Official Report

British Intelligence

Code:3986

Kathleen Winfred

Things were not the same after Virginia’s death.

I had come to know what it is to lose someone you care about, and it was a feeling I never wanted to experience again.

As the days passed, and turned into weeks, which turned into a month, I became more and more unbearable to everyone around me.

I had become (irrationally) convinced that, somehow, by attempting to control every aspect of my loved ones’ lives, I could make sure that nothing bad happened to them.

I became almost obsessive.

Pirot needed to run an errand in town; Albert was on guard duty and couldn’t accompany her. I insisted on going with her, much to her frustration.

I made several trips outside during work details to check on Matthew and Jessica. The most recent time, I noticed that they shared a glance of concern: concern for me. I was confused. Didn’t they realize I was just trying to protect them?

The list of prisoners who would be moving on when the date of the winter transfer arrived was something that I awaited with much anxiety.

Every day, without fail, I would ask Freidrich if the list had arrived, to which he would patiently reply “not yet”.

Not only that, but I would pester Freidrich about everything, from what meeting he had to go to, to which superiors he had to see, to when inspections were to occur, to name only a few of the things I bothered him with.

Pirot took me aside and asked me to tell her what was wrong. She knew, of course, about Virginia. I had told her. However, she didn’t understand my need to try to keep my remaining friends safe. She told me I was being irrational.

I became angry.

She became angry.

Albert was annoyed with me, especially because I had made Pirot angry.

Matthew and Jessica and I had no more cheerful conversations.

Freidrich attempted to be gentle with me, and to tolerate my constant questions and interrogations, but I could tell that even he was beginning to lose patience.

I felt so helpless. All I wanted was to avoid something bad happening, and all that my efforts were accomplishing was my alienation from the very people I was trying to protect.

Matthew tried to talk to me about it, and I became defensive.

Jessica had her own gentle, sweet ways of trying to make me see reason, but I refused to.

Pirot and I were mad at each other.

Since Pirot was angry with me, Albert also stayed away.

Even Freidrich seemed ill at ease with my questions and things between us seemed to be deteriorating somewhat.

I overheard Jessica and Matthew speaking to one another in concerned tones, and I found Pirot ranting to Freidrich about the problems between her and I, demanding that he do something.

It all came to a head on the day the list for the winter transfer came in.

I had gotten up late, because Freidrich, exhausted and annoyed with me the night previous, had told me to go get some sleep, apparently because he believed that might help.

When I came down to the office, I saw Freidrich, on his way out the door, with cap and an official looking document in hand.

I knew immediately what it was. He knew what I had been waiting to find out, and stopped, taking the time to ease my fears.

“Don’t worry, Kathleen,” he said. “Jessica and Matthew aren’t on the list. They'll remain here.”

However, I couldn’t just take his word for it. I had to see. My fear and obsession over making sure everyone was alright had grown so much that I, in my obviously confused mental state, had to see words on paper before I could believe the words of the one I trusted most.

So I asked to see the paper.

And Freidrich was tired of accommodating me.

“Kathleen!” he said, his voice annoyed, and somewhat hurt. “Is my word not enough for you? Must you really see it just to believe me?”

“I need to see it, Freidrich!” I demanded. “I need to know that Albert stays here and doesn’t go off to the front. I need to know that Jessica and Matthew won’t be transferred.”

“You know! I told you! I promise you, they’re fine!” He sighed in exasperation and ran a hand through his hair, before looking at me again. “Isn’t my promise good enough?”

“Please, Freidrich,” I said. “Please let me see…” I made a grab for the papers, but he stepped back and held them out of my reach.

I put my hands on my hips and faced him, angry. “Show me, Freidrich!” I demanded.

“No!” he said, his voice firm. “This has gone on long enough, Kathleen!” He set down the paper, on my desk behind him, and stood in front of it, blocking me from reaching the document.

I made a lunge for the papers, but he took me firmly by the shoulders and stopped me. I struggled against him but he was too strong, and easily kept me in my place.

“Kathleen!” he said, giving my shoulders a small shake. I stopped struggling and looked at him. His eyes held frustration, but mostly concern. “Don’t you realize?” he said, in a tone that was almost akin to the gentle, but firm admonishment that parents give their errant children. I felt like an errant child. He shook his head. “Don’t you see that no matter how much you try to control things, you can’t? You can ask me where I’m going and which superior, by name, I’m going to see, but in the end, can you stop something undesirable from happening?”

I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to give it voice.

“And if Albert, for instance, some time in the future, suddenly received orders to return to the front, or maybe back to Berlin, would you be able to see that from a list of transfers that only covers a particular date?”

I hesitated, before shaking my head.

“And if Pirot, by some chance, runs into trouble on a routine trip into town, could you stop it, simply by your being there?”

I didn’t answer.

“Liebling,” he said, gently, brushing a stray hair back from my forehead with the back of his hand. “You can’t stop the future from happening. What is going to happen…will happen. We can’t change it. You can’t somehow halt it by trying to control everyone’s lives.”

He sighed, tilting my chin up gently and looking into my eyes. “And you aren’t happy. I do not like to see you unhappy.” He looked at the ceiling, for a moment, as if trying to decide what to say next, before looking back at me. “And Pirot. She’s concerned about you, but she’s also angry. She feels as though she can’t do anything without your questioning her, almost interrogating her.” He sighed. “Is it worth it, to lose your friend, over something that won’t change anything anyways?”

I felt entirely chastised, and somewhat ashamed. I didn’t want to admit that Freidrich was right, but what he was saying was all too true. I was losing Pirot, I was losing Albert; I was even starting to put distance between Matthew, Jessica, and I. I was damaging the relationship between Freidrich and I as well. He could only be patient with me for so long.

So I shook my head. “No,” I said, my voice sounding small.

He shook his head sadly, before pulling me into a hug. I felt him sigh, ruffling my hair. “I know,” he said, gently, “that what happened with Virginia has upset you. It upset all of us, but I understand that you took it the hardest. But think of this, Kathleen. Would Virginia want you to be living like this?”

I pictured Virginia, full of life and always finding something to be cheerful about, even in the worst. In doing so, I felt the guiltiest of all. Virginia would be ashamed of me. So ashamed.

“I…” I stuttered, against Freidrich’s chest. “I haven’t even read her last letter to me…” I felt tears start to burn at the corners of my eyes.

“Why don’t you start there?” said Freidrich, gently.

I nodded, stepping back.

“Will you be alright?” he asked, retrieving the papers from behind him, as well as his cap, which he put on.

I nodded.

“Then I’d best go attend to this,” he said, holding up the list of prisoner transfers slightly.

He cupped my cheek with his free hand and leaned down to give me a quick kiss, before he left and I was alone.