A/N: Thank you guys for 1k votes :)

Dear Zayn,

As I continue reading this crappy five stages of grieving, I find it more and more ridiculous. Apparently I shouldn't be blaming myself, or I shouldn't doubt what could've I've done. The article makes it seems like I will get over Zayn so quickly. I do blame myself for Zayn's death even even though it was Louis who killed him, but I will keep repeating myself that I should've have asked for the first date. I'm so fucking sorry Zayn, I need you to hold me. I need you to help me be stronger.

Harry kept visiting me today and I just ignored him. He's been with Liam for a few days and I'm happy for them. Harry kept telling me, if he never meant me than he wouldn't have Liam in his life. I responded with if I hadn't meet Zayn in my life, he would be alive. I tend to create conversations that has to be about Zayn. I live and thinking about Zayn everyday that passes.

Please don't leave me, I need you in my life. I won't accept the fact your dead. I will just for you until you come back to me. I will sit in my room and wait until you call or text me. I don't give a shit how long it will take until you come back me. I may being insane and crazy right now, but Your not dead! You can't be!

My mother feels guilty for treating Zayn like he was another guy that was trying to get into my pants. I don't blame her. I thought the same thing, but when I got to know the true Zayn who actually was willingly to protect me from his family and Louis. It's just shows how great of a man he is.... Was.