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After dinner, Seungmin leaned back in his chair, probably because he was full. He let out a satisfied sigh and ran a hand through his hair

 He grabbed my wrist and tugged on it. The movement was subtle enough to not cause a disturbance at the table, but his intent was clear. He was trying to pull me away from the table. 

"We'll be in my room."
 i announced before we got up

Once the two of us were in my room, Seungmin pulled me closer to him and caged me in his arms.

"Something's definitely wrong, you're being super clingy"  i repeated

Seungmin shot me a slight glare as I brought up his clinginess again. But the glare quickly faded and was replaced by a softer expression

"So what? Is it wrong for me to be a bit clingy? He asked, looking at me with a bratty expression

"I know you better than you think. You always become clingy when you're hiding your feelings."

Seungmin's expression darkened at my comment. His eyes narrowed slightly as he listened to you. He tensed his jaw as he grumbled to himself

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm not hiding anything..."
He said stubbornly, turning his head to the side and refusing to look at me.

"Seungmin, stop lying.
You always get this way when you're struggling with those memories. You think i don't see it?
 Do you think when you say you're trying to 'protect' me, it explains your behavior?
I don't believe it because I know there's more to it."

I blurted out without thinking twice, i knew it was a sensitive topic, but it'd been too long.

As my words sunk in, Seungmin's expression darkened even more. His tense muscles relaxed the slightest, but his eyes widened in panic slightly. He stayed silent, keeping his gaze turned away from me. He clearly did not want to talk about the "incident". 

"I'm sorry for bringing it up. But i think it's time we talk about it."

"i know it still haunts you. It does to me too. Many nights i wake up in the middle of the night, thinking he's here."

"We never spoke about it, it made me sad. You never brought it up, you were always crying or became silent when we brought him up and refused to talk about it at all, and seeing you like that, i felt it wasn't worth bringing it up. Not anymore. I want to talk about it."

His expression softened again as he looked back at me, his eyes holding a hint of pain and distress.

"For too long i thought you're trying to forget it, but Seung, i cant- I cant forget it."

"I'm sorry, i dint realize you were in pain."

"No... How-" He began

"How could I ever forget about it? How can i talk about it when it was my fault? I couldn't save him and I put both of us in danger, and we lost him."

"Stop it, It wasn't our fault. We were only 12, for god's sake."

Seungmin closed his eyes as my words washed over him. He knew that I was right. We were kids. It wasn't out fault. It wasn't his fault. Logically, he knew that. But the guilt, trauma, and emotional scars he had from that day, refused to listen to logic.

I know i acted strong, but it was all for him. I had to be strong.

He took a deep breath, opening his eyes again to look at me once more. His gaze was conflicted as he struggled to put his thoughts and feelings into words

"we dint lose him because it was our fault, we tried to save him, it just happened and we couldn't stop it"

He tried to respond, but the words got stuck in his throat. His chest felt tight, and it was hard for him to breathe. He closed his eyes tight as he took another shaky breath

Seeing his reaction, I pulled him in a hug again

"Breath Seungmin. Easy, follow my breathing."

I said, inhaling and exhaling with him

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have pushed you."

Seungmin leaned his head down, resting his forehead against my shoulder as he struggled to regain his composure. He held onto me a little tighter as he fought the emotional turmoil in his head

"I know...I know it's not my fault. But every time I think about it, I just feel so goddamn guilty...." He finally managed to say, his voice hoarse

"If i just held out a little longer, i could have kept him safe and alive. If i dint act so rashly and put myself in danger, and you wouldn't have had to risk your life to protect us and he'd still be here."

"You tried to save him, you did. it wasn't your fault. you were in danger too Seungmin, and it wasn't because you acted rashly. You almost died too."

I knew he hated the fact that this was true. No matter what the logical part of him said, the emotional side still held onto the guilt.

Seungmin closed his eyes tightly, breaking the hug.
 He spoke again through a shaky voice.

"I just wish it was me instead of him... Why wasn't it me? Or maybe you could have just left us, saved yourself without putting yourself in danger. Then maybe i wouldn't have to live will the guilt."

"Seungmin no, you don't mean that.  please don't say that. please don't. How could you tell me that i should have left you guys?"
 I said my voice shaky

"Why would you say that? And it would okay if i had to live alone with the guilt? I can't imagine what i would do if that day i lost both of you." 

I screamed in his face out of frustration, sadness. I don't know what i felt.
Seeing how i reacted, He pulled us in a hug again.
 His eyes were glossy with a sheen of shed tears on his face, he spoke quietly

"I'm sorry... I just-" He swallowed before continuing "
"I wish it could have been me instead. I wish it was me. I would have gladly taken his place."

"Jeongin wouldn't like that, he'd hate you for saying this. And i hate you for saying this"

Seungmin's expression darkened further as I mentioned Jeongin's name.
He was probably more surprised to hear his name being uttered after so long, the sounding so close to heart yet so far away, so unfamiliar.
He knew I was right. Jeongin would hate him for saying those words.

Seungmin clenched his jaw again, frustrated with his own thoughts and emotions. He spoke again in a tight voice

"I know...I know he'd hate me for saying that. But I can't help it. I can't help thinking it. I just that i miss...."

"You can say his name, its not forbidden. It's okay to miss Jeongin, to remember him."

Seungmin closed his eyes again as I told him he could say Jeongin's name.
 Hearing his name made his heart twist in pain.
It was bittersweet. It felt wrong, yet at the same time, it felt good.
I felt it too, it sure wasn't easy to say his name so casually.

He nodded a little in response, still not looking at me directly, but acknowledging my words. He swallowed again, trying to force down the lump in his throat before muttering

"I don't want to forget about him... I could never..."

"But i hate talking about it, i miss him so much and knowing i cant change anything now, makes it so much harder to think about him."

"Seungmin, you have to talk about it, it doesn't matter who you talk to. If it's me you want to talk to, ill help you as much as i can. Ill never say no or push you away. We cant heal on our own, we need each other."

"I don't know anyone else who can help me...But I also don't know if  you can fix me..."

I held him by his shoulder and said

"Seungmin, you're not some broken porcelain that can't be fixed. You're strong, the strongest guy I've seen. you just need a little help. You're doing so good and you deserve to do better. You deserve to be able to accept and move on."

He hugged me again, holding onto me tightly like he was desperately clinging to me. He muttered in a low voice, slightly broken voice

 "I don't feel fine...I feel guilty. I feel like I'm broken... I just wish I could stop feeling like this. I don't think i deserve to be able to move on"

"once you talk about it, it starts to get better.
But you've always refused to talk about it. So i never pushed you to."

He sighed, his grip on me loosened a little, but he still held onto me.

"I know you're right...But I don't want to remember that day...I don't want the memories to come back..."

"We loved Jeongin right? He was our best friend. So we shouldn't forget about him."

"Yes...We loved him. We loved him so much... We shouldn't forget about him. But remembering him... brings back painful memories and guilt..."

"You'll accept it one day. You'll be able to face it and then it'll all get better."

"I... I know I need to face it. I need to accept it...it's just hard. It's so hard to let go of the guilt. But I understand I need to talk about it... I can't keep bottled up like this forever..."

"Ill always be here to listen, and i promise ill understand."
 I said with a chuckle and a few tears rolling down my face.

"Thank you...Thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you...you mean so much to me, you know that?" He thanked me as he wiped the tears using the back of his hand.

"You can sleep here tonight, I'm not letting you go home like this."

He nodded slightly in agreement
"I'd like that... I don't want to go home. I'll stay here with you tonight..."

"ill get an extra blanket for you, just wait okay?"

Seungmin nodded again in agreement as you told him you'd get an extra blanket for him. 

He let go of you for a moment, giving me space to move to get the extra blanket
"Alright, I'll wait right here. Thank you."

I got him the blanket he'd claimed to use every time he and his family came over and decided to sleep over, we did that very often before.
 Even with Jeongin's family, except they moved away and keep minimal contact after that day.

Seungmin smiled slightly as he saw the familiar blanket I brought out. He recognized it instantly.

"My blanket, you still have it"

"Of course I do, I'd never throw it away."

I tucked him in bed and talked to him while i patted his head to help him fall asleep. He acted like a tough guy, but he was just broken.

"Do you still have Jeongin's?"

"No, my parents gave it to his mom and dad before they moved away."

"Oh, i hope it gives them a little more peace."

"I remember mom talking to his mom a while back, she said they were trying hard to live with it, but its not so easy."

"Of course it isn't, look at us, and he was just our friend. And they're his parents."

"Yeah, makes sense."

Seungmin snuggled up in the blanket, feeling warm and comfortable. He slowly started to drift off to sleep, his body relaxing and his muscles un-tensing. He took a few deep breaths, feeling himself slowly slip into the realms of sleep.

He muttered quietly as he was on the verge of falling asleep

"Thank you for being there for me..."

I whispered back
"Don't mention it, ill try to always be there" 

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