Realizing the room had fallen silent, Dirk came out of his fugue state to discover that Bortok the Magnificent was in the process of succumbing to the catholic head-bob, a process wherein one becomes so bored that one's head drifts forward until you almost fall off a chair and wake up just enough to start the process over again.

"Mr. Eternal Winner!" Dirk said slightly louder than was entirely necessary, "Do you have a YouTube account?"

Bortok woke up and yelled, "Do I have a YouTube account?"

Dirk leaned forward over his desk and whispered to Bortok as though he didn't want to embarrass him. "Everyone on Earth has a YouTube account."

Bortok furiously stood up on his throne and yelled at the top of his lungs, "I knew that! Bortok knows everything! Bortok is the best Winner ever!"

Bortok pushed the second button again. The speakers spun out. After a few seconds of silence an embarrassed female Winner spoke over the intercom, "Sorry, did you want us to go again?"

"YES! GO AGAIN! GO NOW!"

The same chorus of female Winners started chanting, "BORTOK IS SO COOL! BORTOK IS –" suddenly the speakers snapped back into the walls and the room fell silent.

Bortok, horrified, looked down at the humans. "It's on a timer, I meant for that to happen, uh, uh –" before he could fully explain what he'd intended, the speakers rolled back out of the walls.

"Would you like us to start over?"

"NO! I wanted you to stop in the middle!"

"Oh...good."

"GOODBYE!"

The speakers closed back into the walls. Bortok was beside himself with rage. Ralph believed Bortok was happily swaying back and forth, but again, Ralph was struggling to de-fog his glasses and was actually looking at a potted plant in the corner.

Dirk spoke calmly, "Good work! You've unsettled us thoroughly. Brilliant strategy Mr. Eternal Winner!"

"That's right," muttered Bortok as he smoothed his hair back into the ugliest position on his head, "Why do you ask about my YouTube account?"

Dirk took his phone out of his pocket and opened the YouTube app. He held it out to Bortok. "I'm sure you've seen this video, with all of your magnificence."

Bortok snorted, "I'm sure I have too. But just in case..." Bortok snatched the phone out of Dirk's hand and hit play on the video Dirk had loaded.

Bortok watched the video not once, not twice, but three times in a row in silence as he sat on his throne. After the third viewing, Bortok looked up suspiciously at Dirk Sanchez.

"Is this true?" asked the pint-sized alien.

"Yes," said Dirk.

"Is what true?" said Ralph.

"Shut up Ralph!" said Dirk Sanchez and Bortok the Magnificent at exactly the same time.

What Ralph couldn't see was that Bortok the Magnificent had been watching an advertisement for the latest model Kia Sorrento. The claims made by this ad were somewhat outlandish, but absolutely appealed to Bortok's sense of self-worth.

"This is everything humanity has been waiting for?"

"Yes."

"It's been several generations in the making?"

"Yes."

"It's beyond price or comparison, the greatest thing that has ever been made by mankind?"

"Yes," said Dirk Sanchez, "and I can get you two of them."

Bortok leaned forward. "But it's next year's model, in two years it would be behind the times."

Dirk Sanchez smiled, "What if we sent two of the newest models into space every year for you."

Bortok clapped his hands. "This is an excellent idea! Now I must ask, why would you betray your people by showing us this incredible device?"

Dirk knew this was the most important moment in the whole negotiation, "I can't tell you in front of my ineffectual assistant."

"Get out, Ralph!" screamed Bortok the Magnificent.

Ralph, quite out of his element, ran out of the room and down the ramp.

When Ralph was clear, Dirk reached into his pocket and pulled out a rock. It was his lucky rock. He'd found it in his backyard the same day his stepfather Dan had fallen down the stairs and died. Dan had forbidden Dirk from watching Dateline, which at the time Dirk believed was a superhero program with the best violence on television. Thus, Dirk believed his life would be vastly enriched by Dan's passing and he had declared it his lucky rock. When Dirk later watched Dateline he was thoroughly disappointed, but in a moment of cognitive dissonance, he never changed the designation of his lucky rock.

Bortok gasped as the lucky rock came into sight. "A Rock-person from Truncheon IV!"

Dirk Sanchez let out the breath he was holding, "Yes, one of the Rock-people came to me and told me that we could never fool you."

Bortok stared at the rock and nodded knowingly, "A wise Rock-person indeed!"

Dirk forced tears into his eyes. He did this often. The trick was remembering something that always made him cry: freshly chopped onions.

Dirk took in a ragged breath. "I did it for my people. You win."

At that moment Bortok started hopping up and down, coughing with joy.

"We're done! Get out, Dirk Sanchez! Get me my Kia Sorrentos!" Bortok laughed maniacally and did a dance as Dirk Sanchez, knowing the scam was done, turned and walked out of the room. With every step, pain radiated from Dirk's lower back and he silently cursed wherever the Winners had gotten their furniture. He didn't know this, but the metaphysical manifestation of that curse led to Willowbrook Elementary School being destroyed in a freak fishing boat accident later that year. No students were hurt, but the loss of that school's furniture devastated the county's booming chiropractic union.

Stepping down from the ship, Dirk slapped Ralph on the shoulder and said, "Let's go."

They both climbed into the Corvette Stingray and drove back to the airport where Flavius Jackson stood alongside most of the leaders of the UN who had all flown in. Janus Farkle was amongst them, but he hid in the back, as he didn't want anyone to know that he knew Dirk Sanchez.

Flavius Jackson stepped forward. "Did you save the world?"

"Yes, sir."

"And what will it cost us?"

Dirk smiled and ran a hand through his outdated but very expensive haircut. "The payment will be simple."

Flavius Jackson turned to the other UN leaders and flipped them all a thumbs up. They nodded and he turned back to Dirk Sanchez, confident he would now get the credit for whatever Dirk pulled off.

"What do we have to do?"

"You have to launch two Kia Sorrentos into space every year, deliver a hundred billion dollars to Brazil every year, you have to bow to me whenever you see me and no one can declare war on Brazil ever."

"Oh balls," said Flavius Jackson.

And that is how the King of Brazil, Dirk Sanchez, got everyone to bow to him and how he put a golden toilet in every home in Brazil.

As for Ralph? Ralph eventually died of dysentery.