Entry 34

I didn't imagine that after everything we've been through together, we'll just find ourselves twisted by our own fate. But that's one of the truths of life; it's cruel and it doesn't care about our feelings. Life will throw us things we thought we could handle at the same time, but we can't. It's just impossible.

Love is such a tricky thing that life invented. But if not because of it, I don't think I'll ever realize how much I still have to find myself because the love I give is not the love I receive from myself. Sa loob ng walong taon na nagdaan, akala ko sapat na ang pagmamahal na binibigay sa'kin ni Dax without realizing that the love I need should come from myself.

Tumayo ako sa harap ng salamin at pinagmasdan ang namumugto kong mga mata. I smiled faintly at my reflection.

This is not the person I pictured myself becoming years ago.

I wiped the tears that escaped and with my left strength, I scooped my bags and give the room one last glance before I finally exited our bedroom. Dax didn't follow when I entered our room last night and I only had half an hour sleep. Hindi pa gaanong sumisikat ang araw sa labas nang umapak ako sa aming living room at natanaw ang katawan ni Dax na nakaupo sa sofa.

He abruptly stood when he felt my presence. Katulad ko ay parehas namamaga ang aming mga mata sa parehas na dahilan na hindi kami nakatulog at umiyak lang kami magdamag.

When I met Dax, I have come to believe that Romeo and Juliet's story is real. I have come to believe that our love story is like some fairytale with happily ever after. I have come to love the idea of me being a princess, and him as my prince. I started to think that having a fairytale-like life is amazing. But turning away from Dax right now, I realized that we aren't living in a fictional book created by a writer who seeks perfection in another world. Life was never a fairytale. I am at my reality where Dax and I can grow beautifully while apart. I am no longer in the chapter where I think I can be his princess, but I will always believe that he's the best prince I ever met.

"Baby, come on. Don't do this." His voice broke as he pleads.

Nahinto siya sa kaniyang paglapit sa'kin nang makita niya ang mga bag na hawak ko. I saw how the gray storm hit his brightly sunshine eyes. The pain of last night is no compare to the pang in my chest right now.

"Please, Tri, don't do this." Pagsusumamo niya at halos manlaki ang mga mata ko nang lumuhod siya sa'king harap.

Gusto kong sigawan siya at pilitin siyang patayuin pero hindi ko magawang igalaw ang aking mga paa. Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ipikit ang aking mga mata at hinayaan, sa huling pagkakataon, na payapang maglandas ang aking mga luha.

"Tri, please... don't do this. I can't... I c-can't..."

A sob came out of my mouth when the pain in his voice seeped into my skin. I hate hearing him pleading as if this is his death. I hate seeing him cry as if this will be the last. Because this is not the end for him. He has to know that.

"I am not the end of you. So, please, Dax, tumayo ka na." Nahihirapan kong saad.

I opened my eyes and blinked the tears away to clear my vision just to be shot with a hundred bullets straight to my heart when I saw how wrecked he is. He's kneeling five feet apart from me while his head is dipped down in exhaustion as though the strength in his muscles no longer works. And for damn sake, he's still wearing the same clothes he was in last night. He's a doctor with a complex sleep schedule, he should be sleeping right now, but look at him, he's wasting his time for me.

I hate us for that. He can't see how much we're ruining each other.

"I will... I will resign from my job. Just stay with me. Please, don't leave me. You are my home, Tri. Without you, I don't think I could do it anymore. I am gone when you're gone."

He finally stood with exertion and met my eyes.

"Do you really think I'm selfish?" I asked with a strained voice.

If there's one person on this planet that saw his struggles while trying to run after his dreams, I am that person. I've seen him hurt, exhausted, and determined. I witnessed how he almost gave up on his dreams, I heard all the stories he had in Med School and in his multiple part-time jobs, and I felt how his words were marked with ascertainment. This was once just his future endeavor and now he's finally one step away from becoming a doctor. And how could I be so selfish and let him give up something he worked hard for most of his life just to be with me? The answer is no. I will never let that happen.

"You can't give up your life here for me. This is your dream." I added and tried to emphasize the words thus he can hear them clearly.

"I just don't see any reason to continue this dream if you're gone from my life!" He bawled.

"Then maybe that's the reason why this has to end. We're too codependent. You need to see yourself without me. You need to find the reason why you're here without me. And I... I need to find myself without you. You know how wrong it is to live this life just for the sake of each other. There's more to this life than the world we both created for ourselves."

"It's never wrong..." he shook his head. "We happened and it was never wrong."

"It is, Dax. And we have to let go of each other..." I whispered, "because this is not the life I dreamed with you. You know it."

I bit my bottom lip to suppress a cry and snaked my arms around my waist. I looked away just to be welcomed by the stream of sunlight coming from the morning sun. Gone the dark and here's the light finally, but our pain remains as though we're still trapped in the cold barren darkness.

Silence filled the air and I knew he understood. At least with that, we can agree. This is not the life we dreamed of.

"Just for once... just for once, Tri. Can we try again? Let's make this work again. I've learned from my mistakes... please, don't end this. I don't want to end this."

"It's not about you, Dax." You're just too perfect for me.

"There's... there's just a life I want to live." I tried to explain and hoped that he could understand.

"Without me." He presumed.

"No." Agap ko. "This is hard for me, too. Walong taon tayong nagsama. Mahal kita at hindi ko makita ang sarili ko na wala ka sa tabi ko pero parehas nating hindi namamalayan na binabaliktad na tayo ng panahon. Habang akala natin papalapit na tayo sa buhay na pangarap nating dalawa, dinadala naman pala tayo sa magkaibang lugar."

I swallowed the bile in my throat and with all my might, I welcomed the torment his eyes are giving me—it skinned me alive.

"You just have a different life. We have different dreams."

Iyon ang totoo. Our differences brought us here.

"We've been together for eight years. We are living the same life." He reasoned out.

"That's the reason why, Dax. I've been living this life with you for years. Please, don't get me wrong, I was happy. I really was. And if things would just be easier for the both of us, I would wish for this to remain. Pero... kilala mo ako. Sa lahat ng taong nakakaalam ng pangalan ko, mga taong nakakakilala sa'kin, ikaw lang ang tunay na nakakita kung sino ba talaga ako and you know exactly what I want. You know exactly why I want this to end. You know, of all people, that I have other dreams that are more significant than this."

"Than this relationship," aniya.

Tumango ako. I know how much it hurt him to hear from someone he loves that there are more important things than him for her. I'm aware of how much pain I'm causing him right now and I don't feel the slimmest satisfaction over it either. I'm in pain, too. I love him, truly, and I'd really like to spend the rest of my life with him, however, I can never forgive myself for not coming after my own dreams. I will forever live in regrets if I won't choose my dreams now. I know I'm risking the possible lifetime with Dax, but we've had different paths in this life since the very beginning. He's sure of what he wants, while I, I'm still trying to figure out what's my role in this life.

All my life I was only submitting to my parents' bidding, now is the time to finally hear my own voice. To choose for myself and what's best for me. To take the path I think I am fit walking into.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You're the only person who saw the real me. You love me in spite of how overbearing I am and you understood my silence. You're the person I never wanted to lose, but..." I sniffed. "I need to find myself. I love you and that I don't think would ever change. But, damn, I feel so wrecked in spite of your love. I feel like a broken vase even though you keep fixing me with glues. I still feel misunderstood most of the time even though you keep listening to me. And I'm so..." my voice croaked as I keep talking, "I feel so insecure. I feel unworthy. I feel so damaged. I feel like I'm not good enough."

I wiped my tears away and tried searching for oxygen to breathe in before I continue.

"And I'm so frustrated to change that because this is not the person I want to become. I may be everything when I was younger—a prisoner inside a bubble, unheard, untouched, and misunderstood, but I am no longer those things. I'm finally free, Dax." I smiled wistfully at him. "I want to finally learn how to love myself first this time. I couldn't bear anymore the pain I'm causing you just because I have my own issues to deal with."

"I will only hurt you." Sa mababang boses kong tuloy.

"You're not and won't hurt me—"

"Dax, please," pagod ko nang untag. Please don't make this any harder. "We both know that that is a lie. Sa loob ng walong taon alam nating dalawa na paulit-ulit kitang sinaktan. I gave you uncountable hard times all these years and I'm not blind; I can see you hurting in spite of all the pretenses and masks you wear just so you can't hurt me back. It's not healthy."

"I love you." Iyon lamang ang lumabas sa kaniyang bibig sa dami kong sinabi at kahit sobrang ikli lang no'n, tumagos iyon sa'king puso at para akong sinaksak ng tuloy-tuloy.

"Can't you see? We're killing each other by holding back each other. I want you to stop holding me back, Dax. And I want to stop holding you back as well. There's a life ahead of us."

"That life will be bullshit without you."

I ignored what he said. He's in pain and I understand his anger.

"I need to do this, Dax. You taught me how to love. To appreciate myself. But I want to grow and find a better version of myself. And our relationship failed to make me grow. It stopped me from turning into someone I want to become. It stops me from reaching my own goal. To live the life I always dream of. It's not here. Not in this condominium with just us two. I want to see the world. I want to live my dreams. Our relationship was happy, memorable, and all that it almost seems perfect from the outside, but we both know that it wasn't. Our relationship is like a rose with a pretty exterior but with poisonous thorns. This will kill us if we don't stop."

He didn't utter a single word after. Wow, the silence hurts more than the chaos of our fights.

"You were the one who told me before that I always have choices," I said. "I'm choosing this, Dax." I added.

I once used to believe that I have no other choices but, no, I always have. It's just that some are harder to make than others. And this, me leaving, is the hardest choice I ever make. But this has always been here, ignored and unheard. Maybe hard choices will bring me to the place I always want to be part of. Maybe this could make me feel worthy again.

I saw him tremble and his shoulder shakes as he tried to suppress tears escaping from his eyes. His eyes are bloodshot which makes it more painful to leave.

He's willing to give up his dreams for me, but I can't do the same. I know I'm selfish when I said to him that I'm choosing my dreams over him. I love him so much but I don't think I'd like to leave this world without fulfilling my own dreams. I'm risking a lifetime with him, I know. And this is a tough decision to make but I'm here. I'm bravely choosing this. I'm finally listening to my own voice.

"Goodbye, Dax." Dinala ng hangin ang salitang iyon na hindi ako sigurado kung naging malinaw ba para sa kaniya.

Inayos ko ang aking bag at tinalikuran siya. I was already halfway to the door when he finally spoke again but I didn't turn around to face him again—I can't bear to see him hurt anymore. It's killing me.

"No goodbyes." Matigas niyang untag sa mababa at malamig na tinig. "You know how much I trust you, Tri. And I trust that this decision you're making..." he trails off and resumed after a second while, "I know that this is what you think is best for us and I will believe that because I trust you more than anyone."

I can't restrain myself any longer and the tears flooded in my cheeks like waterfalls. I know that he trusts me and I hate how I couldn't do the same to him.

"Be your own person again. Run after your dreams. Explore. Heal. Do whatever you want and be wherever you feel belonged. But I will trust in us. I will trust in our love. Because this," I didn't see it but I can feel him gesturing his hand between us, "this is real and I know that we can still have our forever."

"You can fall in love again—" I didn't finish my words when he cut me off.

"You can leave alone. You can have your life without me. I know you will be mad and entreat me to forget you but that's not your choice to make. I will wait. I will wait for you no matter how long it will take for you to come back to me again."

I was stunned by his words because, honestly, I don't expect him to wait for me. Or maybe... I just really did think the worst of him, but he's not the worst. He's a perfect guy actually, it's just that I don't deserve perfect.

I remember there's a line in one of my favorite books that says "You'll never be able to find yourself if you're lost in someone else." I and Dax were both young when we met each other and we tautly believed that our relationship could beat all the odds, and us against the world. However, that isn't the reality we welcomed into our faces. Growth is necessary for a healthy relationship— we had that at first but it never continued. And right now, he should know that we need to find ourselves respectively. Him without me, and I without him. We have to see that there are things in this life that we can reach if we're not tangled with each other.

This relationship stops us from growing. We are working, trying to do a living, but aren't we not living the life? A life with him is my dream— will always be. But if a life that we can only bring to each other is toxicity, then perhaps, we are good living the life separately. I want to see him reach his dreams but if the only way for him to achieve them is by disappearing, I will. I decided this not only for his sake but also for me. I want to find myself— not the old me, but the Tri I'm still supposed to meet. I want to meet her. Maybe... maybe, when we finally both found the best version of ourselves, the time could be right then for us again. The possibility is not clear but, maybe.

When life finally gets tired of twisting us... maybe we can find each other again.

"That forever is still real to me, Tri."

Those were his last words to me before I, without a word, finally opened the door and exited our home.

Growing up as someone that has to act in a certain way, Dax made sure that I wasn't pretending whenever I'm with him. My life's choices were dictated, my plans were just thrown at me, and my emotions were trained. I was once a girl with no voice, not until he came and it all changed. And I think it was a perfect love story to tell— of how the damsel in distress princess met her prince charming on a white horse. But, perhaps, not every love story has its happy ever after. Not when I know that I was never a princess. Not when I know Dax was never a prince. Not when I know that there's a life beyond this love story. Or maybe, it's not yet the time for happy endings. I still have unfulfilled dreams that will forever hinder me from reaching my own magical sweet conclusion. I'm a bit old for fairytales, but no matter how bitter our relationship ended, I still do believe that our fates are twisted. We will never know. Infinity exists in our universe.