When Kai awakes, he is alone in his house. His temperature is down but the coughing won't let up. There are pills and a glass of water on the nightstand. He takes those without knowing what they are along with the entire glass to soothe his throat.

He falls asleep again.

...................

"That's crazy." Beomgyu comments after Soobin retells the events of his and Taehyun's morning. Yeonjun was there too, and saw the whole thing until Soobin took him by the shoulders and told him to run to the head department of sports. "He's sick, then?" He turns to Taehyun, trying not to look too invested.

The younger nods. "Yeah, I don't know why he insisted on coming today. He would have passed out in class." Taehyun himself got to his morning lecture 20 minutes late and had to duck his head down until he sat down because the whole class looked at him like they knew what he was doing before he got there.

"Well, that's the end of it then." Beomgyu scrapes his bowl clean, not leaving a grain of rice behind.

"Don't you think it's strange?" Soobin starts again and Taehyun sighs. "Please, Hyung. Not this over and over again, strange? People get sick."

Soobin rolls his eyes. "No, not that, dummy." He plays with his food. "Why would he insist on studying here? In Korea, where everyone knows him? Scratch that, he'd be better off anywhere but here even if it's Busan or Jeju." he shrugs. "I wouldn't set myself up for that if I was in his shoes."

"It's the best program for psychology," Beomgyu answers almost too fast. "I mean- so I have heard. He's a psychology major, isn't he?"

"The best in his department." Taehyun shows off, but he's not sure why. Soobin isn't either. "Is he your boyfriend or something? You sound so proud... "he pokes at his salmon.

Taehyun reddens. "No," he defenses. "I'm just stating a fact. If he's the best here, obviously other programs will be nothing on him. Why even bother with going to other universities?"

"That's a good point." Yeonjun comes back with a second bowl of soup, having heard only the end of Taehyun's argument.

"What do you know?" Soobin makes a face. "S'weird, that's all."

"Okay." Taehyun puts down his chopsticks and looks at Soobin. "If he's so weird, why did you help him today?" He puts his friend on the spot.

Soobin blinks twice and Yeonjun snorts. Beomgyu however, looks forward to the answer.

"Well, you know? Violence is never cool... "he rolls the word cool smoothly. "And I felt sorry for the cleaning staff, blood is not easy to clean." There is overshadowing in his words and suddenly Taehyun doesn't feel all that confident.

"That seems convenient," Taehyun whispers under his breath.

"Baby." Yeonjun nudges his shoulder into Beomgyu's. "you're quiet, is everything alright?" The table's attention turns to Beomgyu and he lifts his eyes from his empty bowl and plasters a fake smile on his face.

"Just tired, I had a presentation due this morning," he explains. Trying to keep his tone light. He should stop by the auntie's restaurant after his class, and bring some warm soup home. "Also-" he holds his stomach and points at his empty tray. "Food coma." he jokes.

Yeonjun hums, slinging an arm across Beomgyu's shoulder. "Me too, practice had me starving." He holds Beomgyu's hand under the table and the other returns with a squeeze. "who's up for ice cream?"

Soobin's eyebrows shoot up. "Are you done for today?"

"Last lecture got canceled." Yeonjun smiles. "Beoms?"

"Oh, I- I have a thing." his tone is apologetic. "Maybe tomorrow?"

Yeonjun's smile fades. "What thing?"

Beomgyu wishes he wouldn't ask so that he wouldn't need to tell any more lies. He hates lying to his boyfriend, his love. He hates it, but he can't stop.

"Family stuff, you know how it is." Beomgyu gets up quickly, kissing Yeonjun's cheek before he leaves the corridor.

"I don't know, actually," Yeonjun murmurs a little too late.

Soobin sips from his water, his eyes observing Yeonjun's expression. "What is up with you two?" He puts down his glass.

The older shrugs. "You ever got this feeling that Beomgyu-... "he trails off, not sure how to word himself.

Soobin seems to understand without him having to fully say it though. Taehyun may be a little confused, but he too can feel the slight distance between Beomgyu and the rest of them. It has always been there, he thinks. Not a distance, but something unsolved with Beomgyu.

"Hiding something?"

"Yes." Yeonjun's face turns grim. "I wonder sometimes that maybe... he's cheating?" He says the last bit so quietly that if they were not one of the few groups still left in the corridor, they might not have heard it.

"No." Soobin dismissed. "If it were anyone else, maybe. But not Beomgyu, he's too kind to do this to you."

Yeonjun's eyes light up. "You think?"

"he's madly in love with you, Hyung," Soobin confirms. "There must be something else going on."

"Beomgyu does seem too soft to cheat," Taehyun adds. "You have nothing to worry about. Not about this, at least."

Yeonjun thinks back to a few weeks earlier, Beomgyu seemed to be fighting a lot with his family recently. He's bothered by the fact that he was never actually introduced to Beomgyu's parents, but his boyfriend keeps coming up with excuses.

He knows Beomgyu's parents go away for business, so they're hardly ever there. And when they are, they're constantly fighting.

Maybe he needs to give Beomgyu some more time to open up if that is what he's so secretive about. He just hopes Beomgyu knows he'll be better help if he knows what is going on.

..................

Kai's a no-show at sociology again, but it's no surprise considering he was bedridden the last time Taehyun saw him which was no less than two days ago. Is he still sick? Taehyun sure hopes he's recovering nicely but the thought of no one being there to help him keeps on nagging him.

Over the last two days, he's asked around the psychology department and figured out what classes Kai has been taking throughout the week. He collected notes from students who attended the same classes as Kai, bribing them with free coffee for it.

In sociology, he does his best to write everything down, highlighting the most important things and he arranges everything in a folder. All the notes and college work Kai missed when he was sick, all in one place so that he could catch up quickly.

Taehyun assumes it's important to him. He knows it is, otherwise, why would he insist on coming with such a high fever? It can't be easy for him to stay at home knowing he is behind in his classes.

He drives to the address appearing most recent on his GPS app and knocks on the door, heart racing as he waits for Kai to open.

Maybe he's asleep? And Taehyun bothers his resting? Should he come by later? Those thoughts come when he stands there waiting longer than he should. But then he hears shuffling behind the door, it creaks open.

"Taehyun." Kai's eyes widen, and he opens the door fully. He stands not so tall in a set of a loose white shirt and baggy black pants. It's his first seeing Kai in anything mildly informal. His palms begin to sweat.

"Yes!" He replies, a bit too enthusiastic. "I-umm. How are you feeling?" He scratches the back of his neck; he can't help but feel dumb for asking. It's obvious by Kai's appearance he's still sick.

Better than before, but sick, nonetheless.

Kai's gaze on Taehyun is almost scrutinizing as he tries to figure out the intention behind the question. "Not dead yet."

Taehyun laughs awkwardly, shifting his weight to his other leg. "That's good... "

Is it?

"So, I-" Taehyun removes his backpack, holding it in front of him. "I thought, since you missed a few classes, you could use this." He hands Kai the folder, watching as Kai takes it with great care and looks down at Taehyun, waiting for him to explain.

He looks confused if Taehyun digs deep into the mild expression hidden in Kai's blank face.

"it's notes, from other students. Mental health, English... you have an assignment due for next week on that." Taehyun lists the courses. "Developmental psychology, it's a bit long." he points at the pages. "And-" he flips a page. "My notes from sociology, I know the writing is... um- unique, but if you find some paragraphs hard to read you can take a picture for me and I'll translate it." He backs away from the folder in Kai's hands and looks up. "So..." He clears his throat. "I hope this helps." he clamps his hands together.

Kai stands motionless with the folder open in his hands, his eyes slowly going through every page. His black locks fall gracefully on his face as he looks up from the notes, closing the folder.

They stare at each other, wordlessly.

"Maybe... "Taehyun tears his eyes when he feels his face and body heating under Kai's dark eyes. "Maybe this doesn't help- I don't know. I just thought it might be... nice. You know? You probably don't. It's stupid, I'm sorry." Suddenly he feels weird standing there, as if he's intruding on someone who dislikes it the most.

He knows Kai told him to keep a distance, but he finds that he truly can't. The more he tries not to think of the boy the more he eventually does. "I hope you feel better soon." He turns on his heels to leave.

"Care for a glass of water?"

Taehyun enters the spacious house first. It feels different than before in a strange way.

"Out with it."

He turns around, looking into Kai's hard eyes. His expression once again changes to something that makes Taehyun more nervous than he was a few seconds ago. "Out with what?" Kai locks the door from the inside and looks up at Taehyun, it's chilling.

"I am not certain which magazine it is you're working for, which paper or news station." Kai exhales sharply. He missed something while doing a background check on Taehyun, he's sure of that.

The question is what, and who Taehyun is working for, what he's trying to achieve by coming here, twice. No one would risk being seen with him if it wasn't for personal gain, so what is it? "This kind facade, I don't care for it," Kai says, getting closer and closer. "So, stop trying."

What is it that keeps Taehyun coming back?

"Facade?" Taehyun shakes his head. His big eyes sparkle with disappointment and hurt. "Isn't it possible for me to just... L-like you?" He stumbles over his words, and with Kai putting him on the spot he blurts it out, something he should've said in a different setting. His cheeks turn red, and he directs his gaze to the floor, both surprised with himself and embarrassed.

"Oh... that is really, a clever move." Kai mocks. He wears almost, this crooked bitter smile as he looks down at the other. He takes Taehyun's hand and yanks him forward. dragging their faces close together.

Taehyun's eyes widen as he yelps at the sudden move. "You're not leaving here until I hear some real answers."

"Kai, this is real." His eyes are pleading, conveying thousands more words than he can speak. Kai tightens his hold on Taehyun's wrist, it seems that with each word he grows more and more disbelieving. "Don't lie to me," he whispers, so close Taehyun can feel his quickened breath on his cheek.

"I'm not... "his voice is choked. He lets out a pained whimper. "Please, I- it hurts." he attempts to release himself, his wrist is limp and red. "Let go." He bends down, unintentionally bowing his head as he tries to hide his tears.

Kai presses his lips together. "Which is it, then? Why are you here? What do you wish to take from me? Information, objects, pictures... Which of the above?"

Kang Taehyun. First-year pre-med student, 21 years old. What did he miss? What slipped through his fingers, he must know. There is no persistence, no such practiced acting without some sort of reward. Some people get away as far away from him as they can, some however want answers too.

Curious beyond compare, he had to fight off reporters and speculators for many years after his dad passed.

He can do it again.

He has to hand it to the redhead, for a second there he almost bought it. Almost caved in, if all due to his innocent smile and welcoming touch. He faltered, but it ends now.

"Nothing! I want nothing, Kai... Ow... "he cries.

"Then why are you here?"

Taehyun sniffles. "I-I want to get to know you... "it was true, now however he was not quite sure if he wanted that anymore. But as he looks up, tears gathering in his eyes, he realizes he does. Something about Kai intrigues him and captivates him. He knows there is good in that boy, like a diamond in a cave, it'll take time to dig it out but when he makes it... it'll feel so good. "Is that so hard to believe?"

Even now, when he's in pain, he can sense Kai doesn't want to hurt him and can feel the tip of the weight balancing between white and black. Kai wants white, he wants to believe. Something stops him.

He can see it in his once cold eyes, a flicker of desperation, for understanding. For kindness and care. He can see the want; it's hidden deep but it's there.

"You're playing games with me." Kai squints his eyes and loosens the hold, Taehyun exhales in immediate relief while the others pierce through him. It's both hot and cold, both intimidating and hypnotizing. He can't look away.

"' M not... "His voice is small, careful yet sincere, why? Why can't Kai hear him? Why can't he hear the intentions behind his words?

Kai wears almost this heartbroken expression but it goes away in a heartbeat, ironed over with his blank face. "I have nothing to hand to you, nothing to offer. Whatever it is you wish to find, I can't grant that to you."

He can't hear him, can't find it in him to listen, really listen. Taehyun breathes out, defeated. He's exhausted from repeating himself and his heart beats so hard it might as well give out, maybe that will show Kai the effect he has on him.

Maybe that way he won't be so dense.

"I'm not looking to find anything, God... "his head falls forward, landing between Kai's shoulder and his chest. "What is the matter with you!" he yells abruptly, looking up with fierce and glossy eyes. "I'm standing here, telling you I have feelings for you, real feelings." he inhales, puffing his chest. "I'm not looking to find anything! Okay?"

Kai sighs.

"Do you wish to know why I'm here? It's because every day since I saw you sitting on the edge of the roof you have been plaguing my thoughts, I can't sleep right, I can't think straight because you drive me... crazy." Taehyun breathes heavily. "Is that what you want to hear? That you make me mad?"

Kai knows, doesn't think but knows that whatever people think of him they think because they were told to, fed information by others. More often than not those thoughts stay, and his image remains that of a bad person.

It's difficult to convince anyone otherwise especially when he himself thinks that. He hurts people, it's what he does for a living. There is no gray area, there is black and white.

Kai and Taehyun.

Only one of them has blood on his hands, whether it's a rapist's blood or not. He still has the limbs and bones of one person in his hands, crushing them until they no longer make a sound. He still has sticky blood running on his hands, and still sees red whenever he washes it off.

There is black and white, and Kai is definitely, without a single doubt... black.

Taehyun's white does not deserve to be washed out or dirtied by Kai nor does he want it to either.

"Words are not going to convince you..." Taehyun whispers. Already onto Kai. He's not himself anymore, not after this conversation. "Maybe this will." and he tip toes on his feet, pressing his lips onto Kai's for a soft momentary touch. It's almost feather-light because he's shaking so bad he doesn't think he can possibly kiss any better than that, it is still intimate, nonetheless.

That's two times. Two times he kissed Kai. Mint and smoke invade his nose when Kai parts his lips in surprise.

He shivers, his hand that still holds Taehyun's wrist goes slack and they break apart. Taehyun opens his eyes slowly, looking into Kai's hesitantly. There is doubt in them, they're stretched wide, unblinking.

He notices the hairs on Kai's hands standing, a slight tremble to his arms. The kiss was barely there, only a fleeting touch between their lips yet Kai had a fuzzy, warm feeling spreading in his chest and he didn't know whether he was uncomfortable or incredibly relieved by the touch. Moreso, he is not sure how to respond.

Or react.

So, he does nothing, only silently glancing at Taehyun's lips. He doesn't know what the feeling in his chest is, but he gets high on it, wanting to experience the sudden relief again.

Is Taehyun sincere?

"Kai... "Taehyun's voice shakes. He goes for the other's hand, grabbing it lightly. "I'm sorry, that was too abrupt." He regrets his actions, but as he initiates more contact, he sees Kai growing more and more relaxed, despite the tremor in his hands. He tilts his head, wondering to himself.

He decides to try something. He curls his fingers around Kai's hand, running his other hand on Kai's arm, comfortingly so. Kai sighs, closing his eyes blissfully. "Do you? D-do you like that?" Taehyun bites his lip, breathing shallowly. His fingers danced over the goosebumps showing on Kai's skin.

Kai's head drops a little, he feels like he's floating. This needs to stop. "I can't." he moves back, but Taehyun stops him. The redhead's hand moves from Kai's arm to his neck, holding his nape with affection in his eyes.

Why does he suddenly feel dizzy? It feels so good, his skin lighting with every touch, it's warm and calming. He wants to melt into it. His reaction is involuntary and he's terrified.

His eyes are wet, why are his eyes wet?

"It's okay... "Taehyun whispers. "You're touch-starved, aren't you?" his thumb circles on Kai's nape, tangles in the hairs on the back of his head. What has he done to him? He feels high. It's not right. It's not real.

His legs feel like jelly. Something trickles down his face, has he been cut? He needs to clean the blood away; he needs to leave.

"Crying is normal... it's okay now." Taehyun presses closer to him and embraces Kai in a tight hug, he doesn't care that the other stands there, motionless, confused. "You're fine." He pats Kai's back, not letting go for a while.

Kai's not sure how many minutes go by before Taehyun's legs go but as soon as he does, he feels cold again, despite his fever. He follows Taehyun with his eyes, the redhead wipes the wetness from his face. It's clear.

Tears.