makes it so troublesome for me to feed her…” I complained eyeing the little prankster “you know what I think…she takes revenge on me for not being there for you…” I thought out loud and Jin giggled.

“Yeah true that, she’s yours after all…getting revenge is in her blood” Jungkook spoke from the other side of the table, smirking at me.

The words made something tick inside me but I smiled it away “I guess it runs in the family”

However, his next words made my insides tighten as my blood boiled to hear him.

“I pray she doesn’t turn out like us…I wouldn’t want her to be related to our families in anyway though.”

“I don’t consider Byun my family” my voice had gone grave and enraged suddenly “unlike you, my family wasn’t comprised of all psychotic criminals”

I realised everyone had fallen silent, sitting stone cold as Jungkook’s eyes stayed hard against mine.

“You still cannot deny blood though…Byun is still your father no matter whether you consider it or not” Jungkook spoke, his usual lighter voice growing chilling cold now “I know you will probably never acknowledge it but you and I…we are the same…the only difference between us has always been luck…it favours you more than me”.

“I am nothing like you…you were Kai’s pet, I wanted them dead…if you think that’s the same thing then think again” I realised after the words slipped out of my mouth that I was being harsh as I felt Jin’s hand tighten on mine.

“Tae…” his voice was soft but I could see the disappointment in the little frown he directed at me. I realized they were all looking at me as if I was the one who had said something wrong and my jaw clenched to think if they really thought that I was exactly like Jungkook. Sure he’s on our side but he killed my brother, he fooled all of us for years! How can they just overlook all of that like it never happened?!

I pulled my hand out of Jin’s, heaving up from my seat as I made my way out of the house.

It’s a few minutes later when Jin comes and gets in the car, where I was waiting…more like grumbling to myself.

“Bring Soo…we’re going home” my voice comes out harsher than I intended and I heard Jin sigh.

“Tae what is wrong? Why are you being like this suddenly?” He sets his hand atop mine, caressing it as I tried not to look at him.

“Me? You think I was the-” I sigh agitated to think even Jin accuses me “It’s nothing…get Soo, I wanna go home”

“I heard from Namjoon that you suggested for Byun’s death sentence…is that troubling you?” “No what does that have to do with this?” I grumbled feeling my agitation rise as I got out of the car "fine I’ll get her".

Jin was still trying to talk and got out of the car behind me as well to follow along.

“Hobi wants her to stay-” “No…not Hoseok not Jungkook not anyone is keeping her here…we are going home! I don’t want you or my child around a murderer!”

I watch Jin stun by the car as I heave, my anger getting the best of me “just get inside the car!”

“What’s wrong with you? You said you wanted to be a part of the infiltration! I agreed to it only because you wanted to do it! You said you wanted to end this struggle once and for all…why are you being like this now?”

“Of course I want to end it! You think I have enjoyed living the way I have? You think I loved doing what I did?! Do you think I’m a psychopath as well?!!”

I watched Jin freeze before me watching my outburst with wide unblinking eyes “no I don’t think you are a psychopath, neither do I think that is Kook is one…Tae, why don’t you understand that Kook has been through the same thing…he too wants it to end…”

My teeth grits to hear him take his side and my anger turns to hurt.

“You say you love me and yet you keep me away” my voice grows cold and dull as I speak the words “I heard you talking to Jungkook about stuff you wouldn’t tell me. You fear being yourself before me and not him? Why?”

I realize my voice is breaking as I look into his eyes “I have always trusted you with my troubles and my shortcomings, I told you every terrible thing I ever did…I showed you the weakest parts of me…then why am I not good enough to be the same for you?”

Jin pales before me and denies to reply, eyes teeming with pain.

“Jin…?” I feel like I am pleading to hear him say something…assure me that I am wrong to think that he doesn’t trust me enough to reveal his pain to me.

“I don’t understand why are you bringing this up…I thought you’re upset with him” Jin fumbled looking unprepared but I realized he was still trying to cover up and looking away from what I had just asked of him.

“Ok” I try to breathe “I see how it is…”

I turn towards the house feeling dejected, the bitterness within me growing to a dull throbbing ache in my chest…debating if I took a rushed decision to propose to him when it certainly looks like he doesn’t trust me enough, I know he loves me…beyond his better judgement probably…and I am slowly beginning to realize that Jin never really let me see his pain…he barely ever speaks about what worries him, he’s always been the one to hold his troubles at bay to ensure people around him felt cared for. He was okay with being the shoulder to cry on for every tearful eye and heavy heart and in the midst of it all hid his own heart away in a cold dark corner, coiling into it and crying alone when it became too much for him.

I realised yet again how incompetent I actually am…

The car ride back home was a silent torture as Jin denied to look at me while Soo was asleep in the back seat.

“I wasn’t being mean to you…I trust you Tae, you know that…"

His voice is somber as he speaks, the gravity in his words strikingly loud as I wait for him to continue.

"It’s just that…it has been a habit…” Jin mumbled fidgeting and gulping, trying to do away the odd unease on his features as he kept his eyes on the window pane “I have always shared things with him, it comes naturally…even though there’s been troublesome times between me and him, he has somehow always been there to listen to me…”

And now I’m debating if I wanted the reply or not but I do understand what he means…although I have loved him, I have never really been there to hold him and help him through his troubles…more like I’m the one who messed up things for him, gave him the pain he needed help to cope with…

“I love you, you’re everything to me…I would never wish for anything other than what we have” he turns towards me, eyes moist with brimming tears as he spoke “and I know why you hate him, I know who he was and I’m aware of what he has done but…” he gulps dropping his gaze to his lap “I can’t blame him for what I know he has suffered, he is important to me…always will be…I’m sorry for the things he had done that hurt you but...I can never hate him Tae…”

Well, at least he was trying to open up to me…but a gnawing feeling took over the back of my throat, my mind inadvertently growing darker with brewing emotions of hurt, contempt and anger.

“Even though you know he had tried to kill me…?” He keeps his head low, choosing not to answer so I decided to ask another question “will you hate me if I kill him?”

His head shoots up towards me, eyes big with fear “Tae, what are you even talking about?!”

“Nevermind…I was just asking” but I got the answer…

á na márië.

[A\N] I'll resume updating this story again now that I have plotted the finale.

I apologise for the wait

Borahae💜