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We barely slept the night before we went to visit Jeongin. It gave us a sort of Deja Vu.
How we stayed up until 12am, wished Jeongin happy birthday, watched a movie the night before it all happened. But we just laid in bed this time, we were too sad to do anything positive.

It felt empty, and we knew that empty feeling wouldn't go away so easily.

Jeongin's parents both arrived early in the morning, around 9am, His mother with her usual warm smile on her face. But there was also a hint of sadness in their eyes, knowing what today represented. His father looked at both of us, taking in our nervous expressions

"Ready to go?"

We nodded, too tensed, too anxious to use our words.

They nodded silently and led the way to their car. The drive to the cemetery was marked by a heavy silence. Every minute that passed brought us closer to the place where Jeongin was laid to rest. Seungmin sat in the backseat, his hands clenched into fists in his lap, and he kept taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. I balled his hands in mine and he managed to relax his fists and gently held onto my hand, intertwining his fingers our fingers.

We looked out the window and saw the familiar rows of gravestones and memorials stretching out before us. My grip on his hand tightened ever so slightly. I felt my heart rate spike as the car came to a halt.

Aunty Yang turned around and looked at both of us, her eyes filled with sorrow and compassion. She spoke in a soft, gentle voice,

"We're here.."
"I know, it's a lot to take in, we can sit in the car until you're ready"

After a moment of hesitation, Seungmin looked up to Aunty Yang and spoke, his voice barely above a whisper,

"No, we can get out. I-we can do this.."

I looked at him with a sad smile. I agreed to get out right now, because sitting in the car any longer would only prolong the anxiety and sadness. 

We walked over to flower shop, buying a few flowers.
Seungmin picked Pink Roses while i picked White Roses.

Once both of us had selected our flowers, we paid for them and continued towards Jeongin's grave. Each step closer felt heavier and more significant, the weight of the past seven years pressing down upon both of our shoulders.

Seungmin look anxious and jittery, so we walked hand-in-hand.
Honestly, I was the same.

"Where is he?"
I asked because all the memory of ever coming here seemed really hazy. 

"This way, it's right up ahead."
Aunty Yang led the way, she obviously knew exactly where Jeongin was buried, having visited the grave many times over the years.

We walked right behind her, our hearts pounding with every step. The path seemed to stretch out forever, prolonging the agony of anticipation. Finally, we turned a corner, and Jeongin's gravestone came into view. All emotions that were hidden deep inside us, felt they were suddenly coming out on the surface.

 It was a bittersweet feeling, mostly bitter.

The sight of the gravestone hit us like a punch in the gut. We froze for a moment, just standing in front of the grave. There, etched in stone, was Jeongin's name, along with his birth and death dates and a sweet message, "Our sunshine, Our light, you will forever be missed."
Time seemed to stand still as we stared at the cold, harsh stone with our hearts aching with a mixture of sadness and longing.

Seungmin approached the gravestone slowly, leaving my hand, his steps feeling heavy and slow.
Every step felt like a small eternity, and my heart pounded in my ears.

Finally, he spoke,
"Jeongin.."
His voice was soft and broken, the name barely above a whisper.

The sound of Jeongin's name on his lips brought back floods of memories and emotions, I could literally hear them call each other, hear him calling Jeongin in way that almost made me believe Jeongin was in the distance, alive and breathing.

But no. 

The only distance between us was that he was 6ft underground.

Not breathing, not talking, not in front of us.

Just resting in peace. 

 We both looked at the words "February 8th, 2004- February 8th, 2016" etched on the stone, and the reality of Jeongin's absence hit us like a ton of bricks. Again.

It was like we were being reminded again, almost as if someone wanted to torment us with the memory that we lost him on his birthday. Yeah we knew that, but just seeing his gravestone, the same date etched on it, made it more overwhelming.

We both knelt down together holding hands, hesitating to touch the plaque.
 But when we did, it was just cold.
But we kept our hands on it, knowing it was the closest we could get to him.

"Long time no see Jeongin. Have you been doing well?"
I tried to ask in a calm, light hearted way. But my trembling voice gave me away.

The question hung in the air, unanswered. Jeongin's gravestone seemed to echo the absence of his voice, making the moment all the more poignant.
Seungmin watched silently as I spoke, his eyes fixed on the gravestone.

 "If you can hear this. I'm sorry. So, so sorry Jeongin, for coming so late, for not saying goodbye properly. I hope you know we love you, we always will."

i  said, waving my hand over the gravestone

"I got you white roses. You know what they mean? purity, youthfulness, and innocence.
I bought it because describes you exactly.
It also means a goodbye, farewell. we never got to say a proper good bye, did we?"
I said, wiping my tears.

"Seungmin came too, he was scared though, but he came because he missed you too."

He swallowed hard, trying to control the wave of emotions that threatened to spill out.
 The pain in his heart was almost unbearable, and I could see tears welling up in his eyes.

"Its okay to cry as you talk. Try, you'll feel better."

 I told him as I rubbed his back, wiping my own tears.

"Jeongin... I don't even know where to start.. so much has happened, and you've missed so much.. "

"First of all, I'm sorry too. We came a little late dint we? I hope you weren't alone though."
His voice was soft and shaky, the tears threatening to spill over as he spoke.
"We tried to follow our dreams, you remember them right?"

"I got into Law school here."

"And I passed my second audition."

"I keep remembering how much you wanted to be a teacher. Oh what a great teacher you'd be. We know you would."

"It's been 7 years... we still can't believe you're gone.. I still expect to see you when I wake up in the morning.. like it's all just a bad dream."

The tears started to fall as he spoke, his voice cracking with the raw emotion behind his words. 
"I miss you.. so much. I miss your laugh, your smile, your stupid jokes.. I miss everything about you. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I wasn't strong enough.. I dint save you."

Seungmin's voice was shaking, the guilt and regret in his words nearly overpowering him.
He clenched his fists, digging his fingernails into his skin as if trying to punish himself for his perceived inadequacy to save him. I held his hand so he would stop hurting himself.
He held my hand tightly, crying in the palm of his other.

"Don't be mad at us. Mad at him for saying that, we just miss you, terribly."

"I wish.. I could have told you one... last time how much we loved you.. how grateful we were to have you in our life.. Say good bye... properly. We're sorry Jeongin, we're so sorry.. it took us so long to come see you."
Seungmin said as he cried uncontrollably.

"I wish.. I could turn back time.. I, we want you back, Jeongin.. I'd give anything to have you back, even for just one more day.. We miss you so much.."
My voice broke as I said, a sob escaping my lips as the weight of our words hit me.

 We were looking down at the grave, the stone cold and unyielding, a stark reminder that Jeongin would never hear our words, but we could only hope.
And even if he did hear, we'd never get an answer.

"I hope.. you're happy.. wherever you are.. and that you've found company. I really hope you're not alone... We remember how much you hated being alone."
Seungmin's voice was raspy and hoarse now. 

He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself down, but it was futile.
The grief and pain were too overwhelming, and he could do nothing but let them out.
He looked up at the sky, wondering if Jeongin could hear his words.
He continued to speak, the words pouring out like a cathartic release for all the emotions he had kept repressed for years.

We sat there in silence for a while, comforting each other. Seungmin and I stayed quiet, our head still bowed down, staring at his plaque, as we absorbed the silence around us. 
Our tears had slowed down, but the sadness and grief still coursed through us.

After a while, he finally spoke, his voice soft and strained.

"I can't believe he's really gone... It feels like a bad dream, like any minute, he'll come running through those gates and hug us, like he used to.."

"You hear that Jeongin? You have to run to us the next time you see us. Even if it meant we'd meet you again only in the afterlife"

Seungmin tried to smile at my words, the thought of Jeongin rushing to them like he used to bringing a mix of comfort and sadness.
He knew it was just a wish, a desperate hope, but it eased the pain just a little.

"Are you happy you're finally 19? You'd whine so much at our birthdays that it wasn't fair we turned a year older before you. Then you'd brag in a few months that you were our age too."

"We still treated you like a kid."

Seungmin said with a light chuckle

The memory brought a small, bittersweet smile to both our faces.
 I could still picture Jeongin's pouting face whenever we treated him like a kid, and the way he'd sulk but secretly enjoyed the attention.

"You'd always get you milk cartons get snatched by the mean guys in your class in 3rd grade, you'd never fight them, you were to innocent and pure to hurt someone even if they hurt you."

"And then we came came and scared them off, and that never happened again."
Seungmin said with a little chuckle

"Yeah, you were always a little too violent when it came to protecting your friends"

"We were just 8 years old then. it wasn't a big deal. you, me, Seungmin, those guys they all forgot it too. Then it was all so peaceful. We played, slept over at each other's house, watched movies, played video games. It was all so peaceful."

Our smile widened my words. The memories of those carefree days were so vivid and yet so distant at the same time. We were just kids, blissfully unaware of the challenges and pain that lay ahead. The thought of the simple, happy days spent playing and goofing around filled us with nostalgia and longing.

"I'm happy you were happy in the last few years of your life. You lived a happy life. You were surrounded by loving parents, and of course us."

Seungmin nodded in agreement, a soft, sad smile on his face.

"I'm glad you were happy, Jeongin. You deserved all the happiness in the world..."

"We promise we'll visit you. we wont stop, never."

Tears welled in my eyes again as i said that. Seungmin looked up at me, his eyes watery too. He nodded, silently agreeing to my promise. He knew that visiting Jeongin's grave and keeping his memory alive was a way to honor him and keep him close to our hearts.
He squeezed my hand gently in a comforting manner.

"we love you and we miss you, Jeongin."

"Happy... Birthday, Jeongin."
We both said with a sob escaping our mouths.

We sat there, staring in the distance for a while, until we saw Jeongin's parents walk towards us. We hadn't even realized they'd left us alone for a little privacy.

"Did that feel good?"
His dad asked us.

"A little bit. It's bittersweet. But it's okay we can take it."
 I replied.

Seungmin also noticed that they were standing a respectful distance away from them all this while.
"Would you like to have some alone time?"
He asked her as if he was thanking them for the privacy and the chance to come here. 

"We would like that. We won't be long, just need a moment."

"Take as long as you want. You waited for us. we'll wait for you."
 I told her so she wouldn't rush herself.

Seungmin managed a small smile, towards his mom. We took one last look at Jeongin's grave, placed the flowers on his grave stone as our eyes traced the words carved into the stone.
He whispered gently, the pain and love in his voice evident.

"Bye Jeongin, for now of course."

"We promise we'll come back soon. We'll be waiting for you. Waiting to see you again."

Our eyes lingered a little longer, until we couldn't turn our neck to see his gravestone anymore. We walked to where their car was parked.
We dint get in, just stood in silence in the cool breeze that was blowing.

"Did it feel better?"

"Huh?"
I asked, getting interrupted from out of my train of thought.

"Did coming here make you feel better?"
He repeated

"Yeah, yeah. Much better. I knew i was strong enough to visit him like this."

"Says you who couldn't say a word without crying."

"Hey come one be a little lenient on me, it was our first time after-"
I shut up, i dint think it was appropriate to say on such a day, which was ironic because it was his birthday and death anniversary, so it was already past being appropriate or not.

"After we buried him? Yeah, i think it's okay to say it now. I mean, we've seen it now, it's very much real."

"Yeah, that. Do you feel okay?"

"It was better than I expected. I thought I'd crumble right at the sight of it, but i did better than i thought. I feel relieved, but- like its weird."

"Feel relieved in a sad way?  Yeah no, me too. I'm still sad he isn't here. but it felt good to get those words out. And yes, you did good." 

"I hope Jeongin's happy too."
He said chuckling and then sighing.

"I know. I hope he's happy wherever he is."

"We may still be sad and miss Jeongin, but we have each other, and we have our memories. I think he'd want us to be okay."

"We'll keep moving forward and carry our memories of Jeongin. He'd want us to be happy, right?"

"Yeah, he would. He'd call us idiots if we dint and tell us to keep living and enjoying life."

"So we should do that."

"Yeah, we should. For Jeongin, and for ourselves."

"Minji, Answer my question again"

"What question?" 

"Will we ever be okay?"

"Yeah Seungmin, we'll do just fine."

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THE END.