A/N: Yes Niall is pregnant it's a MalePreg story now.

Dear Zayn,

I just got back from the hospital today and I almost lost the baby. That was a serious wake up call for me, I can't lost my little one because I'm to selfish to get over you, I won't let my baby suffer and I will start eating more and enjoying life. I've had a healthy lunch full of vegetables and cold water.

I've patch things up with Harry and I'm grateful for him being my friend, I'm extremely happy that Harry told me that he's dating Liam, your friend. He's dealing with your death really badly as well, but Harry's there to support Liam and me. I was thinking of baby names and I can't even think of one. I'm kinda excited for this little one to be born into the world, but afraid of how to be a father.

A single father I might add and I don't blame you, I thank you for giving me a son or daughter that I get to bring into this world. A baby you've created before you died and I'm happy he or she gets to live because of you.

My mother wasn't so supportive, but eventually she came around and supported my decision of keeping the baby. Even if she wasn't accepting, I wouldn't give up my child. No one can take him or her away from me. I'm slowly accepting that your really gone from my life and I just need to let it sink into my brain, but if I do, I will be in a emotional wreck.

I need to be happy and not being in a emotional mess, but you know what? I thought since I'm pregnant I thought my mood swings would be on over drive and I would be screaming and crying heavily, but I'm not. I just feel happy that I have a baby growing inside me and I'm incredibly blessed that you've made it happen Zayn Malik :)

Gosh I miss your smiley faces you send me. I thought they were corny, but I secretly loved them. I hope your doing well in heaven looking down on me and our child. I guess this is goodbye Zayn. You won't be forgotten, you will always be in my mind. I feel like I've poured my heart and souls into these letters and this will be my last. Everywhere you are, I hope your resting in peace.
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Shameless Promotion: Mind checking out my new Ziall book called Polaroid, please.

Merry Christmas :)