Entry 27

I ignored him for seven days. I didn't log in to my social media accounts just to avoid talking to him. We've been into a lot of fights, pero iba ngayon dahil malayo siya. Sa mga nakaraan naming away, kung hindi ko man siya pansinin ay hinahayaan niya ako dahil alam niyang kakausapin ko rin siya kalaunan. However, when I finally logged in to my account, I saw him bombarding me with messages and missed calls. He doesn't like us fighting when he's far away, he told me that before.

Yes, we never fought once when he was out of town or even out of country, this was the first time that I ignored him when he's not home. Pero hindi ibigsabihin nang hindi kami nag-aaway ng mga panahong wala siya dito ay hindi ako nagselos dahil sa tuwing umaalis siya para sa trabaho nang hindi ako kasama, para akong teenager na kating-kati na sundan siya at siguraduhing wala siyang kinikitang iba. We were not fighting but I'm secretly doubting his loyalty for me. And I hate myself for that.

It took me seven days before I finally came back to my old logical and calmed self. Nandoon pa rin ang hindi ko mapigilang pag-ooverthink tungkol sa sitwasyon niya sa China at kung anong ginagawa niya kasama ng mga co-doctors niya—specifically with that particular woman I'm jealous of. No. Actually, lahat na lang 'ata ng babae na katrabaho niya ay pinagseselosan ko. God, I'm the worst.

"I miss you." Iyon ang bungad niya sa'kin nang magdesisyon akong sagutin na ang tawag niya.

I'm in my condo right now and it's a bit late in the evening already. Nasa kitchen ako at nakaharap sa aking laptop dahil hindi ako makatulog kakaisip kaya naman nagdesisyon akong tapusin ang trabaho ko kanina sa office.

I bit my tongue because as much as I want to return how I also miss him, I can't make myself say it. I'm too guilty to even speak. After ignoring him for a week, I almost make myself believe that he wouldn't call me anymore because he already got tired of me. But instead, he welcomed me with that.

I expected for him to welcome me with "Why are you ignoring me?" o 'di kaya ay "Lagi mo na lang akong ini-ignore, minsan biglaan pa nang hindi ko man lang alam ang dahilan. Nakakasawa na." But instead, he told me that he misses me.

Gusto kong isipin na nasasanay na siya sa madalas kong pag-ignore sa kaniya sa tuwing nag-aaway kami,—which is mostly my fault—pero hindi pa rin niya ako sinusukuan. At natatakot akong dumating ang panahon na siya ang unang bumitaw sa'min; na baka dumating ang panahon na marealize niyang pagod na siya sa ugali ko.

And I know I'm unfair for that. Natatakot akong mawala siya pero ako naman itong laging gumagawa ng problema namin.

I want to apologize for ignoring him but I feel like he already had enough of that from me for the past seven years of our relationship. Dahil lagi na lang ganito ang sitwasyon namin: mag-aaway kami, hindi ko siya papansinin ng ilang araw, kakausapin niya ako at pipiliting ayusin ang relasyon namin, I'm going to say sorry and he will accept it, then mauulit na naman. Minsan kinukumbinsi ko ang aking sarili na hindi siya napapagod sa'kin dahil mahal niya ako pero ginagawa ko lang tanga ang sarili ko. Who wouldn't get tired of my attitude?

"How are you?" Tanong niya nang ilang minuto ang nagdaan at hindi ko siya sinagot.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and face my phone to see him. Madilim na rin sa lugar niya at tingin ko ay nasa kaniya siyang room dahil kakaunti lamang ang liwanag na tumatama sa mukha niya. His hair is a bit damp like he just finished showering and he's wearing a white clean shirt. Nakahilig ang ulo niya sa headboard ng kama at halata ang pagod sa kaniyang mukha. His eyes, on the other hand, look more sad than tired.

At alam kong ako ang may kasalanan kung bakit malungkot ngayon ang mga mata niya.

I want to ask, do I still deserve this man?

"I-I'm fine. Ikaw?" Mabilis kong sagot at bahagya pa akong nautal.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa screen ng aking laptop at nagkunwari na mayroong tinitipa kahit hindi ko na alam kung ano ang ginagawa ko. My mind is wandering around me and Dax and how I want to be worthy of his love.

"I'm not okay."

If I could list all the things that I love and admire about him, maybe I'd run out of paper. Dax is the most honest guy I ever met. He always says the truth to me and he doesn't waver to show it to me because he trusts me. And that is something I don't think I could ever have. I trust him, yes, but most of the time, I have to lie just to save this relationship.

Dahil kung malalaman niya ang tumatakbo sa isip ko, hindi ako sigurado kung maganda ba ang kahahantungan ng aming relasyon. Isa lang sa dalawa ang posibilidad na mangyari: siya ang susuko sa relasyon naming ito o ako.

I want neither of those two to ever happen.

"You were ignoring me." Dagdag niya nang muli ay hindi ko siya inimik.

I wanted to ask why, but I know the reason already. I wanted to comfort him and tell him that everything will be okay, but how when I know I'm the reason he's not okay?

"I wasn't ignoring you." I can have a place in hell now for the enormous amount of lies I already said to him.

"I was just busy." I added a lie.

I wasn't as busy as him.

"For seven days." He pointed out.

I gritted my teeth because I'm suddenly annoyed. What the hell is wrong with me?

Of course I know what is wrong with me. Ayokong isipin niya na nagsisinungaling ako sa kaniya kahit iyon naman ang totoo. God, I hate myself!

"I have work." And that is true.

Though my heart is heavy for keeping my responses as short as possible. Tinigil ko ang pagtitipa sa aking keyboard at kinuyom ang aking mga kamay. I took a deep breath and finally face the screen of my phone again. And he's still there, watching me with those tired and sad eyes as though he's trying to understand me. Iyon naman lagi ang ginagawa niya. He always tries to understand me. And I know why he's doing that. He wants to save this relationship by being patient with me.

"And you're busy, too." Ani ko.

"Not too busy to not find time to talk to my girlfriend." There's pain in his voice and I can't ignore that.

How ironic it is that I'm hurt when he's hurt when I'm the reason why.

Muli kong iniwas ang tingin sa screen ng aking cellphone. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot doon. Alam kong alam niyang nagsisinungaling ako pero hindi niya lang sinasabi.

Nabalot kami ng katahimikan ng ilang minuto bago siya ulit nagsalita.

"I'm sorry."

My eyes are pooling with tears now but I remained my posture. Kinurap ko ang aking mga mata upang hindi maglandas ang mga nagbabadyang luha.

He's apologizing for something he didn't do. Nagseselos ako, oo, pero hindi niya iyon kasalanan. Kaya ako umiiwas sa tuwing mayroon kaming away ay dahil alam kong ako ang may kasalanan. Noong una akala ko ay dahil gusto ko lang magkaroon ng time para mag-reflect sa lahat ng mga ginawa ko pero ilang taon na ang nagdaan at pakiramdam ko ay wala naman akong pinagbago. I still remain that kind of girlfriend who always wants to be the right one. I still act as though it was never my fault when it's apparent that I started it.

"No," I shook my head. "It wasn't your fault—"

"I know you saw the post. I'm going to avoid her. I don't want you to overthink."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Dapat nga ay hindi na ako nagugulat dahil nakakaramdam na ako noon pa man na alam ni Dax na nagseselos ako sa lahat ng babaeng napapalapit sa kaniya. But this is different. This is his colleague. He can't just ignore her.

But there's a part of me that is glad that he thought of it. It means that he values my opinions about it. Pero alam kong mali iyon. I'm being unfair to him. How would he grow as a doctor if I keep doing this to him? It's impossible that he can only be surrounded by male doctors.

"No, Dax." I keep shaking my head, trying to agree with the logical part of my brain kahit nakikipagtalo ang kabilang parte dahil nagseselos ito.

"I wasn't jealous and she's your colleague. You can't just avoid her." Tila ba mayroong karayom sa'king lalamunan dahil nahirapan akong sabihin ang mga salitang iyon.

He shifted on his position because the camera moved and I noticed that he's trying to sit now. Nakita ko sa kaniyang likod ang malaking glass window kung saan tanaw ang mga naglalakihang building na puno ng mga ilaw. I turned to my left and took a full view of the condo's large glass window. Hindi ko binaba ang blinds dahil kanina lang ay nakatitig ako sa kalakhan ng city lights. We don't have the same view but it seems like that. Katulad ng relasyon namin ngayon. We're no longer on the same page but it still seems like that.

Pakiramdam ko ay dinurog ng pino ang bawat parte ng puso ko dahil sa kaisipang iyon. When we were younger, I already trained myself to believe that this life will not always favor us both. That it will not always be sunshine. That there will be midnights when we are going to question the life we have, but we both promised each other that no matter what happens, even when the world turns against us, we shall never give this relationship up. We promised each other a forever. We plan to build a family when we're already both ready. We talked about marriage with certainty because we love each other.

And now, here we are. We're already on the brink of our relationship but we still want to save it.

"We're going on lunch with my colleagues when I return, then."

Kumunot ang aking noo. "We? Kasama ako?" I even pointed myself.

He nodded and I saw him sigh once. "You met some of them before. Si Helia, kilala mo na siya."

"Yeah. The nurse one, right?" And he's a male kaya hindi ako nagseselos kahit close sila.

"Marjen is the new resident doctor in the Germar's you're jealous of. I'll be working with her and with the others on our research. You have to meet her and see for yourself that I can never like someone like her. She's not you."

I frown at him. He knows I'm jealous. "Sinabi ko nang hindi ako nagseselos—"

"Please, Tri."

Tinikom ko ang aking bibig. He looks and sounds tired already but he's still talking to me. Gusto kong mainis dahil parang naiinis siya sa'kin pero alam kong nagiging petty na naman ako. Hindi pwedeng lagi ko na lang sasabayan ang mood niya. Kung naiinis siya sa'kin dahil kasalanan ko naman, hindi pwedeng mainis din ako sa kaniya dahil naiinis siya sa'kin. Does that make sense?

"So, Marjen, huh?" I arched a brow and tried my best to not sound jealous but I failed.

"Baby," may pagsusumamo at diin sa boses niya nang banggitin ang favorite endearment niya sa'kin.

"I can't tell you to stop getting jealous because that's for you to decide and feel, but you have to always remember that I can't fall in love with every girl I'm going to meet. And you know that you're the only person I fall in love with since I learned how to actually feel romantic emotions."

Alam ko. He told me that he liked me since he was around thirteen or fourteen. We were in the same school during high school but I had just never seen him before. And he already proved to me countless times how he's only in love with me. I just can't stop myself from being jealous and I don't know why.

"I'm not angry. And this isn't your fault. Stop thinking that."

I pouted. He knows me too well.

"Now, are we finally okay?" Maingat at malambing niyang tanong.

I bit my bottom lip and nodded slowly. "I miss you, too."

At sa loob ng ilang araw na hindi ko siya nakita at nakausap at simula nang mag-usap kami kanina, ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ngumiti ulit.

"I love you."

I smiled hearing that from him. That, I know. Hence, I shouldn't be jealous anymore.

After that ignoring-Dax-for-one-week-session that I did, I didn't do it again. Hindi ko na ulit nakitang magkatabi sila sa mga picture na pinopost ng mga kasama niya at sa mga picture na sini-send niya sa'kin. And every time nata-timing'an kong nasa conference siya kapag tumatawag ako ay madalas lalaki ang mga katabi niya. I never saw Marjen again close to him. Kahit sinabi ko naman sa kaniya na hindi niya kailangang iwasan ito ay ginawa niya pa rin.

Three months without him around is a torture. At dahil December na nang umuwi siya ay nag-file siya ng one week leave para ma-spend namin ang holidays kasama ang mga magulang namin. We celebrated Christmas in our mansion with Dax's family. Kinailangan lang namin bumalik ng Manila agad pagkatapos dahil may duty si Dax ng New Year. In the end, we spent New Year together in the hospital with the other nurses and doctors.

Natuloy ang plano ni Dax na isama ako sa isa mga lunch niya with his colleagues after a month. That's the only time I finally formally met the woman I'm jealous of. And she's so nice. She keeps smiling at me na para bang hindi nangangalay ang ngalangala niya.

"You're the Delavin's only heiress? Wow." Iyon ang reaksiyon niya pagkatapos kong magpakilala sa kaniya at sa ibang co-doctors ni Dax.

"I heard you're the princess of Cavite. No doubt. You're very pretty and I heard from Dax that you're also smart." She smiled at me and eyed Dax while smiling still.

She's nice, yep. And I know that she's just being friendly but I don't like the way she smiles at my boyfriend. And, again, I know I'm overreacting because I'm a jealous girlfriend.

Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Dax sa balikat ko nang akbayan niya ako habang nakikipag-usap siya sa lalaking nasa harap namin—which is five years older kaysa sa'ming dalawa. And the Marjen here in front of me, I just found out that she's two years younger than us. My imagination worsens when I thought that Dax would like someone who is younger than him.

Shit. What am I thinking, really?

Dax tried to not make me feel out of place throughout the whole lunch because he keeps touching and glancing at me, but I still feel out of place whenever I can't understand what they are talking about.

"Hey," he whispered to me when I just shut my mouth while listening to whatever they are talking about.

Our eyes locked and I saw him smiling at me. I glare at him but it was a joke. Hinalikan niya ako sa pisngi bago niya ibinalik ang atensiyon sa kanila nang tanungin siya ng isa sa dulo. Sa huli ay pinili kong kalmahin ang selosa kong isip at puso at nilaro ang daliri ni Dax na nasa hita ko.

He loves me, that's enough reason to not get jealous.

New year, new us. That's what I wrote to my journal when the new year came and I thought we were really going to make that real.

We were okay for months. No petty fights that I started. I'm still jealous whenever he's with Marjen— may iba naman silang kasama at hindi sila naiiwang mag-isa lang— but I kept it to myself. I'm learning to control my emotions and I almost thought I was making progress not until his birthday came and he can't be home.

"It's your birthday." I reasoned, almost frustrated that I can throw my phone on the wall right now.

"I'm really sorry, babe. I promise not to celebrate it without you—"

"That's not it, Dax. Today is your birthday. They should have given you a day off today!" Halos sumigaw na ako sa cellphone ko habang pabalik-balik ang lakad ko sa loob ng unit.

Today is his birthday and we can't celebrate it together because he has a duty. Ngayon pa lang nangyari ito dahil sa ilang taon naming relasyon, lagi kaming nagce-celebrate ng birthday namin together. It's a big deal to me. I didn't grow up celebrating my birthday with my parents because they aren't always home. And now that I have Dax, I want our every birthday to be celebrated together. Kahit kaming dalawa lang at hindi na kasama ang pamilya namin.

"You know that is not possible. Puno ang ospital ngayon. I can't just have my day off whenever I want."

Umupo ako sa sofa at kinagat ang aking kuko sa kamay. I know that. He's a doctor and there are a lot of people who needs him. But I hate it! I hate how he only have a very few hours to spend with me every day. Minsan pa nga ay hindi kami nagkikita ng isang buong linggo.

Sinapo ko ang aking noo at pilit na kinalma ang sarili.

"Tri," he called my name worriedly.

"I'm fine." I only said and ended the call.

'Tsaka ko lang naalala na hindi ko siya nabati kaya naman nagtipa na lang ako ng message para sa kaniya. Naiinis ako at kailangan ko ng panahon para kalmahin ang aking sarili. I changed clothes and decided to just do my job today.

Dax called me twice in the morning, one in the afternoon, and three in the evening, but I missed all those. Tinawagan ko siya ng dalawang beses pagkauwi ko pero voicemail lang lagi ang sumasagot. We were only able to talk again the next morning and it wasn't his birthday anymore. Ilang araw akong nawala sa mood dahil sa bagay na iyon at bumalik lang ako sa kalmado kong sarili noong mag-dinner date kami. We finally celebrated after four days of his actual birthday.

"Working with these professional and one of the smartest in the field still overwhelms me. Ang dami kong natututunan sa kanila." Kwento niya sa'kin habang kumakain kami dahil sa ganitong pagkakataon na lang kami minsan nakakapag-usap ng maayos at mahaba.

I don't think he's longer updated with my life. Ganoon din ako sa kaniya. We used to know each other's plans. Pero ngayon, ni hindi niya alam na may plano akong movie date with Allison. At wala akong kaalam-alam na may dinner din siya with his colleagues this coming weekend.

At pagkatapos ng isang beses na dinner na iyon, busy na ulit siya.

Nothing new for this new year, I guess.

"Are we really going to do this?" Bulong ni Allison sa tabi ko pero hindi ko siya pinansin.

Sinabi sa'kin ni Dax na may dinner siya ngayong Sabado kasama ang mga co-doctors niya. And those doctors are also the ones he's working with in a research. At ang isa doon ay si Marjen.

Ilang beses niya nang pinatunayan sa'kin na wala dapat akong ikaselos kay Marjen dahil wala siyang gusto dito at parehas silang professional. Hindi man niya direktang sinabi, alam kong gusto niyang iparating na ako lang naman talaga ang nag-iisip ng kung ano-ano. He wanted me to trust him and I hate how I make him feel like he's not trustworthy when the truth is, he is. I'm just really the one who has a problem here that I can't control.

Dahil ngayon, sa halip na tumuloy kami ni Allison sa theatres upang manood ng movie ay hinigit ko siya sa restaurant na binanggit ni Dax noong huli kaming nag-date. I know I have to be realistic here and not expect Dax to turn down that research just for my sake. He has to live his dreams and a jealous girlfriend like me shouldn't interfere. I'm logical but my emotions won tonight the reason why we end up here, stalking my boyfriend with his colleagues.

"Tri," she called me again but I didn't mind her.

Natanaw ko si Dax na umuupo sa tabi ng isang lalaki na ilang taon ang tanda sa kaniya. It was a six seater table. Apat na lalaki kasama si Dax, isang ginang na nasa kaniyang mid 30s siguro, at si Marjen. They are not sitting next to each other, pero magkaharap naman sila!

I studied Dax clothes even though I already know what he wears. Umuwi siya kanina sa condo upang magpalit at nandoon ako. Nauna lang akong umalis sa kaniya kanina dahil may plano nga dapat akong movie date with Allison pero dahil nagwagi ang pagka-selosa ko, nandito kami ngayon.

"Tri,"

Parang bubuyog ang boses ni Allison sa tainga ko at naiinis ako. I'm trying to concentrate here.

May lumapit na waiter sa table nila at inabot ni Dax ang menu kay Marjen.

Bwisit. Kailangan pa ba niyang iabot? Hindi naman siya ang waiter, ah?!

"Tri—"

"What!" I hissed to her.

Nagulat siya sa biglaan kong pagharap sa kaniya at iritado pa ang boses ko. Bumuntong hininga ako at inayos ang aking sarili.

"Are we really going to do this?" Maingat niyang tanong sa'kin.

"Aren't we already doing it?" I retorted.

Gusto kong kalmahin ang sarili at huwag pagbuntungan ng inis ang sarili kong kaibigan pero hindi ko mapigilan. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa lamesa nila Dax at naabutang nagtatawanan ang mga ito. Marjen is holding her wine glass on her lips and I saw her repeating glances to my boyfriend.

"Why, I didn't know you're a jealous girlfriend." Sarkastikong untag ng katabi ko pero hindi ko siya pinansin.

"Kung nakakamatay ang tingin, siguro sinugod na sa Ospital si Marjen."

"Don't speak her name." Banta ko sa kaniya.

I told her about Marjen, actually, she knows everything. For the past seven years, we became best friends. She became my human diary.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang maabutan kong naglalahad si Marjen ng tissue kay Dax pero hindi niya iyon tinanggap. Naningkit ang mga mata ko nang makitang naglabas ng handkerchief si Dax at narecognize ko iyon.

"You bought that." Sinambit ni Allison ang nasa isip ko.

Lagi kong binibilhan ng panyo si Dax sa tuwing nakakakita ako ng nagtitinda, kahit sa palengke lang o sa mga naglalako sa kalsada dahil gusto ko lang.

Of course, that was a lie. I have reasons why I buy him handkerchiefs.

Alam niyang ayaw kong mayroong nagbibigay sa kaniya ng tissue—katulad ng ginagawa ngayon ng babae sa harap niya. I thought he will find it funny and absurd but he accepted my handkerchiefs with no questions. Walang araw na hindi niya dinadala ang mga panyo at iyon lagi ang ginagamit niya.

"See? You have nothing to be jealous of. I can see from here that Dax is ignoring her. He looks one hundred percent uninterested to her."

"We can't be sure until later." Mabilis kong sagot na hindi ako sigurado kung napag-isipan ko ba.

"Are you serious?"

Sinulyapan ko si Allison at naabutan kong nakatitig siya sa'kin. There's disbelief in her eyes for me.

"What?" I blurted out, kind of offended by how she looked at me.

"You know what? We should just go home—"

"No!"

Napatingin sa'min ang dumaan na waiter dahil sa malakas kong pagsigaw. Hinila ko si Allison upang makapagtago at sinilip kung narinig ba iyon ni Dax. And when I looked at their table, I saw his eyes wandering around as though he knows the voice he just heard.

Yumuko siya at nakita kong naglabas siya ng cellphone. Kumunot ang aking noo pero bago pa ako makapag-isip kung bakit siya nagce-cellphone ay tumunog na ang aking cellphone.

"And that's the sign that says we should leave now."

Tama si Allison. Hinila ko na siya palabas ng restaurant at nang makarating kami sa parking lot ay 'tsaka ko pa lang sinagot ang tawag ni Dax.

"Hey," bungad niya.

"Hey! Kumusta ang dinner?" Medyo kinakabahan kong tanong kahit gusto kong magtunog kaswal.

Binigay ko kay Allison ang susi ng aking sasakyan at sinenyasan na siya muna ang mag-drive.

"I just got here." Sagot niya.

Tumango ako kahit hindi naman niya nakikita.

"So, bakit ka napatawag?" Tanong ko.

"Akala ko kasi narinig ko ang boses mo dito."

Kinagat ko ang aking daliri na binaba agad ni Allison nang makita niya ang ginagawa ko.

"Boses ko? Paano? Nasa parking lot ako ngayon. Nagbago ang isip namin ni Allison na mag-movie. Mag-coffee na lang pala kami." Tuloy-tuloy kong sambit.

"Hmm," he muttered. "Maybe I just miss you."

Napangiti ako. "Will you be home later?" Malambing kong tanong.

Allison made a face and I rolled my eyes at her.

"I have shift after eight. But I will call you later. And don't forget to send me a message when you get home."

And just like that, my smile faded.

"Please drive safe." He added.

We talked a little more before I'm the first one to hang up. Pumasok ako sa loob ng aking sasakyan at hinayaan si Allison na mag-drive.

"So, coffee?" Basag niya sa katahimikan.

Tumango lang ako. Nabalot muli sa nakakabinging katahimikan ang loob ng sasakyan hanggang sa makarating kami sa coffee shop. Allison opened a new topic because we can't just stare blankly at our cups for the whole night.

"You want to be a teacher?" Tanong niya.

Nasabi ko sa kaniya noon na hilig kong magturo pero hindi ko direktang sinabi na gusto kong maging teacher. Ito rin ang unang pagkakataon na inopen niya ulit iyon. Usually kasi ang topic namin ay tungkol sa pagseselos ko sa mga babaeng katrabaho ni Dax.

"Wow." Tanging lumabas sa bibig niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa reaksiyon niya.

"Oh, don't get me wrong. Napaisip lang ako bigla." She smiled convincingly.

"Ng?"

"Nakakaloka ang mundo." She chuckled.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"Well, you are rich but you were never able to take the course you really want because your parents have other plans for you. And me," she motioned to herself. "I was born poor. As in parang buhay daga. 'Yung papa ko walang trabaho kasi inatake siya after I graduated high school, si mama lang bumubuhay sa'min at may bunso pa akong kapatid. But you already know that story." She shrugged.

"Pero hindi mo pa nasasabi sa'kin kung anong course ang gusto mo noon."

Humigop siya sa cup niya bago niya ako sinagot.

"Ang totoo kasi, gusto kong mag-take ng pre-med course. Gusto kong maging doctor kahit hindi halata sa face ko at malinaw pa sa araw na bobo ako."

"Hindi ka bobo."

Malapad siyang ngumisi dahil sa sinabi ko. Totoo naman iyon.

"Ayun na nga. Gusto kong maging doctor pero hindi keri ng budget kaya," nagkibit balikat ulit siya.

"Kailangan maging praktical. Kailangan kong iahon sa kahirapan ang pamilya ko at matustusan ang pangangailangan nila Papa at ng kapatid ko. Hindi ako nagrereklamo, ah? Mahal ko sila at willing akong gawin lahat para lang sa ikagagaan ng buhay nila, namin. Pero alam mo 'yun? Minsan mapapaisip ka na lang kung ano kayang feeling ipanganak na mayaman? 'Yung hindi ko kailangan piliin ang pagiging praktikal kasi may pera akong panggastos sa gusto ko talagang course."

"What I'm trying to say is that I think we're the same. Just in different contexts. Gets mo?" Nahihirapang paliwanag niya.

Tumango ako. I understand her. We both have no other choices.

I used to hate her, but all this time, the universe was planning for the both of us to know each other deeper. Bukod kay Dax, si Allison lang ang nakakaintindi sa'kin. She accepted me in her like how Dax accepted me in his.

"Our parents have plans for us we don't want. Ikaw, manahin ang business n'yo. Ako, iahon ang pamilya ko sa hirap. At minsan mapapaisip ka na lang kung ito ba talaga ang buhay na pinapangarap mo."

I hated and judged Allison for being too loud and confident because I was subconsciously jealous of how easy is it for her to make friends while I can't. When we became friends, I realized that people are diverse. Everyone has their own story to tell. We don't know what they are going through and the only thing we can do is to be always kind.

I learned that Allison is always like that toward me. She's always nice to me despite how many times I ignored her. She didn't judge me but I was too self-righteous to even discern that, instead I pictured her as a fake person. Someone who always likes the spotlight. A person who always wants to fit in a group. But the truth is, she's just like me. There's more to her than she appears to be. And I also learned from her that we all have embellishments that only a few people who truly love us will able to see. Dax and Allison gave me the answer to my question of what friendship really is. And they taught me that I can live this life with people who truly care for me like a family.

I was too quick to judge. I only used to see the bad sides of people without trying to look at their best sides. Like how I judged Allison for being a fake friend but she's just really picky in choosing people in her life. She wants to befriend people who will bring out the best in her. And Dax, I used to see him as a childish person—which is something I hated most in a person—but he's just naturally like that. He brings genuine joy to the people around him, and his existence is very necessary for people like me who detach themselves from the world.

So, what I was doing there and thinking that he might cheat on me?

"I hate myself. I always presume things that weren't even there at the first place." Lumabas sa bibig ko at hinilamos ko ang aking kamay sa'king mukha.

"Then stop presuming things."

That's easy. For other people. Not me. I don't know, but it's hard for me to just relax and not think about the worst scenarios in my head. I always imagine things I shouldn't. I'd like to think that I'm being creative, but my imaginative personality isn't helping me to keep this relationship healthy. I know I'm the problem. Dax never did wrong, he never done mistakes to me. I'm always the one who's at fault. I'm always the one to begin the fight and run away from it when I can't handle it.

"You love Dax. He's in love with you. Ano ba kasi talagang problema, Tri? Is this still about your relationship with him or iba na?"

Napaangat ako ng ulo dahil sa tanong niyang iyon.

"What do you mean?" Naguguluhan kong tanong.

She looks confused as me. "I don't know. Kasi mahal mo si Dax, sinasabi mo lagi na may tiwala ka sa kaniya, pero ganito ka." She point at me.

"Maybe this isn't the life you want?"

I was taken aback by that. For the past seven years,—almost eight— I always think that I'm finally living the life that was once deprived of me. And I always believe that this may not be what I dreamed of, but this is enough because I'm living it with Dax.

But...

What if she's right? What if this isn't the life I want?

"Hoy! Huwag ka ngang basta-bastang natutulala diyan! Tinatakot mo ako!" Allison snapped her fingers in front of my face.

"No." I said.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Anong no?"

I shook my head. "This is the life I want, Allison. I'm living it with Dax. I'm happy."

That's the truth.

Right?

Ngumisi siya nang nakakaloko. "That's my girl."

I rolled my eyes at her. She laughed at my reaction.

"Dax is my life."

Our relationship may seem a little at stake now but we both want to save this and we will. Mornings have daylight, nights are dark, and we have both of those. And that only means we're surviving by balancing those in our relationship.

"Tigilan mo 'yan. Hindi mo kailangang ipaglandakan sa mukha ko na single ako."

Halos matawa ako sa sinabi niyang iyon. Ilang taon na kasi siyang single dahil priority niya ngayon ang kaniyang pamilya. Ang papa niya ay labas masok pa rin sa ospital at siya rin ang nagpapaaral pa sa mga kapatid niya. I was wrong when I thought before that she's exactly the person I don't want to be friends with, because she is. She's the strongest person I ever met and I never heard her complain about how she's tired of being always the one to provide for her family.

"Ikaw," I started to divert the topic from me.

"Ano ako? Tao, syempre."

Gusto kong umirap sa kaniyang biro pero hindi ko ginawa.

"You need to date."

Tumawa siya sa sinabi ko. "Alam ko. Duh! Naghahanap nga ako ng boylet, wala lang talagang-"

"You're busy working for your family, I know. But you deserve to be happy, too."

Allison looked at me with teary eyes. She can be loud and fun but she's also a sensitive one.

"You should date." Ulit ko.

"Lakad mo 'ko sa mga kaibigan na doctor ng boyfriend mo."

And just like that, we forgot about my jealous heart. Not until I went home and there was no Dax waiting for me.

Umupo sa sofa at nag-send ng message sa kaniya. I stare at our huge living room.

This is the life we dreamed and planned. But now, it's dark and lonely.

What if balancing the daylight and dark nights isn't enough? What if we have to only choose one? What are we gonna do?