Kai pops 2 mints into his mouth to get rid of the smell of sick and smoke he tastes every time he speaks, swallows, or simply closes his mouth. He hands Soobin the metal box. "Could you put it back?" he requests as he turns the wheel, his eyes pinned on the road. "Glove compartment."

"Yeah, sure." Soobin opens the glove compartment, expecting to see some serial killer-type stuff, like knives, or even rope and duct tape. But all he is met with is an empty packet of cigarettes and the usual license papers. He throws the tin of mints in there as well.

The rest of the ride is quiet, with only the sound of the heat from the car to create some white noise.

Kai puts the car to a stop right near the campus gate. He unlocks the car doors.

"Can I ask you something?" Soobin shamelessly blurts instead of getting out.

"Yes."

Soobin narrows his eyes skeptically. "Would you answer it, though?" he questions.

"Depends." seems like Soobin is already onto Kai's thinking pattern.

"A few Fridays ago, Taehyun called me. He was absolutely frantic." Soobin looks down. "He told me he ran into you, right nearby that convenience store."

"Right."

"That was not the question."

"I know. Go on."

"What happened to you that night?" Soobin asks. "Because I'm fairly certain you weren't robbed or jumped on. However I spin it, you just don't seem like the type to be as careless as that."

Kai clears his throat. "I happened to carry cash on me. We all have our moments." he lies. It wouldn't matter if Soobin believed him or not, as long as he didn't have proof that he was not telling the truth. They are similar, the two friends.

He's sure Taehyun wanted to ask him that as well, he can see it on his pretty face. But one difference between Soobin and Taehyun is that Soobin is a lot more forward.

Untrusting.

In a way, maybe Taehyun needs Soobin in his life to balance his naiveness.

"I know you're lying. And you know I know you're lying." Soobin almost reads his mind. He sighs "Look, whatever it may be. If Taehyun gets hurt because of you-"

"He won't."

Soobin rolls his eyes. "You know, for some reason, I find it hard to have it reassure me," he says in a painfully sarcastic tone, and with a click, he unlocks his seatbelt. "I'd tell him to stay away, but he's stubborn like that so I have to convince myself you won't somehow fuck him up."

Kai's face hardens.

"Thank you for the ride."

....................

Panic attacks differ from anxiety attacks. Many people don't know the difference between the two. Panic attacks are much more severe and rare. They are brief episodes of intense anxiety, but they are not anxiety attacks.

The intense anxiety causes the physical sensation of fear, at one point, you might feel like you're dying because the fear is so real. It feels so real.

Your vision may tunnel, losing parts of your sight, it's almost as if your body is screaming "ERROR, ERROR. SOMETHING IS WRONG." nothing really is, though. Pins and needles go through your body as if you're both numb and catching on fire. Both dunked in ice and set in flames.

The dizziness will crash you down on your knees, your world is ending around you, and it all feels dark. Dark and wrong. Wrong, wrong.

But nothing really is.

Kai knows it, in reality, there is nothing he should be so utterly petrified of. But as soon as that flame flickers he's unable to hear, see, feel anything but the phantom burning in his hands. The scorching, unbearable heat around him. The thick smoke went in and never out of his lungs. Never.

And perhaps it is for the best that he does not hear a thing. Because if he did, he'd hear the commotion around him, the people clamoring loudly. No, all he hears is the repeating sound of the lighter, clicking.

On, off. On, off. ON, OFF. ON, OFF. ON, OFF. ON, OFF.

He shouldn't hear the words spoken about him as he wilts on the floor, head buried between his knees. He's frozen, completely. Helpless. Incredibly, awfully, horrifyingly helpless.

Just like he was 9 years ago. When the fire closed on him; the skin melted off his hands.

Help.

Please.

Someone.

HELP.

"Thought he was supposed to be some fire freak."

The quiet was off on campus. Staring at people but nothing else, it felt odd. And Kai was right, it was. They were not done, not going to let him off the hook. He didn't have the time to react before he saw the flame right near his face and the entire world went black.

ERROR.

"Look at him, seriously... what is his problem?"

Someone.

Fire. The smell of grilled flesh invades his nose. Screams, that his dad is already dead; turned to ash in front of him. His eyes haunt Kai. Open, white, and empty; hollow.

On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off.

Off.

Off?

Hands wrap around him, familiar hands. Familiar scent. Citrus.

He hears the faint sound of words, faint voices. Faint everything, but not black. He's slowly regaining his hearing.

The flame is off now.

The hands hug him and pat his hair reassuringly. Grounding him. "It's okay now, Hyuka. It's okay." Beomgyu whispers. "Listen to Hyung, you're fine. You need to breathe, Kai. Breathe."

"My hands." Kai croaks. "Hyung, my hands. O-On fire."

"Your hands healed Kai, do you remember? We went to the hospital... " Beomgyu pats Kai's head, again and again. Circling his hand on the younger's back. At that moment, he doesn't care that his friends are watching. "The police escorted us. Do you remember, now?"

That his boyfriend is watching.

He didn't think twice before pushing that guy, that senior holding the lighter. Taunting his brother.

Kai shivers; shaking his head. "No. My hands... "He whispers under his breath. The fire; it's too big to fight with. Too big to do anything about.

Too powerful and he's too helpless.

Beomgyu grabs his head, forcing it up. He opens his eyes warily. "Look, Kai. Your hands, they're fine... "he soothes.

Kai's hands are no longer on fire, and he's no longer 13 years old. No longer in his childhood home but on the ground, on campus, surrounded with students. He only sees his hands and they are gloved, with black, satin gloves. The skin underneath, it's not melting off, it's healed yet scarred.

But his hands are fine. And he's no longer on fire.

He looks up and he's met with Beomgyu's almond eyes, dilated in concern but also fright. "See." Beomgyu smiles a tiny, subtle smile. He kisses him at the top of his head. "You're fine."

He helps him up, and Kai's vision fogs. Beomgyu takes him by the hand, dragging his younger brother past the cruel crowd; pushing people, and clearing a path. He hears Yeonjun calling after him, but he's too scared to answer; he ignores him.

He'll explain everything, he will. Not now, later. When they get far away from this campus, far away from the people. He needs to take Kai home, home where everything is safe.

Where nothing is on fire.

"Hyung... "

"Get in, Kai. It'll be fine."

He starts the car; his hands are shaking too. Just like Kai's hands are, he doesn't want to think about Yeonjun. Doesn't want to know what Soobin thinks. Taehyun... if nothing pushed him back yet, this would have done it.

He puts the seatbelt on Kai who is sweating buckets despite the cold weather. He has a hand on his chest, monitoring his heartbeat. His breaths are shallow.

"They know now."

"I know." Beomgyu turns the wheel. "Let's get you home."

Kai bends forward, holding his head in his hands, he tries controlling the nausea. He keeps checking his hands. Fire, not fire. Fire, not fire.

Beomgyu grips the wheel hard, his hands shaking from the intense hold. His eyes sharpen. "Who was it?"

"A senior."

"I know that. What is his name?"

Kai heaves over the floor of the car, dizzy; so very dizzy. "Don't do anything, Hyung." he dabs the sweat from his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. "Please."

Beomgyu laughs bitterly and slams his palm on the wheel; the abrupt hit makes the car shake. He boils over with anger. "Whoever he is... "he seethes. "I'll be reporting him to his head department, the dean, I don't care. He won't continue going to our campus."

Kai stays quiet.

"How... fucking dare he?"

The rest of the ride is spent in silence and Kai's staggered breathing. The aftermath of his panic attack is intense and an overwhelming sense of fatigue; his body feels lethargic. His head rolls back, falling on the head of the car chair. His head and ears pulse, numb.

He feels as though a big, weighted blanket drapes over him, and if he moves even a little his entire body aches. His chest stopped stinging, but his muscles were getting sore.

He knows this feeling already.

Beomgyu does too, vicariously through Kai; having to mend each and every one of his panic attacks. He knows the things that calm Kai, he knows the things that plague his younger brother's mind in those moments.

Knows how to get him out.

Beomgyu unlocks and opens the front door. "Do you want to eat before you go to bed?" it's only the afternoon, but Beomgyu knows.

Kai shakes his head, even doing so is too tiring. He wants to lay his body and close his eyes. "Hyung."

"What is it?"

"They know," Kai repeats what he said in the car. He turns his head to Beomgyu and he seems scared, guilty even. "What are you to do?"

"I'll deal with that later, don't worry about it." he smiles. "Now go to sleep. I'll make you something to eat once you wake up, something that'll be easy on your stomach."

Kai nods, deep in his thoughts. It all crumbled down. "Was Taehyun there?" He must know. He must. Did Taehyun see how fucked up Kai really is? How... how.... he sighs. He couldn't see, it was too foggy, too much.

"I'm sorry," Beomgyu answers, and Kai knows what he means.

"Yes. Me too." 

..........................

author's note.

#feverish