Song: Shayad

Driving is the last thing I'm focused on as I'm driving back to my apartment after my night with Manish. My heart is still swiftly beating hours after kissing Manish. The sweat from my palms dampens the steering wheel, while the heat from my body warms my seat.

I need to tell someone about this. Someone who will hear me out and give me relevant advice as to what the hell I should do next.

And there's only one person who can do that.

    The second I fling open the door to my apartment, I quickly grab my phone and frantically go to text Jen. My thumbs dance across the keyboard in order to type, "This is urgent. I need advice. Call me."

I throw my phone on the couch as I flop back and try to process everything that's happened tonight. We danced, and then we made out. I'm still trying to ponder how everything went from 0 to 100 so fast. Thousands of questions plague my mind. What am I going to do? How should we address this?

But thankfully, I can relay all my fears to Jen when I hear my phone vibrate against the soft couch. My hand darts towards the phone and I immediately answer it. "Jen," I greet, as I can almost hear her eyebrow raise in confusion and worry.

"Jaya? Are you alright?"

My heart has refused to slow down and is still going a mile a minute. I open my mouth, but I only manage to stutter a few syllables of an incoherent sentence. Eventually, I calm myself down a little bit and say, "I don't know."

Immediately, Jen senses that something is up. Something is absolutely eating me up inside and I have to get it off of my chest before my brain explodes. And the worst part is, she's absolutely right about that. "What's going on? I can tell you're really on the fence about something."

I take a deep breath to ease my nerves that are all jumbled up in my stomach, and to also prepare myself for her reaction. Because I know the second I tell her this, she will scream half of the Bay Area down. In one swift breath, I say, "I kissed Manish."

I hear her jaw drop open in the background, and I move my phone away from my ear to prevent my eardrums from being destroyed. As I brace for her reaction, I hear her stutter, "I-you-he-the-it-," before she shrieks, "YOU KISSED MANISH?!"

At that moment, I thank myself that I kept my phone away from my ears, because I would've lost half my hearing otherwise. I have nothing more to say other than a nervous, "Mmmhmm."

I can hear Anwar run out in the background and hear him say, "Baby, what's going on? Why did you scream?"

"Because Jaya kissed Manish, goddamnit!" she cries at him.

I can feel Anwar's jaw drop at that second, but unlike Jen, he's able to fish out a coherent sentence to say. "You're not joking, right?"

I can tell Jen's shaking her head because I hear her earrings dangling. "I'm dead serious."

I then hear her press the phone back to her ear and ask, "How was it? Did he kiss back?"

The feelings of excitement and thrill come back and pump through my veins as I remember how amazing the kiss was. The scent of his cologne perfuming my nostrils, his cherry chapstick, and how he gently pushed me up against the wall as we kissed all come back in the most amazing flood possible. "It was... absolutely amazing. He pushed me up against the wall and we kind of made out a little bit."

This time, I'm positive Jen is about to explode like a bomb. Any minute now and she will absolutely lose her shit and start squealing like Miss Piggy on crack. "Oh my god. No way. So what's so urgent?"

I clear my throat a little bit so I can get started. The more appropriate question is, what isn't urgent? Literally every single emotion and thought I have is urgent. "The thing is, Jen, you know me. I don't just make out with people for the fuck of it. When I kiss someone, I really have strong feelings for them."

I can hear Jen give a few "hmms," here and there as she's trying to comprehend my point. "Obviously, I had to have strong feelings for Manish for me to kiss him like that," I continue, and then I try to gulp back a few nerves. "Jen, what if I'm in love with him again?"

Jen gasps a little bit, as Anwar himself mutters, "Oh shit," under his breath. And honestly, their reactions don't help me much. "That's my problem, Jen. What if I am in love with him and he doesn't feel the same way? I don't know what to do."

Jen finally clears her throat, and musters up the courage to kind of advise on what is the right thing to do. I'm trying to breathe in and out so that I don't end up completely losing it over the phone. "Okay, first of all, I think Manish may definitely have a thing for you. He wouldn't have kissed you back if he didn't."

Shit, she's right! I think to myself. Manish was just as into the make out session as I was, if not even more. A little bit of excitement pumps through my veins, causing my jumble of nerves to loosen and my heart to become a little bit giddy.

"Okay, second of all, describe Manish like I don't know him. Describe him the best you can."

Immediately, I start thinking of Manish and some of his best qualities that outshine the few negatives that may exist. Once I think of a few, I try to condense them into a cohesive paragraph. "Manish is... someone else, to say the least. We're super close, and when we're together, we're almost always laughing. He's got a bright smile, warm eyes, and the sweetest personality. He genuinely cares about my wellbeing, and we always have fun together. I always feel like I'm in a safe place when I'm with him. And we have the best inside jokes. Like today, we were just talking about how bad Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon was and how horrendous the acting was. Whenever I'm with him, I just feel giddy and like I'm on a high."

I can feel Jen inhale a little bit to process whatever I just word vomited on her. She thinks of a second question, and I hear her fire it. "How do you feel when describing Manish?"

Immediately, I notice something I didn't realize when I was talking before. My heart is excitedly pounding. Before, the nerves were causing my heart to beat fast, but now, my heart is fueled with excitement.

But more importantly, it feels full. Like someone just attached a tire pump to my heart and inflated it with joy. And more importantly, I feel my cheeks stinging from a smile that I didn't even realize was as big as it is when I'm talking about Manish.

"Jaya, how do you feel whenever you guys hang out or whenever he asks you to hang out?"

I ponder about that for a little bit, and after doing so, I know the perfect word to describe it. "Exciting. It feels like we're going on an adventure every time. I always can't wait to meet up whenever we make plans."

Jen clears her throat a little bit, and I know exactly what that means. She's looking at Anwar with a suspicious look on her face, and wondering how to approach me with the next question. I've known her for over half my life; I don't need to look at her face to know what she's thinking. "How do you hope Manish feels about you?"

Ah, the big one. I don't even hesitate in answering the question. "I hope he loves me as much as I... love..." I stutter a little bit on the last two words as it absolutely hits me in the face.

Everything has added up at that moment for me. I enjoy being around his company, I feel safe and secure around him, he always makes me laugh, and we're always making time to hang out around each other. Not to mention I just blurted it out to Jen. The truth has finally dawned upon me after so long.

"Oh my god. I'm in love with Manish."

I can feel Jen smile, satisfied that she was able to force the truth out of me. My jaw is hanging open, and I'm at a total loss of what to do. Should I run over and tell him? Should I not tell him at all? Should I wait? "Jen? You still there?"

I hear Jen snap back into her focus, as she clears her throat. "Oh, no, I was just celebrating. I bet Anwar $10 that you and Manish would fall in love again. In your face, babe!" she squeals, as I scoff.

I'm not even the least bit surprised though. Anwar is the kind of person who would bet $10 that the earth is flat.

With a scientist.

"Anyways, enough of that. What should I do? I'm kind of scared to tell him."

"Why? What's stopping you?"

Fear starts to cloud the bottom of my stomach and block out all the excitement that I've been feeling. What if he doesn't feel the same? What if he rejects me and our friendship becomes awkward and strained? "I don't want us to lose contact again like we did nine years ago. What happens if he rejects me, our friendship becomes strained, and we lose contact again?"

Jen lets out a complicated sigh, because although I know she wants to help me, even she's feeling a little bit conflicted right here. I can see her trying to find a genuine solution to help me out with my feelings. "Look, Jaya, the last time Manish left, you didn't tell him, and you regretted it. And the last time, your friendship's strain was because he was 8000 miles away, which was something out of your control. And Manish would rather jump off a cliff than lose you as a friend. We both know that. You have nothing to lose. If you don't tell him how you feel, you're going to regret it. I'm telling you."

Shit, I don't remember the last time Jen was spitting straight facts like that. Nothing that has come out in the last minute has been a lie. I let out a sigh, and this time, my fear has dissolved and confidence is now solid in my bones. I know what to do now. "Oh god, you're so right. I'm doing it. I'm going to tell him tomorrow."

Jen squeals a little bit more this time, like Miss Piggy ditched the cocaine and went for meth. But her shrieks of excitement can't help but cause me to chuckle a little bit. "I'm so excited for you, Jaya. And he's stupid if he doesn't love you."

I roll my eyes again. "Thanks a lot, Jen. I really appreciate your help."

"Anytime, dude! All the best. Let me know how it goes down."

I smile a little bit, as I'm just as curious to see how this is going to go down. "For sure. Later," I say, and hang up immediately. I'm now absolutely sure of what to do. I can't hold this in for long otherwise I will absolutely lose my sanity.

I move right to the messaging app, and as quickly as they can, my thumbs prance across the keyboard. "Manish, I think we really need to talk about what happened tonight. Can I drop by tomorrow at 2?" they manage to type out, and I send without a second thought.

I throw my phone to the side, and flop back on my couch. I just hope and pray that he doesn't totally ghost me and leave me to explode with this information. Literally a few seconds later, I hear my phone buzz, and the text reads, "Of course. I'll see you then."

I heave out a sigh of relief. Now's the time to mentally prepare myself for the hardest part.

Telling Manish how I feel.

I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. It's time to finally be honest with him and myself.

Once and for all.

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It's time! Looks like Jaya is ready to confess her feelings to Manish. Any predictions as to how that will go down? Let me know.

I hope you guys liked this chapter! As always, please vote/comment/share/message/follow (here and on Instagram [svts.writes]) for more updates regarding my works! See you all in the next chapter!

Love you guys,

Shree